age gap relationship essay

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• The Case for Marrying an Older Man

A woman’s life is all work and little rest. An age gap relationship can help.

In the summer, in the south of France, my husband and I like to play, rather badly, the lottery. We take long, scorching walks to the village — gratuitous beauty, gratuitous heat — kicking up dust and languid debates over how we’d spend such an influx. I purchase scratch-offs, jackpot tickets, scraping the former with euro coins in restaurants too fine for that. I never cash them in, nor do I check the winning numbers. For I already won something like the lotto, with its gifts and its curses, when he married me.

He is ten years older than I am. I chose him on purpose, not by chance. As far as life decisions go, on balance, I recommend it.

When I was 20 and a junior at Harvard College, a series of great ironies began to mock me. I could study all I wanted, prove myself as exceptional as I liked, and still my fiercest advantage remained so universal it deflated my other plans. My youth. The newness of my face and body. Compellingly effortless; cruelly fleeting. I shared it with the average, idle young woman shrugging down the street. The thought, when it descended on me, jolted my perspective, the way a falling leaf can make you look up: I could diligently craft an ideal existence, over years and years of sleepless nights and industry. Or I could just marry it early.

So naturally I began to lug a heavy suitcase of books each Saturday to the Harvard Business School to work on my Nabokov paper. In one cavernous, well-appointed room sat approximately 50 of the planet’s most suitable bachelors. I had high breasts, most of my eggs, plausible deniability when it came to purity, a flush ponytail, a pep in my step that had yet to run out. Apologies to Progress, but older men still desired those things.

I could not understand why my female classmates did not join me, given their intelligence. Each time I reconsidered the project, it struck me as more reasonable. Why ignore our youth when it amounted to a superpower? Why assume the burdens of womanhood, its too-quick-to-vanish upper hand, but not its brief benefits at least? Perhaps it came easier to avoid the topic wholesale than to accept that women really do have a tragically short window of power, and reason enough to take advantage of that fact while they can. As for me, I liked history, Victorian novels, knew of imminent female pitfalls from all the books I’d read: vampiric boyfriends; labor, at the office and in the hospital, expected simultaneously; a decline in status as we aged, like a looming eclipse. I’d have disliked being called calculating, but I had, like all women, a calculator in my head. I thought it silly to ignore its answers when they pointed to an unfairness for which we really ought to have been preparing.

I was competitive by nature, an English-literature student with all the corresponding major ambitions and minor prospects (Great American novel; email job). A little Bovarist , frantic for new places and ideas; to travel here, to travel there, to be in the room where things happened. I resented the callow boys in my class, who lusted after a particular, socially sanctioned type on campus: thin and sexless, emotionally detached and socially connected, the opposite of me. Restless one Saturday night, I slipped on a red dress and snuck into a graduate-school event, coiling an HDMI cord around my wrist as proof of some technical duty. I danced. I drank for free, until one of the organizers asked me to leave. I called and climbed into an Uber. Then I promptly climbed out of it. For there he was, emerging from the revolving doors. Brown eyes, curved lips, immaculate jacket. I went to him, asked him for a cigarette. A date, days later. A second one, where I discovered he was a person, potentially my favorite kind: funny, clear-eyed, brilliant, on intimate terms with the universe.

I used to love men like men love women — that is, not very well, and with a hunger driven only by my own inadequacies. Not him. In those early days, I spoke fondly of my family, stocked the fridge with his favorite pasta, folded his clothes more neatly than I ever have since. I wrote his mother a thank-you note for hosting me in his native France, something befitting a daughter-in-law. It worked; I meant it. After graduation and my fellowship at Oxford, I stayed in Europe for his career and married him at 23.

Of course I just fell in love. Romances have a setting; I had only intervened to place myself well. Mainly, I spotted the precise trouble of being a woman ahead of time, tried to surf it instead of letting it drown me on principle. I had grown bored of discussions of fair and unfair, equal or unequal , and preferred instead to consider a thing called ease.

The reception of a particular age-gap relationship depends on its obviousness. The greater and more visible the difference in years and status between a man and a woman, the more it strikes others as transactional. Transactional thinking in relationships is both as American as it gets and the least kosher subject in the American romantic lexicon. When a 50-year-old man and a 25-year-old woman walk down the street, the questions form themselves inside of you; they make you feel cynical and obscene: How good of a deal is that? Which party is getting the better one? Would I take it? He is older. Income rises with age, so we assume he has money, at least relative to her; at minimum, more connections and experience. She has supple skin. Energy. Sex. Maybe she gets a Birkin. Maybe he gets a baby long after his prime. The sight of their entwined hands throws a lucid light on the calculations each of us makes, in love, to varying degrees of denial. You could get married in the most romantic place in the world, like I did, and you would still have to sign a contract.

Twenty and 30 is not like 30 and 40; some freshness to my features back then, some clumsiness in my bearing, warped our decade, in the eyes of others, to an uncrossable gulf. Perhaps this explains the anger we felt directed at us at the start of our relationship. People seemed to take us very, very personally. I recall a hellish car ride with a friend of his who began to castigate me in the backseat, in tones so low that only I could hear him. He told me, You wanted a rich boyfriend. You chased and snuck into parties . He spared me the insult of gold digger, but he drew, with other words, the outline for it. Most offended were the single older women, my husband’s classmates. They discussed me in the bathroom at parties when I was in the stall. What does he see in her? What do they talk about? They were concerned about me. They wielded their concern like a bludgeon. They paraphrased without meaning to my favorite line from Nabokov’s Lolita : “You took advantage of my disadvantage,” suspecting me of some weakness he in turn mined. It did not disturb them, so much, to consider that all relationships were trades. The trouble was the trade I’d made struck them as a bad one.

The truth is you can fall in love with someone for all sorts of reasons, tiny transactions, pluses and minuses, whose sum is your affection for each other, your loyalty, your commitment. The way someone picks up your favorite croissant. Their habit of listening hard. What they do for you on your anniversary and your reciprocal gesture, wrapped thoughtfully. The serenity they inspire; your happiness, enlivening it. When someone says they feel unappreciated, what they really mean is you’re in debt to them.

When I think of same-age, same-stage relationships, what I tend to picture is a woman who is doing too much for too little.

I’m 27 now, and most women my age have “partners.” These days, girls become partners quite young. A partner is supposed to be a modern answer to the oppression of marriage, the terrible feeling of someone looming over you, head of a household to which you can only ever be the neck. Necks are vulnerable. The problem with a partner, however, is if you’re equal in all things, you compromise in all things. And men are too skilled at taking .

