College Nut

Good College Essays About Being Gay: A Deep Dive into Authenticity and Identity

Understanding the importance of college essays.

College essays are an essential aspect of the college application process, providing a platform for students to showcase their personality, experiences, and achievements. It is an opportunity for students to present themselves beyond their grades, test scores, and extracurricular activities. The college essay offers a glimpse into the student’s life, values, and aspirations. It is a chance to set oneself apart from the thousands of other applicants vying for admission.

The Stigma Surrounding LGBTQ+ Students

The LGBTQ+ community has faced social stigmas for centuries. While significant progress has been made towards acceptance, it remains a difficult topic to navigate. Despite the increasing visibility and acceptance of LGBTQ+ individuals, the process of coming out and being true to oneself can be challenging, particularly for young people. College essays provide an opportunity to share the LGBTQ+ experience with those who may not understand it, thus increasing awareness and promoting acceptance.

Authenticity is Key

The most important aspect of writing a college essay is being authentic. Authenticity is essential because it not only reflects the student’s true self, but it also helps the admissions committee get a sense of who the student is beyond their application. It is crucial to avoid presenting a false image of oneself in the essay, as it can lead to disappointment and rejection if the student does not live up to that image in real life. Students should focus on writing honestly and passionately about their experiences, values, and aspirations.

Tips for Authentic Writing

  • Write from the heart and tell your story.
  • Avoid trying to fit into a mold or writing what you think the admissions committee wants to hear.
  • Be specific and detailed in your writing to help the reader visualize your experiences.
  • Use vivid language to convey your emotions and feelings.
  • Show, don’t tell. Use anecdotes to illustrate your points.

Writing about Being Gay

Writing a college essay about being gay can be a daunting task. It requires a delicate balance between authenticity, vulnerability, and advocacy. It can be challenging to navigate the complexities of being LGBTQ+ and the impact it has on one’s personal and social life. However, it is an opportunity to provide a unique perspective on the LGBTQ+ experience and to promote understanding and acceptance.

Dos and Don’ts

  • Do write about your experiences and how they have shaped you.
  • Do share your feelings and emotions about your sexuality.
  • Do advocate for the LGBTQ+ community and promote acceptance.
  • Don’t write about being gay as if it is a choice or a phase.
  • Don’t focus solely on the negative aspects of being gay.
  • Don’t use offensive language or make derogatory remarks about others.

Conclusion: Embracing Your Identity

In conclusion, writing a good college essay about being gay requires authenticity, vulnerability, and advocacy. It is an opportunity to showcase one’s true self and provide a unique perspective on the LGBTQ+ experience. Writing about being gay can be challenging, but it is also a chance to promote understanding and acceptance. Embracing one’s identity and sharing it with others can be a transformative experience for both the writer and the reader.

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Chapter 6: 21st-century media and issues

6.7 Why I needed a gay handbook (argument from experience)

Anonymous English 102 Writer

2021 Plain Dealer Excellence in Writing Award Winning Essay

February 2021.

“Mom, Dad, I’m gay.” Moments leading up to that little sentence, I thought I was going to cry, throw up, and literally die all at the same time. My parents are sweet and supportive but that really does not change how difficult it is to say. My mom cried and gave me a hug and told me she loved me no matter what; and my dad was silent for a long time. He hung his head and I waited. He finally looked up at me and said, “Would a Chip-and-Dale change your mind?” He started laughing and then told me he didn’t care as long as I was happy. I explained that, no, a stripper was not going to change my mind and we all had a good laugh. That was probably the best outcome of that conversation that I could have imagined. Then I entered this weird time of “I’ve finally figured it out, now what?” It is frightening to start a new chapter of your life, especially when you do not know much about the community, culture, and history. After learning more and becoming more comfortable, I realized that I needed a dictionary for all of the new LGBTQ+ words that I was expected to know!  

A few months after coming out to the important people in my life, I had found websites, YouTube channels, Tiktok accounts, and reached out to LGBTQ+ friends and learned so many new things. However, there were terms and slang and derogatory words that I was having trouble remembering and I did not want to use. I did not want to use the wrong terminology and be offensive or hurtful to someone, but I was expected to know all of the new words regardless of if I used them or not. There are so many websites dedicated to gay and lesbian slang but do not even touch on bisexual, pansexual, asexual, trans, and nonbinary words. Everyone has lots and lots of things to remember.  

I remember when I came out to one of my best friends, Ryan, who is a gay drag queen. After congratulating me he said “Welcome to the Alphabet Mafia! What kind of lesbian are you?” I stood there, visibly confused, and answered “Umm, the kind that likes women?” He thought that was the funniest thing he had ever heard and then proceeded to give me my options for what “type” I am. He listed probably 20 different things before I stopped him, and he ended up sending me a website showing all the “categories” instead of trying to explain them all to me. I literally needed a gay dictionary to know what on Earth he was talking about. I knew then that I needed to learn this new language before talking to someone else in the “Alphabet Mafia” (LGBTQ+ community), so I did not look like a fool. Thus, I began my research to become literate in the language of the gays. 

I started small with simple words that I knew. Gay: homosexuals (usually men). Lesbians: homosexuals (only women). I had to do more research into why gay could be both men and women, but lesbians are only women. I learned that it stems from many people feeling uncomfortable with the word lesbian, so they use gay or queer instead. Which leads me to the next word, Queer: A reclaimed slur by the LGBTQ+ community, refers to anyone that is either gender non-conforming or attracted to the same sex in any capacity; this includes bisexual and pansexual. At this point I already felt so overwhelmed. I had been learning different terms for only a few minutes and there were already three different things that I could call myself. So, for research purposes, I decided to narrow it down to specifically lesbian terms. 

The first result I found was WLW, which means women loving women. I liked that it was inclusive like the word queer. The next three words I found go together like a set and then each break into different sub-categories. The three words are Femme, Butch, and Futch. Femme: A lesbian woman that dresses in feminine clothing and has an overall feminine identity. Butch: A lesbian woman that presents in more of a masculine way through their clothing. And finally, Futch: A combination of Butch and Femme that can be more of an androgenous style. I realized it was all about presentations and what you like. After coming to this conclusion, it was easier to understand all of the different gay-subtypes. For example, Diesel Dyke: A woman who presents more butch and likes to drive fast cars and have sex in them. It is fairly straight forward and to the point.  

Then I stumbled across slang and derogatory terms. Let me begin with it is never okay to call someone a f*g or anything that they are not comfortable with for that matter. I even knew that one before figuring out I was gay. The next word has been reappropriated but derives from a homophobic and misogynistic slur and that is dyke. I personally would not like to be called this but from what I have read, it is a term of empowerment and just another word for lesbian or WLW. But to reiterate, if someone has not specifically said that they are okay being called something, never assume. If they refer to themselves as something, check in with them before you refer to them as that same thing. There were many other terms for identity like Chapstick Lesbian: the femme one in a gay relationship, Celesbian: a lesbian celebrity, Baby Dyke: someone who recently came out, 100-Footer: a person you can tell is gay from 100 feet away, and there are many more.  

There were also words that are actions that lesbians do. For example, U-Haul: when lesbians move in together after the second date (it’s totally a thing and I don’t know why we do this), and Saysbian: someone who says they are a lesbian but they only date men. Some broad terms that are kind of common knowledge are LGBTQIA+: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer/Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual/Allies. These do not include gender identity only sexual orientations. I am still to this day learning all of the different things that people can be, and I think it is wonderful, but you really need a dictionary or a guidebook.  

Some other things to know are the flags, how to spot a gay in the wild, and what to say to them. I have memorized the flags, but I do not have one of my own. So, I wear the lesbian pride colors in a bracelet. To someone who was not looking for pride colors, my bracelet looks like any old friendship bracelet. However, to someone who was looking for it, it would show them that I am gay!

gay experience essay

Another thing that I have discovered are the styles of clothing that are indicators of someone being gay. These include cuffing jeans or sleeves, septum piercings, flannels, beanies, crazy earrings, lots of rings, multi-colored painted fingernails, and any sort of pride colors in an outfit. In finding my identity and becoming more comfortable, I have found how much I enjoy being a part of this stereotype of style. Of course, this is to say that not every person who does those things are gay. However, many gay people do and wear these things. In the photo below, I am wearing a pride bracelet, many rings, and multicolored nails (out of frame) and a beanie, crazy earrings, and both my sleeves and jeans were cuffed. These are stereotypical gay accessories.

When you spot a gay in the wild and your gay-dar (gay radar) is going off, there are a few things that you can say to ask them if they are gay without outing them in public. You can say “I really like your style” and see how they respond. If they are wearing pride buttons or have anything that is “known for being gay” like an undercut or eyebrow slit, compliment those specific things when you say you like their style. They will catch on quickly. The final thing to figure out if a girl is gay is to ask, “Do you listen to Girl in Red?” Girl in Red is an musician that sings about lesbian relationships and is very relatable to queer ladies, trans women, and nonbinary folks that are attracted to women. She is a Dykon: a famous lesbian or a straight person that is a strong ally.  

I have learned so much since coming out and I am so proud to be a part of the LGBTQ+ community. I am still learning new things every day. It can be scary sometimes to know what is right and wrong to say. Whenever I have had doubts, google or a trusted friend were able to help. I am so thankful for all the support that I have received, and I love that I am finally able to truly be myself. It is nice to get to a point where I am confident and comfortable enough to talk about something that is so important to me. However, when I first started this journey, I wished I had a dictionary or a guidebook that could have helped me when I was lost in terminology because I really needed one.  

Understanding Literacy in Our Lives by Anonymous English 102 Writer is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License , except where otherwise noted.

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20 Must-Read Queer Essay Collections

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Laura Sackton

Laura Sackton is a queer book nerd and freelance writer, known on the internet for loving winter, despising summer, and going overboard with extravagant baking projects. In addition to her work at Book Riot, she reviews for BookPage and AudioFile, and writes a weekly newsletter, Books & Bakes , celebrating queer lit and tasty treats. You can catch her on Instagram shouting about the queer books she loves and sharing photos of the walks she takes in the hills of Western Mass (while listening to audiobooks, of course).

View All posts by Laura Sackton

I love essay collections, and I love queer books, so obviously I love queer essay collections. An essay collection can be so many things. It can be an opportunity to examine one particular subject in depth. Or it can be a wonderful messy mix of dozens of themes and ideas. The books on this list are a mix of both. Some hone in on an author’s own life, while others look outward, examining current events, history, and pop culture. Some are funny, some are very serious, and some are decidedly both.

In making this list, I used two criteria: 1) queer authors and 2) queer content. There are, of course, plenty of wonderful essay collections out there by queer authors that aren’t about queerness. But this list focuses on essays that explore queerness in all its messy glory. You’ll also find essays here about many other things: tornadoes, step-parenthood, the internet, tarot, activism, online dating, to name just a few. But taken together, the essays in each of these books add up to a queer whole.

