Susanna Newsonen

26 Reasons to Be Proud of Yourself

11. taking the next step even though you’re scared..

Posted November 12, 2021 | Reviewed by Davia Sills

  • We often find it easier to recognize other people's positive qualities and accomplishments than our own.
  • It's good to practice seeing our own strengths, even simple ones like finishing a tough assignment or cooking a good meal.
  • If we need inspiration, we can also ask the people we're closest to us what they appreciate about us.
"If only You could close your eyes And see what I see When I look at you And your beaming light."

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It seems easy to feel pride when we watch our loved ones succeed. Our partner getting a well-earned promotion. Our child doing their first play on stage. Our dog learning a new trick. Our friend releasing their first book. Sometimes, watching our loved ones succeed, we are so proud it feels like we will split open with pride.

Yet, we almost feel a little embarrassed to be proud of our own achievements. We’re shy to toot our own horn, and we’re not that keen on getting extra attention for our successes. We worry it’s a little egotistical and possibly even narcissistic to talk about our achievements, even though we have every right to. More importantly, we have the right to be proud of them.

You have every right to be proud of your achievements, your successes, your steps forwards, and your learnings. To be proud of having chosen to read this page and said, “Yes, I matter, and I am worthy of love .”

The thing is, it’s up to you what you feel proud of. There are no rules about what qualifies as a success or achievement, and maybe it’s not even those things that make you feel the most pride. Sometimes, especially if you’ve been feeling a bit blah, the thing you’re proud of could simply be getting out of bed and carrying on with your life. Sometimes, it’s the littlest things that can make us feel proud. Cooking a new yummy dish. Finishing a book you’ve been reading for a while. Learning a few phrases in a new language.

If you’re career -driven, maybe you’re proud of a good meeting with your manager or of winning a new client for your new, small business. If you’re a new mom, maybe you’re proud of getting your baby to sleep through the night or of making them smile for the first time. If you’re an athlete , it could be a big step forward in progress in your training.

Anything goes. Anything that you feel proud of goes. So, let’s get to practice.

1. What are you most proud of in the last month?


Then, dive deeper. Dive into who you are and what you’re proud of in yourself.

2. What qualities are you most proud of in yourself?

Your smile that lights up every room, your tight abs that are there due to lots of fitness training, or your natural ability to make small talk? The way you're able to see the positive in any situation, how you're able to see how you could improve any scenario, or the way you show gratitude for everyone and everything? See what comes up and believe in what comes up. Be proud of it all.

What’s on your list of things to be proud of?

  • Who you are
  • Your best traits
  • Your smile and the way it lights up the world
  • The way you carry yourself with confidence
  • How much you care about your loved ones and the world
  • The challenges you’ve overcome
  • The lessons you’ve learned
  • Being able to forgive yourself
  • Being able to forgive others
  • Doing things even when you’re nervous
  • Taking the next step even though you’re scared
  • Trying something new
  • Quitting a job you hate
  • Sticking to a job to pay the bills
  • Going after your dream job
  • Braving a blind date
  • Traveling somewhere new and foreign
  • Learning another language
  • Developing a new skill
  • Admitting when you’re wrong
  • Not boasting when you’re right
  • Saying no to things you don’t agree with
  • Saying yes to things that excite you
  • Reading this page
  • Making self-love a daily part of your journey
  • Everything and anything

If you feel stuck on getting that pride going or can’t seem to identify the traits or qualities you’re most proud of in yourself, go back in time. Think of things people have often praised you for. What have your best friends, loving parents, siblings, professors, managers, or co-workers appreciated in you? What are some of the common themes that flow through the praise? What are the trends or repeating qualities or behaviors that come up more than once?

Finally, you can also ask your most trusted cheerleaders about this. This is something you should do only after you've reflected yourself and have already come up with at least one of your favorite qualities. That way, you feel empowered because you can find the good in yourself, yet you're happy to get some good insights from others too.

So, if you want that extra external input, do this: Ask your biggest supporters what your top three qualities are. Get at least a few responses from a few people and see where the common themes are. That's where you'll see your sweet spots and awaken yourself to those beautiful qualities that others see in you so clearly. Respect what they say, and trust them too. They're telling you those are your best qualities because they've seen, and fallen in love with, the real you.

child is sitting jeans

This is an excerpt from Notes on Self-Love .

Facebook image: andreonegin/Shutterstock

Susanna Newsonen

Susanna Newsonen , MAPP, is a philosopher and writer. Her mission is to spread hope and love, one reader at a time.

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How To Answer “What Are You Most Proud Of?” (Sample Interview Answers)

  • How To Answer Tell Me About Yourself?
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  • Where Do You See Yourself In 5 Years?
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  • What Makes You Unique?
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  • Personal Code Of Ethics
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You may get asked the common interview question “What is the accomplishment you are most proud of?” or “What are you most proud of?” in an interview, so you need to know how to answer them. You may think you’ll answer with your movie or mug collection, but that’s not what the interviewer is looking for.

The interviewer is looking to learn more about your values and what motivates you and how it will make you a better employee in the future. In this article, we’ll go over how to answer “What are you most proud of?”, provide sample answers for different scenarios, and why interviewers ask this question.

Key Takeaways

Interviewers ask, “What accomplishment are you most proud of?” to learn about your personality, values, and motivators.

Use the STAR (Situation, Task, Action, Result) method to answer this question.

Avoid being long-winded or including anything that could sound negative in your answer.

personal essay on what you are proud of in your life

How to answer “What accomplishment are you most proud of?”

Example answers for “what are you most proud of”, why do interviewers ask “what are you most proud of”, what to avoid when answering “what is your proudest achievement”, how to use the star method, “what are you most proud of” faq, final thoughts.

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To answer the interview question “What accomplishment are you most proud of?” you should choose an accomplishment that is relevant to the job and try to focus on the future. Below is a more detailed list of how to answer this common question:

Choose a relevant accomplishment. You’ve probably accomplished many goals in your personal life, but these aren’t the kinds of achievements that an interviewer wants to hear about. Stick with a professional or career-based accomplishment to give details on.

Focus on the future. An interviewer asks about a candidate’s past accomplishments to get a read on the potential benefits they could bring if hired. At the end of talking about your accomplishment, tie in some information about what you gained from the experience and how you plan to use these tools in your future career.

Think about why exactly you’re proud of this accomplishment. Part of the purpose behind asking potential employees what they are the proudest of is understanding what they’re motivated by and how they define success . Before committing to a situation as your crowning achievement, think about why you’re proud of it.

Practice your answer vocally. Even if you’re confident in the situation you’ve chosen as your proudest moment, you still need to practice delivering your answer out loud. This can be done with a partner acting as the interviewer or simply talking to yourself in the mirror. As silly as it might feel initially, it can step up your interviewing game big time.

Keep it conversational. An interview can determine your professional future, and the stress of that has the potential to make you appear stiff in an interview. Try to keep the interview, and your answer to this question in particular, as conversational as possible. Speaking about your accomplishments can flow more naturally than other interview topics, so take advantage of it.

Below are some what are you most proud of examples for different scenarios you may encounter on your interview journey:

Entry level applicant example answer

“The professional accomplishment I’m most proud of is graduating in the top 2% of my class from Fordham University. I had been accepted to the university on a partial scholarship and worked at a coffee shop to fund the rest of my tuition. Graduating at such a high class ranking with a GPA of 3.9 through sheer hard work made me feel more accomplished than I ever had before. I think that the massive effort this took paid off because excelling in my college years has opened many possible career doors.”

Associate applicant example answer

“An achievement that I’m proud of is being chosen to work on a big-budget rebranding project that my prior employer had landed. The team handling this particular project was only allowed to have 15 people on it. Every employee out of the 100 working at the time wanted to be a part of the collaboration on this project, and they only choose their top performers, which I turned out to be one of. I was put in charge of handling graphic design and visual marketing. Working on the rebranding project was eye-opening because I’d never worked on such an influential campaign before. It taught me valuable skills in communication and collaboration that I bring to every new project I work on today.”

Management role applicant example answer

“I’m most proud of managing a successful administrative team for five years. I oversaw a team of fifteen employees in an office setting. My team worked tirelessly to ensure that our office ran smoothly, and it showed in our company’s overall productivity. The higher-ranking associates even recognized us for our work output, and I was awarded a promotion after leading the team for a year. I consider supervising this team as my greatest accomplishment because of the growth and work produced by them. I gained experience in how to be a better manager and employee. After all, a manager is only as strong as the team that they’re leading.”

