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My Experience of Growing Up with Divorced Parents

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Words: 407 |

Updated: 8 November, 2023

Words: 407 | Page: 1 | 3 min read

Works Cited

• Amato, P. R., & Kane, J. B. (2011). Life-course pathways and the psychosocial adjustment of children of divorce. Journal of Family Issues, 32(2), 153-171.
• Emery, R. E. (2019). Two homes, one childhood: A parenting plan to last a lifetime. Penguin.
• Fabricius, W. V., & Luecken, L. J. (2007). Postdivorce living arrangements, parent conflict, and long-term physical health correlates for children of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 195-205.
• Fine, M. A., & Fine, G. A. (2014). Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution. Routledge.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.
• Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Irwin, R. L., & Ryan, J. M. (2013). Counseling and divorce. Springer Science & Business Media.
• Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352-362.
• Wallerstein, J. S., Lewis, J. M., & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The unexpected legacy of divorce: The 25 year landmark study. Hachette UK.
• Walsh, F. (2016). Normal family processes: Growing diversity and complexity. Guilford Publications.

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Personal Narrative Essay : The Divorce Of My Parents

When I was younger, growing up was not always the easiest thing. From a young age, I was faced with the difficulty of having divorced parents. Most of my friends did not have to go through this struggle, so it was hard to explain why I could not always hang out with them every weekend. “I can’t, I’m at my mom’s this weekend”, became a phrase I used quite often. However, when I was small, I thought it was kind of cool in a way because I got two birthdays, two Christmases, and two vacations. Eventually, both of my parents remarried. My father remarried my stepmother who also had two children who were both older than I was, but younger than my brother. My mother remarried and then had two more children with him. 

I felt as a kid, I missed out on some opportunities that other kids my age got to experience. Also growing up it was not always easy watching your two parents not get along. As I got older, it was very difficult to be able to do everything that I wanted to because it would mess up our schedule that we had, which made my mother kind of upset. When my younger siblings were born, things started going downhill. We had to watch our younger siblings all of the time, and it was our responsibility to keep them entertained. My sister and I are about five years apart, and my younger brother and I are about six years apart. So keeping them entertained was kind of difficult since we were all children.

I thought growing up that the one “hard” thing I would have to deal with was my parents divorce, however that was wrong. My mother got divorced for the second time. This came as a shock to me. At this point, I hardly ever saw my younger siblings. Between me starting competitive gymnastics, school, and their different schedules it could go months without seeing them which was very hard for me as a kid. I noticed right after the divorce my mother did not seem like herself, but at the age of nine, I had figured it was just the stress from the divorce. As time went on, the things that were happening continued. For example, she would cancel a weekend here and there or she would have friends over the whole weekend barely making time for us. However after one weekend, we quickly realized what it was.

It was Halloween in 2015 and it was my mother’s weekend. I was ten, my oldest brother was fifteen, my younger sister was six, and my youngest brother was five. My father told us to go downtown to the Trunk or Treat in town, so we could see friends and still go trick or treating. We were downtown for about twenty minutes before we left, and did not get to see my father who was expecting to see us dressed up. Earlier in the day, my mother and I were planning my eleventh birthday party since it was in two weeks. However, the topic changed quickly when we were talking about our plans for the rest of the night. My mother talked in a very serious tone about what we were doing. She made very strict rules of what we could do. At the time I did not realize what was going on until later. My mother had taken my siblings and I to an “adult” party. 

The day after everything had happened I was still very confused. When my mother was taking me and my brother back to our fathers, she had specifically told us not to tell him what had happened, and to say after we went downtown we went back home. As we got in the car with our father, he already knew what had happened. Still as a young child I did not understand anything that was truthfully happening. My brother had explained to me that our mother had some deeper lying issues that turned her to drugs and alcohol. Even at the age of ten I knew those things were bad, and they could have seriously harmed me or my siblings. My father was furious with my mother, as he had every right to be because she had potentially endangered me and my siblings lives by being there at a young age. My father was granted full custody of my brother and I, after it was taken to court.