There is a boy out there who knows how to floss because my friend taught him. Now he kisses college girls with fresh breath. A boy married to my friend who doesn’t know how to pack his own suitcase. She “likes to do it for him.” A million boys who know how to touch a woman, who go to therapy because they were pushed, who learned fidelity, boundaries, decency, manners, to use a top sheet and act humanely beneath it, to call their mothers, match colors, bring flowers to a funeral and inhale, exhale in the face of rage, because some girl, some girl we know, some girl they probably don’t speak to and will never, ever credit, took the time to teach him. All while she was working, raising herself, clawing up the cliff-face of adulthood. Hauling him at her own expense.

I find a post on Reddit where five thousand men try to define “ a woman’s touch .” They describe raised flower beds, blankets, photographs of their loved ones, not hers, sprouting on the mantel overnight. Candles, coasters, side tables. Someone remembering to take lint out of the dryer. To give compliments. I wonder what these women are getting back. I imagine them like Cinderella’s mice, scurrying around, their sole proof of life their contributions to a more central character. On occasion I meet a nice couple, who grew up together. They know each other with a fraternalism tender and alien to me.  But I think of all my friends who failed at this, were failed at this, and I think, No, absolutely not, too risky . Riskier, sometimes, than an age gap.

My younger brother is in his early 20s, handsome, successful, but in many ways: an endearing disaster. By his age, I had long since wisened up. He leaves his clothes in the dryer, takes out a single shirt, steams it for three minutes. His towel on the floor, for someone else to retrieve. His lovely, same-age girlfriend is aching to fix these tendencies, among others. She is capable beyond words. Statistically, they will not end up together. He moved into his first place recently, and she, the girlfriend, supplied him with a long, detailed list of things he needed for his apartment: sheets, towels, hangers, a colander, which made me laugh. She picked out his couch. I will bet you anything she will fix his laundry habits, and if so, they will impress the next girl. If they break up, she will never see that couch again, and he will forget its story. I tell her when I visit because I like her, though I get in trouble for it: You shouldn’t do so much for him, not for someone who is not stuck with you, not for any boy, not even for my wonderful brother.

Too much work had left my husband, by 30, jaded and uninspired. He’d burned out — but I could reenchant things. I danced at restaurants when they played a song I liked. I turned grocery shopping into an adventure, pleased by what I provided. Ambitious, hungry, he needed someone smart enough to sustain his interest, but flexible enough in her habits to build them around his hours. I could. I do: read myself occupied, make myself free, materialize beside him when he calls for me. In exchange, I left a lucrative but deadening spreadsheet job to write full-time, without having to live like a writer. I learned to cook, a little, and decorate, somewhat poorly. Mostly I get to read, to walk central London and Miami and think in delicious circles, to work hard, when necessary, for free, and write stories for far less than minimum wage when I tally all the hours I take to write them.

At 20, I had felt daunted by the project of becoming my ideal self, couldn’t imagine doing it in tandem with someone, two raw lumps of clay trying to mold one another and only sullying things worse. I’d go on dates with boys my age and leave with the impression they were telling me not about themselves but some person who didn’t exist yet and on whom I was meant to bet regardless. My husband struck me instead as so finished, formed. Analyzable for compatibility. He bore the traces of other women who’d improved him, small but crucial basics like use a coaster ; listen, don’t give advice. Young egos mellow into patience and generosity.

My husband isn’t my partner. He’s my mentor, my lover, and, only in certain contexts, my friend. I’ll never forget it, how he showed me around our first place like he was introducing me to myself: This is the wine you’ll drink, where you’ll keep your clothes, we vacation here, this is the other language we’ll speak, you’ll learn it, and I did. Adulthood seemed a series of exhausting obligations. But his logistics ran so smoothly that he simply tacked mine on. I moved into his flat, onto his level, drag and drop, cleaner thrice a week, bills automatic. By opting out of partnership in my 20s, I granted myself a kind of compartmentalized, liberating selfishness none of my friends have managed. I am the work in progress, the party we worry about, a surprising dominance. When I searched for my first job, at 21, we combined our efforts, for my sake. He had wisdom to impart, contacts with whom he arranged coffees; we spent an afternoon, laughing, drawing up earnest lists of my pros and cons (highly sociable; sloppy math). Meanwhile, I took calls from a dear friend who had a boyfriend her age. Both savagely ambitious, hyperclose and entwined in each other’s projects. If each was a start-up , the other was the first hire, an intense dedication I found riveting. Yet every time she called me, I hung up with the distinct feeling that too much was happening at the same time: both learning to please a boss; to forge more adult relationships with their families; to pay bills and taxes and hang prints on the wall. Neither had any advice to give and certainly no stability. I pictured a three-legged race, two people tied together and hobbling toward every milestone.

I don’t fool myself. My marriage has its cons. There are only so many times one can say “thank you” — for splendid scenes, fine dinners — before the phrase starts to grate. I live in an apartment whose rent he pays and that shapes the freedom with which I can ever be angry with him. He doesn’t have to hold it over my head. It just floats there, complicating usual shorthands to explain dissatisfaction like, You aren’t being supportive lately . It’s a Frenchism to say, “Take a decision,” and from time to time I joke: from whom? Occasionally I find myself in some fabulous country at some fabulous party and I think what a long way I have traveled, like a lucky cloud, and it is frightening to think of oneself as vapor.

Mostly I worry that if he ever betrayed me and I had to move on, I would survive, but would find in my humor, preferences, the way I make coffee or the bed nothing that he did not teach, change, mold, recompose, stamp with his initials, the way Renaissance painters hid in their paintings their faces among a crowd. I wonder if when they looked at their paintings, they saw their own faces first. But this is the wrong question, if our aim is happiness. Like the other question on which I’m expected to dwell: Who is in charge, the man who drives or the woman who put him there so she could enjoy herself? I sit in the car, in the painting it would have taken me a corporate job and 20 years to paint alone, and my concern over who has the upper hand becomes as distant as the horizon, the one he and I made so wide for me.

To be a woman is to race against the clock, in several ways, until there is nothing left to be but run ragged.

We try to put it off, but it will hit us at some point: that we live in a world in which our power has a different shape from that of men, a different distribution of advantage, ours a funnel and theirs an expanding cone. A woman at 20 rarely has to earn her welcome; a boy at 20 will be turned away at the door. A woman at 30 may find a younger woman has taken her seat; a man at 30 will have invited her. I think back to the women in the bathroom, my husband’s classmates. What was my relationship if not an inconvertible sign of this unfairness? What was I doing, in marrying older, if not endorsing it? I had taken advantage of their disadvantage. I had preempted my own. After all, principled women are meant to defy unfairness, to show some integrity or denial, not plan around it, like I had. These were driven women, successful, beautiful, capable. I merely possessed the one thing they had already lost. In getting ahead of the problem, had I pushed them down? If I hadn’t, would it really have made any difference?