Executive position applicant example

“The accomplishment that I’m the proudest of in my career is launching a schedule organizing application with the Apple store that ended up in the top 10 most downloaded of 2018. It was an endeavor that my friend and I originally began in our first year out of college, and the work had just snowballed for seven years after that. I look back on this achievement most fondly because not only was it one of the first entrepreneurial attempts I made, but it was the most successful. Our application still sees 200,000 downloads every quarter, and since its humble beginnings, it has created 154 jobs. The impact this app has continues to motivate me towards following my most ambitious prospects.”

Teacher applicant example answer

“I am most proud of the impact I’ve had in my student’s lives. Throughout my nine years in teaching, I’ve witnessed countless moments where students experienced ‘aha’ moments, gained confidence in their abilities, and developed a genuine passion for learning. Through one-on-one support , I was able to understand their unique needs and learning styles and create tailored lesson plans that would be beneficial to all my students. This helped students grasp difficult concepts and improve their grades and overall learning.”

Why It Works: This answer works because teachers need to be able to make an impact on their students’ lives to help them be successful. The teacher mentioned how they created a positive learning environment and how they focused on the student’s needs. They showed their commitment to effective teaching as well as student well-being.

“I am most proud of completing my college degree while actively engaging in various extracurricular activities and maintaining a strong academic record. Throughout my time in college, I embraced every opportunity to challenge myself and grow as an individual. One of my greatest achievements would be being selected as the president of a student-led community service organization. In the role, I collaborated with a diverse team to organize impactful projects that benefited the local community. Another thing I am proud of is the personal growth and leadership skills I gained in that position. I was able to overcome challenges and manage my time effectively while allowing me to balance academics, extracurriculars, and social life.”

Why It Works: This answer works because it highlights a range of achievements, showcasing the candidate’s ability to handle academics, extracurriculars, and leadership roles. It shows their readiness to transition from an academic setting to the professional world.

Interviewers ask about the accomplishment you’re most proud of what type of personality you have and what your values are. It shows how you measure success for yourself, which is important because it describes what factors motivate you.

For example, a candidate who explains the moment they’re most proud of as the time they made the most amount of money in their position says a lot about who they are and what they care about the most. They define their success with a dollar sign and are motivated by making the most money possible.

Alternatively, an applicant who states that the proudest accomplishment of their career has been self-teaching themselves a coding language also gives a lot of information to the interviewer. It demonstrates a candidate driven by expanding their knowledge and expertise.

Interviewers ask potential hires what they’re most proud of to understand them as a person and their motivations better.

You should avoid mentioning anything negative when answering this question. Below is a more detailed list of the things you should avoid when answering this question:

Anything that could be negative. If your proudest accomplishment has you bashing any previous coworkers or employers, it won’t look good. Even if your proudest work accomplishment is working with people who made your job more difficult, don’t mention it.

Bragging too much. The hiring manager doesn’t want a 30-minute long detailed speech about every single accomplishment that you have done in your career. Pick a few and tell them about it.

Being too modest. While you shouldn’t brag, you should also avoid downplaying your achievements to the point where they lose their significance. You should be enthusiastic and proud of your accomplishments without bragging.

Mentioning irrelevant or unimpressive achievements. Make sure the achievement you talk about is relevant to the position and something that may not be considered significant in the field. It may be impressive to you but if it was from an entry-level position, you shouldn’t mention it for a higher level position.

Don’t lie. Don’t lie about any of your achievements. The interviewer will eventually find out when they do a background check and call your references. You should also avoid exaggerating any achievements.

The STAR phrase stands for “Situation, Task, Action, Result.” The STAR method’s goal is to keep you on track to producing a cohesive and concise answer to behavioral interview questions that involve past situations in your career .

Questions that ask for an example from your professional past, also known as behavioral interview questions , are notoriously hard. The STAR method is a job interview technique that helps candidates answer these questions about their past experiences, like the accomplishment they’re most proud of.

Review the following steps of the STAR method to develop a strong answer to, “Tell me what your proudest accomplishment is.”

Situation. The first step to completing the STAR method of answering interview questions is to give enough information about a situation that’s relevant to the question an interviewer is asking.

Task. Explain your role and responsibilities in the situation.

Action. Describe the actions you took while focusing on qualities that will be helpful in the role you’re applying for.

Result. Interpret the outcome and how it impacted you professionally.

The STAR method can be useful when forming an answer for what accomplishment you’re most proud of because it provides guidelines for giving a complete response relevant to the question.

What should you say when asked, “What are you most proud of?”

When asked, “What are you most proud of,” think of an accomplishment that relates to the job you’re interviewing for and use the STAR method to talk about it. The STAR method stands for “situation,” “task,” “action,” and “result.”

The STAR method outlines how to answer a question in anecdote form, starting with the overall situation and the task you faced within that situation. Then you move to the action you took to complete that task and the result, or, in this case, your final accomplishment.

How do you answer, “What personal strengths are you most proud of?”

To answer, “What personal strengths are you most proud of,” think of a few strengths that relate to the job you’re applying for and give examples of how you’ve used them. This shows the interviewers how your strengths would serve their company, making you a more attractive candidate.

What are three things to be proud of in your work history?

Three things to be proud of in your work history are:

Challenges you’ve overcome.

New ideas you’ve successfully implemented.

Problems you’ve solved.

Awards, publications, or recognitions are also things to be proud of.

How do you answer, “What are your top three achievements?”

To answer, “What are your top three achievements,” by highlighting some of your most impressive achievements, explaining why you’re proud of them, and relating them to the position you’re applying for.

This will show the interviewer not only what you’re capable of professionally, but also what motivates you and how you’ll benefit their company.

What does the STAR method stand for?

The STAR Method stands for Situation, Task, Action, and Result. The STAR Method allows you to answer behavioral interview questions in depth. It will help you stay on track and give a cohesive and concise answer.

Telling your interviewer about your accomplishments is a great way for them to know some of the things you can do.

Using the STAR format and using the tips from above, deciding how to respond to this question in an interview when asked what you’re most proud of is a little easier.

University of Massachusetts Global – Accomplishment Statement Examples to Help Make Your Resume Stand Out

Forbes – 7 Ways To Talk About Your Accomplishments Without Sounding Like a Braggart

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Sky Ariella is a professional freelance writer, originally from New York. She has been featured on websites and online magazines covering topics in career, travel, and lifestyle. She received her BA in psychology from Hunter College.

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  • What Are You Most Proud Of

What Are You Most Proud Of? (Example Answers Included)

Mike Simpson 0 Comments

personal essay on what you are proud of in your life

By Mike Simpson

Updated 6/10/2022.

Everyone has moments in their life that stand out in their mind, making them puff out their chest and say, “Heck yeah, I did that!” But when you’re asked, “What are you most proud of?” in a job interview, you may suddenly draw a blank.

Why? Because many people have trouble answering questions that involve a bit of bragging, even if it’s appropriate. Plus, it isn’t uncommon to underestimate the value of your contributions at work, causing you to downplay your capabilities.

Fortunately, coming up with a great answer isn’t as hard as it initially seems. If you aren’t sure where to begin, here are some tips, along with some “what are you most proud of” examples to inspire you.

Why Do Hiring Managers Ask This Question?

While “What are you most proud of?” seems like a straightforward question, it’s actually a bit tricky. Like “ What is your greatest accomplishment ?” this one functions as a behavioral interview question more often than not.

The hiring manager wants to find out more about how you think and act at work, all while getting some insights into your values and priorities. Plus, as the good folks at Indeed point out, this question lets the hiring manager see how you define success.

When you answer, “What accomplishments are you most proud of?” the hiring manager typically wants to hear about the skills you put to work, too. That gives them more clues about your capabilities, and that’s valuable.

So, it’s open season to brag, right? Well, yes and no. While tooting your own horn a bit is expected, you need to meter yourself. As Work It Daily points out, appearing arrogant “can hurt your first impression.” So, you need to find balance, ensuring you’ll impress without going too far.

How NOT To Answer “What Are You Most Proud Of?”

So, what’s the wrong way to answer the “what are you proud of” question?

First, it’s important to realize that you need to discuss “what are you most proud of” examples that align with the job. Now isn’t the time to talk about how you blew the competition away during a pie-eating contest at a summer festival, as that probably isn’t relevant to the role. However, that’s not to say you can’t relate any personal stories; they just need to connect to the position in some shape or form.

What else should you avoid when coming up with a good brag-worthy story to share with your hiring manager? Try to skip any story that shows your past employer in a bad light. Don’t say things like, “I’m just proud of the fact that I managed to survive the mess that was my last workplace.”

You also want to avoid moments where you achieved something through sheer luck or circumstance rather than hard work and professionalism. Similarly, you also don’t need to share a story that is mind-blowingly amazing or too over the top, especially if doing so makes you seem arrogant.