I limited myself to living authors, and even so, there were so many amazing queer essay collections I wanted to include but couldn’t. This is just a drop in the bucket, but it’s a great place to start if you need more queer essays in your life — and who doesn’t?

Personal Queer Essay Collections

How to Write an Autobiographical Novel- Essays by Alexander Chee

How to Write An Autobiographical Novel by Alexander Chee

It’s hard for me to put my finger on the thing that elevates an essay collection from a handful of individual pieces to a cohesive book. But Chee obviously knows what that thing is, because this book builds on itself. He writes about growing roses and working odd jobs and AIDS activism and drag and writing a novel, and each of these essays is singularly moving. But as a whole they paint a complex portrait of a slice of the writer’s life. They inform and converse with each other, and the result is a book you can revisit again and again, always finding something new.

gay experience essay

I Hope We Choose Love by Kai Cheng Thom

In this collection of beautiful and thought-provoking essays, Kai Cheng Thom explores the messy, far-from-perfect realties of queer and trans communities and community movements. She writes about what many community organizers, activists, and artists don’t want to talk about: the hard stuff, the painful stuff, the bad times. It’s not all grim, but it’s very real. Thom addresses transphobia, racism, and exclusion, but she also writes about the particular joys she’s found in creating community and family with other queer and trans people of color. This is a must-read for anyone involved in social justice work, or immersed in queer community.

gay experience essay

Here For It by R. Eric Thomas

If you enjoy books that blend humor and heartfelt wisdom, you’ll love this collection. R. Eric Thomas writes about coming of age as a writer on the internet, his changing relationship to Christianity, the messy intersections of his queer Black identity. It’s a lovey mix of grappling and quips. It’s full of pop culture references and witty asides, as well as moving, vulnerable personal stories.

Cover of The Rib Joint by Julia Koets

The Rib Joint by Julia Koets

This slim memoir-in-essays is entirely personal. Although Koets does weave some history, pop culture, and religion into the work — everything from the history of organs to Sally Ride — her gaze is mostly focused inward. The essays are short and beautifully written; she often leaves the analysis to the reader, simply letting distinct and sometimes contradictory ideas and images sit next to each other on the page. She writes about her childhood in the South, the hidden and often invisible queer relationships she had as a teenager and young adult, secrets and closets, and the tensions and overlaps between religion and queerness.

July 2018 book covers

I Can’t Date Jesus by Michael Arceneaux

This is another fantastic humorous essay collection. Arceneaux somehow manages to be laugh-out-loud funny while also delivering nuanced cultural critique and telling vulnerable stories from his life. He writes about growing up in Houston, family relationships, coming out, and so much more. The whole book wrestles with how to be a young Black queer person striving to make meaning in the world. His second collection, I Don’t Want to Die Poor , is equally wonderful.

gay experience essay

Tomboyland by Melissa Faliveno

If you’re wondering, this is the book that contains an essay about tornadoes. It also contains a gorgeous essay about pantry moths (among other things). Those are just two of the many subjects Faliveno plumbs the depths of in this remarkable book. She writes about gender expression and how her relationship with gender has changed throughout her life, about queer desire and family, about Midwestern culture, about place and home, about bisexuality and bi erasure. Her far-ranging essays challenge mainstream ideas about what queer lives do and do not look like. She asks more questions than she answers, delving into the murky terrain of desire and identity.

gay experience essay

Something That May Shock and Discredit You by Daniel M. Lavery

Is this book even an essay collection? It is, and it isn’t. Some of these pieces are deeply personal stories about Lavery’s experience with transition. Others are trans retellings of mythology, literature, and film. All of it is weird and smart and impossibly to classify. Lavery examines the idea of transition from every angle, creating new stories about trans history, trans identity, and transformation itself.

Brown White Black: An American Family at the Intersection of Race, Gender, Sexuality, and Religion by Nishta J. Mehra book cover

Brown White Black by Nishta J. Mehra

If there’s one thing I love most in an essay collection, it’s when an author allows contradictions and messy, fraught truths to live next to each other on the page. I love when an essayist asks more questions than they answer. That’s what Mehra does in this book. An Indian American woman married to a white woman and raising a Black son, she writes with openness and curiosity about her particular family. She explores how race, sexuality, gender, class, and religion impact her life and most intimate relationships, as well as American culture more broadly.

gay experience essay

Blood, Marriage, Wine, & Glitter by S. Bear Bergman

This essay collection is an embodiment of queer joy, of what it means to become part of a queer family. Every essay captures some aspect of the complexity and joy that is queer family-making. Bergman writes about being a trans parent, about beloved friends, about the challenges of partnership, about intimacy in myriad forms. His tone is warm and open-hearted and joyful and celebratory.

Cover of Forty-Three Septembers by Jewelle Gómez

Forty-Three Septembers by Jewelle Gómez

In these contemplative essays, Jewell Gómez explores the various pieces of her life as a Black lesbian, writing about family, aging, and her own history. Into these personal stories she weaves an analysis of history and current events. She writes about racism and homophobia, both within and outside of queer and Black communities, and about her life as an artist and poet, and how those identities, too, have shaped the way she sees the world.

Cover of Pass With Care by Cooper Lee Bombardier

Pass With Care by Cooper Lee Bombardier

Set mostly against the backdrop of queer culture in 1990s San Francisco, this memoir in essays is about trans identity, being an artist, masculinity, queer activism, and so much more. Bombardier brings particular places and times to life (San Francisco in the 1990s, but other places as well), but he also connects those times and experiences to the present in really interesting ways. He recognizes the importance of queer and trans history, while also exploring the possibilities of queer and trans futures.

Care Work cover image

Care Work by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

This is a beautiful, rigorous collection of essays about disability justice centering disabled queer and trans people of color. From an exploration of the radical care collectives Piepzna-Samarasinha and other queer and trans BIPOC have organized to an essay where examines the problems with the “survivor industrial complex,” every one of these pieces is full of wisdom, anger, transformation, radical celebration. It challenged me on so many levels, in the best possible way. It’s a must read for anyone engaged in any kind of activist work.

I'm-Afraid-of-Men-shraya-cover

I’m Afraid of Men by Vivek Shraya

I’m cheating a little bit here, because technically I’d classify this book as one essay, singular, rather than a collection of essays. But I’m including it anyway, because it is brilliant, and because I think it exemplifies just what a good essay can do, what a powerful form of writing it can be. By reflection on various experiences Shraya has had with men over the course of her life, she examines the connections and intersections between sexism, transmisogyny, toxic masculinity, and sexual violence. It’s a heavy read, but Shraya’s writing is anything but. It’s agile and graceful, flowing and jumping between disparate thoughts and ideas. This is a book-length essay you can read in one sitting, but it’ll leave you with enough to think about for many days afterward.

Gender Failure by Rae Spoon and Ivan Coyote

Gender Failure by Ivan E. Coyote and Rae Spoon

In this collaborative essay collection, trans writers and performers Ivan E. Coyote and Rae Spoon play with both gender and form. The book is a combination of personal essays, short vignettes, song lyrics, and images. Using these various kinds of storytelling, they both recount their own particular journeys around gender — how their genders have changed throughout their lives, the ways the gender binary has continually harmed them both, and the many communities, people, and experiences that have contributed to joyful self-expression and gender freedom.

The Groom Will Keep His Name by Matt Ortile

The Groom Will Keep His Name by Matt Ortile

Matt Ortile uses his experiences as a gay Filipino immigrant as a lens in these witty, insightful, and moving essays. By telling his own stories — of dating, falling in love, struggling to “fit in” — he illuminates the intersections among so many issues facing America right now (and always). He writes about the model minority myth and many other myths he told himself about assimilation, sex, power, what it means to be an American. It’s a heartfelt collection of personal essays that engage meaningfully, and critically, with the wider world.

cover of wow, no thank you. by Samantha Irby

Wow, No Thank You by Samantha Irby

I’m not a big fan of humorous essays in this vein, heavy on pop culture references I do not understand and full of snark. But I absolutely love Irby’s books, which is about the highest praise I can give. I honestly think there is something in here for everyone. Irby is just so very much herself: she writes about whatever the hell she wants to, whether that’s aging or the weirdness of small town America or snacks (there is a lot to say about snacks). And whatever the subject, she’s always got something funny or insightful or new or just super relatable to say.

Queer Essay Anthologies

Cover of She Called Me Woman by Azeenarh Mohammed

She Called Me Woman Edited by Azeenarh Mohammed, Chitra Nagarajan, and Aisha Salau

This anthology collects 30 first-person narratives by queer Nigerian women. The essays reflect a range of experiences, capturing the challenges that queer Nigerian women face, as well as the joyful lives and communities they’ve built. The essays explore sexuality, spirituality, relationships, money, love, societal expectations, gender expression, and so much more.

gay experience essay

Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships & Identity by Carter Sickels

When gay marriage was legalized, I felt pretty ambivalent about it, even though I knew I was supposed to be excited. But I have never wanted or cared about marriage. Reading this book made me feel so seen. That’s not to say it’s anti-marriage — it isn’t! It’s a collection of personal essays from a diverse range of queer people about the families they’ve made. Some are traditional. Some are not. The essays are about marriages and friendships, parenthood and siblinghood, polyamorous relationships and monogamous ones. It’s a book that celebrates the different forms queer families take, never valuing any one kind of family or relationship over another.

Cover of Nonbinary by Micah Rajunov and Scott Duane

Nonbinary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity Edited by Micah Rajunov and Scott Duane

This book collects essays from 30 nonbinary writers, and trans and gender-nonconforming writers whose genders fall outside the binary. The writers inhabit a diverse range of identity and experience in terms of race, age, class, sexuality. Some of the essays are explicitly about gender identity, others are about family and relationships, and still others are about activism and politics. As a whole, the book celebrates the expansiveness of trans experiences, and the many ways there are to inhabit a body.

Cover of Moving Truth(s) edited by Aparajeeta Duttchoudhury

Moving Truth(s): Queer and Transgender Desi Writings on Family Edited by Aparajeeta ‘Sasha’ Duttchoudhury and Rukie Hartman

This anthology brings together a collection of diverse essays by queer and trans Desi writers. The pieces explore family in all its shapes and iterations. Contributors write about community, friendship, culture, trauma, healing. It’s a wonderfully nuanced collection. Though there is a thread that runs through the whole book — queer and trans Desi identity — the range of viewpoints, styles and experiences represented makes it clear how expansive identity is.