When we decided we wanted to be equal to men, we got on men’s time. We worked when they worked, retired when they retired, had to squeeze pregnancy, children, menopause somewhere impossibly in the margins. I have a friend, in her late 20s, who wears a mood ring; these days it is often red, flickering in the air like a siren when she explains her predicament to me. She has raised her fair share of same-age boyfriends. She has put her head down, worked laboriously alongside them, too. At last she is beginning to reap the dividends, earning the income to finally enjoy herself. But it is now, exactly at this precipice of freedom and pleasure, that a time problem comes closing in. If she would like to have children before 35, she must begin her next profession, motherhood, rather soon, compromising inevitably her original one. The same-age partner, equally unsettled in his career, will take only the minimum time off, she guesses, or else pay some cost which will come back to bite her. Everything unfailingly does. If she freezes her eggs to buy time, the decision and its logistics will burden her singly — and perhaps it will not work. Overlay the years a woman is supposed to establish herself in her career and her fertility window and it’s a perfect, miserable circle. By midlife women report feeling invisible, undervalued; it is a telling cliché, that after all this, some husbands leave for a younger girl. So when is her time, exactly? For leisure, ease, liberty? There is no brand of feminism which achieved female rest. If women’s problem in the ’50s was a paralyzing malaise, now it is that they are too active, too capable, never permitted a vacation they didn’t plan. It’s not that our efforts to have it all were fated for failure. They simply weren’t imaginative enough.

For me, my relationship, with its age gap, has alleviated this rush , permitted me to massage the clock, shift its hands to my benefit. Very soon, we will decide to have children, and I don’t panic over last gasps of fun, because I took so many big breaths of it early: on the holidays of someone who had worked a decade longer than I had, in beautiful places when I was young and beautiful, a symmetry I recommend. If such a thing as maternal energy exists, mine was never depleted. I spent the last nearly seven years supported more than I support and I am still not as old as my husband was when he met me. When I have a child, I will expect more help from him than I would if he were younger, for what does professional tenure earn you if not the right to set more limits on work demands — or, if not, to secure some child care, at the very least? When I return to work after maternal upheaval, he will aid me, as he’s always had, with his ability to put himself aside, as younger men are rarely able.

Above all, the great gift of my marriage is flexibility. A chance to live my life before I become responsible for someone else’s — a lover’s, or a child’s. A chance to write. A chance at a destiny that doesn’t adhere rigidly to the routines and timelines of men, but lends itself instead to roomy accommodation, to the very fluidity Betty Friedan dreamed of in 1963 in The Feminine Mystique , but we’ve largely forgotten: some career or style of life that “permits year-to-year variation — a full-time paid job in one community, part-time in another, exercise of the professional skill in serious volunteer work or a period of study during pregnancy or early motherhood when a full-time job is not feasible.” Some things are just not feasible in our current structures. Somewhere along the way we stopped admitting that, and all we did was make women feel like personal failures. I dream of new structures, a world in which women have entry-level jobs in their 30s; alternate avenues for promotion; corporate ladders with balconies on which they can stand still, have a smoke, take a break, make a baby, enjoy themselves, before they keep climbing. Perhaps men long for this in their own way. Actually I am sure of that.

Once, when we first fell in love, I put my head in his lap on a long car ride; I remember his hands on my face, the sun, the twisting turns of a mountain road, surprising and not surprising us like our romance, and his voice, telling me that it was his biggest regret that I was so young, he feared he would lose me. Last week, we looked back at old photos and agreed we’d given each other our respective best years. Sometimes real equality is not so obvious, sometimes it takes turns, sometimes it takes almost a decade to reveal itself.

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That Viral Essay Wasn’t About Age Gaps. It Was About Marrying Rich.

But both tactics are flawed if you want to have any hope of becoming yourself..

Women are wisest, a viral essay in New York magazine’s the Cut argues , to maximize their most valuable cultural assets— youth and beauty—and marry older men when they’re still very young. Doing so, 27-year-old writer Grazie Sophia Christie writes, opens up a life of ease, and gets women off of a male-defined timeline that has our professional and reproductive lives crashing irreconcilably into each other. Sure, she says, there are concessions, like one’s freedom and entire independent identity. But those are small gives in comparison to a life in which a person has no adult responsibilities, including the responsibility to become oneself.

This is all framed as rational, perhaps even feminist advice, a way for women to quit playing by men’s rules and to reject exploitative capitalist demands—a choice the writer argues is the most obviously intelligent one. That other Harvard undergraduates did not busy themselves trying to attract wealthy or soon-to-be-wealthy men seems to flummox her (taking her “high breasts, most of my eggs, plausible deniability when it came to purity, a flush ponytail, a pep in my step that had yet to run out” to the Harvard Business School library, “I could not understand why my female classmates did not join me, given their intelligence”). But it’s nothing more than a recycling of some of the oldest advice around: For women to mold themselves around more-powerful men, to never grow into independent adults, and to find happiness in a state of perpetual pre-adolescence, submission, and dependence. These are odd choices for an aspiring writer (one wonders what, exactly, a girl who never wants to grow up and has no idea who she is beyond what a man has made her into could possibly have to write about). And it’s bad advice for most human beings, at least if what most human beings seek are meaningful and happy lives.

But this is not an essay about the benefits of younger women marrying older men. It is an essay about the benefits of younger women marrying rich men. Most of the purported upsides—a paid-for apartment, paid-for vacations, lives split between Miami and London—are less about her husband’s age than his wealth. Every 20-year-old in the country could decide to marry a thirtysomething and she wouldn’t suddenly be gifted an eternal vacation.

Which is part of what makes the framing of this as an age-gap essay both strange and revealing. The benefits the writer derives from her relationship come from her partner’s money. But the things she gives up are the result of both their profound financial inequality and her relative youth. Compared to her and her peers, she writes, her husband “struck me instead as so finished, formed.” By contrast, “At 20, I had felt daunted by the project of becoming my ideal self.” The idea of having to take responsibility for her own life was profoundly unappealing, as “adulthood seemed a series of exhausting obligations.” Tying herself to an older man gave her an out, a way to skip the work of becoming an adult by allowing a father-husband to mold her to his desires. “My husband isn’t my partner,” she writes. “He’s my mentor, my lover, and, only in certain contexts, my friend. I’ll never forget it, how he showed me around our first place like he was introducing me to myself: This is the wine you’ll drink, where you’ll keep your clothes, we vacation here, this is the other language we’ll speak, you’ll learn it, and I did.”