IMPORTANT: Sharing a story about how good it made you feel to discover that a simple tweak to a program you were building sped the process up by 10%, saving the company time and money can actually be more impressive to a hiring manager than a story about how you managed to salvage a minor sales deal that was going south by hiring a full Mariachi band and having them show up at your client’s office to serenade them with love songs from his hometown for six hours until he finally relented and closed the deal.

Keep in mind, while the Mariachi story is…well…impressive, a lot of hiring managers are more interested in individuals who are motivated to grow and excel in whatever job they’re doing than in self-aggrandized attention-seeking individuals who could potentially cause problems for the company down the road with over the top theatrics or dangerous stunts.

Ultimately, keep your answers realistic, humble, and targeted to the job. Also, make sure that you’re honest. Bragging about something that isn’t true is incredibly risky, especially if it’s something the hiring manager can easily verify.

Just remember, this is just one question the hiring manager could ask you in your interview! That’s why we created an amazing free cheat sheet that will give you word-for-word answers for some of the toughest interview questions you are going to face in your upcoming interview.

Click below to get your free PDF now:

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5 Tips for Answering “What Accomplishment Are You Most Proud Of?”

1. make your proud moment relevant:.

When thinking about what moment you want to share with your hiring manager, start by first breaking down the job you’re applying for and seeing if there is anything in your past that could relate to what the employer is looking for now. Focus on moments where you made a contribution to work that really helped out the team or a time you solved a problem.

2. Make your proud moment realistic:

Discussing over-the-top antics isn’t likely to work in your favor. An employer wants an employee who is driven by the feeling that they’re accomplishing realistic goals and constantly looking for ways to push beyond their last achievement and onto the next one.

3. Make your proud moment impactful:

Talk about what led up to your proud moment and why it made you so proud. Was it a task you’d been working on for ages and weren’t having any success but through perseverance and hard work, you overcame the roadblock? Was it tackling something everyone else in your department had given up on, knowing you could make it work?

Whatever it is, talk about what led up to that moment as well as the moment itself.

4. Make your proud moment lasting:

How did you follow up that moment? Did you use that moment as a catalyst to push forward on new challenges? Did you share your success with your team so they could learn from it and achieve their own proud moments?

Talk about what you did after you accomplished your task and how that impacted the people around you.

5. Make your proud moment a launching pad:

No employer wants to hire an employee who achieves something and then just stops. The feeling of pride is an amazing one, and an employer wants an employee who is going to be driven to continue to have moments they’re proud of at work. Talk about how you’ve taken what you’re most proud of and used it as a catalyst to continue to achieve and succeed.

5 Sample Answers

Sometimes, the easiest way to learn how to approach job interview questions is with some sample answers. Here are a few “what are you most proud of” examples, each targeting a different career level.

1. Entry Level – No College

EXAMPLE ANSWER:

“I’m most proud of my volunteer contributions at the local soup kitchen. Every two weeks, I would head in to prepare and serve meals to those in need. It was a chance to connect with my community in a new way and to make a difference in people’s lives. Plus, it taught me the value of hard work for the sake of itself, which I feel will serve me well as I join the workforce.”

2. Entry-Level College Grad

“The accomplishment I’m most proud of is completing my degree with a 3.95 GPA. It’s a reflection of my hard work and discipline, as well as my ability to work well with others on group projects while also shining on independent work. The journey was long and arduous, but the experience prepared me for an exciting career, one that I hope continues to let me learn and grow as I provide value to a new employer.”

3. Mid-Level Individual Contributor

“At this point in my career, I’m most proud of the time I successfully transitioned every smartphone user in the agency to a new device type. We had to change MDM services within 45 days, and the current smartphone device type wasn’t compatible with the new system. As part of the transition, I had to personally handle and set up 300 smartphones, a process that included installing the MDM app, transferring phone numbers, and reconnecting services like email. Plus, I had to coordinate the transitions with the users, as their current devices would lose their connection once I began. Through organization, planning, and communication, I was able to keep everything on target, completing the transition in just 32 days.”

4. Management Level

“One moment I’m particularly proud involved coaching a team member to success. When I first began in a management role with a new employer, there was an employee that was struggling to meet their performance targets. While many believed I would need to terminate them, I thought it best to use another strategy first. I adopted a coaching mindset, meeting with them one-on-one to learn more about their struggles and how we could devise solutions together.
“Ultimately, I learned that the employee’s role had changed over time, and they struggled to access appropriate training opportunities to help with the new duties. That allowed me to create a plan to get them up to speed, combining formal classes with a mentor. Ultimately, the strategy succeeded, and they became one of the top performers on the team in just nine months.”

5. Executive Level

“The moment I’m most proud of occurred just a few years ago. I built a company from the ground up, bootstrapping the endeavor while developing a new logistics technology that improved order tracking and delivery monitoring by providing real-time data to everyone in the chain. The tech streamlined operations in many sectors, boosting operational efficiency for companies of all sizes.
“When I was given a sizable offer by a larger logistics technology company for my business, it made me realize just how monumental the innovation was, making me even prouder of what I’d accomplished. Now, I’m looking forward to harnessing my passion for growth, development, and strategic planning to take another company to similar heights.”

Putting It All Together

So, there you have it, how to answer “What are you most proud of” and make it relevant to the job you’re trying to land. Remember, keep your achievements realistic, relevant, and impactful if you want to ensure that your answer impresses the hiring manager at your next interview.

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personal essay on what you are proud of in your life

Co-Founder and CEO of TheInterviewGuys.com. Mike is a job interview and career expert and the head writer at TheInterviewGuys.com.

His advice and insights have been shared and featured by publications such as Forbes , Entrepreneur , CNBC and more as well as educational institutions such as the University of Michigan , Penn State , Northeastern and others.

Learn more about The Interview Guys on our About Us page .

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personal essay on what you are proud of in your life

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10 Personal Statement Essay Examples That Worked

What’s covered:, what is a personal statement.

  • Essay 1: Summer Program
  • Essay 2: Being Bangladeshi-American
  • Essay 3: Why Medicine
  • Essay 4: Love of Writing
  • Essay 5: Starting a Fire
  • Essay 6: Dedicating a Track
  • Essay 7: Body Image and Eating Disorders
  • Essay 8: Becoming a Coach
  • Essay 9: Eritrea
  • Essay 10: Journaling
  • Is Your Personal Statement Strong Enough?

Your personal statement is any essay that you must write for your main application, such as the Common App Essay , University of California Essays , or Coalition Application Essay . This type of essay focuses on your unique experiences, ideas, or beliefs that may not be discussed throughout the rest of your application. This essay should be an opportunity for the admissions officers to get to know you better and give them a glimpse into who you really are.

In this post, we will share 10 different personal statements that were all written by real students. We will also provide commentary on what each essay did well and where there is room for improvement, so you can make your personal statement as strong as possible!

Please note: Looking at examples of real essays students have submitted to colleges can be very beneficial to get inspiration for your essays. You should never copy or plagiarize from these examples when writing your own essays. Colleges can tell when an essay isn’t genuine and will not view students favorably if they plagiarized. 

Personal Statement Examples

Essay example #1: exchange program.

The twisting roads, ornate mosaics, and fragrant scent of freshly ground spices had been so foreign at first. Now in my fifth week of the SNYI-L summer exchange program in Morocco, I felt more comfortable in the city. With a bag full of pastries from the market, I navigated to a bus stop, paid the fare, and began the trip back to my host family’s house. It was hard to believe that only a few years earlier my mom was worried about letting me travel around my home city on my own, let alone a place that I had only lived in for a few weeks. While I had been on a journey towards self-sufficiency and independence for a few years now, it was Morocco that pushed me to become the confident, self-reflective person that I am today.

As a child, my parents pressured me to achieve perfect grades, master my swim strokes, and discover interesting hobbies like playing the oboe and learning to pick locks. I felt compelled to live my life according to their wishes. Of course, this pressure was not a wholly negative factor in my life –– you might even call it support. However, the constant presence of my parents’ hopes for me overcame my own sense of desire and led me to become quite dependent on them. I pushed myself to get straight A’s, complied with years of oboe lessons, and dutifully attended hours of swim practice after school. Despite all these achievements, I felt like I had no sense of self beyond my drive for success. I had always been expected to succeed on the path they had defined. However, this path was interrupted seven years after my parents’ divorce when my dad moved across the country to Oregon.

I missed my dad’s close presence, but I loved my new sense of freedom. My parents’ separation allowed me the space to explore my own strengths and interests as each of them became individually busier. As early as middle school, I was riding the light rail train by myself, reading maps to get myself home, and applying to special academic programs without urging from my parents. Even as I took more initiatives on my own, my parents both continued to see me as somewhat immature. All of that changed three years ago, when I applied and was accepted to the SNYI-L summer exchange program in Morocco. I would be studying Arabic and learning my way around the city of Marrakesh. Although I think my parents were a little surprised when I told them my news, the addition of a fully-funded scholarship convinced them to let me go.