Looking for more queer books? I made a list of 40 of my favorites . If you’re looking for more essay collections to add to your list, check out 10 Must-Read Essay Collections by Women , and The Best Essays from 2019 . And if you’re not in the mood for a whole book right now, why not try one of these free essays available online (including some great queer ones)?

gay experience essay

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Connor Franta Writes Essay About Coming Out, Self-Acceptance

By Connor Franta

Image may contain Clothing Apparel Connor Franta Human Person Plant and Man

Now, I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you: the journey to self-acceptance is a long one. I WISH we came into to this world knowing exactly who we are, which paths we’re going to take, and ultimately where we’ll end up, but sadly, that’s not how things work around here (also, where’s the fun in that?). What I’m reminded of on nearly a daily basis is that every single one of us has, is, and will be thrown multiple curve balls directly at our faces during this semi-brief existence and all you can do is tackle them in stride one by one. Difference is not easy and, on the contrary, finding yourself through difference takes a lot of time and effort.

Today, National Coming Out Day, I want to briefly reflect on my coming out experience and share with you a little insight into my experience as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. To date, one of the largest obstacles I’ve faced in my path to self-acceptance is my sexuality. Seemingly out of nowhere, around the difficult age of 12, my brain formed the question: What if I’m gay? And from that point forward, my mind felt like a prison I committed no crime to be placed in.

I’m going to save you the long, sob story filled with teenage angst and fast-forward you to present day me: Hi, I’m Connor Franta. I’m 24 years old. I live in Los Angeles, CA and work as a YouTube creator, entrepreneur, and overall the most millennial person you’ve ever read about. I’m sorry (I’m not). Oh, and also, I’ve been living as an openly gay male now for nearly 3 years and have honestly never been happier since coming out to my friends, family, and online to over 11 million people. Wow, I make it sound so easy. But for anyone whose journey led them through the process of coming out, they know otherwise.

Growing up in the Midwest, a great place I might add, definitely elongated my personal journey of self-acceptance. I’ve scratched my head for years trying to remember, but if I’m being honest, I don’t think I knew any openly gay people growing up in Minnesota. And if I did, there definitely weren’t many. For a young closeted boy, that was terrifying. It was daunting to feel as though I was alone (even though I wasn’t). That feeling kept me struggling in silence for years because I had no one to console me during what seemed like an individual experience. Well, that was until I found YouTube.

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When I discovered YouTube near its birth back in 2005, I quickly found myself drawn to the more personal side of its content. A few sleepless nights later, and I found myself watching complete strangers talk about their coming out experiences on the platform in the greatest of detail. Many of which comforted and inspired me, so I sprinkled them amongst these sentences to hopefully assist you. After a few (hundred) video clicks later, I had an epiphany: I wasn’t alone. In fact, the more I watched, the more I realized my story wasn’t uncommon at all. There were already dozens of videos about this experience, with people that had similar thoughts, and felt comparable feelings that, for so long, I was convinced were only individual to me. Other people were going through the. exact. same. thing. as. I. was. And that’s where my process of self-acceptance truly began beginning with the help and guidance of total strangers.

Everyone is living in search of their truth with the assumption we’re all looking for something different, but whether you're open about your sexuality, struggling with it still or even identify as straight, just help each other. Be there for one another in any way or at any time possible. My process of becoming myself has been made wonderful with friends, family, and, apparently, strangers assisting me along the way. I owe a lot of my current state of happiness to the people I’ve crossed paths with in this life, so be aware that you can have that impact on the lives of the people around you.

I really do hope my words, although brief because I tend to blabber on aimlessly, have helped and enlightened you even if in the smallest of ways. If not mine, be sure to hear the real stories of others in the videos linked throughout this article. With all this in mind, remember to be there for others and allow them to be there for you. That kindness is unparalleled.

You are never alone.

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Chapter 3: the coming out experience.

For lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people, realizing their sexual orientation or gender identity and sharing that information with family and friends is often a gradual process that can unfold over a series of years. This section looks at the process of coming out—when and how it happens, how difficult it is, and what impact it has on relationships.

This section also explores the interactions LGBT adults have outside of their circles of family and close friends—in their communities and workplaces. Some seek out neighborhoods that are predominantly LGBT, but most do not. A majority of employed LGBT adults say their workplaces are accepting of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. Still, about half say only a few or none of their co-workers know about their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Ultimately, these journeys are personal and hard to quantify. Survey respondents were invited to elaborate on their experiences, and many of their stories are captured in an interactive feature on the Pew Research Center website.

Interactive: LGBT Voices

gay experience essay

Explore some 300 quotes from LGBT survey respondents about their coming out experiences.

How Many of the Important People in Your Life Know?

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There are large differences here across LGB groups. Lesbians and gay men are more likely than bisexuals to have told at least one close friend about their sexual orientation (96% of gay men and 94% of lesbians, compared with 79% of bisexuals). And they are much more likely to say that most of the people who are important to them know about this aspect of their life: 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians say all or most people know, compared with 28% of bisexuals. Among bisexuals, there are large differences between men and women in the share who say the people closest to them know that they are bisexual. Roughly nine-in-ten bisexual women (88%) say they have told a close friend about their sexual orientation; only 55% of bisexual men say they have told a close friend. Similarly, while one-third of bisexual women say most of the important people in their life know they are bisexual, only 12% of bisexual men say the same. Furthermore, 65% of bisexual men say that only a few or none of the important people in their life know they are bisexual.

Among all LGBT adults, those with a college degree are more likely than those who have not graduated from college to say all or most of the important people in their life know they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (64% vs. 49%). There are no significant differences across age groups. Similar shares of young, middle-aged and older LGBT adults say most of the important people in their life are aware of their sexual orientation or gender identity. There is an age gap among bisexuals, however, with bisexuals under the age of 45 much more likely than those ages 45 or older to say most of the important people in their life know that they are bisexual (32% and 18%, respectively).

Growing Up LGBT

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Among gay men, about four-in-ten (38%) say they were younger than 10 when they first felt they were not heterosexual. By comparison 23% of lesbians and 18% of bisexuals say they were younger than 10 when they first started to question their sexuality.

The vast majority of lesbians, gay men and bisexuals say they were in their teens or younger when they first started to feel they might not be straight. Only 7% were in their twenties, and 4% were 30 or older. Gay men are the least likely to report first having these feelings in their twenties or beyond: 3% say they were 20 or older, compared with 14% of lesbians and 15% of bisexuals.

After these initial feelings, it took some time for most LGBT adults to be sure of their sexual orientation or gender identity. 15 Among LGBT adults who say they know for sure that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (92%), 17 is the median age at which they say they knew.

Relatively few LGBT adults (5%) say they were sure about their sexual orientation or gender identity before they were age 10. A majority (59%) say they knew between the ages of 10 and 19. One-in-five say they knew for sure they were lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender when they were in their twenties, and 8% say it wasn’t until they were 30 or older. Some 6% say they still aren’t entirely sure.

Again, gay men reached this milestone, on average, sooner than lesbians and bisexuals. The median age at which gay men say they were sure they were gay is 15. For lesbians, the median age when they were certain about their sexual orientation was 18, and for bisexuals it was 17.

Telling Friends and Family

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Among those who have told a friend or family member about their sexual orientation or gender identity, the median age at which they did this was 20. The median age is slightly lower for gay men (18) than lesbians (21) or bisexuals (20).

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Among gay men and lesbians under age 30, 24% say they first told a friend or family member that they were gay or lesbian before the age of 15. This compares with 8% of gay men and lesbians between the ages of 30 to 49 and 3% of those ages 50 and older. Fully two-thirds of gay men and lesbians under age 30 say they shared their sexual orientation with a friend or family member before they were 20 years old. This compares with 47% of those ages 30 to 49 and 35% of those ages 50 and older.

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It is important to note that many LGBT adults followed a different sequence in coming to realize their sexual orientation or gender identity and beginning to share it with others. Some individuals first felt they might be something other than straight, then told someone about it, but are still not entirely sure. Others may know for certain that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender but may have never shared this information with anyone.

Telling Mom and Dad

An important milestone for many lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people is telling their parents about their sexual orientation or gender identity. Overall, LGBT adults are more likely to have shared this information with their mothers than with their fathers. Most say telling their parents was difficult, but relatively few say it damaged their relationship.

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Roughly four-in-ten LGBT adults (39%) say they have told their father about their sexual orientation or gender identity. The same share say they have not told their father. An additional 21% say that their father is deceased or that they have no relationship with him.

Overall, LGBT adults are much more likely to have told a close friend that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender than they are to have told one of their parents. Fully 86% say they have shared this information with a close friend.

Across LGB groups, gay men and lesbians are much more likely than bisexuals to have told their parents about their sexual orientation. Fully 70% of gay men and 67% of lesbians have told their mother, compared with 40% of bisexuals. Similarly, 53% of gay men and 45% of lesbians have told their father, compared with only 24% of bisexuals.

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LGBT respondents who said that they have not told their parents about their sexual orientation or gender identity were asked in an open-ended question why they had not shared this information. Two main reasons emerged. First, many respondents say it was not important to tell their parent or that the subject never came up. About one-in-four respondents (27%) who have not told their mother gave this as a reason, as did 21% who have not told their father.

Bisexuals are much more likely than gay men and lesbians to say their sexual orientation never came up with their parents or that raising the subject was not important to them. Among those who have not told their mothers, 34% of bisexuals and 16% of gay men and lesbians gave this type of explanation when asked why they hadn’t told her. 17 The pattern is similar among LGB adults who said they have not told their father about their sexual orientation.

The second-most common response given by LGBT adults in explaining why they did not tell their mother or father about their sexual orientation or gender identity was that they assumed their parent would not be accepting or understanding of this, or they worried about how it would affect their relationship with their parent. Among LGBT respondents who have not told their mother, 22% gave this type of explanation; 20% of those who haven’t told their father gave a similar reason. There are no significant differences here between gay men, lesbians and bisexuals.

One-in-five gay men and lesbians who have not told their mother about their sexual orientation say they never told her because she already knew or someone else told her. A much smaller share of bisexuals says this—only 7% say they didn’t tell their mother, but that she already knew. Among LGB adults who have not told their father about their sexual orientation, 13% of gay men say this is because he already knew, as well as 17% of lesbians and 5% of bisexuals.

For LGBT adults who have not told their father that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, about one-in-ten (12%) say they didn’t tell him because they do not have a close relationship with him. This is less of a factor with mothers: Only 4% of LGBT respondents say they haven’t told their mother about their sexual orientation because their relationship is not close.

Voices: Why Didn’t You Tell Your Mother or Father?