These, by the way, are the things she says are benefits of marrying older.

The downsides are many, including a basic inability to express a full range of human emotion (“I live in an apartment whose rent he pays and that constrains the freedom with which I can ever be angry with him”) and an understanding that she owes back, in some other form, what he materially provides (the most revealing line in the essay may be when she claims that “when someone says they feel unappreciated, what they really mean is you’re in debt to them”). It is clear that part of what she has paid in exchange for a paid-for life is a total lack of any sense of self, and a tacit agreement not to pursue one. “If he ever betrayed me and I had to move on, I would survive,” she writes, “but would find in my humor, preferences, the way I make coffee or the bed nothing that he did not teach, change, mold, recompose, stamp with his initials.”

Reading Christie’s essay, I thought of another one: Joan Didion’s on self-respect , in which Didion argues that “character—the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life—is the source from which self-respect springs.” If we lack self-respect, “we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out—since our self-image is untenable—their false notions of us.” Self-respect may not make life effortless and easy. But it means that whenever “we eventually lie down alone in that notoriously un- comfortable bed, the one we make ourselves,” at least we can fall asleep.

It can feel catty to publicly criticize another woman’s romantic choices, and doing so inevitably opens one up to accusations of jealousy or pettiness. But the stories we tell about marriage, love, partnership, and gender matter, especially when they’re told in major culture-shaping magazines. And it’s equally as condescending to say that women’s choices are off-limits for critique, especially when those choices are shared as universal advice, and especially when they neatly dovetail with resurgent conservative efforts to make women’s lives smaller and less independent. “Marry rich” is, as labor economist Kathryn Anne Edwards put it in Bloomberg, essentially the Republican plan for mothers. The model of marriage as a hierarchy with a breadwinning man on top and a younger, dependent, submissive woman meeting his needs and those of their children is not exactly a fresh or groundbreaking ideal. It’s a model that kept women trapped and miserable for centuries.

It’s also one that profoundly stunted women’s intellectual and personal growth. In her essay for the Cut, Christie seems to believe that a life of ease will abet a life freed up for creative endeavors, and happiness. But there’s little evidence that having material abundance and little adversity actually makes people happy, let alone more creatively generativ e . Having one’s basic material needs met does seem to be a prerequisite for happiness. But a meaningful life requires some sense of self, an ability to look outward rather than inward, and the intellectual and experiential layers that come with facing hardship and surmounting it.

A good and happy life is not a life in which all is easy. A good and happy life (and here I am borrowing from centuries of philosophers and scholars) is one characterized by the pursuit of meaning and knowledge, by deep connections with and service to other people (and not just to your husband and children), and by the kind of rich self-knowledge and satisfaction that comes from owning one’s choices, taking responsibility for one’s life, and doing the difficult and endless work of growing into a fully-formed person—and then evolving again. Handing everything about one’s life over to an authority figure, from the big decisions to the minute details, may seem like a path to ease for those who cannot stomach the obligations and opportunities of their own freedom. It’s really an intellectual and emotional dead end.

And what kind of man seeks out a marriage like this, in which his only job is to provide, but very much is owed? What kind of man desires, as the writer cast herself, a raw lump of clay to be molded to simply fill in whatever cracks in his life needed filling? And if the transaction is money and guidance in exchange for youth, beauty, and pliability, what happens when the young, beautiful, and pliable party inevitably ages and perhaps feels her backbone begin to harden? What happens if she has children?

The thing about using youth and beauty as a currency is that those assets depreciate pretty rapidly. There is a nearly endless supply of young and beautiful women, with more added each year. There are smaller numbers of wealthy older men, and the pool winnows down even further if one presumes, as Christie does, that many of these men want to date and marry compliant twentysomethings. If youth and beauty are what you’re exchanging for a man’s resources, you’d better make sure there’s something else there—like the basic ability to provide for yourself, or at the very least a sense of self—to back that exchange up.

It is hard to be an adult woman; it’s hard to be an adult, period. And many women in our era of unfinished feminism no doubt find plenty to envy about a life in which they don’t have to work tirelessly to barely make ends meet, don’t have to manage the needs of both children and man-children, could simply be taken care of for once. This may also explain some of the social media fascination with Trad Wives and stay-at-home girlfriends (some of that fascination is also, I suspect, simply a sexual submission fetish , but that’s another column). Fantasies of leisure reflect a real need for it, and American women would be far better off—happier, freer—if time and resources were not so often so constrained, and doled out so inequitably.

But the way out is not actually found in submission, and certainly not in electing to be carried by a man who could choose to drop you at any time. That’s not a life of ease. It’s a life of perpetual insecurity, knowing your spouse believes your value is decreasing by the day while his—an actual dollar figure—rises. A life in which one simply allows another adult to do all the deciding for them is a stunted life, one of profound smallness—even if the vacations are nice.

Does Age Matter in Relationships? Essay

Relationships, like love come in a variety of forms. It is not uncommon to find two people of different generations falling in love. There are those who argue that age gaps in relationships matter. Yet there are those who believe that age is insignificant.

To them, love transcends all boundaries and should not be overshadowed by minor details like age gap. This paper will consider the argument that age does not matter in a relationship. It will begin by giving reasons why age should not be considered when getting into a relationship as long as one of the partners is not a minor. It will end by giving an alternative view of the subject.

There are several factors that contribute to the success of a relationship. First, a strong relationship should be based on trust. Trust is among the most important values in a relationship. The same cannot be said of age. While age may confer an advantage to a relationship, it cannot be the basis upon which a relationship is built.

Emphasis on age gap can lead to a situation in which two people who belong to the same age bracket enter into a dysfunctional relationship. Compatibility in a relationship is superior to age difference (Drefahl 318). People who intend to have a serious relationship ought to focus on trust. It is like glue in a relationship. Without trust, many relationships may not survive the test of time.

Second, love is an important component of a healthy relationship. People often fall in love with people who have similar interests. In this case, interests bring them closer to each other. Interest appears to precede love but is not an alternative. Age is not normally considered as a pre-requisite to getting into a relationship. It has been argued that age is just a numerical expression of a point in time.