I lived with a host family in Marrakesh and learned that they, too, had high expectations for me. I didn’t know a word of Arabic, and although my host parents and one brother spoke good English, they knew I was there to learn. If I messed up, they patiently corrected me but refused to let me fall into the easy pattern of speaking English just as I did at home. Just as I had when I was younger, I felt pressured and stressed about meeting their expectations. However, one day, as I strolled through the bustling market square after successfully bargaining with one of the street vendors, I realized my mistake. My host family wasn’t being unfair by making me fumble through Arabic. I had applied for this trip, and I had committed to the intensive language study. My host family’s rules about speaking Arabic at home had not been to fulfill their expectations for me, but to help me fulfill my expectations for myself. Similarly, the pressure my parents had put on me as a child had come out of love and their hopes for me, not out of a desire to crush my individuality.

As my bus drove through the still-bustling market square and past the medieval Ben-Youssef madrasa, I realized that becoming independent was a process, not an event. I thought that my parents’ separation when I was ten had been the one experience that would transform me into a self-motivated and autonomous person. It did, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t still have room to grow. Now, although I am even more self-sufficient than I was three years ago, I try to approach every experience with the expectation that it will change me. It’s still difficult, but I understand that just because growth can be uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s not important.

What the Essay Did Well

This is a nice essay because it delves into particular character trait of the student and how it has been shaped and matured over time. Although it doesn’t focus the essay around a specific anecdote, the essay is still successful because it is centered around this student’s independence. This is a nice approach for a personal statement: highlight a particular trait of yours and explore how it has grown with you.

The ideas in this essay are universal to growing up—living up to parents’ expectations, yearning for freedom, and coming to terms with reality—but it feels unique to the student because of the inclusion of details specific to them. Including their oboe lessons, the experience of riding the light rail by themselves, and the negotiations with a street vendor helps show the reader what these common tropes of growing up looked like for them personally. 

Another strength of the essay is the level of self-reflection included throughout the piece. Since there is no central anecdote tying everything together, an essay about a character trait is only successful when you deeply reflect on how you felt, where you made mistakes, and how that trait impacts your life. The author includes reflection in sentences like “ I felt like I had no sense of self beyond my drive for success, ” and “ I understand that just because growth can be uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s not important. ” These sentences help us see how the student was impacted and what their point of view is.

What Could Be Improved

The largest change this essay would benefit from is to show not tell. The platitude you have heard a million times no doubt, but for good reason. This essay heavily relies on telling the reader what occurred, making us less engaged as the entire reading experience feels more passive. If the student had shown us what happens though, it keeps the reader tied to the action and makes them feel like they are there with the student, making it much more enjoyable to read. 

For example, they tell us about the pressure to succeed their parents placed on them: “ I pushed myself to get straight A’s, complied with years of oboe lessons, and dutifully attended hours of swim practice after school.”  They could have shown us what that pressure looked like with a sentence like this: “ My stomach turned somersaults as my rattling knee thumped against the desk before every test, scared to get anything less than a 95. For five years the painful squawk of the oboe only reminded me of my parents’ claps and whistles at my concerts. I mastered the butterfly, backstroke, and freestyle, fighting against the anchor of their expectations threatening to pull me down.”

If the student had gone through their essay and applied this exercise of bringing more detail and colorful language to sentences that tell the reader what happened, the essay would be really great. 

Table of Contents

Essay Example #2: Being Bangladeshi-American

Life before was good: verdant forests, sumptuous curries, and a devoted family.

Then, my family abandoned our comfortable life in Bangladesh for a chance at the American dream in Los Angeles. Within our first year, my father was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. He lost his battle three weeks before my sixth birthday. Facing a new country without the steady presence of my father, we were vulnerable — prisoners of hardship in the land of the free. We resettled in the Bronx, in my uncle’s renovated basement. It was meant to be our refuge, but I felt more displaced than ever. Gone were the high-rise condos of West L.A.; instead, government projects towered over the neighborhood. Pedestrians no longer smiled and greeted me; the atmosphere was hostile, even toxic. Schoolkids were quick to pick on those they saw as weak or foreign, hurling harsh words I’d never heard before.

Meanwhile, my family began integrating into the local Bangladeshi community. I struggled to understand those who shared my heritage. Bangladeshi mothers stayed home while fathers drove cabs and sold fruit by the roadside — painful societal positions. Riding on crosstown buses or walking home from school, I began to internalize these disparities. During my fleeting encounters with affluent Upper East Siders, I saw kids my age with nannies, parents who wore suits to work, and luxurious apartments with spectacular views. Most took cabs to their destinations: cabs that Bangladeshis drove. I watched the mundane moments of their lives with longing, aching to plant myself in their shoes. Shame prickled down my spine. I distanced myself from my heritage, rejecting the traditional panjabis worn on Eid and refusing the torkari we ate for dinner every day. 

As I grappled with my relationship with the Bangladeshi community, I turned my attention to helping my Bronx community by pursuing an internship with Assemblyman Luis Sepulveda. I handled desk work and took calls, spending the bulk of my time actively listening to the hardships constituents faced — everything from a veteran stripped of his benefits to a grandmother unable to support her bedridden grandchild.

I’d never exposed myself to stories like these, and now I was the first to hear them. As an intern, I could only assist in what felt like the small ways — pointing out local job offerings, printing information on free ESL classes, reaching out to non-profits. But to a community facing an onslaught of intense struggles, I realized that something as small as these actions could have vast impacts. Seeing the immediate consequences of my actions inspired me. Throughout that summer, I internalized my community’s daily challenges in a new light. I began to stop seeing the prevalent underemployment and cramped living quarters less as sources of shame. Instead, I saw them as realities that had to be acknowledged, but could ultimately be remedied. I also realized the benefits of the Bangladeshi culture I had been so ashamed of. My Bangla language skills were an asset to the office, and my understanding of Bangladeshi etiquette allowed for smooth communication between office staff and its constituents. As I helped my neighbors navigate city services, I saw my heritage with pride — a perspective I never expected to have.

I can now appreciate the value of my unique culture and background, and of living with less. This perspective offers room for progress, community integration, and a future worth fighting for. My time with Assemblyman Sepulveda’s office taught me that I can be a change agent in enabling this progression. Far from being ashamed of my community, I want to someday return to local politics in the Bronx to continue helping others access the American Dream. I hope to help my community appreciate the opportunity to make progress together. By embracing reality, I learned to live it. Along the way, I discovered one thing: life is good, but we can make it better.

This student’s passion for social justice and civic duty shines through in this essay because of how honest it is. Sharing their personal experience with immigrating, moving around, being an outsider, and finding a community allows us to see the hardships this student has faced and builds empathy towards their situation. However, what really makes it strong is that they go beyond describing the difficulties they faced and explain the mental impact it had on them as a child: Shame prickled down my spine. I distanced myself from my heritage, rejecting the traditional panjabis worn on Eid and refusing the torkari we ate for dinner every day. 

The rejection of their culture presented at the beginning of the essay creates a nice juxtaposition with the student’s view in the latter half of the essay and helps demonstrate how they have matured. They use their experience interning as a way to delve into a change in their thought process about their culture and show how their passion for social justice began. Using this experience as a mechanism to explore their thoughts and feelings is an excellent example of how items that are included elsewhere on your application should be incorporated into your essay.

This essay prioritizes emotions and personal views over specific anecdotes. Although there are details and certain moments incorporated throughout to emphasize the author’s points, the main focus remains on the student and how they grapple with their culture and identity.  

One area for improvement is the conclusion. Although the forward-looking approach is a nice way to end an essay focused on social justice, it would be nice to include more details and imagery in the conclusion. How does the student want to help their community? What government position do they see themselves holding one day? 

A more impactful ending might look like the student walking into their office at the New York City Housing Authority in 15 years and looking at the plans to build a new development in the Bronx just blocks away from where the grew up that would provide quality housing to people in their Bangladeshi community. They would smile while thinking about how far they have come from that young kid who used to be ashamed of their culture. 

Essay Example #3: Why Medicine

I took my first trip to China to visit my cousin Anna in July of 2014. Distance had kept us apart, but when we were together, we fell into all of our old inside jokes and caught up on each other’s lives. Her sparkling personality and optimistic attitude always brought a smile to my face. This time, however, my heart broke when I saw the effects of her brain cancer; she had suffered from a stroke that paralyzed her left side. She was still herself in many ways, but I could see that the damage to her brain made things difficult for her. I stayed by her every day, providing the support she needed, whether assisting her with eating and drinking, reading to her, or just watching “Friends.” During my flight back home, sorrow and helplessness overwhelmed me. Would I ever see Anna again? Could I have done more to make Anna comfortable? I wished I could stay in China longer to care for her. As I deplaned, I wondered if I could transform my grief to help other children and teenagers in the US who suffered as Anna did.