“My mom strongly upholds all of the views of her church and one of those is being totally anti-gay. She is very conservative and not very accepting.” – Lesbian, age 65

“It was experimentation. I didn’t think it was any of her business, as it was none of her business how many men partners I had.” – Bisexual woman, age 61

“Don’t want to stress her out. Her oldest brother was casualty of the AIDS epidemic in the early 90s.” – Gay man, age 43

“I always felt she already knew. I always meant to have ‘the conversation’ but the time never seemed right.” – Gay man, age 57

“It’s just never come up. I rarely discuss details of my love life with anyone since I am a deeply private person. If I were to make a serious commitment to another woman, I would tell my mother about it” – Bisexual woman, age 39

“This is not a subject to discuss or tell anyone about, ever, except those with whom I may enjoy having sex with. It’s not my identity. It is an activity – like bowling, or gardening, or pick-up basketball games in the neighborhood, or joining the PTA – except that it’s more intimate & personal, as a matter of discretion and respect for proper behavior in polite society.” – Bisexual woman, age 54

“I doubt he would have any clue what I was talking about or why I was bringing it to him or what it meant.” – Transgender person, age 19

“He’s very religious and he observed my orientation before I outwardly expressed it. It was like a silent acknowledgement but not acceptance.” – Lesbian, age 58

“Unless I decide to be with a girl long term, there is no reason for him to know.” – Bisexual woman, age 25

“He was homophobic, plus we had a rocky relationship. I was very conflicted about him. I wanted his love.” – Gay man, age 86

“He’s not as open minded as my mother, so [I’m] waiting.” – Bisexual man, age 26

LGBT/44new,45new

It Was Hard, but It Was Worth It

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Among those respondents who say they have told their mother, 59% say it was difficult to tell her; 40% say it was not difficult. Gay men and lesbians are more likely than bisexuals to say telling their mother about their sexual orientation was a difficult thing (64% of gay men and 65% of lesbians say it was difficult, vs. 48% of bisexuals).

Four-in-ten LGBT adults (39%) who say they have told their mother about their sexual orientation say, since telling her, that their relationship has grown stronger. An additional 46% say their relationship with their mother has not changed, and 14% say their relationship has grown weaker. Lesbians are twice as likely as gay men to say telling their mother about their sexual orientation hurt their relationship (23% of lesbians say the relationship grew weaker, compared with 12% of gay men).

For those who have told their father that they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, the pattern is much the same. About two-thirds (65%) say it was difficult to tell their father about their sexual orientation or gender identity, while 34% say it was not difficult. Gay men are about as likely as lesbians to say it was hard to share this information with their father (74% of gay men vs. 63% of lesbians).

SDT-2013-06-LGBT-3-09

Brothers and Sisters

Among lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender adults who have a sibling, roughly six-in-ten say they have told their siblings about their sexual orientation or gender identity. Two-thirds (65%) have told a sister, and 59% have told a brother.

Gay men and lesbians are more likely than bisexuals to have shared this information with a sister or brother. Among gay men and lesbians who have at least one sister, large majorities say they have told a sister about their sexual orientation (75% of gay men and 80% of lesbians). By contrast, only 50% of bisexuals say they have told a sister that they are bisexual. Similarly, roughly three-quarters of gay men (74%) and lesbians (76%) with at least one brother say they have told a brother about their sexual orientation, compared with 42% of bisexuals.

Voices: Tell Us More About Your Coming Out Experience

“It is always nerve-wracking when I come out to someone, but I have had a positive reaction from everyone I have told, except for my dad. My mom and I were already very close, so it didn’t affect our relationship. Nearly everyone in my life knows, and if someone new comes into my life, I tell him or her. If this person cannot accept that I am gay, then he or she does not need to be a part of my life.” –Lesbian, age 25, first told someone at age 13

“There were two friends from my high school days who I lost after coming out to them. That was painful. They had always said they believed in everyone being their own person and living their own life, so this was a surprise when they trotted out the “see a shrink” line and wouldn’t talk to me anymore. Plus, we’d just been through the ’60s and the Summer of Love and all that – I expected more open minds. Everyone else has been great, and for 40+ years I have never hesitated about or regretted being out.” –Lesbian, age 58, first told someone at age 17

“Coming from a strong evangelical Christian upbringing, and still applying that to my life, it’s been difficult. A lot of people (some or most of my family included) don’t approve or want to have anything to do with it, and choose to ignore my partner.” –Lesbian, age 28, first told someone at age 16

“I wish I would have told people sooner. I came of age when AIDS first emerged and homophobia was acceptable. I wasted too many years being afraid of my sexuality and making choices that allowed me to hide in the background of life. I was sort of a professional wallflower.” –Gay man, age 43, first told someone at age 22

“The most difficult part was acknowledging this in myself. Telling my best friend wasn’t too hard. I was nervous, even though he told me afterwards that he had known for a while. None of my other friends or family members know and I don’t plan on telling them unless absolutely necessary. I’m comfortable with myself, but am afraid of the reactions that I will receive should I divulge this information to those with whom I am closest.” –Bisexual woman, age 20, first told someone at age 20

“In the beginning, it was difficult, but always ended up positive. Nowadays, there really is no decision. I simply have a sexual orientation the same as anyone else, and talk about my partner, etc., the same way anyone mentions their opposite-sex spouse, and there’s no “event” associated with it.” –Gay man, age 57, first told someone at age 21

“The hardest thing is just… there’s really no good way to bring it up. You almost hope people will ask, because it’s just sort of a burden, carrying around a secret. For my parents, I was mostly worried that they wouldn’t take it seriously and treat it as a phase. For my friends, I was scared they would think I was hitting on them. I come from a pretty Catholic, Midwestern town, so it was rough.” -Bisexual woman, age 20, first told someone at age 14

“It was extremely difficult to come out to my family. I didn’t do so until I was in my 30’s. Thankfully, my family said they loved me no matter what. Many of my friends weren’t as fortunate to have such a positive response. It’s still not something my family really discusses but I am happy that I was finally able to share my orientation with them.” -Bisexual woman, age 41, first told someone at age 17

“It’s always on a case by case basis. Those who love me and truly care for me have, of course, been the most understanding. My brother has actually taken the news the best; much better than I even expected. He’s met the current guy I’m dating and they hit it off well.” -Bisexual man, age 31, first told someone at age 18

“My first ‘coming out’ was in a Facebook post. My friends have been cool; they generally use the right pronouns once that was explained and they all call me my chosen name now which is just wonderful. Now on the internet and in association with peers and fan culture, I am out. The people I am not out to generally include adults, such as coworkers or friends parents, and my own family – I don’t feel that, as the average person (and not in a more accepting youthful age), they would really ‘believe’ in nonbinary genders or understand me saying that I am one.” –Transgender person, age 19

Cities, Towns, Neighborhoods

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Gay men and lesbians are more likely than bisexuals to say there is a lot of social acceptance of the LGBT population in their city or town. Four-in-ten gay men (39%) and 31% of lesbians, compared with 20% of bisexuals, say there’s a lot of acceptance where they live.

SDT-2013-06-LGBT-3-11

Regardless of how they feel about the level of social acceptance in their city or town, most LGBT adults say this is not a reason why they live in that particular place. Only 12% say the level of social acceptance in their city or town is a major reason for living there. One-in-five say this is a minor reason. Fully two-thirds (67%) say this is not a reason at all.

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Overall, gay men and lesbians are more likely than bisexuals to say the level of social acceptance in the city or town where they live is an important reason why they live there. Some 23% of gay men say this is a major reason, and 13% of lesbians say the same. Only 3% of bisexuals say the level of social acceptance of LGBT adults is a major reason for living in their city or town.

Among gay men and lesbians, there is a significant age gap on this measure. Gay men and lesbians under age 45 are much more likely than those ages 45 and older to say the level of social acceptance in their city or town is a reason why they live there. Among those ages 18 to 44, about half (48%) say the level of social acceptance is at least a minor reason why they live in their city or town. This compares with only 33% of gay men and lesbians who are 45 and older. Among the older age group, 67% say this is not a reason why they live in their community.

Gay men and lesbians with a college degree are more likely than those who have not completed college to say the level of social acceptance in their city or town is one reason for living there (49% of college graduates say this is a major or minor reason, compared with 35% of non-college graduates).

LGBT Neighborhoods

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Gay men are more likely than lesbians to have lived in an LGBT neighborhood at some point in their life. Three-in-ten gay men (32%), compared with 18% of lesbians, either live in this type of neighborhood now or did in the past. Among bisexuals, 26% live or have lived in an LGBT neighborhood. Bisexual women (29%) are much more likely than bisexual men (17%) to have done this.

Among gay men and lesbians, the more important they say their sexual orientation is to their overall identity, the more likely they are to have lived in an LGBT neighborhood. Fully one-third (35%) of those who say being gay or lesbian is extremely or very important to their overall identity either live in an LGBT neighborhood now or have lived in one in the past. This compares with only 21% of those who say their sexual orientation is less important to their overall identity. Some 78% of this group have never lived in an LGBT neighborhood.

Among all LGBT adults, non-whites are more likely than whites to have lived in an LGBT neighborhood (31% of non-whites vs. vs. 23% of whites say they have ever lived in this type of neighborhood). There is no significant difference by age in the share of LGBT adults who either live in an LGBT neighborhood or have done so in the past, but LGBT adults ages 45 and older are more likely than younger LGBT adults to say they did this in the past, but are not currently living in this type of neighborhood. There are no differences by relationship status either. LGBT adults who are married or living with a partner are just as likely as those who are not in a relationship to say they have lived in an LGBT neighborhood.

Friends and Co-Workers

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There are significant differences across LGB groups. Gay men are more likely than lesbians or bisexuals to have a lot of LGBT friends. Some 22% of gay men say all or most of their close friends are LGBT, compared with 12% of lesbians and 5% of bisexuals. Among bisexuals, fully half say only a few (41%) or none (12%) of their friends are LGBT. Bisexual men are much more likely than bisexual women (67% vs. 47%) to say only a few or none of their close friends are LGBT.

Not surprisingly, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender adults who have lived in an LGBT neighborhood are more likely than those who have not to have a lot of LGBT friends. Among those who live in an LGBT neighborhood now or have in the past, 21% say all or most of their friends are LGBT. Among those who haven’t lived in this type of neighborhood, only 10% say the same.

Finding Acceptance at Work

Gay men find their workplaces somewhat more accepting than do bisexuals. Among employed gay men, 60% say their workplace is very accepting of gay men. Half of working lesbians say that their workplace is very accepting of lesbian employees, and 44% of bisexuals say their workplace is very accepting of bisexual employees.

Although they seem to find at least some acceptance at work, only one-third of employed LGBT adults say all or most of the people they work closely with at their job are aware of their sexual orientation or gender identity. An additional 18% say some of the people they work closely with know they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. Some 22% say only a few of their co-workers know this, and 26% say no one at work knows.

There are big gaps here across LGB subgroups. About half of gay men (48%) and lesbians (50%) who work say all or most of the people they work with closely at their job know that they are gay or lesbian. Among bisexuals, only 11% say most of their closest co-workers know they are bisexual. Fully seven-in-ten bisexuals who work say only a few or none of the people they work closely with at their job know they are bisexual.