However, love is almost always considered to be an important part of a relationship. This may be because love is linked to other aspects of a relationship like respect and responsibility. Those in love are more likely to respect their partners. Therefore, age gap should not be emphasized because it does not contribute to the development of desirable qualities. Age gap consideration cannot replace love and respect.

Age on its own does not define a person; character does. Character is the sum of all unique traits that an individual has. These traits attract partners to each other. While age may influence how people respond to some situations, it does not constitute a crucial part of character. Relationships are founded on the characters of both partners. Each partner has unique traits that complement those of the other partner.

The selection happens subconsciously in most cases. However, focus on age gap is a conscious undertaking that requires energy. Generally, many people select their partners based on character and not age gap between them. People with a significant age gap may have complementary characters. If the characters are complementary, the individuals should be able to function in a relationship.

Often, relationships are anchored on future aspirations of the partners. When looking for a partner, people often consider their ability to meet life time goals. The achievement of these goals is inevitably affected by the kind of partner one chooses. People look for a partner who is likely to assist them to achieve the goals. This ability is not age dependent.

The age gap between the partners in some cases may be beneficial to the younger partner. The younger partner may get invaluable advice from the older partner on how to approach life’s challenges. However, it is important to note that this may be a source of conflict in a relationship.

If the older partner is not willing to assist the younger partner, it may lead to frustration and mistrust. Therefore, as long as the partners are willing to help each other to meet their future expectations, their relationship is bound to grow and mature.

Another benefit associated with an age gap in relationships is maturity that the older partner is likely to bring into the relationship. This is an important trait especially when it comes to conflict resolution. An older partner is likely to look at things objectively. This may enrich the relationship in the long run.

However, it is important to note at this point that maturity does not necessarily come with advancing age. It is not uncommon to find young people who display a high level of maturity. It is also possible to find a grownup who does not act maturely. In a relationship, maturity ensures that the partners do not blow out of proportion day to day challenges.

Alternative views hold that age matters in relationships. Several arguments supporting this view have been put forward. First, an age gap creates a mismatch of various aspects of life (Kolk 2). The mismatch is greater when the age gap is big. The most common areas of mismatch include marriage, career, children and time. The older partner may have gone through all these stages.

This creates significant difficulty for the younger partner. Communication may be affected by this mismatch. In some cases, one partner has previously been married and already has children. This is an area of potential conflict because a young partner who has not married before may want children (Wilson & Smallwood 19). However, it has to be stated that mismatch is not unique to couples who have an age gap.

Another argument that has been used to oppose age gaps in relationships is quality of life in old age. If the age gap is significant one partner will be going through old age while the other will be in middle age. This diverts attention from love and affection to care and maintenance.

The older partner may require specialized medical attention. This may also result in depletion of resources. However, it should be noted that illness is not restricted to old age. Other people may also get ill. Therefore, an age gap does not necessarily predispose a relationship to these problems.

This paper considered the argument that age does not matter in relationships. It is not uncommon to find a relationship with a significant age gap. Relationships are founded on the principles of love and acceptance. Love ensures that the partners live in harmony. Another important ingredient in relationships is trust. Trust is not age dependent. In addition, age does not define individuals.

Character should be given priority over age difference. The future aspirations of the partners should also play an important role in the choice of a partner. Opponents of age gaps in relationships argue that age gaps create a mismatch in aspirations.

Works Cited

Drefahl, Sven. “How Does the Age Gap Between Partners Affect Their Survival?” Demography . 47.2(2010): 313–326. Web.

Kolk, Martin. 2012. Age differences between couples in Sweden . Web.

Wilson, Ben & Steve Smallwood. “Age differences at marriage and divorce.” Population Trends 132(2008): 17-25. Web.

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Mind the gap – does age difference in relationships matter?

Associate professor in Social Psychology / Relationship Science, Deakin University

Disclosure statement

Gery Karantzas receives funding from the Australian Research Council. He is also the founder of www.relationshipscienceonline.com .

Deakin University provides funding as a member of The Conversation AU.

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Romantic couples with a large age gap often raise eyebrows. Studies have found partners with more than a ten-year gap in age experience social disapproval. But when it comes to our own relationships, both men and women prefer someone their own age, but are open to someone 10-15 years their junior or senior.

While there is variation across cultures in the size of the difference in age-gap couples, all cultures demonstrate the age-gap couple phenomenon . In some non-Western countries, the average age gap is much larger than in Western countries. For example, in some African countries about 30% of unions reflect a large age gap.

So does age matter? And do couples with large age gaps experience poorer (or better) relationship outcomes compared to couples of similar ages?

Read more: Relationship reality TV: entertainment masquerading as science

How many relationships have a big age gap?

Across Western countries, about 8% of all married heterosexual couples can be classified as having a large age gap (ten years or more). These generally involve older men partnered with younger women. About 1% of age-gap couples involve an older woman partnered with a younger man.

The limited evidence on same-sex couples, however, suggests the prevalence rates are higher . About 25% of male-male unions and 15% of female-female unions demonstrate a large age gap.

But what these trends tell us is that the majority of the population is likely to partner with someone of similar age. This largely has to do with having social circles that generally include peers of similar ages and being attracted to others who are similar. Similarity entails many things, including personality, interests and values, life goals and stage of life, and physical traits (age being a marker of physical appearance).

Why doesn’t age matter to some?

Many of the reasons proposed for age-gap couples have been largely rooted in evolutionary explanations, and focus on explaining older man-younger woman pairings.

From this perspective, it’s thought men’s preferences for younger women and women’s preferences for older men relate to reproductive fitness. That is, the extent to which someone has “good genes” – indicated by their attractiveness and sense of energy (also known as vitality) – and the extent to which they are a “good investment” – indicated by their status and resources as well as their warmth and sense of trust.

Read more: The science of romance – can we predict a breakup?

Although men and women place importance on a partner who is warm and trustworthy, women place more importance on the status and resources of their male partner. This is largely because, with women being the child bearers, the investment is very high on their behalf (time and effort in child bearing and rearing). So they are attuned to looking for a partner who will also invest resources into a relationship and family.

But because the building of resources takes time, we tend to acquire resources later in life and so are older by the time we have acquired enough wealth and resources to comfortably provide for others. So, women’s attunement to status and resources might explain why some women may be attracted to older men.

In contrast, there’s evidence to suggest men value attractiveness and vitality more than women because, from an evolutionary standpoint, youth is seen as an indicator of fertility. Given men cannot bear children, evolution suggests they’re attuned to younger women to enhance the chances of partnering with someone who can provide children.

But the evolutionary explanation is limited in that it doesn’t explain why the reverse occurs (an older woman-younger man pairing), or why age gaps exist within same-sex couples. For this, socio-cultural explanations might provide insights.