The day after I got home, as jet lag dragged me awake a few minutes after midnight, I remembered hearing about the Family Reach Foundation (FRF) and its work with children going through treatments at the local hospital and their families. I began volunteering in the FRF’s Children’s Activity Room, where I play with children battling cancer. Volunteering has both made me appreciate my own health and also cherish the new relationships I build with the children and families. We play sports, make figures out of playdoh, and dress up. When they take on the roles of firefighters or fairies, we all get caught up in the game; for that time, they forget the sanitized, stark, impersonal walls of the pediatric oncology ward. Building close relationships with them and seeing them giggle and laugh is so rewarding — I love watching them grow and get better throughout their course of treatment.

Hearing from the parents about their children’s condition and seeing the children recover inspired me to consider medical research. To get started, I enrolled in a summer collegelevel course in Abnormal Psychology. There I worked with Catelyn, a rising college senior, on a data analysis project regarding Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Together, we examined the neurological etiology of DID by studying four fMRI and PET cases. I fell in love with gathering data and analyzing the results and was amazed by our final product: several stunning brain images showcasing the areas of hyper and hypoactivity in brains affected by DID. Desire quickly followed my amazement — I want to continue this project and study more brains. Their complexity, delicacy, and importance to every aspect of life fascinate me. Successfully completing this research project gave me a sense of hope; I know I am capable of participating in a large scale research project and potentially making a difference in someone else’s life through my research.

Anna’s diagnosis inspired me to begin volunteering at FRF; from there, I discovered my desire to help people further by contributing to medical research. As my research interest blossomed, I realized that it’s no coincidence that I want to study brains—after all, Anna suffered from brain cancer. Reflecting on these experiences this past year and a half, I see that everything I’ve done is connected. Sadly, a few months after I returned from China, Anna passed away. I am still sad, but as I run a toy truck across the floor and watch one of the little patients’ eyes light up, I imagine that she would be proud of my commitment to pursue medicine and study the brain.

This essay has a very strong emotional core that tugs at the heart strings and makes the reader feel invested. Writing about sickness can be difficult and doesn’t always belong in a personal statement, but in this case it works well because the focus is on how this student cared for her cousin and dealt with the grief and emotions surrounding her condition. Writing about the compassion she showed and the doubts and concerns that filled her mind keeps the focus on the author and her personality. 

This continues when she again discusses the activities she did with the kids at FRF and the personal reflection this experience allowed her to have. For example, she writes: Volunteering has both made me appreciate my own health and also cherish the new relationships I build with the children and families. We play sports, make figures out of playdoh, and dress up.

Concluding the essay with the sad story of her cousin’s passing brings the essay full circle and returns to the emotional heart of the piece to once again build a connection with the reader. However, it finishes on a hopeful note and demonstrates how this student has been able to turn a tragic experience into a source of lifelong inspiration. 

One thing this essay should be cognizant of is that personal statements should not read as summaries of your extracurricular resume. Although this essay doesn’t fully fall into that trap, it does describe two key extracurriculars the student participated in. However, the inclusion of such a strong emotional core running throughout the essay helps keep the focus on the student and her thoughts and feelings during these activities.

To avoid making this mistake, make sure you have a common thread running through your essay and the extracurriculars provide support to the story you are trying to tell, rather than crafting a story around your activities. And, as this essay does, make sure there is lots of personal reflection and feelings weaved throughout to focus attention to you rather than your extracurriculars. 

Essay Example #4: Love of Writing

“I want to be a writer.” This had been my answer to every youthful discussion with the adults in my life about what I would do when I grew up. As early as elementary school, I remember reading my writing pieces aloud to an audience at “Author of the Month” ceremonies. Bearing this goal in mind, and hoping to gain some valuable experience, I signed up for a journalism class during my freshman year. Despite my love for writing, I initially found myself uninterested in the subject and I struggled to enjoy the class. When I thought of writing, I imagined lyrical prose, profound poetry, and thrilling plot lines. Journalism required a laconic style and orderly structure, and I found my teacher’s assignments formulaic and dull. That class shook my confidence as a writer. I was uncertain if I should continue in it for the rest of my high school career.

Despite my misgivings, I decided that I couldn’t make a final decision on whether to quit journalism until I had some experience working for a paper outside of the classroom. The following year, I applied to be a staff reporter on our school newspaper. I hoped this would help me become more self-driven and creative, rather than merely writing articles that my teacher assigned. To my surprise, my time on staff was worlds away from what I experienced in the journalism class. Although I was unaccustomed to working in a fast-paced environment and initially found it burdensome to research and complete high-quality stories in a relatively short amount of time, I also found it exciting. I enjoyed learning more about topics and events on campus that I did not know much about; some of my stories that I covered in my first semester concerned a chess tournament, a food drive, and a Spanish immersion party. I relished in the freedom I had to explore and learn, and to write more independently than I could in a classroom.

Although I enjoyed many aspects of working for the paper immediately, reporting also pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I am a shy person, and speaking with people I did not know intimidated me. During my first interview, I met with the basketball coach to prepare for a story about the team’s winning streak. As I approached his office, I felt everything from my toes to my tongue freeze into a solid block, and I could hardly get out my opening questions. Fortunately, the coach was very kind and helped me through the conversation. Encouraged, I prepared for my next interview with more confidence. After a few weeks of practice, I even started to look forward to interviewing people on campus. That first journalism class may have bored me, but even if journalism in practice was challenging, it was anything but tedious.

Over the course of that year, I grew to love writing for our school newspaper. Reporting made me aware of my surroundings, and made me want to know more about current events on campus and in the town where I grew up. By interacting with people all over campus, I came to understand the breadth of individuals and communities that make up my high school. I felt far more connected to diverse parts of my school through my work as a journalist, and I realized that journalism gave me a window into seeing beyond my own experiences. The style of news writing may be different from what I used to think “writing” meant, but I learned that I can still derive exciting plots from events that may have gone unnoticed if not for my stories. I no longer struggle to approach others, and truly enjoy getting to know people and recognizing their accomplishments through my writing. Becoming a writer may be a difficult path, but it is as rewarding as I hoped when I was young.

This essay is clearly structured in a manner that makes it flow very nicely and contributes to its success. It starts with a quote to draw in the reader and show this student’s life-long passion for writing. Then it addresses the challenges of facing new, unfamiliar territory and how this student overcame it. Finally, it concludes by reflecting on this eye-opening experience and a nod to their younger self from the introduction. Having a well-thought out and sequential structure with clear transitions makes it extremely easy for the reader to follow along and take away the main idea.

Another positive aspect of the essay is the use of strong and expressive language. Sentences like “ When I thought of writing, I imagined lyrical prose, profound poetry, and thrilling plot lines ” stand out because of the intentional use of words like “lyrical”, “profound”, and “thrilling” to convey the student’s love of writing. The author also uses an active voice to capture the readers’ attention and keep us engaged. They rely on their language and diction to reveal details to the reader, for instance saying “ I felt everything from my toes to my tongue freeze into a solid block ” to describe feeling nervous.

This essay is already very strong, so there isn’t much that needs to be changed. One thing that could take the essay from great to outstanding would be to throw in more quotes, internal dialogue, and sensory descriptors.

It would be nice to see the nerves they felt interviewing the coach by including dialogue like “ Um…I want to interview you about…uh…”.  They could have shown their original distaste for journalism by narrating the thoughts running through their head. The fast-paced environment of their newspaper could have come to life with descriptions about the clacking of keyboards and the whirl of people running around laying out articles.

Essay Example #5: Starting a Fire

Was I no longer the beloved daughter of nature, whisperer of trees? Knee-high rubber boots, camouflage, bug spray—I wore the garb and perfume of a proud wild woman, yet there I was, hunched over the pathetic pile of stubborn sticks, utterly stumped, on the verge of tears. As a child, I had considered myself a kind of rustic princess, a cradler of spiders and centipedes, who was serenaded by mourning doves and chickadees, who could glide through tick-infested meadows and emerge Lyme-free. I knew the cracks of the earth like the scars on my own rough palms. Yet here I was, ten years later, incapable of performing the most fundamental outdoor task: I could not, for the life of me, start a fire. 

Furiously I rubbed the twigs together—rubbed and rubbed until shreds of skin flaked from my fingers. No smoke. The twigs were too young, too sticky-green; I tossed them away with a shower of curses, and began tearing through the underbrush in search of a more flammable collection. My efforts were fruitless. Livid, I bit a rejected twig, determined to prove that the forest had spurned me, offering only young, wet bones that would never burn. But the wood cracked like carrots between my teeth—old, brittle, and bitter. Roaring and nursing my aching palms, I retreated to the tent, where I sulked and awaited the jeers of my family. 