As a child having to experience things like this made it very difficult to talk to my friends at some points. Every once and a while I would leave school early to have to talk to someone, but when my friends asked I simply said that I had some kind of appointment. It was very hard for me to be able to come to terms with the fact that my mother would not be a part of my life. I struggled with this for a while, and I kind of started shutting people out because I did not know how to express my feelings, and I did not know how to feel. I was angry, upset, hurt, and so many more feelings that confused me at a young age. I had also convinced myself that somehow it was my fault, and that I had done something wrong for things to end up the way that they had.

Six years later, I have come to terms with this. I have understood that there was nothing I did or could have done to cause this. Sure, every once in a while I will get upset over it but it will happen. I have also realized that I have an amazing support system, and that I can talk to anyone whenever I need to. I have an amazing family that has helped every step of the way, my friends have always been there for me whenever I needed them, my boyfriend who has become a big part of my life who I can call any hour of the day if I needed him. I know many people are not blessed with having such a great support system, but I am very fortunate to have one, and for that I am forever grateful.

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Personal Narrative: My Experience With Divorced Parents Essay

When I was five years old, my parents got divorced. Through the separation process, and some years after, my parents fought a lot. They sometimes brought my 2 sisters and I into it, which was really frustrating. Growing up with parents who are divorced has been a struggle for me throughout my life. It’s hard to put into words my experience and ongoing trials I go through with divorced parents. My parents met when my mom was in her early twenties and my dad was thirty. They got married a couple years following the time they started dating.

Shortly after getting married, they had my older sister Maddy, then me, and after that they had my younger sister Cassie. I can clearly remember us being a happy family. I had the best parents who worked as a team. We did a lot of stuff together as a family, gardening, playing outside, and staying active. We lived in a big house off of 85th in Green Lake, Seattle. I remember being young when the fighting started, yelling and screaming. It scared my sisters and me a lot. No one wants to witness their parents fighting as a kid.

When I was five, Maddy seven, and Cassie three, our parents got divorced. Once the process was finished, my mom got custody of us and took us to live in a house with her. My dad stayed at our house in Ballard and we moved into a house with my mom and her new boyfriend, which is also whose baby she was carrying. Over the next few years, we had been back and forth between both parents. I remember I sometimes hated leaving my mom and dad. I wished I could be with both of them at the same time. Me and my sisters lived in a new house in Everett, with our then new Step dad, Mom, and baby sister Meghan.

Whenever we went over to my dads, there was always something my parents were fighting about, whether it involved us or not, we would always get an earful from both of them. This point of their separation really affected me the most. I didn’t realize until I got older that we should have never been exposed to that part of their lives, considering how young we were. Another part of their divorce was dealing with a step dad I’ve never been fond of, and neither were my sisters. It was somewhat of a culture shock, him growing up in Mexico, and for us, as we began living with a guy who wasn’t even our dad.

I would always ask my mom why she couldn’t have married someone else. Someone we liked. My step dad was the type of guy who only cared about his “real” children, not us. It became a constant struggle for attention from my Mom. When we were young, my sister and I were treated like maids around the house when my step dad was around. He is honestly one of the main reasons why the divorce was so heartbreaking for me and my siblings. I feel as if my mom had married someone who supported her and loved her unconditionally; it would have made more of a positive impact during this hard time in our life.

Later on, around fourteen or fifteen years of age, I saw my dad slip away from me. I saw him less and less every month. This crushed me; I didn’t understand it at all. Once I got to high school, I never saw my dad. I would try to think of the last time | had seen him and I couldn’t even remember when it was. My dad had lost both of his parents in the last year and I always had this feeling he had never moved on from the divorce. My dad has always been stubborn and I think he has always held onto that part of his life. How could you not?

I remember my dad had told me when I was in middle school, that he had been an alcoholic . He said he drank a lot when he was young but stopped once he had kids. Shortly after realizing how little I saw my dad, I started getting phone calls and texts from family members, saying they had smelled alcohol on his breath. When I heard this, I was crushed. I didn’t believe them; I was so mad at them for telling me that. I thought to myself how my dad could choose alcohol over his daughters. I think somehow over the next years of high school I just pretended he doesn’t exist.

I did this because as a young teen, I should not have had to constantly worry about my dad. After a couple of years knowing about his drinking, my sisters and I found out he got a DUI. I hated him; I was shocked and didn’t understand why he would go down this road and do this to himself. We finally had to confront him about his drinking. Me and my sisters told him we wouldn’t be seeing him if he continued going down the wrong path. He has been sober ever since then. His actions are inexcusable but I believe they were the repercussions of divorce.