With more women working, in higher positions and being paid more, they no longer have such a reliance on men for resources. So fewer women will prioritise resources when looking for a mate.

As for same-sex couples, there’s very little research. Some suggest a lack of , or a reduced pool of, suitable age-similar mates may bring about same-sex coupling with large age differences.

What are the relationship outcomes for age-gap couples?

Many people assume that age-gap couples fare poorly when it comes to relationship outcomes. But some studies find the relationship satisfaction reported by age-gap couples is higher. These couples also seem to report greater trust and commitment and lower jealousy than similar-age couples. Over three-quarters of couples where younger women are partnered with older men report satisfying romantic relationships.

Read more: It’s not just sex: why people have affairs, and how to deal with them

A factor that does impact on the relationship outcomes of age-gap couples is their perceptions of social disapproval. That is, if people in age-gap couples believe their family, friends and wider community disapprove of their union, then relationship commitment decreases and the risk of break-up increases.

These effects appear to apply to heterosexual and same-sex couples. So the negative outcomes for age-gap couples seem to reside not in problems within the couple, but in pressures and judgments from the outside world.

Another factor at play may have to do with the stage of life each partner is experiencing. For instance, a ten-year gap between a 20-year-old and a 30-year-old may bring up different challenges and issues than for a ten-year gap where one partner is 53 and the other is 63.

This is because our lives are made up of different stages, and each stage consists of particular life tasks we need to master. And we give priority to the mastery of different tasks during these distinct stages of our lives . So when each member of a couple straddles a different life stage, it may be difficult for the couple to reconcile each other’s differing life needs and goals.

Does age matter?

The success of a relationship depends on the extent to which partners share similar values, beliefs and goals about their relationship; support each other in achieving personal goals; foster relationship commitment, trust and intimacy; and resolve problems in constructive ways. These factors have little do with age.

So the reality is, while an age gap may bring about some challenges for couples, so long as couples work at their relationship, age should be no barrier.

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My Partner Is More Than 15 Years Older Than Me—Here’s How We Make It Work

Age isn’t just a number—it’s one of many factors to acknowledge in a healthy relationship.

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As I learned, we were perfectly aligned when it came to what we wanted in life: dogs, marriage, children, time to write, travel , and meaningful work. Having dated a string of men my age who weren’t ready to settle down yet, I was excited to meet someone who was on the same page as me.

Still, that blank space in our conversation nagged at me, so much so I eventually Googled him to figure out how old he was. An old essay he’d written revealed that our age difference was more than 15 years. By the time I was born, he was probably already off to college, I thought.

.css-1i46m0l{font-family:AvantGarde,AvantGarde-roboto,AvantGarde-local,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:1.625rem;line-height:1.1;margin:0rem;}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-1i46m0l{font-size:1.875rem;line-height:1.1;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-1i46m0l{font-size:1.875rem;line-height:1.1;}}.css-1i46m0l b,.css-1i46m0l strong{font-family:inherit;font-weight:bold;}.css-1i46m0l em,.css-1i46m0l i{font-style:italic;font-family:inherit;} “If you have shared values and respect each other, it doesn’t matter what your age difference is.”

A few dates in, I knew that I was quickly falling for Ronan, but I had to wonder what I was comfortable with when it came to an age gap in a serious relationship. Clearly, maturity was relative (dating guys my age tended to make me feel much older than I was), but other factors like life stage, financial stability, and health, among others, changed significantly with age.

While I gushed to my friends and family about Ronan, I didn’t tell them exactly how old he was because I was afraid of being judged. When I did finally tell my parents, my dad told me to look at divorce statistics—age wasn’t just a number.

But are the odds really stacked against you?

Today, about 8.5% of couples have an age gap of 10 years or more, and oft-cited studies show they tend to become less satisfied with their marriage faster and are more likely to divorce compared to couples who are closer in age.

However, there can be benefits to an age gap too: Some couples (specifically, younger women paired with older men) are more satisfied than their similarly-aged counterparts, one study finds. So-called "cougars" report feeling freer to explore their sexuality with younger partners and the majority of their relationships become long-term (rather than "just flings"), find studies in the Journal of Sex Research and the Journal of Marriage and Family .

“In general, you have to look at each relationship on a case-by-case basis,” says Jill A. Murray, Ph.D. , a licensed psychotherapist and author whose husband is 10 years younger than her.

Sometimes it’s the response to the relationship that’s the problem.

While people generally say they’re open to a relationship with someone outside their age range, they also tend to prejudge (and as a result, dislike) other people in age-gap relationships, finds recent research in the journal Current Psychology .

“Based on my research, the biggest challenge age-gap couples face is dealing with stigma and social approval,” says Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. , a sex and psychology research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the book Tell Me What You Want . In fact, a lack of support from close family and friends is a key predictor of whether or not an age-gap couple will break up or stick it out.

This isn’t to say that age-gap relationships can’t or won’t last—they absolutely can and do, says Lehmiller. For Ronan and me, the key was to understand how our age difference did (and didn’t) affect our lives together, regardless of what other people thought.

Here, a few ways to deal with an age difference in your relationship, with insight from relationship experts.

1. Be honest about your expectations.

From day one, I let Ronan know that I wanted children and marriage because I knew that these were important (and often non-negotiable) life decisions, especially when you have an age difference. (Remember when Monica and Richard broke up in Friends after she realized he never wanted to have children with her?)

Telling your partner exactly what you want and expect from your relationship can help you figure out what you’re truly up for taking on together and if your life plans are ultimately compatible. Be clear from the start, and you’ll avoid letting each other down or breaking up over miscommunications about the future, says Murray.

2. Ignore the critics—but have some patience too.

When comments and jokes about “robbing the cradle” or “daddy issues” come up, the best response is often no response, says Murray. Give them your best Mona Lisa smile, change the subject, or just leave the conversation, she suggests. After all, it’s your relationship, not anyone else’s, and they’re just trying to get under your skin.

Still, keep in mind that you might get some pushback simply because people aren’t familiar or experienced with age-gap relationships—so they defer to stereotypes. “What this means is that as people get to know you and your partner and come to realize you’re actually perfectly normal people with a normal relationship, the stigma may start to dissipate,” says Lehmiller. This was true for me: Given some time, my dad came to respect my relationship and warm up to my partner, and the ‘age issue’ hasn’t come up in years.