Rattling their empty worm cans and reeking of fat fish, my brother and cousins swaggered into the campsite. Immediately, they noticed the minor stick massacre by the fire pit and called to me, their deep voices already sharp with contempt. 

“Where’s the fire, Princess Clara?” they taunted. “Having some trouble?” They prodded me with the ends of the chewed branches and, with a few effortless scrapes of wood on rock, sparked a red and roaring flame. My face burned long after I left the fire pit. The camp stank of salmon and shame. 

In the tent, I pondered my failure. Was I so dainty? Was I that incapable? I thought of my hands, how calloused and capable they had been, how tender and smooth they had become. It had been years since I’d kneaded mud between my fingers; instead of scaling a white pine, I’d practiced scales on my piano, my hands softening into those of a musician—fleshy and sensitive. And I’d gotten glasses, having grown horrifically nearsighted; long nights of dim lighting and thick books had done this. I couldn’t remember the last time I had lain down on a hill, barefaced, and seen the stars without having to squint. Crawling along the edge of the tent, a spider confirmed my transformation—he disgusted me, and I felt an overwhelming urge to squash him. 

Yet, I realized I hadn’t really changed—I had only shifted perspective. I still eagerly explored new worlds, but through poems and prose rather than pastures and puddles. I’d grown to prefer the boom of a bass over that of a bullfrog, learned to coax a different kind of fire from wood, having developed a burn for writing rhymes and scrawling hypotheses. 

That night, I stayed up late with my journal and wrote about the spider I had decided not to kill. I had tolerated him just barely, only shrieking when he jumped—it helped to watch him decorate the corners of the tent with his delicate webs, knowing that he couldn’t start fires, either. When the night grew cold and the embers died, my words still smoked—my hands burned from all that scrawling—and even when I fell asleep, the ideas kept sparking—I was on fire, always on fire.

This student is an excellent writer, which allows a simple story to be outstandingly compelling. The author articulates her points beautifully and creatively through her immense use of details and figurative language. Lines like “a rustic princess, a cradler of spiders and centipedes, who was serenaded by mourning doves and chickadees,” and “rubbed and rubbed until shreds of skin flaked from my fingers,” create vivid images that draw the reader in. 

The flowery and descriptive prose also contributes to the nice juxtaposition between the old Clara and the new Clara. The latter half of the essay contrasts elements of nature with music and writing to demonstrate how natural these interests are for her now. This sentence perfectly encapsulates the contrast she is trying to build: “It had been years since I’d kneaded mud between my fingers; instead of scaling a white pine, I’d practiced scales on my piano, my hands softening into those of a musician—fleshy and sensitive.”

In addition to being well-written, this essay is thematically cohesive. It begins with the simple introduction “Fire!” and ends with the following image: “When the night grew cold and the embers died, my words still smoked—my hands burned from all that scrawling—and even when I fell asleep, the ideas kept sparking—I was on fire, always on fire.” This full-circle approach leaves readers satisfied and impressed.

There is very little this essay should change, however one thing to be cautious about is having an essay that is overly-descriptive. We know from the essay that this student likes to read and write, and depending on other elements of her application, it might make total sense to have such a flowery and ornate writing style. However, your personal statement needs to reflect your voice as well as your personality. If you would never use language like this in conversation or your writing, don’t put it in your personal statement. Make sure there is a balance between eloquence and your personal voice.

Essay Example #6: Dedicating a Track

“Getting beat is one thing – it’s part of competing – but I want no part in losing.” Coach Rob Stark’s motto never fails to remind me of his encouragement on early-morning bus rides to track meets around the state. I’ve always appreciated the phrase, but an experience last June helped me understand its more profound, universal meaning.

Stark, as we affectionately call him, has coached track at my high school for 25 years. His care, dedication, and emphasis on developing good character has left an enduring impact on me and hundreds of other students. Not only did he help me discover my talent and love for running, but he also taught me the importance of commitment and discipline and to approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running. When I learned a neighboring high school had dedicated their track to a longtime coach, I felt that Stark deserved similar honors.

Our school district’s board of education indicated they would only dedicate our track to Stark if I could demonstrate that he was extraordinary. I took charge and mobilized my teammates to distribute petitions, reach out to alumni, and compile statistics on the many team and individual champions Stark had coached over the years. We received astounding support, collecting almost 3,000 signatures and pages of endorsements from across the community. With help from my teammates, I presented this evidence to the board.

They didn’t bite. 

Most members argued that dedicating the track was a low priority. Knowing that we had to act quickly to convince them of its importance, I called a team meeting where we drafted a rebuttal for the next board meeting. To my surprise, they chose me to deliver it. I was far from the best public speaker in the group, and I felt nervous about going before the unsympathetic board again. However, at that second meeting, I discovered that I enjoy articulating and arguing for something that I’m passionate about.

Public speaking resembles a cross country race. Walking to the starting line, you have to trust your training and quell your last minute doubts. When the gun fires, you can’t think too hard about anything; your performance has to be instinctual, natural, even relaxed. At the next board meeting, the podium was my starting line. As I walked up to it, familiar butterflies fluttered in my stomach. Instead of the track stretching out in front of me, I faced the vast audience of teachers, board members, and my teammates. I felt my adrenaline build, and reassured myself: I’ve put in the work, my argument is powerful and sound. As the board president told me to introduce myself, I heard, “runners set” in the back of my mind. She finished speaking, and Bang! The brief silence was the gunshot for me to begin. 

The next few minutes blurred together, but when the dust settled, I knew from the board members’ expressions and the audience’s thunderous approval that I had run quite a race. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough; the board voted down our proposal. I was disappointed, but proud of myself, my team, and our collaboration off the track. We stood up for a cause we believed in, and I overcame my worries about being a leader. Although I discovered that changing the status quo through an elected body can be a painstakingly difficult process and requires perseverance, I learned that I enjoy the challenges this effort offers. Last month, one of the school board members joked that I had become a “regular” – I now often show up to meetings to advocate for a variety of causes, including better environmental practices in cafeterias and safer equipment for athletes.

Just as Stark taught me, I worked passionately to achieve my goal. I may have been beaten when I appealed to the board, but I certainly didn’t lose, and that would have made Stark proud.

This essay effectively conveys this student’s compassion for others, initiative, and determination—all great qualities to exemplify in a personal statement!

Although they rely on telling us a lot of what happened up until the board meeting, the use of running a race (their passion) as a metaphor for public speaking provides a lot of insight into the fear that this student overcame to work towards something bigger than themself. Comparing a podium to the starting line, the audience to the track, and silence to the gunshot is a nice way of demonstrating this student’s passion for cross country running without making that the focus of the story.

The essay does a nice job of coming full circle at the end by explaining what the quote from the beginning meant to them after this experience. Without explicitly saying “ I now know that what Stark actually meant is…” they rely on the strength of their argument above to make it obvious to the reader what it means to get beat but not lose. 

One of the biggest areas of improvement in the intro, however, is how the essay tells us Stark’s impact rather than showing us: His care, dedication, and emphasis on developing good character has left an enduring impact on me and hundreds of other students. Not only did he help me discover my talent and love for running, but he also taught me the importance of commitment and discipline and to approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running.

The writer could’ve helped us feel a stronger emotional connection to Stark if they had included examples of Stark’s qualities, rather than explicitly stating them. For example, they could’ve written something like: Stark was the kind of person who would give you gas money if you told him your parents couldn’t afford to pick you up from practice. And he actually did that—several times. At track meets, alumni regularly would come talk to him and tell him how he’d changed their lives. Before Stark, I was ambivalent about running and was on the JV team, but his encouragement motivated me to run longer and harder and eventually make varsity. Because of him, I approach every endeavor with the passion and intensity that I bring to running.

Essay Example #7: Body Image and Eating Disorders

I press the “discover” button on my Instagram app, hoping to find enticing pictures to satisfy my boredom. Scrolling through, I see funny videos and mouth-watering pictures of food. However, one image stops me immediately. A fit teenage girl with a “perfect body” relaxes in a bikini on a beach. Beneath it, I see a slew of flattering comments. I shake with disapproval over the image’s unrealistic quality. However, part of me still wants to have a body like hers so that others will make similar comments to me.

I would like to resolve a silent issue that harms many teenagers and adults: negative self image and low self-esteem in a world where social media shapes how people view each other. When people see the façades others wear to create an “ideal” image, they can develop poor thought patterns rooted in negative self-talk. The constant comparisons to “perfect” others make people feel small. In this new digital age, it is hard to distinguish authentic from artificial representations.

