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June 8, 2023

The Fingerprints of Parents in College Essays

One question we at Ivy Coach sometimes get from parents during free consultations goes like this: “Can’t college admissions officers tell you had a hand in your students’ essays?” Our answer? “If college admissions officers suspected we had a hand in brainstorming and revising our students’ essays, we wouldn’t be very good at what we do, and our students wouldn’t be earning admission to their dream schools year after year over the last 30 years.”

You see, when we revise our students’ essays, we leave not one fingerprint in any one of these essays. We don’t use words that businesspeople, doctors, and lawyers use. We teach our students not to use big words when small words will do just fine. Thinking of using the word “plethora” or “copious”? You’re not the only student who learned these words in preparation for the SAT. Write “a lot” instead so it doesn’t appear like you’re trying to impress.

We teach our students to dare to write fragments. We teach our students to dare to defy the rules so many high school English teachers hammer into their heads. 

In our experience, teenagers write a certain way, and even those students with perfect or near-perfect reading scores on the SAT or ACT, with perfect scores on AP English Language and Composition and AP English Literature and Composition, aren’t strong writers. Yes, most high school students can’t write very well . It’s a sad truth. It was the case in 1993. It’s the case in 2023.

At Ivy Coach, we help make their prose much more compelling so that they stand out and effectively dare admissions officers not to offer them admission.

Do Parents Write College Essays?

Some parents  think  they’re good writers. As such, they feel confident attempting to spruce up — or even outright write — their child’s college essays. But their confidence is  sorely misplaced . Admissions officers  weren’t  born yesterday. They can so often tell when a parent wrote a college essay or even fine-tuned a student’s story. It’s typically quite noticeable.

The Invisible Fingerprint of Parents in College Essays

And, no, not just anyone should be editing college essays — and especially not parents. A few years ago, we read a terrific editorial in  The New York Times  penned by JM Farkas. The piece, aptly titled “ How I Know You Wrote Your Kid’s College Essay ,” references one specific fingerprint parents so often leave behind in college essays. It’s an invisible fingerprint . It’s one we’ve written about many times over the years on the pages of our college admissions blog.

So what might this invisible fingerprint be? It’s two spaces after a period. You see, many parents grew up using typewriters or word processors. Their English teachers taught them to place two spaces after each period. But kids these days don’t put two spaces after a period. Have you ever seen two spaces after a period on any of our blogs? Nope. Scan the pages of our website — just one space after each period.

The two spaces fingerprint is but one such fingerprint of parents in college admissions essays. Fancy words. Business-y buzzwords, even simple expressions like “next steps.” These are significant red flags in college essays that point to the assistance of a parent.

What Happens If a Parent Is Caught Writing a College Essay?

So what happens if an admissions officer at an elite university raises a red flag after reading a college essay that hints at a parent’s participation in the writing process?  That’s easy . The admissions officer will recommend denying the student admission without further consideration. It will cost a student any chance of admission.

We Leave No Fingerprint in Our Students’ College Essays

A few years ago, we came across an essay that was even written in the third person . The parent must have forgotten to write in the student’s voice. Oy vey is right! It’s so very easy to tell when parents — who are often not particularly good writers themselves — have a hand in a student’s college admissions essays. It’s also very easy to tell when bad high school English teachers , school counselors, and private college counselors have a hand in a student’s college admissions essays.

One of the reasons we at Ivy Coach are able to help our students earn admission to their dream schools year after year is because an admissions officer would never know we helped revise their essays. After all, good writing is about brainstorming and revising. It’s true for novels. It’s true for television scribes. It’s true for journalists. Through the revision process, students even become more persuasive writers. It’s a big part of Ivy Coach’s secret sauce, a sauce which happens to be delicious. Notice we didn’t say toothsome .

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How I Know You Wrote Your Kid’s College Essay

The paradox of the overzealous editing of the college essay by many helicopter parents is that they don’t know what a college essay is really about.

By JM Farkas

Henceforth.

It was right there in the last sentence of the first paragraph of Mikey’s college essay. I was supposed to believe this typical high school senior, who had inhabited this planet for a slight 17 years, chose to use the word “henceforth.” Mikey was a good kid. He worked hard in school. He loved basketball and girls and math.

He had a certain way with words, but “henceforth” wasn’t one of his words.

When I circled it, Mikey met my raised eyebrows with his signature closed-mouth smile: “O.K., so maybe my mom wrote that part.”

No kidding, Mikey.

The paradox of the overzealous editing of the college essay by many helicopter parents is that they don’t know what a college essay is really about. Unlike the other parts of the application, where high grade point averages and SAT scores reign supreme, the essay is less about being impressive than it is about being authentic.

It can take some convincing for many kids and parents to believe that when it comes to writing the essays, in particular, college admissions officers care about who students are. The essays should reveal their personalities, passions, dreams, weird talents, favorite foods, sickest playlists, inexplicable loves and undeniable quirks.

Do you like to eat the marshmallows before the milk in your Lucky Charms? A tiny but specific detail like this will probably be more vivid than an entirely forced and forgettable essay on community service.

The college essay is about the true things students want the colleges to know about them that can’t be seen via grades and standardized tests. Are you kind? Resilient? Curious? Creative? Are you any fun? And contrary to popular belief, it’s not about unattainable standards or curing cancer. In fact, a good test of a college essay is: Can the writer convince the reader that she would make a great roommate?

So the good news is: The college essay is the purest part of the application.

The bad news: Parents, when you mess with your kids’ pure voices, you’re actually co-writing terrible college essays. And far more egregious and dangerous: You’re teaching your children that when the stakes are high enough, it’s O.K. to be unethical and possibly a plagiarist.

So aside from ridiculously lofty vocabulary or an overly mature perspective, how do I know when a parent or another adult is likely to have written a kid’s essay?

The secret is practically invisible.

When I learned how to type in high school, the definitive rule was to leave two spaces after a period.

Today, kids are taught to use one .

As a former high school teacher, I have worked with hundreds of students on their college essays. Later, as a private college essay consultant, I worked with students and parents at some top private schools before I became an admissions counselor for a small liberal arts college.

Over the years, I’ve noticed this pattern. Often the first draft of an essay has sentences with one space after the periods, but the next draft changes to two. Or, an essay might start off with single spaces after periods, but by the end, suddenly the sentences have two spaces after periods. Or, a final draft might include a wild mishmash of alternating spacing after periods: sometimes one, sometimes two.

So to well-intended adults: in those extra spaces, you are leaving incriminating fingerprints on your student’s show of authenticity. And in trying to make the essay polished enough to prove to an admissions officer that your student is ready for the responsibilities of college, you are showing that you are not so sure.

Henceforth, back off.

JM Farkas is a college essay consultant, teacher, poet and author of “ Be Brave: An Unlikely Manual for Erasing Heartbreak .”

clock This article was published more than  6 years ago

Parents, don’t write that college essay. (Here’s how to help instead.)

When Sue O’Connell’s daughter asked her to take a peek at the college admissions essay she’d written, the Chicago-area mom had no problem telling her to go back to the drawing board and start the whole process over. O’Connell wasn’t being cruel, nor was she the average mom biting her nails through the admissions process.

The former lawyer is a college admissions coach, someone other parents hire to walk their teens through the sometimes confounding process of getting into the school of their dreams.

What college admissions officers say they want in a candidate

Essay writing is just a part of that application puzzle, but it’s become an increasingly big one for college coaches such as O’Connell, a growing breed of professionals who get paid by parents to beseech their teenagers to dig just a little bit deeper to set themselves apart from their peers.

Just 500 to 700 words long, the admissions essay is make-it-or-break-it for your average high school senior. They have to be unique but poignant, smart but not smart-alecky. Kids have to sell themselves without sounding selfish or arrogant. Meanwhile hundreds of thousands of other kids are doing the same exact thing at the same exact time, all trying to stand out.

“Not every college or university has the chance to meet every applicant,” says Stephanie S. Espina, director of freshman admissions at Adelphi University in Garden City, N.Y. “The essay is an opportunity to get to know the student on a more personal level . . . a way for a student to convey their interests, passions, reflections or future goals.”

Want your child to get into college and have a good life? Here’s how.

But college isn’t just about kids’ goals anymore. Parents are involved, and in some ways that’s a good thing. A joint study by researchers from UCLA and the American Academy of Pediatrics that was published in the journal Pediatrics in 2015 shows a direct link between a parent’s expectation that a child will attend college and the child’s academic success in primary and secondary school.

But parental expectation is like the mythical hydra when it comes to college admissions. Where one head may be silenced with a glowing recommendation letter from a basketball coach or band director, another is already popping up to shout, “But what about that essay!?”

“Parents think there has to be a secret handshake to get into college,” says Jim Jump , academic dean and director of guidance at St. Christopher’s School in Richmond and a past president of the National Association for College Admission Counseling. He blames essay obsession on an obsession with prestige. Most kids may be able to get into their local community college, and if they have the grades and a decent set of extracurriculars, they’ll probably make the cut at a state school.

“Where the essay really counts is if you’re a bubble candidate, where your grades are just so-so, and at very highly selective schools,” Jump says.

Like counselors at other high schools throughout the country, Jump has seen a spike in the number of parents turning to paid coaches for that little extra help.

For parents who want to go even further, type “college essay” into Fiverr — an online marketplace to find freelancers to do just about anything for you — and dozens of responses pop up, offers ranging from ‘I will edit your college essay” to the more carefully worded “I will perfectly handle your college essay.” Other sites are less cagey, blatantly offering to sell you an admissions essay for less than $30.

“I think that is a terrible trend and a risky trend,” O’Connell says of buying your kid an entire essay. This may seem obvious, but there is clearly a market for it. “They’re going to write something completely generic. They’re not going to write what’s really in your heart.”

Not to mention the ethical issues that come with an essay that’s purchased outright. Paying for something and representing it as your child’s subverts the admissions process as a whole, giving kids an unfair advantage, says Carrie James, an ethicist with t he Good Project  at Harvard University. And of course there’s the message it sends to your child — that you can buy their way into college (and who knows what after) and that Mom and Dad will take care of the tough stuff in life.