3. Consider the good and bad sides of your age difference.

“When someone hits you with unsolicited advice on your relationship, whatever it is, it’s up to you to see if there’s even a little kernel of truth that you and your partner (or just you) can address,” says Murray. Early on, my dad’s mention of divorce statistics was upsetting to me, but it forced me to look at my relationship from an unbiased perspective, which can be a good thing, says Murray.

To take an inventory of your relationship, write out a list of things you feel good about and things you don’t feel so good about (or would rather not think about), she suggests. When I did this a few months into my relationship with Ronan, I realized I was insecure about being younger (he had more life experience and a more solid career!). As difficult as it was, being honest with myself helped me get to the next step: actually dealing with my anxiety.

4. Share your concerns.

“To navigate an age-gap relationship successfully, it’s important for couples to have open communication and be willing to discuss difficult topics rather than avoid them,” says Lehmiller. If you’re worried or stressed about something age-related or otherwise, tell your partner how you feel and why. For example, “I feel anxious because I’m worried you’ll leave me for someone more stable in their career.”

Expressing what’s bothering you opens up a space for honest discussion and greater intimacy, which beats suffering in silence about something that might not even be an issue. If you don’t feel up for talking to your partner about your concerns, a therapist can help provide some objective advice (unlike your mom and sister), says Murray.

5. Treat your partner as an equal.

Yes, having more experience puts you in a position to pass on helpful advice to your younger partner, and conversely, having an older partner means you have access to years of accumulated wisdom. However, keep in mind that taking on a ‘maternal’ role (by giving your younger partner unsolicited advice) or ‘child’ role (by deferring to your older partner) can create an unhealthy power dynamic.

“There’s a difference between respecting someone as an individual with their own life experience and intelligence versus just telling them what to do and being demeaning and disrespectful in the process,” explains Murray. What to do: Avoid using controlling language with your partner (like, “that’s not the right way to do that—here, let me do it”) and instead give helpful advice if and when they ask for it (such as, “when I was in my 20s, this is how I dealt with this problem”).

6. Don’t make your age difference more than what it is.

To be perfectly honest, my partner and I rarely talk about our age gap these days. What matters to us is that we share the same values and vision for our lives, we support each other in our respective careers, and we’re committed to taking on the future together. We know that it’s not our job to satisfy other people with our relationship (and as an interracial couple, we doubly understand what that means!).

“If you have shared values and respect each other, it really doesn’t matter what your age difference is,” says Murray. “You’re on the same playing field, and that’s what’s important for a successful relationship.” For the record, Murray and her husband have been together for twenty years.

*Name has been changed for privacy.

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Can Age-Gap Relationships Work?

Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She's also contributed to dozens of magazines.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

Wavebreakmedia / Getty Images

How Age-Gap Couples View Themselves

Are age-gap relationships healthy.

Age-gap relationships usually refer to an age difference of at least 10 years between partners. In general, the definition of age-gap relationships and what is and is not acceptable varies based on a person's sex, age, and cultural norms.

Whether it's a celebrity or someone you know personally, age gaps in romantic relationships always draw a bit of attention.

The History of Age-Gap Relationships

In general, men are much more willing to consider women who are significantly younger. According to multiple studies, this has evolutionary roots.

Since men don't have as strict of a reproductive clock, they can have children later in life. Historically, this has made women more open to relationships with older men since they don't have to worry about men's fertility.

Older men also tend to have more monetary resources due to their age and experience, which can be more appealing for women when considering how they want to support their potential children. This results in a historical pairing that has been successful since younger women are more likely to be more fertile.

In general, studies have shown that men are more open to larger-ranges of ages than women, especially as they age. In addition to men being able to overlook the concern of biological clocks, in the past, women have found no advantage to dating younger men.

Stigmas in Modern-Day Age Gap Relationships

While evolutionary considerations don't matter as much today, age-gap relationships still face stigmas in modern culture.

One study suggests that negative stereotypes and prejudices that many people hold against age-gap relationships could come as a result of perceived relational inequity. In other words, people believe that one member of the couple is only there because they're using the other member in some way.

Relational therapist Mialauni Griggs, ALMFT , specifies that, in addition to age, it's important to consider factors like race, sexual orientation, and socioeconomic status when it comes to couples with extreme age gaps.

While being more aware of these factors could lead to less judgment against these couples, Griggs is acutely aware of the negative stigmas associated with these relationships.

Mialauni Griggs, ALMFT

I think the most common stigma is that if the woman is younger then she must be a gold digger and he must be lonely or creepy. [Or that] if the woman is older, she must be trying to recapture her youth and he is probably the gold digger.

Challenges of Age-Gap Relationships

Challenges are largely dependent on the circumstances, but there are a few common themes that tend to arise in age-gap relationships.

Different Life Stages

The most obvious is that when someone is in this type of relationship, it can mean that they are finding themselves in drastically different life stages than their partner. This is less applicable to people who are past child-bearing age.

Griggs also notes that a lot of the larger questions that arise from people in these relationships tend to come from women since they are the ones facing a timeline in regard to having kids.

Griggs emphasizes the importance of "ongoing conversations about your priorities and expectations while remaining open to listening to your partner ." She encourages her patients not to lose sight of their individual paths, which can sometimes happen in these relationships when one partner ends up focusing on the other's timeline more than their own.

Power Dynamics May Exist

Another big issue facing age gap relationships is the potential for a power dynamic to exist. Especially for people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, if there is an age difference of 10 or more years, it's likely that one person is going to be in a different place professionally and financially.

It's important to maintain an awareness of this dynamic and to make sure that it doesn't start to control one partner's options.

For example, if the partner who is more financially stable ends up paying certain bills or covering expenses, it's important to make sure that the partner being supported doesn't feel trapped in the relationship due to this support.

Benefits of Age-Gap Relationships

While some studies have shown that a lack of social support for age-gap relationships can result in less relationship satisfaction, there are some benefits of these relationships to note as well.

Each Partner(s) Are Prepared for Stigma

It has been shown that women are more likely to spend more time evaluating the costs and benefits of these relationships since they anticipate stigma. To that end, they tend to go into the relationships in a more open and honest state with their partner since they've often had to discuss potential outcomes early on.

Women Tend to Find More Happiness

Studies have found that women-older age gap relationships result in higher satisfaction for women when compared to others their own age. This is because the relationships tend to feel more equal in terms of money and career. For men, the relationship satisfaction stays the same if their female partner is older so it's truly a win-win.

The Involved Partners May Have a Longer Life Expectancy

It has been found that people in age-gap relationships live longer. This is potentially due to differential fertility, the ability of the younger partner to care for the older partner into old age and economic security.