This shows just how serious divorce is and what problems it causes in people’s lives. Today, I still go through phases where I think about what life would be like if they never got separated. I constantly compare my family to others with married parents. Dealing with divorce hasn’t been easy to deal with, but it’s normal for me now, something you get used to. Which sounds crazy, but it is the way I have to think to be happy. Divorce has been challenging for me and I don’t think it will ever get easier. To be able to move on my life, I just have to think more positively about the situation .

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Personal Narrative: My Experience With Divorced Parents Essay

When I was five years old, my parents got divorced. Through the separation process, and some years after, my parents fought a lot. They sometimes brought my 2 sisters and I into it, which was really frustrating. Growing up with parents who are divorced has been a struggle for me throughout my life. It’s hard to put into words my experience and ongoing trials I go through with divorced parents.

My parents met when my mom was in her early twenties and my dad was thirty. They got married a couple years following the time they started dating. Shortly after getting married, they had my older sister Maddy, then me, and after that they had my younger sister Cassie. I can clearly remember us being a happy family. I had the best parents who worked as a team. We did a lot of stuff together as a family, gardening, playing outside, and staying active. We lived in a big house off of 85th in Green Lake, Seattle.

I remember being young when the fighting started, yelling and screaming. It scared my sisters and me a lot. No one wants to witness their parents fighting as a kid. When I was five, Maddy seven, and Cassie three, our parents got divorced. Once the process was finished, my mom got custody of us and took us to live in a house with her. My dad stayed at our house in Ballard and we moved into a house with my mom and her new boyfriend, which is also whose baby she was carrying.

Over the next few years, we had been back and forth between both parents. I remember I sometimes hated leaving my mom and dad. I wished I could be with both of them at the same time. Me and my sisters lived in a new house in Everett, with our then new Step dad, Mom, and baby sister Meghan. Whenever we went over to my dads, there was always something my parents were fighting about, whether it involved us or not, we would always get an earful from both of them.

This point of their separation really affected me the most. I didn’t realize until I got older that we should have never been exposed to that part of their lives, considering how young we were. Another part of their divorce was dealing with a step dad I’ve never been fond of, and neither were my sisters. It was somewhat of a culture shock, him growing up in Mexico, and for us, as we began living with a guy who wasn’t even our dad. I would always ask my mom why she couldn’t have married someone else.

Someone we liked. My step dad was the type of guy who only cared about his “real” children, not us. It became a constant struggle for attention from my Mom. When we were young, my sister and I were treated like maids around the house when my step dad was around. He is honestly one of the main reasons why the divorce was so heartbreaking for me and my siblings. I feel as if my mom had married someone who supported her and loved her unconditionally; it would have made more of a positive impact during this hard time in our life.

Later on, around fourteen or fifteen years of age, I saw my dad slip away from me. I saw him less and less every month. This crushed me; I didn’t understand it at all. Once I got to high school, I never saw my dad. I would try to think of the last time I had seen him and I couldn’t even remember when it was. My dad had lost both of his parents in the last year and I always had this feeling he had never moved on from the divorce. My dad has always been stubborn and I think he has always held onto that part of his life.

How could you not? I remember my dad had told me when I was in middle school, that he had been an alcoholic. He said he drank a lot when he was young but stopped once he had kids. Shortly after realizing how little I saw my dad, I started getting phone calls and texts from family members, saying they had smelled alcohol on his breath. When I heard this, I was crushed. I didn’t believe them; I was so mad at them for telling me that. I thought to myself how my dad could choose alcohol over his daughters. I think somehow over the next years of high school I just pretended he doesn’t exist.

I did this because as a young teen, I should not have had to constantly worry about my dad. After a couple of years knowing about his drinking, my sisters and I found out he got a DUI. I hated him; I was shocked and didn’t understand why he would go down this road and do this to himself. We finally had to confront him about his drinking. Me and my sisters told him we wouldn’t be seeing him if he continued going down the wrong path. He has been sober ever since then. His actions are inexcusable but I believe they were the repercussions of divorce. This shows just how serious divorce is and what problems it causes in people’s lives.