Going Online

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Some 54% of LGBT social networking site users say they have referred to being LGBT or revealed their sexual orientation or gender identity on a social networking site. Gay men (69%) and lesbians (62%) are more likely to say they have done this than bisexuals (40%). Younger LGBT social networking site users are also more likely to be open about their sexual or gender identities online than older users. Some 58% of those ages 18 to 44 say they have revealed their identity on a social networking site compared with 46% of those ages 45 and older.

Overall, about half (55%) of LGBT adults say they have made new LGBT friends online or through a social networking site. Gay men are more likely to say they have met new LGBT friends online (69%) than either lesbians (47%) or bisexuals (49%).

Though social networking sites are popular among LGBT internet users and many have made LGBT friends online, using the internet to discuss LGBT issues is less common. According to the Pew Research survey, only 16% of LGBT adults say they regularly discuss LGBT issues online or on a social networking site. Gay men (20%) are more likely to do this compared with bisexual men (7%). Some 16% of bisexual women and 14% of lesbians also say they regularly discuss LGBT issues online.

SDT-2013-06-LGBT-3-16

There is no significant difference across LGBT groups in the share saying they are very happy. Roughly one-in-five gay men (18%), lesbians (20%) and bisexuals (16%) are very happy.

Among all LGBT adults, there is some variation in happiness across age groups. Nearly equal shares of young, middle-aged and older LGBT adults say they are very happy. However, those under age 50 are much more likely than those ages 65 and older to say they are not too happy (19% vs. 6%).

There are bigger gaps by income. LGBT adults with annual family incomes of $75,000 or higher are about twice as likely as those with lower incomes to say they are very happy (32% vs. 15%). LGBT adults at the lowest end of the income scale (with annual incomes of less than $30,000) are about twice as likely as those in the middle- and highest-income brackets to say they are not too happy (23% vs. 12% for middle and high-income LGBT adults).

There is a similar income gap in happiness among the general public. Among all adults, about one-in-four (25%) of those with annual household incomes of less than $30,000 say they are not too happy with their lives overall. This compares with 13% of those making between $30,000 and $74,999 and only 6% of those making $75,000 or more. LGBT adults are more likely than all adults to fall into the lowest income category (with annual family incomes of less than $30,000). This is due in part to the fact that fewer of them are married and living in dual income households (see Chapter 1 for more details).

SDT-2013-06-LGBT-3-17

Perceptions of how much social acceptance there is of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people these days is also related to personal happiness. A large majority of LGBT adults (77%) say that there is at least some social acceptance of the LGBT population today. Those who say there is a lot of acceptance are happier than those who say there is little or no acceptance. Among those who see a lot of social acceptance, 26% are very happy. This compares with 13% of those who see little or no acceptance. Among those who say there is some acceptance, 17% are very happy.

Trust in Others

SDT-2013-06-LGBT-3-18

Bisexuals are somewhat less likely than lesbians and gay men to say that most people can be trusted. There are big differences in trust between bisexual men (45% say most people can be trusted) and women (29%).

Both in the general public and among LGBT adults, younger people are less likely than others to say that most people can be trusted.

  • Transgender respondents were asked, “How old were you when you first felt your gender was different from your birth sex?” The sample size, however, is too small to report this separately. ↩
  • All LGBT adults were asked, “How old were you when you first knew for sure that you were (L/G/B/T), or are you still not sure?” As a result, transgender respondents are included in the LGBT total, but still cannot be shown separately. ↩
  • This analysis is limited to gay men and lesbians, because of the high share of bisexual respondents who have not told a close friend or family member about their sexual orientation. ↩
  • Gay men and lesbians are combined here because of the small number of lesbian respondents who said they have not told their mother about their sexual orientation (n=64). ↩
  • Respondents were asked specifically about their own sexual orientation or gender identity. i.e., gay men were asked how accepting their workplace is of gay employees. ↩
  • General public results are from a national survey of 1,081 adults conducted May 10-13, 2013. Interviews were conducted online through the random sample panel of households maintained by GfK Knowledge Networks. ↩
  • This includes those who are in a civil union. ↩

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Issie Lapowsky

Why Tim Cook's 'Proud to Be Gay' Essay Means So Much to the Workplace

Apple Computer employees and family members march during the 44th annual San Francisco Gay Pride parade Sunday June 29...

Apple CEO Tim Cook became the first openly gay CEO on the Fortune 500 list on Thursday, after publicly acknowledging his sexuality with a personal essay published to the web. The move was widely heralded as the start of a new chapter for lesbian, gay, and bisexual people in the workplace---and for good reason. At businesses across the country, so many gay business leaders and employees feel the need to hide their sexuality in order to be successful at work, and Cook---one of the most recognizable figures in the business world---can help pave the way to a world where they can be more open.

The problem is more acute than you might think. With a recent study , Deloitte University's Leadership Center for Inclusion examined a phenomenon that sociologists refer to as "covering," where people will attempt to mask part of their identity in the workplace, and it revealed just how pervasive---and potentially damaging---the practice is among members of the LGB community.

The study surveyed more than 3,000 employees at businesses across the country to determine what percentage of them admit to covering at work, and why they feel the need to do it. The study included people of a variety of races, genders, and sexual orientations, and found that while 61 percent of all respondents said they had covered, a whopping 83 percent of gay respondents said they had. That’s more than black respondents, female respondents, and any other minority group surveyed (the transgender sample size was too small to be included).

Apple CEO Tim Cook

Apple CEO Tim Cook

That came as no surprise to Dr. Christie Smith, managing principal of the center. In 29 states, it's still legal to be fired for your sexual orientation. "Of course that would produce more covering," she tells WIRED. "No other cohort faces that same threat to their livelihood." But what's more troubling than the fact the vast majority of gay subjects reported covering is the fact that more than half of them also said that doing so was detrimental to their sense of self.

It's not hard to see why. Covering can take many different forms, some of which can have a significant impact on an individual’s personal relationships outside of work. There’s appearance-based covering, in which a person might dress differently or change his looks to downplay a certain part of his identity. There’s affiliation-based covering, where someone purposely avoids behavior that might verge on being a stereotype. And there’s advocacy-based covering, in which people choose not to “stick up for” a group, even though they belong to that group.

But, according to the study, the most detrimental type of covering is association-based, in which, say, a gay employee might refrain from bringing his same-sex partner to a company party. This type of covering, you see, influences life both in and out of the workplace.

The survey also asked questions about why people cover, and who or what is pressuring them to do so. Among respondents in the LBG community, 57 percent said that pressure comes from leadership. In some cases, Smith says, that pressure is overt. "Some people gave us examples where their leader would make derogatory jokes about gays or they might say, 'That’s so gay,'" Smith explains.

>'We're fearful of asking people who are different from us about themselves and what their experiences have been.'

The study yielded some other surprising findings -- like the fact that millennial LBG employees reported higher incidences of covering than their older peers -- as well as some not so surprising findings, including the fact that managers tend to cover more than their junior staffers.

And yet, despite these dismal results, some 93 percent of respondents said that their employers list "inclusion" as a core value. That's a good indication, Smith says, that the current approach to inclusion isn't quite working. She says that at most organizations, inclusion means setting up a safe space for employees from the same group to connect. Google, for instance, has its Women@Google group and it's Gaygler club. Smith calls this type of inclusion "bonding capital," because it forms bonds between people with a common life experience.

But what more businesses need today, she says, is "bridging capital," or vehicles that allow people from different groups to openly and honestly discuss their differences. "We live in a society and in a corporate world that's almost gone too far on the spectrum of equal opportunity employment rules. We’re fearful of asking people who are different from us about themselves and what their experiences have been," she says. "Bridging capital is about building a competency within your organization to have those conversations across differences."

The good news is 17 percent of respondents to the study say that they have "uncovered," and that doing so has actually enabled them to be more successful at work. As one subject put it: "If you can't be your 'whole self' at work, you're not at your best. A company that allows people to be themselves and judges them only on the quality of work they do will be far ahead in the long run."

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Karen L. Blair Ph.D.

  • Relationships

Two Decades of LGBTQ Relationships Research

To what extent is relationship science reflective of lgbtq+ experiences.

Posted September 29, 2022 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

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  • While same-sex marriage has been legal in some jurisdictions for two decades, relationships research continues to focus on mixed-sex couples.
  • A review of 2,181 relationship science articles published since 2001 found that 85.8% excluded LGBTQ+ relationships.
  • Without LGBTQ+ relationships research, it is hard to provide empirically-supported advice to same-sex and gender-diverse relationships.

In 2014, I attended the annual meeting of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology—one of the largest annual social psychology conferences. The conference covers a wide range of topics and one of the sub-areas is Close Relationships, which hosts a wonderful pre-conference each year leading up to the larger event. As I found myself strolling through the poster presentations for this section of the conference, I began to notice that most of them were reporting the results of research conducted with mixed-sex and presumably heterosexual couples. The pattern became so apparent that I decided to review each poster a bit more systematically and to ask the presenters some standard questions about the demographics of their samples. I was able to visit 58 of the 71 posters listed on the program for the Close Relationships section—there were quite a few posters missing due to a horrendous winter storm that made the annual trip to SPSP impossible for many. Of the posters reviewed, only 15.5% included LGBTQ participants and only one study specifically focused on LGBTQ relationships. Following the conference, I wrote an article for the Relationships Research Newsletter published by the International Association for Relationships Research discussing the "state of LGBTQ-inclusive research methods" in the field of relationship science.

The following year, a somewhat more systematic approach to evaluating the inclusion of sexual minority couples in research was undertaken by Judith Andersen and Christopher Zou, who published their findings in the Health Science Journal . Their analysis focused on the inclusion of sexual minority couples in research relevant to relationships and health and they focused on publications indexed by Medline and PsychINFO between 2002-2012. Their results indicated that a striking 88.7% of the studies reviewed had excluded sexual minority couples from participating—meaning that even fewer of the papers in their sample were inclusive than my snapshot of the posters presented during the 2014 Close Relationships Poster Session.

Source: Wallace Araujo/Pexels

Fast forward nearly another decade and the International Association for Relationship Research decided to launch two special issues of their flagship journals, Personal Relationships and the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , dedicated to reviewing the last two decades of relationship science. Along with two other leading researchers in the area of LGBTQ+ relationships, I was invited to write a review focused on LGBTQ+ relationship science. The burning question in my mind was whether or not we would see a stark increase in inclusion as time progressed. After all, the two decades spanning 2002-2022 represent a time of significant advancements for LGBTQ+ civil rights, particularly those related to the legal recognition of same-sex relationships.

What Is the State of LGBTQ Inclusion in Relationships Research Today?