“The longer-term ethical implications are important to consider as well,” James says. “What kinds of future workers and citizens are we nurturing through such practices?”

Most college coaches draw a very strict line between advising and “doing it for them.” Their job is to get kids to write the essay themselves, just a better version than they might have drafted alone.

“My counseling training has taught me to ask lots of open-ended questions,” says Ethan Sawyer, who counsels students on essay writing and goes by “ the College Essay Guy ” online. Instead of asking, “Did your parents’ divorce make you sad?,” for example, he’ll ask, “What was that like?”

“I also teach students basic screenwriting structure, as it’s a pretty efficient way of not only showing them how stories work but also getting them to think visually,” Sawyer says. “Personal statements are short films.”

Sawyer has gotten requests to write the essay outright, but he’s turned them down. Mostly, he sees kids who just need a little help, some prompting to get started or proofreading on the back end. Often those kids are in public schools where the counselors on staff just can’t keep up — not surprising when you consider the average public high school guidance counselor manages a caseload of 476 kids.

The fact that those public school counselors exist at all should give some direction to parents who are unsure whether it’s okay to give — or pay for — essay help. Some 30 percent of public schools employ at least one counselor whose exclusive responsibility is to provide college counseling.

Adelphi’s Espina says admissions officers do expect kids to get some help with their essay, usually from a guidance counselor, an English teacher or a parent, or even from the college.

“Many students lack the access to resources to fully grasp the process itself, including the importance of the college essay,” she says. “It’s quite common for [admissions] counselors or directors to provide free lectures-presentations on the college essay at local high schools or on their own college campuses.”

And if kids just seems out of their depths, O’Connell has this advice: “I tell kids if you’re really, really struggling, you’re not telling the right story.”

Sometimes they just need to be sent back to the drawing board.

Jeanne Sager is a writer and editor based in Callicoon Center, N.Y. Find her on Twitter @JeanneSager .

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More reading:

Want your kids to be resilient? Here’s what NOT to do.

I learned my son is gay when I read his college essay

How helicopter parents are ruining college students

Kids heading to high school? Here’s when to let go and where to help.

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12 Strategies to Writing the Perfect College Essay

College admission committees sift through thousands of college essays each year. Here’s how to make yours stand out.

Pamela Reynolds

When it comes to deciding who they will admit into their programs, colleges consider many criteria, including high school grades, extracurricular activities, and ACT and SAT scores. But in recent years, more colleges are no longer considering test scores.

Instead, many (including Harvard through 2026) are opting for “test-blind” admission policies that give more weight to other elements in a college application. This policy change is seen as fairer to students who don’t have the means or access to testing, or who suffer from test anxiety.

So, what does this mean for you?

Simply that your college essay, traditionally a requirement of any college application, is more important than ever.

A college essay is your unique opportunity to introduce yourself to admissions committees who must comb through thousands of applications each year. It is your chance to stand out as someone worthy of a seat in that classroom.

A well-written and thoughtful essay—reflecting who you are and what you believe—can go a long way to separating your application from the slew of forgettable ones that admissions officers read. Indeed, officers may rely on them even more now that many colleges are not considering test scores.

Below we’ll discuss a few strategies you can use to help your essay stand out from the pack. We’ll touch on how to start your essay, what you should write for your college essay, and elements that make for a great college essay.

Be Authentic

More than any other consideration, you should choose a topic or point of view that is consistent with who you truly are.

Readers can sense when writers are inauthentic.

Inauthenticity could mean the use of overly flowery language that no one would ever use in conversation, or it could mean choosing an inconsequential topic that reveals very little about who you are.

Use your own voice, sense of humor, and a natural way of speaking.

Whatever subject you choose, make sure it’s something that’s genuinely important to you and not a subject you’ve chosen just to impress. You can write about a specific experience, hobby, or personality quirk that illustrates your strengths, but also feel free to write about your weaknesses.

Honesty about traits, situations, or a childhood background that you are working to improve may resonate with the reader more strongly than a glib victory speech.

Grab the Reader From the Start

You’ll be competing with so many other applicants for an admission officer’s attention.

Therefore, start your essay with an opening sentence or paragraph that immediately seizes the imagination. This might be a bold statement, a thoughtful quote, a question you pose, or a descriptive scene.

Starting your essay in a powerful way with a clear thesis statement can often help you along in the writing process. If your task is to tell a good story, a bold beginning can be a natural prelude to getting there, serving as a roadmap, engaging the reader from the start, and presenting the purpose of your writing.

Focus on Deeper Themes

Some essay writers think they will impress committees by loading an essay with facts, figures, and descriptions of activities, like wins in sports or descriptions of volunteer work. But that’s not the point.

College admissions officers are interested in learning more about who you are as a person and what makes you tick.

They want to know what has brought you to this stage in life. They want to read about realizations you may have come to through adversity as well as your successes, not just about how many games you won while on the soccer team or how many people you served at a soup kitchen.

Let the reader know how winning the soccer game helped you develop as a person, friend, family member, or leader. Make a connection with your soup kitchen volunteerism and how it may have inspired your educational journey and future aspirations. What did you discover about yourself?

Show Don’t Tell

As you expand on whatever theme you’ve decided to explore in your essay, remember to show, don’t tell.

The most engaging writing “shows” by setting scenes and providing anecdotes, rather than just providing a list of accomplishments and activities.

Reciting a list of activities is also boring. An admissions officer will want to know about the arc of your emotional journey too.

Try Doing Something Different

If you want your essay to stand out, think about approaching your subject from an entirely new perspective. While many students might choose to write about their wins, for instance, what if you wrote an essay about what you learned from all your losses?

If you are an especially talented writer, you might play with the element of surprise by crafting an essay that leaves the response to a question to the very last sentence.

You may want to stay away from well-worn themes entirely, like a sports-related obstacle or success, volunteer stories, immigration stories, moving, a summary of personal achievements or overcoming obstacles.

However, such themes are popular for a reason. They represent the totality of most people’s lives coming out of high school. Therefore, it may be less important to stay away from these topics than to take a fresh approach.

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Write With the Reader in Mind

Writing for the reader means building a clear and logical argument in which one thought flows naturally from another.

Use transitions between paragraphs.

Think about any information you may have left out that the reader may need to know. Are there ideas you have included that do not help illustrate your theme?

Be sure you can answer questions such as: Does what you have written make sense? Is the essay organized? Does the opening grab the reader? Is there a strong ending? Have you given enough background information? Is it wordy?

Write Several Drafts

Set your essay aside for a few days and come back to it after you’ve had some time to forget what you’ve written. Often, you’ll discover you have a whole new perspective that enhances your ability to make revisions.

Start writing months before your essay is due to give yourself enough time to write multiple drafts. A good time to start could be as early as the summer before your senior year when homework and extracurricular activities take up less time.

Read It Aloud

Writer’s tip : Reading your essay aloud can instantly uncover passages that sound clumsy, long-winded, or false.

Don’t Repeat

If you’ve mentioned an activity, story, or anecdote in some other part of your application, don’t repeat it again in your essay.

Your essay should tell college admissions officers something new. Whatever you write in your essay should be in philosophical alignment with the rest of your application.

Also, be sure you’ve answered whatever question or prompt may have been posed to you at the outset.

Ask Others to Read Your Essay

Be sure the people you ask to read your essay represent different demographic groups—a teacher, a parent, even a younger sister or brother.

Ask each reader what they took from the essay and listen closely to what they have to say. If anyone expresses confusion, revise until the confusion is cleared up.

Pay Attention to Form

Although there are often no strict word limits for college essays, most essays are shorter rather than longer. Common App, which students can use to submit to multiple colleges, suggests that essays stay at about 650 words.

“While we won’t as a rule stop reading after 650 words, we cannot promise that an overly wordy essay will hold our attention for as long as you’d hoped it would,” the Common App website states.

In reviewing other technical aspects of your essay, be sure that the font is readable, that the margins are properly spaced, that any dialogue is set off properly, and that there is enough spacing at the top. Your essay should look clean and inviting to readers.

End Your Essay With a “Kicker”

In journalism, a kicker is the last punchy line, paragraph, or section that brings everything together.

It provides a lasting impression that leaves the reader satisfied and impressed by the points you have artfully woven throughout your piece.

So, here’s our kicker: Be concise and coherent, engage in honest self-reflection, and include vivid details and anecdotes that deftly illustrate your point.

While writing a fantastic essay may not guarantee you get selected, it can tip the balance in your favor if admissions officers are considering a candidate with a similar GPA and background.

Write, revise, revise again, and good luck!

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About the Author

Pamela Reynolds is a Boston-area feature writer and editor whose work appears in numerous publications. She is the author of “Revamp: A Memoir of Travel and Obsessive Renovation.”

How Involved Should Parents and Guardians Be in High School Student College Applications and Admissions?

There are several ways parents can lend support to their children during the college application process. Here's how to get the ball rolling.

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The Parents’ Role in the College Essay

To the ever-under-appreciated parents of teenagers,

We know how hard it is to be parents. You’re walking a fine line between wanting what is best for your children and trying to let them make their own decisions (and, let’s be honest, their own mistakes). Your child will only apply to college once, and it can be difficult to know how to balance your parental instincts with letting your student take ownership of the process. The good news is that we are here to make your life a little easier by allowing you to take a step back while we harangue your child to help get him where he needs to be in the admissions process.

Let’s address what’s probably the most stressful part of our journey together: the college essays. We will tackle this in three parts: first, we will discuss how most kids approach their essays, how Passport Admissions works with your child on their essays, and the best role of parents in this process.

How Most Kids Approach the College Essay

Most seventeen-year-olds think, “What can I say that will make colleges accept me?” They write essays based on what they believe colleges want to hear. And as a result, most kids make crucial mistakes in their college essays.

Mistake #1 - Most kids brag too much in their college essays.

How many valedictorians apply to college? All of them. How many class presidents? All of them. How many team captains? You get the idea.