Today, I still go through phases where I think about what life would be like if they never got separated. I constantly compare my family to others with married parents. Dealing with divorce hasn’t been easy to deal with, but it’s normal for me now, something you get used to. Which sounds crazy, but it is the way I have to think to be happy. Divorce has been challenging for me and I don’t think it will ever get easier. To be able to move on my life, I just have to think more positively about the situation.

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Your chance of acceptance, your chancing factors, extracurriculars, how to write a college essay about divorced parents.

Hi all, my parents recently got divorced and it's had a big impact on my life. I want to write about it in my college essay, but I don't want it to sound too negative. Any advice on how to approach this topic and share my story in a meaningful way?

When writing a college essay about your parents' divorce, it's important to focus on personal growth and development rather than the negativity of the situation. Here are some tips to help you approach this topic in a meaningful way:

1. Focus on your growth: Highlight how the experience of your parents getting divorced has led to personal growth or development. Perhaps you learned valuable lessons about resilience, independence, or empathy from the situation. Show how these qualities have made you a stronger person and will benefit you in your future academic and personal pursuits.

2. Share a specific personal anecdote: Avoid talking about your parents' divorce in general terms. Instead, focus on a specific event or moment from your life that illustrates the impact of the divorce on you. This will make your essay more engaging and relatable to the reader.

3. Balance positivity and realism: While it's important not to dwell on the negative aspects of your parents' divorce, you also want to be honest about the challenges you faced. Try to strike a balance between acknowledging the adversity you've been through and emphasizing the positive growth or realizations that emerged from the situation.

4. Demonstrate self-awareness: Being introspective about how the experience has shaped you is crucial. Show that you have a deep understanding of your emotions, thoughts, and reactions throughout the process. This shows maturity and self-awareness, which are qualities that colleges value in their applicants.

5. Relate the experience to your goals: Explain how your parents' divorce and the lessons you learned from it have influenced your academic, career, or life goals. This will help the reader understand the significance of your story and see how it's relevant to your aspirations.

6. Proofread and revise: Finally, make sure to revise, proofread, and seek feedback from a trusted teacher, counselor, or mentor to ensure your essay is well-written and effectively conveys your message.

By focusing on your personal growth, sharing a specific anecdote, balancing positivity with realism, demonstrating self-awareness, and relating your experience to your goals, you can write a meaningful college essay about your parents' divorce that will resonate with admissions officers.

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CollegeVine’s Q&A seeks to offer informed perspectives on commonly asked admissions questions. Every answer is refined and validated by our team of admissions experts to ensure it resonates with trusted knowledge in the field.

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Daughters of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup

It’s no longer up to others to help you bounce back from your parents’ divorce. It can no longer be about their attitudes or behavior. It’s time for you to create change in your life and move forward.

By Terry Gaspard Updated: March 24, 2022 Categories: Children and Divorce , Divorce Recovery

Today, more than 40 percent of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 40 are children of divorce . For decades, researchers have identified the risk factors that parental divorce brings to their children. Recently, many studies have examined the impact of parental breakup on children into adulthood, and also the factors that promote resiliency.

In my research, published in The Journal of Divorce and Remarriage , I discovered that young adult women have unique vulnerabilities after their parents’ divorce than can impact their self-esteem and trust in partners, and create both a fear of commitment and longing for security in intimate relationships.

My interest in studying divorce began with my own experience. Divorce runs in my family and I believe that my parents’ breakup cast a shadow over my young adult romantic relationships. As a result, I was fearful of repeating the cycle of divorce and fearful to commit to partners, even ones who could have been a good fit for me. It was a weird mix. I was fearful of commitment yet stayed in toxic relationships too long due to fear of being abandoned.

Daughters of Divorce

My research results support the view that many daughters of divorce, as compared to sons, have a tendency to be pessimistic about intimate relationships lasting. This can cause them to have a fear of commitment. Further, daughters of divorce are more than twice as likely to divorce themselves, when compared to their counterparts raised in intact homes.

During my interviews of 320 young adult women, for my book Daughters of Divorce , I asked respondents to describe their experiences growing up in a divided home, and to identify their most prominent memories – such as their belief about why their parents divorced and whose fault it was. They were also asked to answer questions such as: “What is the most difficult part of a romantic relationship for you?” During these interviews, I was able to identify some key emotional challenges faced by daughters of divorce in my sample and they are listed below.