When I was 11, I developed anorexia nervosa. Though I was already thin, I wanted to be skinny like the models that I saw on the magazine covers on the grocery store stands. Little did I know that those models probably also suffered from disorders, and that photoshop erased their flaws. I preferred being underweight to being healthy. No matter how little I ate or how thin I was, I always thought that I was too fat. I became obsessed with the number on the scale and would try to eat the least that I could without my parents urging me to take more. Fortunately, I stopped engaging in anorexic behaviors before middle school. However, my underlying mental habits did not change. The images that had provoked my disorder in the first place were still a constant presence in my life.

By age 15, I was in recovery from anorexia, but suffered from depression. While I used to only compare myself to models, the growth of social media meant I also compared myself to my friends and acquaintances. I felt left out when I saw my friends’ excitement about lake trips they had taken without me. As I scrolled past endless photos of my flawless, thin classmates with hundreds of likes and affirming comments, I felt my jealousy spiral. I wanted to be admired and loved by other people too. However, I felt that I could never be enough. I began to hate the way that I looked, and felt nothing in my life was good enough. I wanted to be called “perfect” and “body goals,” so I tried to only post at certain times of day to maximize my “likes.” When that didn’t work, I started to feel too anxious to post anything at all.  

Body image insecurities and social media comparisons affect thousands of people – men, women, children, and adults – every day. I am lucky – after a few months of my destructive social media habits, I came across a video that pointed out the illusory nature of social media; many Instagram posts only show off good things while people hide their flaws. I began going to therapy, and recovered from my depression. To address the problem of self-image and social media, we can all focus on what matters on the inside and not what is on the surface. As an effort to become healthy internally, I started a club at my school to promote clean eating and radiating beauty from within. It has helped me grow in my confidence, and today I’m not afraid to show others my struggles by sharing my experience with eating disorders. Someday, I hope to make this club a national organization to help teenagers and adults across the country. I support the idea of body positivity and embracing difference, not “perfection.” After all, how can we be ourselves if we all look the same?

This essay covers the difficult topics of eating disorders and mental health. If you’re thinking about covering similar topics in your essay, we recommend reading our post Should You Talk About Mental Health in College Essays?

The short answer is that, yes, you can talk about mental health, but it can be risky. If you do go that route, it’s important to focus on what you learned from the experience.

The strength of this essay is the student’s vulnerability, in excerpts such as this: I wanted to be admired and loved by other people too. However, I felt that I could never be enough. I began to hate the way that I looked, and felt nothing in my life was good enough. I wanted to be called “perfect” and “body goals,” so I tried to only post at certain times of day to maximize my “likes.”

The student goes on to share how they recovered from their depression through an eye-opening video and therapy sessions, and they’re now helping others find their self-worth as well. It’s great that this essay looks towards the future and shares the writer’s goals of making their club a national organization; we can see their ambition and compassion.

The main weakness of this essay is that it doesn’t focus enough on their recovery process, which is arguably the most important part. They could’ve told us more about the video they watched or the process of starting their club and the interactions they’ve had with other members. Especially when sharing such a vulnerable topic, there should be vulnerability in the recovery process too. That way, the reader can fully appreciate all that this student has overcome.

Essay Example #8: Becoming a Coach

”Advanced females ages 13 to 14 please proceed to staging with your coaches at this time.” Skittering around the room, eyes wide and pleading, I frantically explained my situation to nearby coaches. The seconds ticked away in my head; every polite refusal increased my desperation.

Despair weighed me down. I sank to my knees as a stream of competitors, coaches, and officials flowed around me. My dojang had no coach, and the tournament rules prohibited me from competing without one.

Although I wanted to remain strong, doubts began to cloud my mind. I could not help wondering: what was the point of perfecting my skills if I would never even compete? The other members of my team, who had found coaches minutes earlier, attempted to comfort me, but I barely heard their words. They couldn’t understand my despair at being left on the outside, and I never wanted them to understand.

Since my first lesson 12 years ago, the members of my dojang have become family. I have watched them grow up, finding my own happiness in theirs. Together, we have honed our kicks, blocks, and strikes. We have pushed one another to aim higher and become better martial artists. Although my dojang had searched for a reliable coach for years, we had not found one. When we attended competitions in the past, my teammates and I had always gotten lucky and found a sympathetic coach. Now, I knew this practice was unsustainable. It would devastate me to see the other members of my dojang in my situation, unable to compete and losing hope as a result. My dojang needed a coach, and I decided it was up to me to find one.

I first approached the adults in the dojang – both instructors and members’ parents. However, these attempts only reacquainted me with polite refusals. Everyone I asked told me they couldn’t devote multiple weekends per year to competitions. I soon realized that I would have become the coach myself.

At first, the inner workings of tournaments were a mystery to me. To prepare myself for success as a coach, I spent the next year as an official and took coaching classes on the side. I learned everything from motivational strategies to technical, behind-the-scenes components of Taekwondo competitions. Though I emerged with new knowledge and confidence in my capabilities, others did not share this faith.

Parents threw me disbelieving looks when they learned that their children’s coach was only a child herself. My self-confidence was my armor, deflecting their surly glances. Every armor is penetrable, however, and as the relentless barrage of doubts pounded my resilience, it began to wear down. I grew unsure of my own abilities.

Despite the attack, I refused to give up. When I saw the shining eyes of the youngest students preparing for their first competition, I knew I couldn’t let them down. To quit would be to set them up to be barred from competing like I was. The knowledge that I could solve my dojang’s longtime problem motivated me to overcome my apprehension.

Now that my dojang flourishes at competitions, the attacks on me have weakened, but not ended. I may never win the approval of every parent; at times, I am still tormented by doubts, but I find solace in the fact that members of my dojang now only worry about competing to the best of their abilities.

Now, as I arrive at a tournament with my students, I close my eyes and remember the past. I visualize the frantic search for a coach and the chaos amongst my teammates as we competed with one another to find coaches before the staging calls for our respective divisions. I open my eyes to the exact opposite scene. Lacking a coach hurt my ability to compete, but I am proud to know that no member of my dojang will have to face that problem again.

This essay begins with an in-the-moment narrative that really illustrates the chaos of looking for a coach last-minute. We feel the writer’s emotions, particularly her dejectedness, at not being able to compete. Starting an essay in media res  is a great way to capture the attention of your readers and build anticipation for what comes next.

Through this essay, we can see how gutsy and determined the student is in deciding to become a coach themselves. She shows us these characteristics through their actions, rather than explicitly telling us: To prepare myself for success as a coach, I spent the next year as an official and took coaching classes on the side.  Also, by discussing the opposition she faced and how it affected her, the student is open and vulnerable about the reality of the situation.

The essay comes full circle as the author recalls the frantic situations in seeking out a coach, but this is no longer a concern for them and their team. Overall, this essay is extremely effective in painting this student as mature, bold, and compassionate.

The biggest thing this essay needs to work on is showing not telling. Throughout the essay, the student tells us that she “emerged with new knowledge and confidence,” she “grew unsure of her own abilities,” and she “refused to give up”. What we really want to know is what this looks like.

Instead of saying she “emerged with new knowledge and confidence” she should have shared how she taught a new move to a fellow team-member without hesitation. Rather than telling us she “grew unsure of her own abilities” she should have shown what that looked like by including her internal dialogue and rhetorical questions that ran through her mind. She could have demonstrated what “refusing to give up” looks like by explaining how she kept learning coaching techniques on her own, turned to a mentor for advice, or devised a plan to win over the trust of parents. 

Essay Example #9: Eritrea

No one knows where Eritrea is.

On the first day of school, for the past nine years, I would pensively stand in front of a class, a teacher, a stranger  waiting for the inevitable question: Where are you from?

I smile politely, my dimples accentuating my ambiguous features. “Eritrea,” I answer promptly and proudly. But I  am always prepared. Before their expression can deepen into confusion, ready to ask “where is that,” I elaborate,  perhaps with a fleeting hint of exasperation, “East Africa, near Ethiopia.”

Sometimes, I single out the key-shaped hermit nation on a map, stunning teachers who have “never had a student  from there!” Grinning, I resist the urge to remark, “You didn’t even know it existed until two minutes ago!”

Eritrea is to the East of Ethiopia, its arid coastline clutches the lucrative Red Sea. Battle scars litter the ancient  streets – the colonial Italian architecture lathered with bullet holes, the mosques mangled with mortar shells.  Originally part of the world’s first Christian kingdom, Eritrea passed through the hands of colonial Italy, Britain, and  Ethiopia for over a century, until a bloody thirty year war of Independence liberated us.

But these are facts that anyone can know with a quick Google search. These are facts that I have memorised and compounded, first from my Grandmother and now from pristine books  borrowed from the library.