There is virtually nothing that kids can brag about that will sell themselves to an admissions office. When a student tries to brag about himself in his essay: a) it doesn't work, and b) the essay blends into the pile of all the other applicants who are trying to do the same thing.

Mistake #2 - Most kids write essays that look and sound the same.

A former admissions officer for UVA, Parke Muth, once compared the college essay to a Big Mac.  Not because the essays are tasty and not because they have layers (though it can be argued that the college essay, like the Big Mac, is hazardous to your health). No, the college essay is like a Big Mac, because no matter where you go, the essays look and taste the same. Thus, Muth coined the term McEssay to refer to the generic college essay.

McEssays typically fall into one of the following five flavors. You will want to avoid these topics at all costs.

• The hard work essay - "Being captain of the soccer team involved a lot of hard work, but I learned important lessons in leadership and perseverance."
• The family trip to Europe essay - "Going to France showed me just how different other cultures are."
• The summer program for gifted youth essay - "I am so fortunate to have been able to attend the National Youth Leadership Conference."
• The athletics essay - "We lost the championship, but we came together as a team."
• The saving the world through community service essay - "Building houses in Mexico was so rewarding."

We know these experiences have been meaningful to many of our students. But writing a McEssay makes a student blend in with every other applicant, so we have to find a unique topic.

Mistake #3 - Most kids polish all of the personality out of their essays.

Most students write their college essays by committee, seeking input and feedback from multiple teachers and parents, who - despite good intentions - will polish all of the life and personality out of the essay. Your teenager should sound like a teenager in his college essay. Consider the following excerpts:

"My nascent drum career began when I was twelve. Learning to play the drums was quite challenging at first, because I had little formal training and needed to learn more about rhythm and chord structure in order to contribute to my band. After rehearsing for innumerable hours, I eventually was able to keep up, but I still needed more help. I decided to get lessons to help improve my overall musical knowledge and particularly improve my music theory. In the end, the lessons paid off, and our band was better than ever."

"A band's drummer is the stupid one. He is the one paid not to write songs or to think, but to sit in the back and hit his instrument, as he is clearly far too idiotic to do anything more. I am a drummer, and while I like to think I am above this stereotype, I do sit in the back, behind all the “real musicians,” blissfully ignorant of ongoing deliberation over “What capo he needs to be in to be in the key of G”, perfectly happy that I understand none of it and absolutely satisfied with my lack of involvement, or responsibility to the band’s success. This being said, I am a good drummer, and when a musician needed a moron - I was a solid choice."

Which sounds like a high school student, and which like a parent? In revising an essay, it is crucial to keep the voice of the student and not to make it sound like it was written by a 40-year-old.

The Primary Purpose of the College Essay

The primary purpose of the college essay is to let the college get to know you and like you. That's it. When evaluating a college essay, we ask:

• What do we learn about you?
• Do we like you?
• Is it interesting?
• Is it generally free from grammatical and stylistic errors?

What role should parents play?

You know your kid a lot better than we do. We can't tell you exactly how much parental involvement will be the right amount for your student.

But we can at least share this insight about the college essays: the students who have had the most success have been the ones whose parents have been involved the least. Almost without fail, the students who have been accepted into their top choice colleges have been the ones whose parents have trusted their student to write great essays, helped their student only when asked, and otherwise stayed out of the process entirely.  And of course, these are the same families that seem to most enjoy the last year of their child living at home.

So there you have it. We hope that you are as excited as we are to help your student write the best essays she can write. Remember that we are not only experts on this stuff, but we really, really enjoy doing it. For us, editing is fun, and getting to know your student and his passions is what makes our jobs interesting and worthwhile.

If you have questions or want help with your college essay, schedule a free introductory meeting with one of our college advisors.

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4 Ways Parents Can Help With College Essays

How to support your teen without cramping their style.

Everyone is stressed about college essays: parents and teenagers alike. It can seem like an impossible task — high schoolers have to be poignant but not saccharine, clever but not flippant, polished but not too tidy. And they have to try to stand out from thousands of other high schoolers all trying to do the same thing.

Add to that the fact that college essays require a different form of writing than what’s commonly covered in high school, and it becomes an understandably daunting feat for any teenager. But how can you offer support without crossing an ethical boundary, hampering your child’s authentic voice, or intruding on your child’s space?

It’s a fine line to walk, but there are ways that you can assist your teenager through this thorny writing process while also honoring personal and ethical boundaries. Keep reading for tips!

1. Offer structure with regard to time management and planning

When it comes to writing expressively about their core qualities, high schoolers need lots of time (often weeks, not days) to brainstorm and reflect on who they are and what they value. Then, they need lots more time after that to word-vomit, clarify, revise, re-structure, and polish. Most students take at least a couple of months to produce a clean and finalized version of a personal statement, and that isn’t even counting the time they’ll need to write supplemental essays.

Without pushing too hard or cranking up your child’s stress level, you can take this as an opportunity to help your child define a reasonable timeline and set some incremental deadlines for their essay work. Here are a few questions you might discuss with your teenager, to help them cultivate an awareness of time:

• How long does it typically take you to write essays for school?
• When would you ideally love to have a final draft of your personal statement? (Hint: supplemental essay prompts get rolled out in August, so your teenager should ideally be switching their focus to supplemental essays by then)
• What are your weekly and monthly goals ?
• Do you have a special time and place set aside to work on your personal statement each week?

2. Chat with your teenager about their most vivid memories from childhood and adolescence

This one is more delicate. We don’t recommend that you pitch your teenager specific stories that you think would be most impressive in a college essay: it’s critically important that the storytelling impulse come from them organically. That being said, you can help your teenager get in touch with moments and memories that were meaningful to them by reminiscing together – take a walk by the old house you used to live in, ask for their help making the meal they loved as a toddler, show them pictures from family trips. If they seem excited about any particular memory, you can encourage them to reflect on how those moments might have shaped their personality or values by asking a few open-ended questions:

• What do you remember most about that time/place?
• Do you feel like you’re the same person you were then?
• What did you love about that time/place?

PS. To help your child feel less “interrogated,” let them ask you questions about your memories, too!

3. Take their temperature before offering feedback

Before you dive directly into giving your teenager feedback on their essay, take a beat to check in with them: how are they feeling about their essay? How are they feeling about their progress?

First of all, asking questions like this invites your child to reflect on the choices they’ve made and why they have made them; it encourages them to understand that they are a critical part of the assessment process.

Second of all, no matter your particular family dynamic, you’re the parent and your opinion matters deeply to your child. If a student feels profoundly proud of their essay, an unwitting negative opinion from a parent can be derailing and destabilizing. So make sure to understand where your teen is in their writing journey before bringing down the hammer.

4. Let grammar slide

It may seem counterintuitive, but if your teenager gives you a draft of their essay to look at, try to steer clear of granular, nitty-gritty critiques. To write well, your child needs to maintain a buoyant spirit of exploration and discovery – so your job is to help them strengthen what they’re doing well, focus on the big picture, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Wait to offer feedback on grammar, punctuation, or word count until the very end of the process, once their ideas are in place. Until then, help them deepen their insights and specify their vision, and make it clear that you’re their cheerleader through this whole process.

Under the right circumstances, helping your high schooler with their college essays can be a lovely bonding experience. But as we all know, sometimes teens keep their parents at arm’s length while they’re establishing their independence. In that case, know that you can always call in an outside voice to guide your child, leaving you free to focus on being their parent instead of their editor. Our college admissions experts are available to partner with you at any stage of the process.

Caroline Hertz

• How to Write a College Essay

College admissions experts offer tips on selecting a topic as well as writing and editing the essay.

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Students can go online to review essay requirements for the colleges they want to apply to, such as word limits and essay topics. Many students may start with the Common App, an application platform accepted by more than 1,000 schools.

For college applicants, the essay is the place to showcase their writing skills and let their unique voice shine through.

"The essays are important in part because this is a student's chance to really speak directly to the admissions office," says Adam Sapp, assistant vice president and director of admissions at Pomona College in California.

Prospective college students want their essay, sometimes called a personal statement, to make a good impression and boost their chances of being accepted, but they have only several hundred words to make that happen.

This can feel like a lot of pressure.

"I think this is the part of the application process that students are sometimes most challenged by," says Niki Barron, associate dean of admission at Hamilton College in New York, "because they're looking at a blank piece of paper and they don't know where to get started."

That pressure may be amplified as many colleges have gone test optional in recent years, meaning that ACT and SAT scores will be considered if submitted but are not required. Other schools have gone test-blind and don't consider such scores at all. In the absence of test scores, some admissions experts have suggested that more attention will be paid to other parts of an application, such as the essay.

But just as each applicant is unique, so are college admissions policies and priorities.

"Being test optional hasn't changed how we use essays in our selection process, and I wouldn't say that the essay serves as a substitute for standardized test scores," Barron wrote in an email. "A student's academic preparation for our classroom experience is always front and center in our application review process."

On June 29, 2023, the Supreme Court ruled against college admissions policies that consider an applicant's race. The ruling, though, does not prohibit students from writing essays on how their race has affected them, which experts say could significantly affect how students approach this portion of their applications.

Essay-writing tips offered by experts emphasize the importance of being concise, coherent, congenial, unique, honest and accurate. An applicant should also flex some intellectual muscle and include vivid details or anecdotes.

From brainstorming essay topics to editing the final draft, here's what students need to know about crafting a strong college application essay.

Getting Started on the College Essay

How long should a college essay be, how to pick a college essay topic, writing the college essay, how the affirmative action ruling could change college essays, editing and submitting the college essay.

A good time for students to begin working on their essays is the summer before senior year, experts say, when homework and extracurricular activities aren't taking up time and mental energy.

Starting early will also give students plenty of time to work through multiple drafts of an essay before college application deadlines, which can be as early as November for students applying for early decision or early action .

Students can go online to review essay requirements for the colleges they want to apply to, such as word limits and essay topics. Many students may start with the Common App , an application platform accepted by more than 1,000 schools. Students can submit that application to multiple schools.