• Trouble trusting romantic partners
• Damaged or lowered self-esteem
• Issues with intimacy and commitment
• Extreme self-reliance or independence
• Persistent doubts about the stability of present relationships
• A father-daughter wound

The Road to Healing

My findings support the view that the road to healing for daughters of divorce begins by identifying your divorce experience now that you are an adult. Truth be told, experiencing divorce as a child can make you more careful about who you select as a partner as an adult. This can emerge as a signature strength.

As a daughter of divorce, you understand the fragility of love, yet can maintain a respect for its sacred place in your life. Growing up, Megan would observe her parents’ frequent arguments (that were abusive at times), and tell herself that she wanted to marry someone who respected her opinion and would love and cherish her.

Megan put it like this: “I love my parents, but they were unable to manage conflict and compromise. My dad put my mom down a lot, which caused her to withdraw, and they grew further and further apart.”

For instance, Megan, 36, has learned some valuable lessons from her parents’ high conflict marriage and subsequent divorce. She has taken some time to heal and examine her thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs about herself and relationships. As a result, she selected a partner who reassures her when she is mistrustful, and who is faithful and reliable. Josh, 38, brings out the best in Megan because he doesn’t blame her for her insecurities and mistrust. Instead, he reminds her that he is there for her every day.

Megan reflects: “Know your partner inside and out before you marry. Know yourself before you commit to someone. Be sure you help each other strive for the best, bring out the positive qualities in each other, and be certain to grow together.” During our last counseling session, Megan told me that they are eager to start a family together because she feels reassured about Josh’s love and devotion to her.

Fortunately, Megan has discovered that she can change self-defeating patterns in relationships and not repeat the patterns of her parents . Instead of being paralyzed with fear and shame, Megan is learning to be vulnerable with Josh and ask for what she needs to feel secure. This is helping her to build trust and intimacy in her marriage.

With increased awareness, you can also learn to recognize the forces that shape your choices in partners and build healthier relationships that are long-lasting. Taking a risk on love with a suitable partner can enable you to gain confidence and self-love . In fact, your parents’ divorce can be the catalyst to make you stronger, more realistic, and better prepared for the requirements of a loving and respectful partnership.

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• You and Your Parents
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How to Deal With Your Parents' Divorce

Last Updated: April 1, 2024 Approved

Emotional Processing

Lifestyle adjustments, future conflict navigation, expert q&a.

This article was co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA . Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015. There are 8 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 80% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 195,715 times.

Dealing with your parents getting a divorce is never easy. You will have to confront a lot of new emotions, adjust to many different changes in your life, and maybe deal with conflicts and arguments between your parents. Reaching out for support when you need it and being flexible will help make the transition much easier. It may seem like the end of the world right now, but it will get better!

• You may be even more likely to blame yourself for the divorce if your parents get you involved in their conflicts or if they seem to hold it against you for caring about the other parent. No matter what they say or do, it is important to remember that you did not initiate these conflicts and that you have the right to love both of your parents.
• If your parents ever say something to make you feel like the divorce is your fault, talk to them about it. They may have not really meant what they said at all. Try to keep in mind that this is a stressful time for your parents and they are not perfect. [1] X Research source

• If you have siblings, they are going through the same thing that you are going through, so be there for each other.
• You may not want to talk to all of your friends about your parents' divorce. Choose one or two close confidants who will understand your situation and be compassionate. Chances are some of your friends have also dealt with a divorce.

• Let them know how you're feeling and what you're worried about.
• If you have questions about how the divorce will affect your future, ask! Even if your parents don't know the answer, this will give you the opportunity to have an open conversation about what will happen next.

• You may want to talk to a social worker or psychologist. If you don't know one, ask your doctor for a referral.
• Your school may have counselors who are available to talk with you about personal issues.
• There are also support groups specifically designed for children and adolescents who are dealing with their parents' divorces. You may be able to find a group at your school or in your local community.

• If you are struggling with self-destructive behavior, it's important to get professional counseling right away. You need to learn healthier ways to deal with your emotions so you will not feel the need to harm yourself.

• Journaling helps many people sort through their feelings and relieve stress.
• Physical activities like playing sports or going for walks are excellent for reducing stress.
• Other hobbies may also relieve stress simply by getting your mind off of your parents' divorce. Try doing an art project or socializing with friends.