No historical narrative, however, can adequately capture what Eritrea is.  No one knows the aroma of bushels of potatoes, tomatoes, and garlic – still covered in dirt – that leads you to the open-air market. No one knows the poignant scent of spices, arranged in orange piles reminiscent of compacted  dunes.  No one knows how to haggle stubborn herders for sheep and roosters for Christmas celebrations as deliberately as my mother. No one can replicate the perfect balance of spices in dorho and tsebhi as well as my grandmother,  her gnarly hands stirring the pot with ancient precision (chastising my clumsy knife work with the potatoes).  It’s impossible to learn when the injera is ready – the exact moment you have to lift the lid of the mogogo. Do it too  early (or too late) and the flatbread becomes mangled and gross. It is a sixth sense passed through matriarchal  lineages.

There are no sources that catalogue the scent of incense that wafts through the sunlit porch on St. Michael’s; no  films that can capture the luminescence of hundreds of flaming bonfires that fluoresce the sidewalks on Kudus  Yohannes, as excited children chant Ge’ez proverbs whose origin has been lost to time.  You cannot learn the familiarity of walking beneath the towering Gothic figure of the Enda Mariam Cathedral, the  crowds undulating to the ringing of the archaic bells.  I have memorized the sound of the rains hounding the metal roof during kiremti , the heat of the sun pounding  against the Toyota’s window as we sped down towards Ghinda , the opulent brilliance of the stars twinkling in a  sky untainted by light pollution, the scent of warm rolls of bani wafting through the streets at precisely 6 o’clock each day…

I fill my flimsy sketchbook with pictures from my memory. My hand remembers the shapes of the hibiscus drifting  in the wind, the outline of my grandmother (affectionately nicknamed a’abaye ) leaning over the garden, the bizarre architecture of the Fiat Tagliero .  I dice the vegetables with movements handed down from generations. My nose remembers the scent of frying garlic, the sourness of the warm tayta , the sharpness of the mit’mt’a …

This knowledge is intrinsic.  “I am Eritrean,” I repeat. “I am proud.”  Within me is an encyclopedia of history, culture, and idealism.

Eritrea is the coffee made from scratch, the spices drying in the sun, the priests and nuns. Eritrea is wise, filled with ambition, and unseen potential.  Eritrea isn’t a place, it’s an identity.

This is an exceptional essay that provides a window into this student’s culture that really makes their love for their country and heritage leap off the page. The sheer level of details and sensory descriptors this student is able to fit in this space makes the essay stand out. From the smells, to the traditions, sounds, and sights, the author encapsulates all the glory of Eritrea for the reader. 

The vivid images this student is able to create for the reader, whether it is having the tedious conversation with every teacher or cooking in their grandmother’s kitchen, transports us into the story and makes us feel like we are there in the moment with the student. This is a prime example of an essay that shows , not tells.

Besides the amazing imagery, the use of shorter paragraphs also contributes to how engaging this essay is. Employing this tactic helps break up the text to make it more readable and it isolates ideas so they stick out more than if they were enveloped in a large paragraph.

Overall, this is a really strong essay that brings to life this student’s heritage through its use of vivid imagery. This essay exemplifies what it means to show not tell in your writing, and it is a great example of how you can write an intimate personal statement without making yourself the primary focus of your essay. 

There is very little this essay should improve upon, but one thing the student might consider would be to inject more personal reflection into their response. Although we can clearly take away their deep love and passion for their homeland and culture, the essay would be a bit more personal if they included the emotions and feelings they associate with the various aspects of Eritrea. For example, the way their heart swells with pride when their grandmother praises their ability to cook a flatbread or the feeling of serenity when they hear the bells ring out from the cathedral. Including personal details as well as sensory ones would create a wonderful balance of imagery and reflection.

Essay Example #10: Journaling

Flipping past dozens of colorful entries in my journal, I arrive at the final blank sheet. I press my pen lightly to the page, barely scratching its surface to create a series of loops stringing together into sentences. Emotions spill out, and with their release, I feel lightness in my chest. The stream of thoughts slows as I reach the bottom of the page, and I gently close the cover of the worn book: another journal finished.

I add the journal to the stack of eleven books on my nightstand. Struck by the bittersweet sensation of closing a chapter of my life, I grab the notebook at the bottom of the pile to reminisce.

“I want to make a flying mushen to fly in space and your in it” – October 2008

Pulling back the cover of my first Tinkerbell-themed diary, the prompt “My Hopes and Dreams” captures my attention. Though “machine” is misspelled in my scribbled response, I see the beginnings of my past obsession with outer space. At the age of five, I tore through novels about the solar system, experimented with rockets built from plastic straws, and rented Space Shuttle films from Blockbuster to satisfy my curiosities. While I chased down answers to questions as limitless as the universe, I fell in love with learning. Eight journals later, the same relentless curiosity brought me to an airplane descending on San Francisco Bay.

“I wish I had infinite sunsets” – July 2019

I reach for the charcoal notepad near the top of the pile and open to the first page: my flight to the Stanford Pre-Collegiate Summer Institutes. While I was excited to explore bioengineering, anxiety twisted in my stomach as I imagined my destination, unsure of whether I could overcome my shyness and connect with others.

With each new conversation, the sweat on my palms became less noticeable, and I met students from 23 different countries. Many of the moments where I challenged myself socially revolved around the third story deck of the Jerry house. A strange medley of English, Arabic, and Mandarin filled the summer air as my friends and I gathered there every evening, and dialogues at sunset soon became moments of bliss. In our conversations about cultural differences, the possibility of an afterlife, and the plausibility of far-fetched conspiracy theories, I learned to voice my opinion. As I was introduced to different viewpoints, these moments challenged my understanding of the world around me. In my final entries from California, I find excitement to learn from others and increased confidence, a tool that would later allow me to impact my community.

“The beauty in a tower of cans” – June 2020

Returning my gaze to the stack of journals, I stretch to take the floral-patterned book sitting on top. I flip through, eventually finding the beginnings of the organization I created during the outbreak of COVID-19. Since then, Door-to-Door Deliveries has woven its way through my entries and into reality, allowing me to aid high-risk populations through free grocery delivery.

With the confidence I gained the summer before, I took action when seeing others in need rather than letting my shyness hold me back. I reached out to local churches and senior centers to spread word of our services and interacted with customers through our website and social media pages. To further expand our impact, we held two food drives, and I mustered the courage to ask for donations door-to-door. In a tower of canned donations, I saw the value of reaching out to help others and realized my own potential to impact the world around me.

I delicately close the journal in my hands, smiling softly as the memories reappear, one after another. Reaching under my bed, I pull out a fresh notebook and open to its first sheet. I lightly press my pen to the page, “And so begins the next chapter…”

The structuring of this essay makes it easy and enjoyable to read. The student effectively organizes their various life experiences around their tower of journals, which centers the reader and makes the different stories easy to follow. Additionally, the student engages quotes from their journals—and unique formatting of the quotes—to signal that they are moving in time and show us which memory we should follow them to.

Thematically, the student uses the idea of shyness to connect the different memories they draw out of their journals. As the student describes their experiences overcoming shyness at the Stanford Pre-Collegiate Summer Institutes and Door-to-Door Deliveries, this essay can be read as an Overcoming Obstacles essay.

At the end of this essay, readers are fully convinced that this student is dedicated (they have committed to journaling every day), thoughtful (journaling is a thoughtful process and, in the essay, the student reflects thoughtfully on the past), and motivated (they flew across the country for a summer program and started a business). These are definitely qualities admissions officers are looking for in applicants!

Although this essay is already exceptionally strong as it’s written, the first journal entry feels out of place compared to the other two entries that discuss the author’s shyness and determination. It works well for the essay to have an entry from when the student was younger to add some humor (with misspelled words) and nostalgia, but if the student had either connected the quote they chose to the idea of overcoming a fear present in the other two anecdotes or if they had picked a different quote all together related to their shyness, it would have made the entire essay feel more cohesive.

Where to Get Your Personal Statement Edited

Do you want feedback on your personal statement? After rereading your essays countless times, it can be difficult to evaluate your writing objectively. That’s why we created our free Peer Essay Review tool , where you can get a free review of your essay from another student. You can also improve your own writing skills by reviewing other students’ essays. 

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

Next Step: Supplemental Essays

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How to Write a Stellar Extracurricular Activity College Essay

4 Tips for Writing a Diversity College Essay

How to Write the “Why This College” Essay

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Home / Essay Samples / Life / Personal Goals / The Best Thing I Ever Accomplished: My Greatest Achievement In Life

The Best Thing I Ever Accomplished: My Greatest Achievement In Life

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  • Topic: Personal Experience , Personal Goals , Personal Strengths

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