Another option is the Coalition Application, an application platform accepted by more than 130 schools. Students applying through this application choose from one of six essay prompts to complete and include with their application.

In addition to the main essay, some colleges ask applicants to submit one or more additional writing samples. Students are often asked to explain why they are interested in a particular school or academic field in these supplemental essays , which tend to be shorter than the main essay.

Students should budget more time for the writing process if the schools they're applying to ask for supplemental essays.

"Most selective colleges will ask for more than one piece of writing. Don't spend all your time working on one long essay and then forget to devote energy to other parts of the application," Sapp says.

Though the Common App notes that "there are no strict word limits" for its main essay, it suggests a cap of about 650 words. The Coalition Application website says its essays should be between 500 and 650 words.

"While we won't, as a rule, stop reading after 650 words, we cannot promise that an overly wordy essay will hold our attention for as long as you'd hoped it would," the Common App website states.

The word count is much shorter for institution-specific supplemental essays, which are typically around 250 words.

The first and sometimes most daunting step in the essay writing process is figuring out what to write about.

There are usually several essay prompts to choose from on a college application. They tend to be broad, open-ended questions, giving students the freedom to write about a wide array of topics, Barron says.

The essay isn't a complete autobiography, notes Mimi Doe, co-founder of Top Tier Admissions, a Massachusetts-based advising company. "It's overwhelming to think of putting your whole life in one essay," she says.

Rather, experts say students should narrow their focus and write about a specific experience, hobby or quirk that reveals something personal, like how they think, what they value or what their strengths are. Students can also write about something that illustrates an aspect of their background. These are the types of essays that typically stand out to admissions officers, experts say. Even an essay on a common topic can be compelling if done right.

Students don't have to discuss a major achievement in their essay – a common misconception. Admissions officers who spoke with U.S. News cited memorable essays that focused on more ordinary topics, including fly-fishing, a student's commute to and from school and a family's dining room table.

What's most important, experts say, is that a college essay is thoughtful and tells a story that offers insight into who a student is as a person.

"Think of the college essay as a meaningful glimpse of who you are beyond your other application materials," Pierre Huguet, CEO and founder of admissions consulting firm H&C Education, wrote in an email. "After reading your essay, the reader won't fully know you – at least not entirely. Your objective is to evoke the reader's curiosity and make them eager to get to know you."

If students are having trouble brainstorming potential topics, they can ask friends or family members for help, says Stephanie Klein Wassink, founder of Winning Applications and AdmissionsCheckup, Connecticut-based college admissions advising companies. Klein Wassink says students can ask peers or family members questions such as, "What are the things you think I do well?" Or, "What are my quirks?"

The essay should tell college admissions officers something they don't already know, experts say.

Some experts encourage students to outline their essay before jumping into the actual writing, though of course everyone's writing process differs.

The first draft of an essay doesn't need to be perfect. "Just do a brain dump," Doe says. "Don't edit yourself, just lay it all out on the page."

If students are having a hard time getting started, they should focus on their opening sentence, Doe suggests. She says an essay's opening sentence, or hook, should grab the reader's attention.

Doe offered an example of a strong hook from the essay of a student she worked with:

"I first got into politics the day the cafeteria outlawed creamed corn."

"I want to know about this kid," she says. "I’m interested."

The key to a good college essay is striking a balance between being creative and not overdoing it, Huguet says. He advises students to keep it simple.

"The college essay is not a fiction writing contest," Huguet says. "Admissions committees are not evaluating you on your potential as the next writer of the Great American Novel."

He adds that students should write in the voice they use to discuss meaningful topics with someone they trust. It's also wise to avoid hyperbole, as that can lose the readers' trust, as well as extraneous adverbs and adjectives, Huguet says.

"Thinking small, when done right, means paying close attention to the little things in your life that give it meaning in unique ways," he says. "It means, on the one hand, that you don’t have to come up with a plan for world peace, but it also means thinking small enough to identify details in your life that belong only to you."

The Supreme Court's ruling on affirmative action has left some students feeling in limbo with how to approach their essays. Some are unsure whether to include racial identifiers while others feel pressure to exclude it, says Christopher Rim, CEO and founder of Command Education, an admissions consulting company.

"For instance, some of our Asian students have been concerned that referencing their culture or race in their essay could negatively impact them (even moreso than before)," Rim wrote in an email. He noted that many students he works with had already begun crafting their essays before the ruling came. "Some of our other students have felt pressure to disclose their race or share a story of discrimination or struggle because they expect those stories to be received better by admissions officers."

Some of the uneasiness stems from what feels like a contradictory message from the court, Rim says. In his majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts Jr., said the ruling shouldn't be construed "as prohibiting universities from considering an applicant’s discussion of how race affected his or her life, be it through discrimination, inspiration, or otherwise." But he added that colleges may consider race only if it's tied to an applicant’s individual experiences or qualities, such as demonstrating courage against discrimination.

Personal essays shouldn't serve as a way for universities to ask students about their race as a means to admit them on such basis, Roberts added.

Rim says he expects there to be a lot of confusion from parents and students as they navigate that line when writing their essay. He says his guidance will vary with each student depending on their specific situation.

"For a student from an immigrant family, sharing their racial and cultural background may be integral to understanding their identity and values and therefore should be included in the essay," he says. "On the other hand, a student who has never meaningfully considered ways in which their race has shaped their life experience and worldview should not push themselves to do so in their essay simply because they believe it will better their chances."

While admissions officers try to learn about students via the essay, they are also gauging writing skills, so students want to make sure they submit top-notch work.

"The best writing is rewriting," Sapp says. "You should never be giving me your first draft."

When reviewing a first essay draft, students should make sure their writing is showing, not telling, Huguet says. This means students should show their readers examples that prove they embody certain traits or beliefs, as opposed to just stating that they do. Doing so is like explaining a joke to someone who's already laughed at it, he says.

"Let’s say, for example, that the whole point of a certain applicant’s essay is to let admissions officers know that she thinks outside the box. If she feels the need to end her essay with a sentence like, 'And so, this anecdote shows that I think outside the box,' she’s either underestimating the power of her story (or the ability of her reader to understand it), or she hasn’t done a good enough job in telling it yet," Huguet says. "Let your readers come to their own conclusions. If your story is effective, they’ll come to the conclusions you want them to."

After editing their essay, students should seek outside editing help, experts recommend. While there are individuals and companies that offer paid essay help – from editing services to essay-writing boot camps – students and families may not be able to afford the associated fees. Some providers may offer scholarships or other financial aid for their services.

The availability and level of feedback from free essay advising services vary. Some college prep companies offer brief consultations at no charge. Free essay workshops may also be available through local high schools, public libraries or community organizations. Khan Academy, a free online education platform, also offers a series of videos and other content to guide students through the essay writing process.

Colleges themselves may also have resources, Barron notes, pointing to pages on Hamilton's website that offer writing tips as well as examples of successful admissions essays. Likewise, Hamilton also holds virtual panel discussions on writing admissions essays.

Students have other options when it comes to essay help. They can ask peers, teachers, school counselors and family members for help polishing an essay. Huguet says it's typically wise to prioritize quality over quantity when it comes to seeking feedback on essays. Too many perspectives can become counterproductive, he says.

"While it can be valuable to have different perspectives, it's best to seek out individuals who are experts in the writing process," he says. "Instructors or professors can be helpful, particularly if they possess subject expertise and can provide guidance on refining arguments, structure and overall coherence."

Proofreaders should not change the tone of the essay. "Don't let anyone edit out your voice," Doe cautions.

And while proofreading is fair game, having someone else write your essay is not.

When an essay is ready to go, students will generally submit it online along with the rest of their application. On the Common App, for example, students copy and paste their essay into a text box.

Sapp says even though students often stress about the essay in particular, it's not the only thing college admissions officers look at. "The essay is the window, but the application is the house," he says. "So let's not forget that an application is built of many pieces."

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How to Write Your College Essay: The Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide

Getting ready to start your college essay? Your essay is very important to your application — especially if you’re applying to selective colleges.

Become a stronger writer by reviewing your peers’ essays and get your essay reviewed as well for free.

We have regular livestreams during which we walk you through how to write your college essay and review essays live.

College Essay Basics

Just getting started on college essays? This section will guide you through how you should think about your college essays before you start.

• Why do essays matter in the college application process?
• What is a college application theme and how do you come up with one?
• How to format and structure your college essay

Before you move to the next section, make sure you understand:

How a college essay fits into your application

What a strong essay does for your chances

How to create an application theme

Learn the Types of College Essays

Next, let’s make sure you understand the different types of college essays. You’ll most likely be writing a Common App or Coalition App essay, and you can also be asked to write supplemental essays for each school. Each essay has a prompt asking a specific question. Each of these prompts falls into one of a few different types. Understanding the types will help you better answer the prompt and structure your essay.

• How to Write a Personal Statement That Wows Colleges
• Personal Statement Essay Examples
• How to Write a Stellar Extracurricular Activity Essay
• Extracurricular Essay Examples
• Tips for Writing a Diversity College Essay
• Diversity Essay Examples
• Tips for Writing a Standout Community Service Essay
• How to Write the “Why This Major” Essay
• How to Write a “Why This Major” Essay if You’re Undecided
• How to write the “Why This College” Essay
• How to Research a College to Write the “Why This College” Essay
• Why This College Essay Examples
• How to Write The Overcoming Challenges Essay
• Overcoming Challenges Essay Examples

Identify how each prompt fits into an essay type

What each type of essay is really asking of you

How to write each essay effectively

The Common App essay

Almost every student will write a Common App essay, which is why it’s important you get this right.

• How to Write the Common App Essay
• Successful Common App Essay Examples
• 5 Awesome College Essay Topics + Sample Essays
• 11 Cliché College Essay Topics + How to Fix Them

How to choose which Common App prompts to answer

How to write a successful Common App essay

What to avoid to stand out to admissions officers

Supplemental Essay Guides

Many schools, especially competitive ones, will ask you to write one or more supplemental essays. This allows a school to learn more about you and how you might fit into their culture.