• You and your parents will need to come up with a schedule that allows you spend time with both parents, but does not interfere too much with your other responsibilities and commitments.
• Tell your parents how you really feel about the custody arrangement, especially if something about it isn't working for you. They may be willing to make adjustments to the schedule to help make it easier for you. [6] X Research source

• Try to look at the situation in a positive way. You can see it as an opportunity to meet new people and try new things.
• While you should definitely try to make new friends if you're moving to a new area, you should also keep in touch with your old friends. Even if you don't get to see them every day anymore, you can keep in touch with them over the phone and on social media, and they can offer you a lot of support as you adjust to your new life.

• Try not to worry too much about your family's finances. If you have specific concerns, such as how your parents will pay for your college education, don't be afraid to bring up the subject with them.

• If your parents remarry, you may find yourself living with a step-parent, and maybe even step-siblings. If this happens to you, do your best to get to know your new family members and form a relationship with them. While it may not always be easy, being welcoming to them and trying to find common interests will make the transition much easier.
• If you're ever uncomfortable with someone who one of your parents is dating, or if you have questions about how the relationship will affect you, don't be afraid to talk to your parent about it. When doing this, be kind and respectful instead of accusing your parent of trying to hurt you by dating.

• For recurring events, like sports games, you may arrange for your parents to alternate their attendance. This way, both of them will get to see you play and there will always be someone there to cheer you on, but they will never have to be at the game together.
• You may have to arrange to do some things twice. For example, it may work out better to have two separate birthday parties with each of your parents instead of trying to have them both come to one party.
• In some cases, you parents may have no choice but to attend the same event. For example, if you are graduating from high school, they will probably both want to attend the ceremony. In this case, talk to them ahead of time about being civil to one another and arrange for them to sit separately.

• Try to maintain a relationship with both parents. Even if you live primarily with one parent, make an effort to stay in touch with the other one.
• If your parents try to make you choose sides, let them know that you want to maintain a healthy relationship with both of your parents.

• Make it very clear that you do not want to be caught in the middle of their arguments.

• If a parent depends on you for support more than you are comfortable with, try to think of other people who he or she may be able to confide in. If there are no close friends or family members for the parent to talk to, suggest professional counseling.
• Try to keep in mind that the divorce is just as hard for your parents as it is for you. They may need help dealing with their emotions, just like you might.

• Don’t choose sides, and don't let your parents try to force you to choose either. It is a form of manipulation that will only cause harm in the end. Remain as neutral as possible, but feel free to still love both your parents. Thanks Helpful 93 Not Helpful 16
• Try to avoid isolating yourself. It will be much easier to deal with all of your emotions when you have the support of loved ones. Thanks Helpful 79 Not Helpful 25

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• ↑ http://iamachildofdivorce.com/what-should-i-do-when-my-parents-say-bad-things-about-each-other/
• ↑ http://youngwomenshealth.org/2012/04/30/divorce/
• ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201211/divorced-parents-kids-should-decide-where-they-livecustody
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/teen-angst/201008/so-youre-the-new-kid-the-block-how-address-the-pressure-and-adjustment-moving
• ↑ http://www.safeteens.org/relationships/dealing-with-divorce/

About This Article

To deal with your parents' divorce, understand that the divorce is happening because of issues between them and is not your fault in any way. Next, acknowledge your feelings and avoid suppressing them, since it's completely normal to have strong and even confusing emotions during this time. It's also best to avoid taking sides in your parents' conflicts, and staying neutral will be much easier on you emotionally. If you need to, talk to your parents or someone else you trust about your feelings so you don't have to shoulder them alone. For tips on preparing yourself for possible lifestyle changes after the divorce, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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• World Psychiatry
• v.18(1); 2019 Feb

Parental divorce or separation and children's mental health

Brian d'onofrio.

1 Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences, Indiana University, Bloomington, IN, USA

2 Department of Medical Epidemiology and Biostatistics, Karolinska Institutet, Stockholm, Sweden

Robert Emery

3 Department of Psychology, University of Virginia, Charlottesville, VA, USA

An increasing number of children across the world experience family instability due to divorce/separation and the consequences of non‐marital childbearing/cohabitation 1 .

Alternatives to stable marriage are most common in Western countries (including Australia and New Zealand) and less common but growing in industrializing Asia. Cohabitation, which is more unstable than marriage, is especially common in Northern and Western Europe, necessarily lowering rates of divorce but not of single‐parent households.