To answer this question, we gathered every single article published in Personal Relationships (PR) and the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (JSPR) starting in 2002 until April 2021. This resulted in 2,181 articles; 1,392 articles from JPSR and 789 from PR. We used a variety of coding techniques, including automatic keyword coding and manual screening of articles, to identify which articles contained any information relevant to LGBTQ+ identities and relationships. Roughly 85.8% of these articles were excluded from further analysis as they did not contain any words relevant to sexual or gender minority identities or relationships. The remaining 329 articles were manually coded to identify how they handled issues related to sexual and gender identity . Some articles mentioned LGBTQ+ issues in their limitations section (n = 58), for example to state that future research should consider testing similar questions with a more inclusive and diverse sample. Another 42 articles explicitly stated that they excluded LGBTQ+ participants from their recruitment or analysis process, and while this may seem harsh, it still reflects a methodological improvement over the 1,852 articles that did not even provide adequate information to understand how the exclusion process took place. Some studies did include LGBTQ+ participants in their recruitment process and analyses, but often the sample sizes were small, meaning that no further efforts were taken to understand whether LGBTQ+ participants had unique experiences.

Ultimately, of the 2,181 articles published in these two journals between 2002 and April 2021, 92 articles, or 4.2%, presented LGBTQ-relevant information that we considered capable of providing empirical evidence concerning the lives and experiences of sexual and gender minorities within the context of close relationships. Thus, with only 4.2% of the articles being LGBTQ-relevant, our review of two decades of relationship science research did not seem to suggest that great improvement was occurring over time.

Has LGBTQ Inclusion Increased Over Time?

However, when we broke our data down into smaller periods, we did see a slight indication of improvement over time for the general inclusion of LGBTQ+ participants in relationship science published in these two journals. For example, research published in Personal Relationships climbed from roughly 2% of articles being LGBTQ-relevant between 2002 and 2006 to a peak of just over 4% in 2012-2015, a rate that either slightly decreased or remained constant for the final five-year period, 2016-2021. The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships had a somewhat higher inclusion rate over time, with roughly 3.5% of articles in 2002-2006 being LGBTQ-relevant, peaking at nearly 6% between 2007-2011, and then settling back between 4% and 5% for the periods ranging from 2012-2015 and 2016-2021. Despite these slight differences, overall, there was no significant difference between the proportion of articles considered LGBTQ-relevant in each of the two journals reviewed.

Additional Patterns of Inclusion and Exclusion

Most of the research in the review that was deemed "LGBTQ-relevant" tended to explore the LGBTQ+ community as a whole, rather than presenting studies that specifically explored the experiences of one identity group or another (e.g., lesbian women vs. gay men). Only one of the 92 articles exclusively focused on the experiences of bisexual individuals and 54.3% of the LGBTQ-relevant articles did not include bisexuals in their sample at all. The overall body of research also had an androcentric slant, such that 17.4% of the articles focused exclusively on sexual minority men while only 9.8% focused exclusively on sexual minority women.

Source: Antonio Rangel/Pexels

Finally, although our interest was in exploring relationship science that was considered relevant to LGBTQ+ populations, a better descriptor would be LGBQ, as very few of the studies included transgender , non-binary, or gender-diverse relationship experiences. In total, 15 articles included transgender participants while only four included non-binary participants.

LGBTQ+ Specific Journals

Of course, this review focused on two of the leading relationship science journals and thus did not cover research published in other journals. Anecdotally, many researchers working in LGBTQ psychology and related areas note that when they try to publish in mainstream journals, reviewers often recommend that they send their LGBTQ-relevant research to more specialized, niche journals. Thus, there is likely more research on LGBTQ+ relationship experiences in journals such as Psychology & Sexuality , LGBT Health, Journal of Lesbian Studies, Journal of Homosexuality, and the APA Journal of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity. However, none of these journals specifically focus on relationship science and may not be widely read by other scholars studying relationships specifically. While one of the benefits of LGBTQ-inclusive research is that it helps us to better understand the experiences within this specific population, such research also benefits the wider population, as often LGBTQ-inclusive research suggests new and novel questions that help to shed light on relationship experiences that are relevant to all individuals, regardless of sexual or gender identity.

gay experience essay

Despite the indication that there is still a long way to go in terms of encouraging broad inclusion of LGBTQ+ experiences in mainstream relationship research, there were still many positive signs. The overall trajectory of inclusion appears to be increasing over time, conferences are beginning to include specific programming on how to increase the inclusivity of relationship research, and the editors of the special issues celebrating the past two decades of relationship science saw fit to include a review that was specific to LGBTQ+ relationship experiences. The review concluded by noting that we, the authors, were "looking forward to the next 20 years" of LGBTQ-inclusive relationship research, with a specific "focus on deciphering the minutiae of all the colourful intersection of identity that make up the true richness of human relationships."

Pollitt, A. M., Blair, K. L., & Lannutti, P. J. (2022). A review of two decades of LGBTQ‐inclusive research in JSPR and PR . Personal Relationships . https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12432

Andersen, J. P., & Zou, C. (2015). Exclusion of sexual minority couples from research. Health Science Journal, 9(6), 1.

Blair, K. L., McKenna, O., & Holmberg, D. (2022). On guard: Public versus private affection-sharing experiences in same-sex, gender-diverse, and mixed-sex relationships . Journal of Social and Personal Relationships , 02654075221090678.

Karen L. Blair Ph.D.

Karen Blair, Ph.D. , is an assistant professor of psychology at Trent University. She researches the social determinants of health throughout the lifespan within the context of relationships.

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LGBTQ+ My Personal Experience Essay

At a young age, one is always pushed to see life in a certain light. The same goes for you and me. For myself, it was that things have to be this way and nothing else, because if not then it’s evil or wrong. It possibly could be a result of my family's hard core Christian beliefs or Nigerian heritage that led me to think like this. To listen to what my parents and other elders tell me and never question it was accustomed to. To ignore and never bring up my discoveries and thoughts. In other words, when it came to me finding out more about the world outside of my home, it was like stepping into a sea of unknowns. Growing up, my parents were never kind to those who identified as a part of the LGBTQ+ community and neither was I at the time. It was unheard of in the Nigerian community. However, my beliefs changed when I started doing some personal digging into who I am and how I now identify. 

The first time I remember ever talking about the LGBTQ+ community in my house was in 6th grade. Keep in mind at this time, I knew a little bit about it because of the hours I spent watching gay couples living life on Youtube. It mesmerized me in a way that they could be themselves freely. I recall there being a woman who had recently denied a gay couple a marriage license in Kentucky. This was right after same-sex marriage was legalized which meant she would be jailed for breaking the law. I remember my mother being upset, not because the couple couldn’t get married, but because the woman had lost her job and was thrown in prison. She was going on a whole rampage that afternoon about it. She said that gay marriage is an abomination and the woman, Kim Davis, was doing the right thing. In the majorly Nigerian church I went to, they said homosexuality was a sickness and the people who were are confused. In that moment was when my internalized homophobia began. Of course, I didn’t know any better, even with all the queer content I viewed at 10 years old. My mother thought it was wrong so it had to be, right? At that age I would look up big named celebrities who also agreed with my mother and the rest of my family, just to validate the homophobia. In 7th grade, I would ask my classmates what they thought about it. Some would tell me that they didn’t agree with it and I felt normal. I asked another and her answer caught me by surprise. “I do, why don’t you?” I never had a reason as to why I was so hateful besides what I was told. Was it because of my faith that made me think this way? If it was, why would that be the only thing that I would choose to listen to? I know there’s a lot of verses in the Bible that say a lot of things are abominations, but I do them anyway. Then why was this so different? After she said that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every day I did some thinking as to why I couldn’t accept the fact that being LGBTQ+ isn’t a sickness and why I couldn't accept that I was also a part of that community.

Eighth grade was when I started changing my views and it happened rather quickly. A close friend of mine had just come out to me and I was rather accepting of it. It didn’t feel odd or awkward after and we both just went about our own lives. I personally still was stuck in the closet and was nowhere near coming out. I would show up to school and act like everything was okay but I was dying inside. Everyone knew me as I was and I wasn't going to change that anytime soon, although I could tell people were getting suspicious. You see, everyone around me was seemingly getting into relationships with ease. I, however, couldn’t do so as I wasn’t attracted to any girls in my grade. For this reason, I had girls constantly asking if I was gay and I would deny it instantly. I knew I had to do something and something fast. Luckily for me, there was this one girl who was more courageous than I who had asked me out. I knew that to keep up the “I’m straight” facade, I would have to accept. For two months I had acted as this girl's boyfriend to fight off any suspicions from others and the confusion within myself. For two months I led this girl on so that I wouldn’t feel as guilty for being who I am. Now looking back, I regret doing such a thing. The energy that I put into a relationship that meant nothing to me was unfair. We eventually broke things off, but not because I came out. For another year and a half, I held in my secret. Holding in this part of me led me to not be vulnerable with anyone and it had a big effect on my mental health. One summer night back before I started my freshman year I just broke down in tears. I was confused. I could barely get a word out to explain this sudden sadness I was feeling. My eyes filled with tears, so much that I couldn’t get them out. My heart was beating out of my chest, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. When my parents asked me what was wrong I told them I was sad and lonely. Just that and nothing else. Internally I knew it was from the internalization I was feeling, where I wasn't even brave enough to tell my family or friends that I’m not straight. The sadness continued for some months that turned into a year. 

One  January night in 2020, I had just finished watching some Tik Tok. I had seen a boy my age who was flaunting his sexuality and I envied him. He was brave enough to be himself, even when he had people coming for him on his socials. Why couldn’t I do the same? It’s a new year and things weren’t the way they were 5 years prior. That same night I knew it was my time to tell someone because if I didn’t I don’t know what I would do. I texted my best friend “I like boys…”. Immediately I put my phone away because I didn’t want to see her response. I knew she would accept me because she’s just that kind of person. Although I had to be wise, in the case that she doesn’t I can mentally prepare myself. That entire night I couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning and my head was full. “What if she hates me?” I thought to myself. I felt like I needed to throw up and cry at the same time. A little part of me though was happy. A weight was finally lifted from my shoulders. I had finally told someone who was special to me and I prayed I was special enough to them that they wouldn’t be upset. At 6 A.M., I checked to see if she had responded, which she did. She wrote in her text that she was confused. My heart had dropped. What could she be confused about? I thought it was clear. She then explained to me that because I was once internally and externally homophobic, that I wouldn’t identify as LGBTQ+. I didn’t even blame her too because at one point I was. I couldn’t think for myself, so I used what I was taught at home and my church and spread my hate to the world. That entire morning we had reached an understanding of who I am and I felt safer and more comfortable talking about myself. 