These essays are extremely important in standing out. We’ve written guides for all the top schools. Follow the link below to find your school and read last year’s essay guides to give you a sense of the essay prompts. We’ll update these in August when schools release their prompts.

See last year’s supplemental essay guides to get a sense of the prompts for your schools.

Essay brainstorming and composition

Now that you’re starting to write your essay, let’s dive into the writing process. Below you’ll find our top articles on the craft of writing an amazing college essay.

• Where to Begin? 3 Personal Essay Brainstorming Exercises
• Creating the First Draft of Your College Application Essay
• How to Get the Perfect Hook for Your College Essay
• What If I Don’t Have Anything Interesting To Write About In My College Essay?
• 8 Do’s and Don’t for Crafting Your College Essay
• Stuck on Your College Essay? 8 Tips for Overcoming Writer’s Block

Understand how to write a great hook for your essay

Complete the first drafts of your essay

Editing and polishing your essay

Have a first draft ready? See our top editing tips below. Also, you may want to submit your essay to our free Essay Peer Review to get quick feedback and join a community of other students working on their essays.

• 11 Tips for Proofreading and Editing Your College Essay
• Getting Help with Your College Essay
• 5 DIY Tips for Editing Your College Essay
• How Long Should Your College Essay Be?
• Essential Grammar Rules for Your College Apps
• College Essay Checklist: Are You Ready to Submit?

Proofread and edited your essay.

Had someone else look through your essay — we recommend submitting it for a peer review.

Make sure your essay meets all requirements — consider signing up for a free account to view our per-prompt checklists to help you understand when you’re really ready to submit.

Advanced College Essay Techniques

Let’s take it one step further and see how we can make your college essay really stand out! We recommend reading through these posts when you have a draft to work with.

• 10 Guidelines for Highly Readable College Essays
• How to Use Literary Devices to Enhance Your Essay
• How to Develop a Personalized Metaphor for Your College Applications

Tips for Writing an Effective Application Essay

How to Write an Effective Essay

Writing an essay for college admission gives you a chance to use your authentic voice and show your personality. It's an excellent opportunity to personalize your application beyond your academic credentials, and a well-written essay can have a positive influence come decision time.

Want to know how to draft an essay for your college application ? Here are some tips to keep in mind when writing.

Tips for Essay Writing

A typical college application essay, also known as a personal statement, is 400-600 words. Although that may seem short, writing about yourself can be challenging. It's not something you want to rush or put off at the last moment. Think of it as a critical piece of the application process. Follow these tips to write an impactful essay that can work in your favor.

1. Start Early.

Few people write well under pressure. Try to complete your first draft a few weeks before you have to turn it in. Many advisers recommend starting as early as the summer before your senior year in high school. That way, you have ample time to think about the prompt and craft the best personal statement possible.

You don't have to work on your essay every day, but you'll want to give yourself time to revise and edit. You may discover that you want to change your topic or think of a better way to frame it. Either way, the sooner you start, the better.

2. Understand the Prompt and Instructions.

Before you begin the writing process, take time to understand what the college wants from you. The worst thing you can do is skim through the instructions and submit a piece that doesn't even fit the bare minimum requirements or address the essay topic. Look at the prompt, consider the required word count, and note any unique details each school wants.

3. Create a Strong Opener.

Students seeking help for their application essays often have trouble getting things started. It's a challenging writing process. Finding the right words to start can be the hardest part.

Spending more time working on your opener is always a good idea. The opening sentence sets the stage for the rest of your piece. The introductory paragraph is what piques the interest of the reader, and it can immediately set your essay apart from the others.

4. Stay on Topic.

One of the most important things to remember is to keep to the essay topic. If you're applying to 10 or more colleges, it's easy to veer off course with so many application essays.

A common mistake many students make is trying to fit previously written essays into the mold of another college's requirements. This seems like a time-saving way to avoid writing new pieces entirely, but it often backfires. The result is usually a final piece that's generic, unfocused, or confusing. Always write a new essay for every application, no matter how long it takes.

5. Think About Your Response.

Don't try to guess what the admissions officials want to read. Your essay will be easier to write─and more exciting to read─if you’re genuinely enthusiastic about your subject. Here’s an example: If all your friends are writing application essays about covid-19, it may be a good idea to avoid that topic, unless during the pandemic you had a vivid, life-changing experience you're burning to share. Whatever topic you choose, avoid canned responses. Be creative.

6. Focus on You.

Essay prompts typically give you plenty of latitude, but panel members expect you to focus on a subject that is personal (although not overly intimate) and particular to you. Admissions counselors say the best essays help them learn something about the candidate that they would never know from reading the rest of the application.

7. Stay True to Your Voice.

Use your usual vocabulary. Avoid fancy language you wouldn't use in real life. Imagine yourself reading this essay aloud to a classroom full of people who have never met you. Keep a confident tone. Be wary of words and phrases that undercut that tone.

8. Be Specific and Factual.

Capitalize on real-life experiences. Your essay may give you the time and space to explain why a particular achievement meant so much to you. But resist the urge to exaggerate and embellish. Admissions counselors read thousands of essays each year. They can easily spot a fake.

9. Edit and Proofread.

When you finish the final draft, run it through the spell checker on your computer. Then don’t read your essay for a few days. You'll be more apt to spot typos and awkward grammar when you reread it. After that, ask a teacher, parent, or college student (preferably an English or communications major) to give it a quick read. While you're at it, double-check your word count.

Writing essays for college admission can be daunting, but it doesn't have to be. A well-crafted essay could be the deciding factor─in your favor. Keep these tips in mind, and you'll have no problem creating memorable pieces for every application.

What is the format of a college application essay?

Generally, essays for college admission follow a simple format that includes an opening paragraph, a lengthier body section, and a closing paragraph. You don't need to include a title, which will only take up extra space. Keep in mind that the exact format can vary from one college application to the next. Read the instructions and prompt for more guidance.

Most online applications will include a text box for your essay. If you're attaching it as a document, however, be sure to use a standard, 12-point font and use 1.5-spaced or double-spaced lines, unless the application specifies different font and spacing.

How do you start an essay?

The goal here is to use an attention grabber. Think of it as a way to reel the reader in and interest an admissions officer in what you have to say. There's no trick on how to start a college application essay. The best way you can approach this task is to flex your creative muscles and think outside the box.

You can start with openers such as relevant quotes, exciting anecdotes, or questions. Either way, the first sentence should be unique and intrigue the reader.

What should an essay include?

Every application essay you write should include details about yourself and past experiences. It's another opportunity to make yourself look like a fantastic applicant. Leverage your experiences. Tell a riveting story that fulfills the prompt.

What shouldn’t be included in an essay?

When writing a college application essay, it's usually best to avoid overly personal details and controversial topics. Although these topics might make for an intriguing essay, they can be tricky to express well. If you’re unsure if a topic is appropriate for your essay, check with your school counselor. An essay for college admission shouldn't include a list of achievements or academic accolades either. Your essay isn’t meant to be a rehashing of information the admissions panel can find elsewhere in your application.

How can you make your essay personal and interesting?

The best way to make your essay interesting is to write about something genuinely important to you. That could be an experience that changed your life or a valuable lesson that had an enormous impact on you. Whatever the case, speak from the heart, and be honest.

Is it OK to discuss mental health in an essay?

Mental health struggles can create challenges you must overcome during your education and could be an opportunity for you to show how you’ve handled challenges and overcome obstacles. If you’re considering writing your essay for college admission on this topic, consider talking to your school counselor or with an English teacher on how to frame the essay.

Related Articles

Should college essays touch on race? Some say affirmative action ruling leaves them no choice

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When she started writing her college essay, Hillary Amofa told the story she thought admissions offices wanted to hear. About being the daughter of immigrants from Ghana and growing up in a small apartment in Chicago. About hardship and struggle.

Then she deleted it all.

“I would just find myself kind of trauma-dumping,” said the 18-year-old senior at Lincoln Park High School in Chicago. “And I’m just like, this doesn’t really say anything about me as a person.”

When the Supreme Court ended affirmative action in higher education , it left the college essay as one of few places where race can play a role in admissions decisions. For many students of color, instantly more was riding on the already high-stakes writing assignment. Some say they felt pressure to exploit their hardships as they competed for a spot on campus.

Supreme Court strikes down race-based affirmative action in college admissions

In another major reversal, the Supreme Court forbids the use of race as an admissions factor at colleges and universities.

June 29, 2023

Amofa was just starting to think about her essay when the court issued its decision, and it left her with a wave of questions. Could she still write about her race? Could she be penalized for it? She wanted to tell colleges about her heritage but she didn’t want to be defined by it.

In English class, Amofa and her classmates read sample essays that all seemed to focus on some trauma or hardship. It left her with the impression she had to write about her life’s hardest moments to show how far she’d come. But she and some classmates wondered if their lives had been hard enough to catch the attention of admissions offices.

This year’s senior class is the first in decades to navigate college admissions without affirmative action. The Supreme Court upheld the practice in decisions going back to the 1970s, but this court’s conservative supermajority found it is unconstitutional for colleges to give students extra weight because of their race alone.

Still, the decision left room for race to play an indirect role: Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. wrote that universities can still consider how an applicant’s life was shaped by their race, “so long as that discussion is concretely tied to a quality of character or unique ability.”

Scores of colleges responded with new essay prompts asking about students’ backgrounds.

Post-affirmative action, Asian American families are more stressed than ever about college admissions

Parents who didn’t grow up in the American system, and who may have moved to the U.S. in large part for their children’s education, feel desperate and in-the-dark. Some shell out tens of thousands of dollars for consultants as early as junior high.

Nov. 26, 2023

When Darrian Merritt started writing his essay, his first instinct was to write about events that led to him going to live with his grandmother as a child. Those were painful memories, but he thought they might play well at schools like Yale, Stanford and Vanderbilt.