The US has been a “leader” in family change with an early (rising in the late 1960s) and high increase in divorce, followed by an explosion in non‐marital birth with or without cohabitation. Divorce increased in most other Western nations a decade or two later; industrializing Asia appears to be in the midst of change. Today, only about 60% of US children live with their married, biological parents, a low second only to Latvia.

Some call family instability a major public health problem for children; others see divorce/separation as relatively innocuous, even a positive change, especially for women in unhappy marriages or children exposed to high conflict.

Research has documented that parental divorce/separation is associated with an increased risk for child and adolescent adjustment problems, including academic difficulties (e.g., lower grades and school dropout), disruptive behaviors (e.g., conduct and substance use problems), and depressed mood 2 .

Offspring of divorced/separated parents are also more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, live in poverty, and experience their own family instability. Risk typically increases by a factor between 1.5 and 2.

Still, most children whose parents divorce are resilient and exhibit no obvious psychological problems. It is important to recognize, however, that even resilient young people from divorced families often report painful feelings or encounters, such as worrying about events like graduations or weddings when both parents will be present 3 .

Many associated risk factors – for example, lower income and parent conflict – are linked with non‐random selection into family stability and/or are consequences of family break‐up. To help rule out potential confounds, researchers have used a variety of methods, including measuring covariates and employing designs, such as children‐of‐twin studies, that account for unmeasured environmental and genetic factors that could influence both generations 2 , 4 . Controls for such confounds reduce but do not eliminate the risk tied to parental divorce, consistent with causal inference.

A wealth of research also points to factors mediating the association, including less effective parenting, interparental conflict, economic struggles, and limited contact with one parent, typically the father (listed in decreasing order of the magnitude of their relation with children's mental health) 5 . Marital instability presents not a single risk factor, but a cascade of sequelae for children.

Individual, family, ethnic and cultural factors moderate the risks associated with changes in children's family life, underscoring the importance of recognizing family diversity. In the US, for example, parental separation is associated with more socioemotional problems among white children than black or Hispanic children 2 . Acceptance of alternatives to marriage and extended family support contribute to such ethnic variation.

Understanding family change and its consequences is critical to health care professionals across numerous settings. Physicians treating children may observe warning signs, be asked to help children cope with family transitions, or face parental disputes about a child's well‐being or needed treatment. Schools encounter similar opportunities and difficulties.

Children and adult offspring of separated parents are over‐represented in the mental health system. Most mental health interventions target the known mediators of risk, such as parenting problems or family conflict. Structured interventions offering parenting support and education have been shown to reduce children's psychological problems 6 . Unfortunately, few mental health interventions for divorcing families have been carefully studied.

Separation/divorce also raises legal concerns bearing on the well‐being and custody of children. The “best interests of children” is the prevailing custody standard, and “best” typically is interpreted in psychological terms (as opposed to, for example, economic ones). Mental health professionals and others may become involved, willingly or unwillingly, as expert witnesses in custody contests. Alternatively, some professionals promote or offer alternative dispute resolution, such as mediation.

Mediators are neutral third parties who help parents living apart to resolve disputes themselves. In addition to dispute settlement, mediation potentially benefits children by lowering conflict, improving parenting, and encouraging both parents to remain an active presence in their children's lives. One randomized trial with a 12‐year follow‐up demonstrated that mediation produced all of these outcomes relative to litigation 5 , 7 . Another randomized study found that carefully involving children in the process improved the success of mediation 7 .

While initial results are promising, mediation and many other legal and mental health interventions demand rigorous study, as well‐intentioned services may have no effect or may even be harmful for some individuals, while wasting limited resources 8 .

Mental health professionals also can play a critical role in advising parents, and perhaps in the development of law and policy. One controversial issue is how strongly, and under what circumstances, to promote joint physical custody, sharing 25‐50% parenting time 9 . Joint legal custody, which involves legally sharing important decisions, including elective medical care, is becoming ubiquitous. It has increased in the US and in many Western countries, but still typically comprises a minority of separated families (from 15 to 50% across countries) 9 . Fathers groups are currently advocating for a universal 50/50 shared time presumption.