Several months later after telling my best friend I decided it was time to tell some other people. I had two other friends who I knew would accept me. I had been giving slight hints as well before coming out to them. One afternoon I was in my bedroom texting them when I just immediately dropped it. Out of nowhere, I had just come out to these people. I just went back to what I was doing to distract myself from what I had just done. I couldn’t hold the wondering for any longer though. Not even a minute passed and I checked my phone and when I did I was filled with relief. They accepted me and not only that, but they already had known. At this point, I no longer felt obligated to tell people about myself unless I feel it’s necessary. The people that I most care about can accept me and that was all I cared about. 

While I’m still on the journey of self-discovery, I can proudly admit that I’ve made it farther than I thought I would be able to 5 years ago. I can openly speak my mind and talk about my emotions without feeling like I'm hiding a piece of myself. Unfortunately, I don’t feel this way around my parents or other Nigerian adults. I know that if I were to come out today to them, there is a chance I would be disowned. Until I can raise myself to be an adult, this part of me will be kept away from them. I’ve made it this far though so that in itself is something I am proud of.  

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5 Tips for Writing a Perfect LGBTQ Essay

This is a paid, sponsored post. 

Writing an essay about LGBTQ topics requires sensitivity, respect, and understanding of the community’s nuances. Whether you’re part of the LGBTQ community or an ally, crafting an essay reflecting these experiences’ complexities and vibrancy is essential. Here are five tips for writing a thoughtful and impactful LGBTQ essay.

Understand the Spectrum of Identities

The LGBTQ community is diverse, encompassing various identities, orientations, and experiences. Educating yourself on these variations is a crucial first step in writing your essay. Understand the difference between sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression, and recognize that each person’s experience is unique. This foundational knowledge will help you write with accuracy and empathy, avoiding generalizations that can inadvertently erase or oversimplify individual experiences. When discussing the community, use inclusive language that acknowledges this diversity, such as LGBTQ instead of just LGBT, to be as encompassing as possible. If you need help writing a perfect LGBTQ essay and wonder, “Who can write me a research paper ?”, search for good writing services online. A skilled provider will know how to handle this delicate topic with conviction and understanding.

Highlight Personal Narratives

Personal narratives and testimonies are powerful tools in LGBTQ essays. They add depth and authenticity, moving beyond abstract discussions to showcase the real-world impact of societal attitudes, policies, and norms on individuals within the community. If you share someone else’s story, ensure you have permission and present their experiences respectfully and accurately. If you’re part of the LGBTQ community and comfortable sharing your experiences, doing so can add a compelling, personal dimension to your essay. These narratives can serve as a bridge, fostering understanding and empathy among readers who may not share these experiences.

Address Challenges and Triumphs

An effective LGBTQ essay balances discussions of both challenges and triumphs. It’s important to acknowledge the struggles faced by the community, including discrimination , legal hurdles, and social stigma. However, equally important is highlighting the resilience, activism, and achievements of LGBTQ individuals and allies. This approach provides a more comprehensive view of the community, recognizing its struggles without defining it solely by them. When discussing challenges, consider current events and historical context, and when highlighting triumphs, include both large-scale achievements and personal victories.

Use Credible Sources

Credibility is key in any academic or formal essay, and writing about LGBTQ topics is no exception. Ensure your essay is supported by credible sources, such as academic journals, reputable news outlets, and publications from established LGBTQ organizations. These sources can provide valuable insights, statistics, and historical context that enrich your essay. Additionally, citing credible sources strengthens your arguments and demonstrates your commitment to accurately representing the community and its experiences.

Promote Awareness and Advocacy

Finally, a perfect LGBTQ essay should aim to educate and advocate. Use your essay as a platform to raise awareness about important issues facing the LGBTQ community, such as health disparities, legal discrimination, or underrepresentation in media and politics. Encourage readers to engage with the community meaningfully through advocacy, education or simply by challenging their preconceptions. Your conclusion is a powerful place to inspire action, offering readers concrete steps they can take to support the LGBTQ community and promote equality.

In Conclusion

In writing an LGBTQ essay, the goal is to craft an informed, respectful, and impactful piece. By understanding the spectrum of identities, highlighting personal narratives, addressing challenges and triumphs, using credible sources, and promoting awareness and advocacy, you can contribute to the ongoing conversation about LGBTQ rights and experiences. Such essays not only enlighten readers but also foster a deeper understanding and respect for the diversity and resilience of the LGBTQ community.

Richard Gambrell is a passionate article writer and LGBTQ rights activist whose work is dedicated to amplifying the voices within the LGBTQ community and advocating for equal rights. With a sharp pen and an unwavering commitment to justice, he crafts compelling narratives that challenge societal norms and inspire change. Richard’s articles not only inform but also encourage readers to embrace diversity and take action towards creating a more inclusive world.

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Roxane Gay on How to Write About Trauma

By Monica Lewinsky

Image may contain Roxane Gay Sitting Human Person Clothing Apparel Pants Sleeve and Long Sleeve

“We are walking wounds, but I am not sure any of us know quite how to talk about it,” writes Roxane Gay in her new essay, “Writing Into the Wound,” published on Scribd. The piece, inspired by an undergraduate workshop Gay taught at Yale on writing trauma, describes Gay’s experience attempting to write about being gang-raped at age 12, first in fictional stories written as a teenager, “melodramatic and overwrought and dark and graphic,” and then, as an adult, in work like her essay collection Bad Feminist. “I wrote around it,” she writes of that book’s description of the assault. “In part, I was protecting myself. I could admit this thing had happened to me, but I was not ready to share the details.” Finally, in Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body, Gay wrote “directly and openly about my sexual assault, how it changed me, how that assault has haunted me for more than thirty years.”

In her new essay, she describes the book’s reception—overwhelmingly positive responses from readers, while interviews with some members of the media ranged from misinformed to callous—and how the experience of writing the book led to further questions of how to depict trauma in writing. The piece is well hewn but expansive, exploring the ways in which we reveal ourselves through writing—by choice, as in the detailing of an assault, or more obliquely, as in how a journalist describes a piece of writing about an assault, and the writer who experienced it.

Roxane and I have known each other for a few years and, of course, my awareness of and admiration for her writing predated that. I’m sure few would wonder why I was interested in talking to her about this particular essay—which we did via a Zoom call from our respective Los Angeles homes—about the nuance and intricacy involved in writing about one’s trauma for public consumption.

Monica Lewinsky: Did teaching the course on trauma writing change your thoughts about how we write about trauma?

Roxane Gay: I don’t know that it changed my thoughts, but it certainly expanded them and helped me develop a stronger understanding. I thought of the class after asking myself, how do we write about trauma? And how do we write about it well? I had edited an anthology called Not That Bad, a compilation of women writing about their experiences with rape culture. Most of the submissions were just straight testimony. They weren’t essays. And I was in the unfortunate position of having to reject these truly painful stories that clearly took quite a lot for the writers to submit. It got me thinking, how do we teach people how to take a trauma—whether it’s theirs or someone else’s; a cultural trauma, collective trauma, so on—and write about it in ways that can be more than just catharsis? Over the course of the semester my students were really astonishing in the different ways that they approached the topic and tried to answer the question I posed to them at the beginning of the semester which is, “How do we write trauma, and how do we do it well?” It really helped me to further refine my thinking.

Does “writing trauma well” fall under the category of what we would normally say is “good” writing? Or does writing trauma well mean that it’s effective in a different way?

That’s a good question, and I think a lot of the time what we mean by writing well is very subjective and there can be a lot of different criteria. For some people, writing about trauma well means that it helps them work through something. But is that going to be writing trauma well for an audience? And which audience? You really do have to think through these questions as you’re writing trauma and decide, what is your end goal? And what are you going to consider a success?

I’ve written about my trauma and what ends up feeling meaningful to me is when someone connects with it in a way that helps them. You had an outpouring of that after Hunger. Did that mitigate some of the experiences you were having with the press? What was that like?

It was surprising, because I did not expect the book to resonate with as many people as it did, and with as many people who were not fat. I just thought, Great, I’m going to reach my fat brethren, yay. But living in a body is hard, no matter what that body looks like, and no matter what that body’s ability is. And so people really had a lot to say, and I really felt I had done it well, because so many people came to me. But also because it created a small measure of change. Now, it’s being taught in many medical schools and it is helping doctors rethink how they interact with their fat patients and how they treat their fat patients and how they understand their fat patients. And that, for me, was when I knew I had done okay. Because, that’s such a real problem, fat phobia in the medical profession. And so many fat people go undiagnosed with issues they have every right to seek treatment for. Being fat is not a crime. And so, if the medical establishment can decriminalize fatness a little bit, I will have considered my life a life well lived.

My best friend from college is a pediatrician, and she read Hunger and told me that it completely changed how she talked to all of her adolescent patients around this issue. My confession is that Hunger was too hard for me to read. I’ve struggled with weight my whole life and was also fat-shamed publicly. It opened up those triggers. But I do wonder, do you like or dislike when people say that it was brave to write something like this?

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I have tried to come to a place of peace about it, because I don’t feel brave. And so it feels like people are giving me a recognition I don’t deserve when they say that. I don’t think it’s particularly brave to write about your reality and to write about the ways you’ve suffered or the ways that you have experienced joy. But, at the same time, I do recognize, given how terrifying I found it to write the book, that it took something to finally hit send and give it to my editor—and I delayed that for a year, because I was so overwhelmed by the prospect of even starting the book. So yeah, in the end it did require some bravery. I try to just be as gracious as possible when people say that because I do recognize it’s a compliment and that people don’t need to know all of my interior angst. But I also sometimes find myself qualifying it like, “Oh, I’m not brave.”

Like just now?

Exactly. Exactly like that.

You wrote in the essay, “How do we write about the traumatic experiences of others without transgressing their boundaries or privacy?"

That’s a question I think that we are always going to have to grapple with, but I always think we have to err on the side of respecting other people and their lives and not putting words or experiences into their mouths that they have not shared. I don’t ever want to suppose that I know anything about someone who’s experienced trauma, if I haven’t asked them about it directly. We see all kinds of speculation. You’re very familiar with this. The media will invent stories, whole cloth.

According to the tabloids, I had an alien child once, you know?

Oh, I did not realize. How are they doing?

Wonderful. I’m getting the tax credit.

Lucky! Yeah. It’s wild to see what writers can do. I think that as long as we recognize that we have to respect other people and their lives, even if we’re writing about them, we are going to get to a place where we’re doing a reasonably good job of writing about the trauma of others. I never want to co-opt someone’s experience, and so when I write about the trauma of others, I just try to be careful. I try to use common sense. I think, Would I want something like this written about me? Because having had people write about me and do so in ways that are inaccurate, or just wrong, or offensive—I know how that feels. I would never want anyone else to feel that way, and so I try to be careful. And I think if everyone was a little more careful and a little more thoughtful about the choices that they make, we could spare people further trauma.

Do you feel comfortable talking publicly about the healing modalities that you’ve used or are using?