“I feel like the admissions committee might expect a sob story or a tragic story,” said Merritt, a senior in Cleveland. “I wrestled with that a lot.”

Eventually he abandoned the idea and aimed for an essay that would stand out for its positivity.

Merritt wrote about a summer camp where he started to feel more comfortable in his own skin. He described embracing his personality and defying his tendency to please others. But the essay also reflects on his feelings of not being “Black enough” and being made fun of for listening to “white people music.”

Like many students, Max Decker of Portland, Ore., had drafted a college essay on one topic, only to change direction after the Supreme Court ruling in June.

Decker initially wrote about his love for video games. In a childhood surrounded by constant change, navigating his parents’ divorce, the games he took from place to place on his Nintendo DS were a source of comfort.

‘We’re really worried’: What do colleges do now after affirmative action ruling?

The Supreme Court’s ban on affirmative action has triggered angst on campuses about how to promote diversity without considering race in admissions decisions.

But the essay he submitted to colleges focused on the community he found through Word Is Bond, a leadership group for young Black men in Portland.

As the only biracial, Jewish kid with divorced parents in a predominantly white, Christian community, Decker wrote he felt like the odd one out. On a trip with Word Is Bond to Capitol Hill, he and friends who looked just like him shook hands with lawmakers. The experience, he wrote, changed how he saw himself.

“It’s because I’m different that I provide something precious to the world, not the other way around,” wrote Decker, whose top college choice is Tulane in New Orleans because of the region’s diversity.

Amofa used to think affirmative action was only a factor at schools like Harvard and Yale. After the court’s ruling, she was surprised to find that race was taken into account even at public universities she was applying to.

Now, without affirmative action, she wondered if mostly white schools will become even whiter.

A lot of what you’ve heard about affirmative action is wrong

Debate leading up to the Supreme Court’s decision has stirred up plenty of misconceptions. We break down the myths and explain the reality.

It’s been on her mind as she chooses between Indiana University and the University of Dayton, both of which have relatively few Black students. When she was one of the only Black students in her grade school, she could fall back on her family and Ghanaian friends at church. At college, she worries about loneliness.

“That’s what I’m nervous about,” she said. “Going and just feeling so isolated, even though I’m constantly around people.”

The first drafts of her essay didn’t tell colleges about who she is now, she said. Her final essay describes how she came to embrace her natural hair. She wrote about going to a mostly white grade school where classmates made jokes about her afro.

Over time, she ignored their insults and found beauty in the styles worn by women in her life. She now runs a business doing braids and other hairstyles in her neighborhood.

“Criticism will persist,” she wrote “but it loses its power when you know there’s a crown on your head!”

Collin Binkley, Annie Ma and Noreen Nasir write for the Associated Press. Binkley and Nasir reported from Chicago and Ma from Portland, Ore.

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Parents writing essays

<p>I know this sounds really stupid, but my parents are insisting on writing (or editing to the point of indistinguishability) my essays. Yes, I know it is wrong and have told them so repeatedly. Its just that they are not satisfied with what I write and insist that, until I get other teachers to check over my essays, they will not let me send in my own. </p>

<p>My question is, how do I get them to actually accept my essays? They tell me to write about sports or travel, but I am not interested in those facets of my life. </p>

<p>Also, please do not tell me I get automatic admissions because I am URM or anything. I am Mexican, but am not checking off the Mexican box on the application (I want to prove that I can get in by myself). BTW, for college administrators, this name is fake…I took it from a Spanish soap opera! lol…</p>

<p>BTW, I would like to know my chances. I am from Ohio (around 30 minutes North of Columbus!) and go to a private school with around fifty people. My rank is number one and I have an SAT score of 1370 (first time: 580 V, 700 M; second time 600 V, 670 M, highest combined scores) and play soccer and lacrosse. I am not recruited but am legacy at the Prince. Parents are well off.</p>

<p>That’s one of the problems…have your parents listen online to NPR…they have archived broadcasts about college admissions, and a number are on writing college essays…In one the Dean of Admissions at Pomona said that often parents alter and “homogenize the essays to utter blandness.” And the Dean from MIT said that parents are too overzealous and often think that they are helping, but are really not.</p>

<p>Do NOT let your parents write your essays for you. The most important thing is for you to write about something that tells something about WHO you are. When they say they want to know who you are, THEY MEAN IT. Tell your parents that you cannot write about something because they think that it is something the adcom wants to hear, but that you are going to write what YOU have to say about something. Really, YOUR voice needs to come through. Make sure that your parents know that. And write about something that you are passionate about.</p>

<p>P.S. If you need a link if you can’t find it on the NPR website just write it in a reply.</p>

<p>Good Luck!!!</p>

<p>you guys should go see the thread in the Parents Forum “The Waiting Begins” They’re all talking about how to help their kids write essays and I’m there telling them not to. I didn’t let my parents get near mine. In the end, you have to like your essays and have them be true to you, don’t listen to your parents.</p>

<p>if your stuck, its nice to have your parents put in some insight. its also nice for them to read it over and give you their insight but dont let them MAKE you write something. write what you want. parents can give some good advice tho</p>

<p>You’re 1 out of 50, with a combined SAT score of 1270. Your essays are going to make or break you. I’d tell your parents to back off.</p>

<p>Thanks you guys! I think they want what is best for me, but whenever I confront them, it always goes into shouting matches. They say that I am lucky they are paying for this but I say I can pay for it with the ROTC scholarships. They wont let me join the army though, so it is not my choice. God, I am really really so mad!</p>

<p>Your SAT score is low for someone wanting to get into Pton. If your GPA is really high (if ur #1 , it should be), and-most importantly-you have lots of ECs, then you might get in. But the essays have to rock. If you don’t want that kind of pressure, check the hispanic box. I applaud you for your decision not to do that-I wouldnt have had the guts to go in undeclared if I were in your position. But it comes at a major price, so choose carefully.</p>

<h1>1 out of 50? wow, that’s impressive. Anyway, I would take the november sats (even if u have to pay the late fee), rush the scores, and try to raise your score. About the essays, and as everyone else said, its ok for your parents to aid you with the essays, but the most important thing is that you have to get your point and/or personality across. Several times, after i let my parents proofread my essay, i junked it, saying that this was not was i was trying to convey. Best of luck with your parents (they only want the best for you after all).</h1>

<p>Ps. if worst comes to worst, then let your parents write the essays, and at the time that you put your app into the envelope, switch the essays with those of your own. >)</p>

<p>PPs. How are your sat 2’s and EC’s? Rank and sat score are not enough to give a good estimate on your chance at a place like Pton</p>

<p>1370 (first time: 580 V, 700 M; second time 600 V, 670 M, highest combined scores)… That doesnt add up. You take the best VERBAL score and the best MATH score. So that would be 600+700=1300 if I’m not wrong.</p>

<p>at first i thought that was your real name lol. But dont join the military. and for the URM stuff what if your Half Black/Half Mexican, Ive never seen that box anywere my friend was complaining that he couldnt find it</p>

<p>Go ahead and check the race box. The goal is to get in…think of the opportunities you’ll have. They do aa for a reason…so that the campus is [somewhat] a microcosm of the US. My own chances for getting in are really boosted by the fact that I’m a Kentuckian, but I wouldn’t consider myself “less legitimate” if I got in. I know I haven’t had the clubs and AP classes that people from Long Island have had, but I’ve made the most of everything and that’s what they’re looking for. I do agree that they shouldn’t take aa to such an extreme (i.e., skin color isn’t the only thing that necessarily brings diversity to campus), but imagine what HYP would be if they just received applicants from Exeter and St. Paul’s. Check the box; you’ve got everything to gain and nothing to lose. If someone on campus thinks you got in b/c of being hispanic, it’s their problem. Sorry about the rant…haha, I got going, didn’t I?</p>

<p>Thanks for all of the suggestions. I have finally come to a compromise with my parents, and am now just scrambling to get these things done before the November 1 deadline rolls around…I’m probably already way behind everyone!</p>

<p>About the scores–what would be better, to apply with my low scores (which, now since I realize my miscalculation, are even lower than I expected) or to apply regular with higer scores? Both are an issue of chance.</p>

<p>About the race box–I agree that AA does remove the blandness of a school, however I am not a typical Hispanic (that colleges expect to be applying). My parents are fairly wealthy, and I have rarely been discriminated against (my friends and I all use racial terms on each other, but at the end of the day, we’re still friends). </p>

<p>Thanks for helping me get through this…</p>

<p>Dont worry, I am sure without a doubt that noone here is behind me in the app process. Trust mE!!!one!!!eleven!!! heh heh</p>

<p>Regarding the tests and ED/RD desicion… hmm… its almost too close for me to decide, but no matter which option you choose, make sure u firmly stick by it (or else your uncertainity bleeds through onto your application). G’luck with ur apps!</p>

<p>i really think u should check the race box…if u don’t and u didn’t get in, u’ll regret it for the rest of ur live. What’s more important: ur future or ur pride?</p>

<p>what if you get in? will you wonder for the rest of your life if you took someone else’s place as qualified as you? if you wouldnt have made it without race? i disagree cncm</p>

<p>If I wrote my kids essay he wouldn’t get into any college. I do wonder though how much of this goes on? Read some of the posts here and you will realize that there are many people that would do ANYTHING to get what they want. </p>

<p>How do colleges guard against this?</p>

<p>Many scrutinize scores on the Writing SAT II. Otherwise, admissions officers just have to use their ear for overblown expressions and snagging words.</p>

<p>I highly that a parent-written essay would give even the slighest edge over a student-written essay. No matter how well written the essay is, a parent-writtne essay will provide absolutely no insight into the student.</p>

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Should Parents Write Letters of Recommendation?

A college on my daughter's list has asked her father and me for a letter of reference. It will be very tough for us to write about this girl we love and admire so much with the hope that the admission committee will view her as we do and will take our praise seriously. But once we've done it, can we send this letter to her other colleges, too, the ones that didn't ask us for a reference? (I saw that in a book you wrote a few years ago, you said it was a good idea.)