While such agreements may benefit numerous families, many experts, including ourselves, worry that such a presumption may offer the “right” solution for the wrong group of parents: the 10% or fewer who contest custody in court 5 . Other concerns we share include avoiding extensive time away from attachment figures among very young children, avoiding placing excessive travel demands on children in order to share parenting time across long distances, whether shared time needs to be precisely 50/50, and if some child mental health problems (e.g., autism spectrum) or personality (e.g., high conscientiousness) make shared custody less likely to work 5 .

There is, therefore, a critical need for studies on interventions, including policy changes, that consider the risks, role of resiliency, and heterogeneity in the consequences associated with family instability.

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Putting Divorce into Context in Your Applications

October 4, 2019

Applications

After years of working with students, I’ve seen that dealing with divorce as a part of the college process can be challenging for students. While many family separations are amicable or mutually chosen, many others contain feelings of loss, grief, anger and sadness . If you are a student who has faced the challenges presented by divorced parents in any way, this blog is for you!

In my last two blogs ( Part 1 / Part 2 ), I gave advice to divorced families regarding finances and the college search process . Making sure your family understands their financial plan and has a good process in place can help things go much more smoothly. However, when it comes to filling out the application, you – the student – will be faced with clearly explaining how divorce affected you.

For many students, the timing of a parents’ divorce could not be worse – when it happens during high school, it can distract you from activities, destabilize your financial support, impede on your emotional support system, and/or a hamper your studies right when grades are most important . Even if it happened several years ago, you may still be struggling with the reshuffling of your life. In these cases, it is important that you explain this to colleges. Here are three of the best ways to do that.

1) You can write about these circumstances in the additional information section of the Common Application . This section allows you to write up to 650 words “if you wish to provide details of circumstances or qualifications not reflected in the application.” When writing a summary of your parents’ divorce, keep it fairly factual (as opposed to highly emotional), and point clearly to how the circumstances of divorce impacted your application – primarily academic work and extracurricular activities. Typically, you would want an explanation for this section to be shorter than your main essay, so around 150-300 words, but you can use as much space as needed, and should, when appropriate. I recommend doing this when circumstances dictate, as you have little to lose and everything to gain, even if you don’t want to “whine” or “ask for pity” as many of my students say.

  2) Write your main Common Application essay about your parents’ divorce. I am very cautious to recommend this strategy, but it can be effective for some students. The primary problem with writing about a highly emotional or traumatic event in your life is that you haven’t always fully processed the event. This makes it very difficult to gain the needed perspective. Frequently, students end up writing with less skill, more difficulty, and less cohesion, because they are trying to explain an experience that taps deep emotions, particularly negative ones. So, how to decide if this is an appropriate topic for your essay? First, decide if writing about this event gives admissions readers unique insight into who you are. Second, ask yourself if this topic will provide better insights about who you are than all other possible topics. Third, make time to write in a journaling style, and then, get feedback from a trusted adult about whether the thoughts present you well and add to the strength of your application.

3) Finally, your school counselor recommendation is another appropriate place for colleges to learn about family circumstances that might have affected your application to college. If you have experienced challenges related to divorce, be sure to communicate those to your counselor. For example, after your parents split up, you might not have been able to visit a particular college to demonstrate interest. You could need more time for your college search , have less time to devote to extracurricular activities because of your living situation, have gone through a period of time where your academics were affected negatively, or have had to get a job. Regardless of the circumstance, be sure to set a meeting with your counselor to fully explain the circumstances and why you’d like them to be included in the letter. Your counselor can help contextualize your circumstances in the school recommendation letter or forms.

While divorce presents challenges for many students, I’ve also worked with many students who found strengths, hopes, or new opportunities because of the change of circumstance in their lives. Living through a challenge can cause you to become more mature or more flexible. Further, it can introduce more support people – such as stepparents – into your life. Look for those positives and emphasize those in your applications, so colleges will see you gaining self reliance, optimism, and strength.

Divorce Blog Part 1

Divorce Blog Part 2

Nicole has dedicated the entirety of her 20 year career to encouraging higher education opportunities. After graduating from Vanderbilt, she worked in her alma mater’s admissions office. The, she completed her PhD in Counseling so she could bring that expertise into college counseling. Nicole partnered with her former Vanderbilt colleague, Fitz Totten, to form Find The Right College and support their mission to make trustworthy advising more accessible.

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