Oh yeah, I’m very comfortable. I took a long time to write about my sexual assault because I wasn’t ready, because I didn’t want people to know something so intimate and something so painful. And then I started to think, It’s been so long. Let it go. And so, one of the things that got me to a place where I was able to write about it and open myself up to everything inevitably that would rise out of writing about it was a therapy. And a lot of reading and support groups online, and things like that. And so, I’m actually way more comfortable talking about the healing modalities that I am using than I am talking about the trauma itself. And I’m fine talking about the trauma itself. It’s not that interesting. It happened, it’s over, and yes, I’m still dealing with the repercussions of it, but it’s not that interesting.

What is interesting is, for me, is just how long trauma can linger and how sometimes when you least expect it you have these reminders. And that has been one of the more stunning things about living through trauma. Trauma compounds. It just surprises me where I feel like I’m doing something normal, everything is cool, and then something happens and all of a sudden nothing is okay, everything is terrible and I am falling apart. And then I have to pull myself back together all over again.

We don’t talk a lot about the messiness of recovery, because people like to believe that it is a contained and discrete experience. It happens, it’s over, you heal, you move on. You heal, but sometimes the wound reopens, and it heals again and then reopens and scar tissue develops, and so on. I try to also accommodate that in my writing so that people are clear that I’m not offering you some sort of magical solution. This is not therapy. This is just a memoir. It is an accounting of a life…. So many people with trauma feel like they’re failing because they have a bad day or a bad week or a bad year. And you know what? If you wake up, you’re not failing. If you brush your teeth, you’re not failing. And I think if we just have slightly more realistic goals for ourselves than perfection, we’ll be okay.

During the pandemic, after things just completely went away for about two months, three months, people figured out that virtual events are viable and work started pouring in again. And of course, I was writing about the election, and I had gotten married, and my mom has lung cancer. I have a lot going on. I haven’t had a chance to worry about my own shit because there’s five other things that are horrible that I’m dealing with at the same time. But one of the things that the isolation did do, though, was force me to recognize that I actually have time to work on some things that I have not worked on personally. I’ve kicked up therapy to twice a week now, and that has been very useful. I was very resistant, but someone told me that it’s very useful to go twice a week.

Or a double session.

It takes me a while to warm up and I find that around minute 41 is when I really when I’m like, “and so then he stabbed me.” And then she’s like, “Well, we got to go!” And so I have found that because even though I’m still busy, I’m not traveling, which saves so much time and so much energy that I have been able to direct that energy to productive things. And in addition to the increased anxiety of is humanity coming to an end, so it’s been challenging. What about for you, Monica?

My experience in the beginning of the pandemic was that old trauma made it really challenging. In the first several months of 1998, I couldn’t go outside. So, because of that, unless I’m sick, it’s rare for me to not leave my house at least once a day. Yes, we could go for walks…but. There was a real claustrophobic feeling about quarantine for me—that “have to stay inside” mandate. And then, in terms of compounded trauma, I had just started dating somebody and Linda Tripp died unexpectedly. A lot of old trauma kicked up.

It surprises me, all the crevices in the psyche where trauma can lurk. My therapist is a trauma psychiatrist and she talks about exactly what you were just saying, that there’s such a long echo of trauma. I’ve had the experience of sometimes trying to prepare for something that I think will be traumatic, and then it’s like, surprise! Trauma has its own way of wanting to deal with something.

And its own agenda. I find that whenever I think I’m planning for how I’m going to feel about something, life surprises me. The most surprising thing about Hunger was not the reader reception, it was the way the press dealt with it. I had anticipated it and my best friend and I had actually spent some time trying to imagine what were the worst things that reporters were going to ask me? What were the worst headlines? We ended up being right, and then it was way worse. If I had known I would’ve never, ever published the book. So I’m glad in a way that I did not know…. Culturally, it’s really hard for people to let go of these singular narratives. Again, this is nothing you don’t already know. It just surprised me, I must say. It surprised me.

But you don’t regret publishing Hunger, do you?

I don’t regret it. The book has done more good than not.

There’s a lot of talk in the anti-bullying world around how media is not very well trained at talking about suicide, and the importance of the language we use. Do you think that that was a similar case with the people in the press—that they didn’t know better? Or they were going for clickbait, or it was their unconscious bias?

I think it was all of the above. And not every interviewer had all of the same motivations. Like Mia Freedman [cofounder of Mamamia, an Australian women’s website, who hosted Gay on her podcast; “Freedman wrote a description of the show that was one of the most humiliating things I have ever seen in print about myself,” Gay writes in the essay. “I was stunned. Blindsided.”], she was just about clickbait. She knew what she was doing, and she clearly has issues around fatness as well.

I wrote the book, and the kinds of things that the media were obsessing about, I put in the book. I knew that was going to happen, but I just did not realize the enthusiasm with which it was going to happen. People were very excited to write about my highest weight over and over. For the first few weeks, there was not a piece of press that did not mention it. And I just thought, Well, of course they were going to do that. And you just have to hold your head high. There’s nothing I could do about it.

But it was also disappointing. When someone like Terry Gross, who I held prior to this in really, high esteem, because my friends and family really held her in the highest esteem—for so many writers, that’s the holy grail. And I’ve heard good interviews with her, so I was actually excited to have a substantive conversation. And then when it didn’t happen—oh, it was hugely disappointing. [“She fixated on my highest weight,” Gay writes of her experience in the essay. “She was deeply curious about my eating habits, about how I could spend so many years being so fat.”]

That was my experience too. I left. I left in the middle of the interview.

I did not have the chutzpah to do something like that. But I wanted to. I wanted to just leave because I was so hurt and then mad at myself for being hurt. And then mad at myself for not being prepared, to not expect that this was going to happen with someone like her. Because I just thought she was better than that. And she wasn’t.

I had different traumas, younger years, adolescence, and then obviously the ones everybody knows about. I think there was a tendency as a younger person to turn the blame back on myself. Do you think that’s part of the trauma of what you experienced with Terry?

I think it was a lot of that. Why was I not prepared? Why did I expect any better from people? And why did I write the book? I took all the blame on myself. Why could I not get my weight under control, so that I didn’t have to write the book? I could go all the way back to: Why was I born? It can be a really slippery slope of self-blame and self-loathing. I tried to pull myself out of it and remind myself, like, this is radical, but maybe I’m not the problem.

Somebody told me this quote a couple years ago and it came to mind as I was reading your essay. It’s from the French writer André Malraux. “You did not come back from hell with empty hands.”

You know, I’ve never heard that saying before, but it’s an interesting thing and it’s true. You’re never going to emerge from a trauma unscathed, and as much as we’d like to believe that healing is a sort of a neat and complete thing, there’s always going to be baggage and scars. And sometimes it literally changes who you are, which can be challenging.

When I taught the class, having taught undergraduates before, I knew I was going to hear about difficult experiences that the students had endured. And so I was prepared for that, but I was not prepared for how powerfully they were able to write about those experiences. And I just kept looking, each week, out at this amazing group of young people and thinking, They shouldn’t have these stories to tell…. It was really striking to me to recognize that trauma really is one of the great equalizers. We don’t talk about that enough when we talk about we are all human and we have common ground because of love, we all have families, blah, blah, blah. But also, most of us have endured trauma.

I think it’s always important to recognize that you shouldn’t be ranking oppressions and you shouldn’t be ranking traumas, because it’s not fair. I wasn’t in a war-torn region during a war, but that doesn’t mean that my trauma didn’t have a profound impact on me. Women tend to minimize their experiences and their traumas because women deal with so many terrible things. When you look at young women who have been sex trafficked, young women who have been kidnapped, people who have been gang-raped by soldiers—I mean, the level of horror that those poor women in Cleveland who were kept in a house for seven years. I have enough perspective to recognize what I went through sucked, but it wasn’t like that.

One of the things that I did realize during classes, and that I also tried to impart to my students, is that you should never minimize your trauma. But I also think perspective is incredibly important, and recognizing that there’s nothing productive in saying, “That was so much worse,” but there is something important in recognizing that trauma can be compounded and it can last beyond imagining.

Is there something that you’ve wanted to talk about with your essay that you haven’t been asked about or that you feel should be highlighted that doesn’t get highlighted enough?

The one thing that I don’t think is highlighted enough, and I think this applies to a lot of different kinds of writing, is that people underestimate the craft. So many people assume that when you’re writing about trauma, when you’re writing about marginalization, oppression, whatever, anything sort of negative, that you’re writing only from emotion. And one of the main points I was trying to make, and I don’t know that I actually did it well in the essay, but I will, when it becomes a chapter in my next book. People underestimate that it’s a craft. That writing is a job and I’m not just doing it to exorcise my demons, I’m doing it to elicit a response from the reader and to accomplish something. And I do wish more people would ask me about what are some of the mechanical choices that you make to write about anything, but to write about trauma in particular.

I’m interested in that.

You have to have boundaries. And boundaries are this great container that will keep out things you don’t want to include, and keep in everything else. Once you have boundaries, you know that you’re never going to be harmed, and you’re not going to cause harm, by whatever you’re doing because you respect yourself enough to have these boundaries. It’s important to recognize that you don’t have to divulge everything. You get to determine how explicit or implicit you want to be. So many people think that if I’m writing about trauma, I have to be incredibly explicit and I have to give you every gory detail. You want to think about how you are going to put the reader into your experience, or whatever experience you’re writing about, so they can really understand the impact of it. You have to start to think about the choices that you’re making in terms of the level of description and the kind of setting and the way you set it up and introduce whatever you’re writing about into the piece. I really wanted to get my students to also think in addition to the ethical questions, just mechanically, how are you going to do this? It helped a lot of the students, because they had to recognize that not only are you going to write this, you’re going to be critiqued. And you don’t get to use the trauma as a shield from critique. Just like I couldn’t use trauma as a shield from book reviews—nor would I. And that is a useful framework, especially in the realm of writing.

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CAP Survey Data on LGBTQI+ Experiences

In June 2020, the Center for American Progress fielded a survey of 1,528 LGBTQ individuals. These respondents were asked to relay their experiences—and instances of discrimination—in a wide variety of situations in both the public and private spheres. CAP recently released a detailed report of the survey’s major findings, most prominently that more than 1 in 3 LGBTQ individuals—including nearly 2 in 3 transgender individuals—have experienced some form of discrimination in the last year. This interactive provides a detailing of survey responses, broken down by the form of discrimination and various demographic groupings.

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Transgender women at an outreach center in Washington in 2016. (Getty/Linda Davidson/The Washington Post)

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Home / Essay Samples / Sociology / Sociology of Gender / Gay

Personal Experience of Being Gay

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Sociology of Gender

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Living in a bubble, finding a gay friend, homosexuality and christianity, no one should feel ashamed of who they are.

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LGBTQ+ Rights: Navigating Society's Challenges

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  • Topic: Community Violence , Gender Discrimination , LGBT

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