Heaven help me if I ever try to run for political office! My opponents would have no trouble unearthing positions I've taken in the past which I've since reversed. And my stance on unsolicited parent letters is one of them ... well, sort of . Why? Read on:

Not long after I started working in the admission office at Smith College, a couple of decades ago, the administration decided to offer parents the opportunity to write a recommendation for their applicant daughters. I suspect that this plan was hatched largely as a public-relations ploy. The idea was that Mom and Dad would proclaim, "Gee, finally a college that cares about us and what we think," and then they'd encourage their daughters to attend Smith.

Well, even if the concept was self-serving, the parent letters were a huge plus. We often saw sides of our candidates that weren't revealed anywhere else in their applications. Mothers and fathers were full of anecdotes, and the best parent letters weren't merely strings of accolades ("conscientious," "hard-working,""reliable") but also illustrated these qualities. Sure, some letters were a bit top-heavy with tales of pre-school triumphs ("She was the first girl in the Gopher Group to draw a tree that almost looked like one!" ), and such fond family memories didn't always translate into effective application fodder. Yet, overall, the parent letters enabled us to view our applicants through a unique lens.

So, if it were up to me , I'd respond with a resounding "YES" to your query. In fact, in Panicked Parents' Guide to College Admissions (last updated in 2002), I do indeed suggest that parents should feel free to send reference letters to colleges that don't request them. But a year or so ago, this topic came up on the National Association for College Admission Counseling (NACAC) listserve. I was amazed by how many college admission folks made disparaging remarks about parent references. It was as if I could almost seeing them rolling their eyes in Cyberspace. The general consensus seemed to be that, of course, parents are going to support their kids, so the letters will inevitably lack credibility. Some college staffers even called the letters pretentious, their authors pompous or misguided (possibly by me??? :( ).

Obviously, as I noted above, a letter of recommendation--regardless of who writes it--is not terribly effective if it provides only complimentary adjectives. But when anecdotes are supplied to support the accolades, it's a whole different story. And this is true when the letters come from Mom or Dad, as well. Sure, the most cynical admission officials might suspect that such anecdotes from parents are not authentic. But I was always willing to make the assumption that they were , and they certainly offered information that the rest of the application didn't.

So, bottom line: If the letter you compose for the college that requests it really seems to paint a picture of your daughter that the rest of her application doesn't, then you should consider sending it to all her target colleges. But if you do , caveat it up the wazoo! Candidly explain that you initially wrote it for another school, that you were daunted by the task but pleased with the results. Point out that it shows a side that other application materials do not--one that you hope will be helpful. But grovel a bit as well, and apologize in advance for adding to in-box overload and for potentially coming across as presumptuous.

It can be frustrating to recognize that your terrific child is about to be adjudicated by strangers who don't know her. That's one reason that I was always a big fan of the parent letters. But now, since I've discovered that many admission officials are not as enthused as I am, I suggest that you ignore any advice of mine that you stumbled on from the past and use your own judgment instead.. Send the letter only if it reveals information that you think the colleges should know and which might not otherwise reach them. And if I do ever run for public office, expect to find lots of 180's in my voting record. ;)

Sally Rubenstone

Sally Rubenstone knows the competitive and often convoluted college admission process inside out: From the first time the topic of college comes up at the dinner table until the last duffel bag is unloaded on a dorm room floor. She is the co-author of Panicked Parents' Guide to College Admissions; The Transfer Student's Guide to Changing Colleges and The International Student's Guide to Going to College in America. Sally has appeared on NBC's Today program and has been quoted in countless publications, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, USA Weekend, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, Newsweek, People and Seventeen. Sally has viewed the admissions world from many angles: As a Smith College admission counselor for 15 years, an independent college counselor serving students from a wide range of backgrounds and the author of College Confidential's "Ask the Dean" column. She also taught language arts, social studies, study skills and test preparation in 10 schools, including American international schools in London, Paris, Geneva, Athens and Tel Aviv. As senior advisor to College Confidential since 2002, Sally has helped hundreds of students and parents navigate the college admissions maze. In 2008, she co-founded College Karma, a private college consulting firm, with her College Confidential colleague Dave Berry, and she continues to serve as a College Confidential advisor. Sally and her husband, Chris Petrides, became first-time parents in 1997 at the ripe-old age of 45. So Sally was nearly an official senior citizen when her son Jack began the college selection process, and when she was finally able to practice what she had preached for more than three decades.

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I Promised to Pay My Son’s Tuition With No Strings Attached. I’ve Changed My Mind.

We didn’t envision a scenario like this..

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column.  Have a question for Care and Feeding?  Submit it here .

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I have two sons, both in college. We made a deal with them that we would pay for their undergraduate educations, no strings attached. “Ian,” our younger son, is about to complete his first year at a college on the East Coast, where he was recruited to play soccer. Soccer doesn’t pay for his entire tuition, but it reduces it significantly, which is a huge help. While he has no desire to play professionally, one of his dreams was to play soccer in college. “Hannah,” his girlfriend since their senior year in high school, followed him to the same school. Hannah is a nice girl and very bright, but she’s extremely immature and, among other things, comes across as hyper-sexualized. She’s made inappropriate comments to us about what she and Ian do together, is demanding of Ian’s time, and has driven away some of his closest friends. We were hoping he’d find himself and “his people” at college, but we feel like Hannah is holding him back.

They have both decided to transfer after this school year. We ultimately agree that Ian’s school isn’t the right academic fit for him, though he tried to make it work—but Ian’s decision didn’t come about until after Hannah had made her decision to transfer and pushed Ian to do the same. Ian entered the NCAA transfer portal and has offers to play soccer next year from three excellent schools across the country. He did apply to them, but we found out recently that Ian and Hannah have been applying to transfer to other schools, separate from the three who offered Ian for soccer. Some of these have extremely high costs of attendance that would most likely not be offset in any way. This may not be a big deal for Hannah, but it is a big deal for us as it would force us to take out Parent Plus loans, which we’ve managed to avoid until now. What this all means is that Ian is considering quitting college soccer so he can continue going to school with Hannah, which will not only present an unexpected financial burden to us, but also feels like he’s abandoning his dream and his potential.

My wife and I don’t know how to feel about this. On the one hand, Ian is an adult and can make his own decisions. On the other hand, we really don’t want to pay full freight for them to continue going to school together. The offer to pay for the boys’ college didn’t come with any contingencies, cost or otherwise. But when we made it, we didn’t envision a scenario like this where we felt like one of them was making bad decisions. We realize that we run the risk of alienating Ian if we say to him that he’s on his own if they plan to go to school together next year, but we don’t support that decision and don’t want to pay for it. But then the old adage comes up, “You can’t help who you fall in love with.” So, should we go with it, whatever Ian decides? Or should we establish our position and risk potentially alienating him, at least for a little while?

—Tuition or Not Tuition

Dear Tuition,

Let’s put the issue of Hannah aside for a while. You say that Ian’s dream was to play soccer in college. He’s technically done that. Is there a possibility that he has decided he no longer cares about that, or that he’s learned, having done a year, that it’s not for him? It feels potentially problematic to talk about his “potential” in an activity that was never going to be long-term for him, or to assume that his dreams can’t change.

Regarding the financial situation, I get the impression that you can afford the expense, even if it means taking out a loan. (If you couldn’t, you would have put limits on your original offer, right?) Given that, is this financial shift ideal? No. Is that Ian’s fault? I don’t think so; you never told him he wouldn’t have free choice in all this. Changing the terms of his tuition now feels like a bait-and-switch, and it’s hard to see how he would view it as anything other than a punishment for not living his life the way you envisioned. I don’t think that’s the tone you want to set.

Finally, let’s talk about Hannah. She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do and may be holding Ian back. I completely sympathize with your fear that he may choose to prioritize his romantic life over his passion for soccer or his academic priorities. If he decides to follow her to a soccer-less school, he may very well look back years later and wish he had made different choices. But they are his choices to make—a truism you made clear with your open-ended college offer. I can’t see how financially threatening him would help him learn anything, other than to be wary of accepting help from you in the future.

Use this application review time to talk to Ian about what he truly wants regarding soccer, school, the relationship—all of it. Really try to understand his point of view and see if he has considered all the repercussions of his choice. And in the end, support him. Pay for college wherever he goes and grin and bear Hannah’s presence. College is a time to learn how to be an adult—in more ways than one. Helping him make a choice, and accepting that it might be the wrong one, is about an adult a lesson as you can get. If he comes to regret it later, he’ll still have the knowledge that his parents trusted him to take a leap.

Want Advice on Parenting, Kids, or Family Life?

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here . It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)

I have a 4-year-old tabby mackerel. Stormy’s well-behaved, but mostly seems to just tolerate me. I work from home and take her out on her harness for walks, which is how I met “Lara” and her mother “Fiona.” Lara is 6, and Fiona often takes her to the park after she comes home from school, around the time I usually take my afternoon break. Stormy absolutely loves Lara. Starts purring as soon as she sees her, often runs right over to her, and either brushes up against her legs or scrambles up into her arms. Her harness leash is long enough that if I stand under a tree she can climb up into the branches, and Lara will scramble up after her and the two of them will sit on the branches to watch the birds.

So, I suppose it was inevitable that Lara would ask if she could keep my cat. Fiona’s okay with having the animal in her house, and it seems like it would be best for everyone involved, but I can’t shake the feeling that it would be wrong to just give away an animal, especially to a small child. But I don’t have any clear reasons for it, and I’ve always distrusted that kind of inchoate gut-reaction decision-making. How can I splice out my own feelings to get to the bottom of this? Or should I just give my cat to Lara? I’m sure they’d treat her well.

—Untangling Myself

Dear Untangling,

Six-year-olds ask for all kinds of things, so I wouldn’t ascribe too much weight to Lara’s request. That said, it sounds like you are concerned that your cat might be happier with Lara, but you feel irresponsible just giving away a pet. I think this is a totally reasonable hesitation. Animal adoption is, essentially, a promise you make to a living creature. You are promising to be their family and companion, with few to no conditions. To break that promise, even if you feel it’s in the interests of the animal, feels like going back on your word, even like abandonment. You might be worrying that it makes you seem like you don’t care about Stormy, which isn’t the case.

When I am stuck on decisions like this, I try to gather more data. What if you let Lara and Fiona borrow Stormy for a few weeks? See how Stormy does with their family, whether Lara loses interest, and whether you and Stormy miss each other and are happy to be reunited. That might give you the insight to make an informed decision. You might uncover unequivocal evidence that Stormy was meant for Lara’s household and decide to let her go. You might discover the opposite. You might even find that Stormy’s visit went well, but that you ultimately can’t just give up a cat on a whim, which is still a perfectly reasonable choice.

Whatever you choose doesn’t have to be the end of any relationship Stormy has. If you keep the cat, maybe you’d have Lara and Fiona as options for pet-sitting when needed! If you give Stormy to them, maybe the same is true, but reversed. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to act in this situation. If you can confidently say that either home is a safe place for Stormy, you can rest easy with either option.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

·  Missed earlier columns this week?  Read them here . ·  Discuss this column in the  Slate Parenting Facebook group !

My husband and I are both white, mid-40s professionals who work for social justice non-profits, and we’ve worked hard to make anti-racism a family value. We talk a lot, and comfortably, about white supremacy, our privilege, and our own and our extended family’s implicit and explicit biases, and how to confront them. We’re far from perfect, but I’m really proud of our kids (ages 12 and 14) and how they’re making their own choices around these values as they grow up.

Lately, however, I’m concerned that one of my husband’s techniques for calling out bias might be a little harmful to my kids. When we’re watching a movie or TV show with a young white woman in a lead role, he will frequently comment about how silly it is that we’re supposed to feel bad for a “skinny white girl” because she’s “feeling bad for herself.” Except…we have a skinny white girl teenager who is often feeling bad for herself because she’s a teenage girl! She’s a terrific kid who is kind and thoughtful with a strong sense of social justice and compassion—and she’s also a teenager who has friend drama and school pressures and is self-conscious and all the things that are a part of growing up! I’ve tried to gently point out that everyone feels bad about themselves sometimes, regardless of race or body type, and that’s OK; he responds that it’s important to point out that these shows and movies prioritize whiteness at the expense of others. I don’t think he’s wrong about that, but I also don’t think we need to be dismissive of who our kid is and what she’s experiencing in the world. What do I do?

—She Doesn’t Even Go Here

Dear SDEGH,

Nice Mean Girls reference. I think it’s great that you are doing the work of raising your kids with an anti-racist lens. So often, there is a fear that we might not “do anti-racism right,” and that fear can often stop folks from even trying. I see your point about how, in an effort to show how Hollywood is prioritizing cis white females as the dominant narrative, your husband is inadvertently invalidating a perspective that may be meaningful to your daughter. If I were writing to him, I would respectfully suggest that your daughter can know that a story about a “skinny white girl with problems” is not the most important story for everyone, but still feel it’s an important story for her . Those two things can coexist, and you and your husband need to make space for that possibility.

Moreover, by ending the argument at “There are too many white-centric stories in Hollywood,” he may be accidentally glossing over the deeper implication of that phenomenon, which is that the cis white experience is often considered the default in Hollywood, and any other lived experience is thus seen as a deviation from that default. That’s a perspective that is much more complex and nuanced than an offhand commend disparaging white-centric stories. Through that lens, you and your husband might be able to have a conversation about whether his current approach is accomplishing what he thinks it is.

I do want to raise a flag at another potential pitfall I see in his approach, which is that by minimizing the problems of white girls, your husband might be inadvertently implying that the problems of BIPOC girls are much more serious. That kind of overcorrection can actually cause harm itself—especially in regards to Black women, who are very often depicted as victims, and in the way that stories of Black pain are told more frequently than stories of Black joy. I don’t know if that subtext is occurring in your conversations, but it’s something you want to be acutely aware of.

These pitfalls are articulated in a series of fact sheets put out by Think Tank for Inclusion & Equity (TTIE), in collaboration with Color of Change, the Geena Davis Institute, and others. These are easily digestible resources for critical thinking about all kinds of media tropes related to race, sex, disability, and more. Maybe looking at these resources can give you and your husband a shared framework and vocabulary for how you want to continue talking to your kids about race and media. Good luck!

My husband and I have two kids—a 15-month-old girl and an almost 3-year-old boy. Since each was about one year old, they have pretty successfully fallen asleep on their own and slept through the night nearly all the time. Right now is an exception to that. Our daughter is intensely teething as the last four teeth work on coming in. She wakes up multiple times a night, sometimes wanting milk, but mostly seeking comfort as she grabs at her gums. I usually just go hold her, give her some pain meds as appropriate and a cold teether or washcloth to chew on, and put her back down in her crib once she’s asleep. At the same time, our son seems to be starting to have nightmares some nights, waking up crying and telling us about something scary that had happened and needing help to get back to sleep (usually just sitting with him in the chair in his room for a couple of minutes then putting him back in bed). The two in combination are becoming exhausting, but I know the phase for each will pass and they’ll mostly go back to their good sleep habits.

My husband, however, thinks we need to take a cry-it-out approach to get the kids back to sleeping independently. A co-worker told him that’s how they got their kid sleeping through the night and whenever he has a bit of a setback and starts waking up again, they just repeat the process for a few nights and he goes back to sleeping independently. I think we just need to support our kids through a tough transition for each where they need a little more love and attention. We never did cry-it-out to get either of them sleeping on their own and I don’t think it’s appropriate for where they are now, either. Because of this mismatch in how we think the situation should be approached, my husband refuses to get up with either kid at night. He says if I don’t want to cry-it-out, it’s fine, but I will need to be the one that gets up with them since he thinks we should leave them. On top of the exhaustion of sometimes multiple wake-ups a night (again), I’m also starting to feel resentful toward my husband for basically “tapping out” on his parenting responsibilities (as I see it). I’ve brought it up to him and he sticks with saying I don’t have to get up so many times, I could just choose to do cry-it-out and we’d all be getting better sleep sooner. Any suggestions on how to approach this with him, or how to deal with my angry feelings towards him until this is through?

—Hold them Versus Cry-It-Out

Dear Versus,

Sleep drama doesn’t make anyone their best version of themself; I’m sorry that you and your husband find yourselves at loggerheads on how to move forward. I’m not going to place my thumb on the scale of this argument, both because it’s such a charged issue and because there are so many resources out there that discuss various sleep interventions. That latter part is really where my recommendation lies; from your letter, it sounds like your husband is irritated and looking for a solution (fair) and he’s latched onto a friend’s recommendation (also fair). You’re not comfortable with the method. Have the two of you sat down together and done some reading so that you can make an informed decision together? It doesn’t seem so, but I think that is your best bet for moving forward. You need to approach this situation as a fact-finding team: What are the specifics of cry-it-out? Is it recommended as a remedy for pain or acute sleep issues like nightmares? I don’t remember that being the case (I might be wrong), so that’s something to look for. If you keep talking about this as if you’re in opposition, you’re setting up a situation where one of you is destined to lose. As frustrated as you might be, I don’t think that’s a dynamic that either of you wants to cultivate.

That said, you might do all your due diligence and still disagree. If that’s so, maybe your husband has a bit of a point that if you’re going to parent this situation “your” way, you should shoulder the burden. BUT, marriage is still a partnership, even when you disagree, so maybe in exchange, he can pick up some other parenting duties—like cooking the dinners so you can grab a nap before bedtime.

In an ideal world, you will find a way to think of this sleep debacle as a trial you’re facing as a team. If that vibe is hard for you all to strike, think about ways you and your husband can do some relationship repair work once the sleep issues subside. A few well-timed date nights, a weekend away, or reading some relationship books together are all ways that can get yourselves back on the same page after being at odds. This isn’t the first time you’ll disagree on how to handle an issue, but with communication and trust, you’ll hopefully get better at surmounting conflict each time.

More Advice From Slate

My daughter just turned 7, and she is very neat and tidy for a little kid. When she was younger, we had her tested for autism because she had so many different routines and other things that needed to stay “just so,” but other than that she showed no signs of autism. Her toys have to be in a certain alternating order, one pillow has to be fluffed three times, and she always ties her shoelaces three times before leaving the house.

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Parents’ Guide to College

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• Parents' Guide to College

O ne of the most common responses given when students are asked why they selected a particular college is, “it just felt right.”

So, how do you define feel? How can a parent (and the student) start to put a list together of colleges that might feel right? The bottom line is that there are no rights and/or wrongs for parents wanting to help their young student choose a college or university because every student is different – their dreams, their goals, their skill set, their comfort level and so many other “theirs” to consider. But there are ways parents can help in the process and help their young student find a school that might just feel right.

Here are the obvious ones to consider right away. Price. Major. Location. No. 1 is can we afford it, are there cost-saving opportunities available (like scholarships and financial aid) and how much debt are we looking at? Does this school offer the programs our student is interested in? And what part of the country does our student want to spend (or not want to spend) the next four years of their life living in? Size of the school and safety concerns are also factors in finding the right feel.

In a recent survey, 9- percent of students pointed to a half dozen reasons behind their final decision: affordability, desired program, career outcomes, reputation/academic quality, value and proximity to home.

Michigan is home to some of the most amazing and distinguished colleges, universities, and schools of higher learning in the world. And that includes many schools outside of Ann Arbor and East Lansing. Many young students are viewing the world through a different lens these days and “focusing” more on very specific interests and career opportunities.

The No. 1 rule for parents in helping decide where their child should go to college is to HELP them decide – not make the decision for them. Yes, even if you are paying the bill, it’s their decision and their future. So let them make the final choice.

Parents shouldn’t stress about finding the so-called perfect college, because in truth, there is no perfect college, but hopefully there are a few colleges that appear to be a best fit for your student. Be a guide for your child but understand the ultimate decision will come down to what feels right for them.

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