Due to the stigma associated with age gap relationships, members of these couples often find themselves adjusting to social pressure by justifying their situation to themselves and the outside world.

One study worked with more than 20 couples to understand these justifications and how they apply to the members of the couple as well as the couple's interactions.

Self-Interactions

In interactions with each other, couples in age-gap relationships tend to focus on the love story (referred to in this study as "love narratives") that their relationship was founded on. This allows them to reframe the age difference as something that is outside of their control since love was the focus.

Interaction With Others

People in age-gap relationships dealt with questions from others in very similar ways. They all tended to use three methods: passing, lampooning, and dismissing.

• Passing: This is when members of the relationship justify their age difference by "passing" or working to appear closer in age to their partner.
• Lampooning: This is when members of the couple use humor to deflect or distract from any stigma placed on their relationship by others.
• Dismissing: This is when members of the couple are upfront with their disapproval of the stigma placed on their relationship by others.

The short answer is: it depends. While significant age differences can be very noticeable when someone is very young, they do tend to lose some of the attached stigmas as they age.

What's even more important is that these couples do tend to be satisfied. While some studies have suggested that female-older age gap relationships report higher levels of satisfaction, the same has also been found about male-older versions of the relationships.

One thing that has been found across lots of studies is that age-gap relationships decrease in satisfaction with age, especially when they have to face any amount of monetary hardship.

If you are concerned about an age gap relationship (whether you're in one or know and love someone who is), make sure you're very aware of any power dynamics and their impact on your financial and emotional well-being.

"Patriarchy leaves women susceptible to minimizing their needs, their opinions, and their dreams in general within their romantic relationships," says Griggs. "I think this can be amplified in age-gap relationships whether she is younger or older due to the power dynamic between men and women."

For women who are younger in these relationships, make sure that you're honest with yourself about any amount of dependence (financial, professional, etc.) that may begin to pop up around your relationship. If you don't feel like your partner is pressuring you in these ways, make sure you're open and honest with them that you want to keep those things at bay.

None of these things mean that you or a loved one in an age-gap relationship are absolutely destined for failure or success. These factors are dependent on individuals. Remember to always be aware of your autonomy and make sure that both of you make space to communicate your needs and boundaries.

Lehmiller J. May-December Paradoxes: An Exploration of AgeGap Relationships in Western Society .  Department of Psychological Sciences Faculty Publications . Published online 2011:10-11.

Collisson B, De Leon LP. Perceived inequity predicts prejudice towards age-gap relationships .  Current Psychology volume  . 2020;39:2108–2115.

R Agnew C, Lehmiller JJ. Commitment in Age-Gap Heterosexual Romantic Relationships: A Test of Evolutionary and Socio-Cultural Predictions .  Psychology of Women Quarterly . (32):4-5.

R Agnew C, Lehmiller JJ. Commitment in Age-Gap Heterosexual Romantic Relationships: A Test of Evolutionary and Socio-Cultural Predictions .  Psychology of Women Quarterly . (32):8.

R Agnew C, Lehmiller JJ. Commitment in Age-Gap Heterosexual Romantic Relationships: A Test of Evolutionary and Socio-Cultural Predictions .  Psychology of Women Quarterly . (32):17.

Kemkes-Grottenthaler A. For Better or Worse, Till Death Us Do Part« – Spousal Age Gap and Differential Longevity: Evidence from Historical Demography .  Coll Antropol . Published online 2003:14.

Niccolai A, Swauger M. Minding the (Age) Gap: The Identity and Emotion Work of Men and Women in Age-Discrepant Romantic Relationships .  Sociological Focus . 2021;54(1):19-38.

Wang-Sheng L, McKinnish T. The Marital Satisfaction of Differently Aged Couples .  J Popul Econ . 2017;31(2).

By Brittany Loggins Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She's also contributed to dozens of magazines.

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Does Age Matter in a Relationship?

Last Updated: August 24, 2023 Fact Checked

This article was co-authored by Erika Kaplan and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden . Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29. There are 8 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 36,084 times.

Ever heard the phrase “age is just a number”? When it comes to relationships, people are divided on that fact—some people think that age plays a huge role in your relationship, while others don’t mind a large age gap. Whether you’re in an age-gap relationship or you’re considering getting into one, we’ve got you covered: in this article, we’ll answer all your questions about age in a relationship, and we’ll give you the best tips for making an age-gap relationship work.

How important is age in a relationship?

• Research has found that the most common age gap between heterosexual couples is 2 to 3 years. [2] X Research source

How much of an age gap is too much?

• For instance, if you are 45 years old, you would take 45/2 = 22.5 + 7 = 29.5. Therefore, you wouldn’t want to date anyone younger than 29 years old.

Potential Problems in an Age Gap Relationship

• If your friends or family are really struggling to accept your partner, give them some time. Often, people need to get to know someone before they can understand or accept an age gap relationship.

• Keep in mind that some people experience the reverse: as they age, their libidos get higher.

• If you're the older person in the relationship and this is tough for you, try to be patient with your partner. Remember that they haven’t had all of the life experience that you have, and that their maturity will probably increase over time.

• Be sure to talk with your partner about this concern, even if it feels uncomfortable. If you’re the older partner, make arrangements now so your partner is taken care of later on.

How to Make an Age Gap Relationship Work

• Don’t have anything in common right now? Try signing up for a class together. You could try a cooking class or an art class to learn something new while finding a new hobby together.
• Try picking out aspects from your partner’s personality that you have in common. If you’re both creative, maybe you could create art together. If you’re both athletic, maybe you could pick up a sport together.

• For instance, maybe your partner wants to buy a house and have kids right now, but you’d like to travel a bit more. You could compromise by limiting your travels and putting off having kids and settling down until you feel comfortable doing that.

• “I know you think the age gap is a little strange, but I really want you to get to know him before you judge him. We’re in a relationship because of our personalities, not because of our ages.”

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• ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-04-20/couple-with-a-larger-age-gap-happier/9680764
• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships#the-ideal-age-difference
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201405/who-is-too-young-or-too-old-you-date
• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships#will-the-relationship-work
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-modern-sex-therapist/202107/how-couples-major-age-gaps-make-it-work
• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships#potential-impacts
• ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-common-problems/my-partner-and-i-have-large-age-gap-between-us
• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships#overcoming-issues

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My husband is 14 years older than me. Here's what I wish I knew about age-gap relationships before we started dating.

• My husband is 14 years older than me, and we started dating when I was 20.
• I wish I'd known I'd lose friends because of the relationship.
• We also had several awkward interactions with strangers as an age-gap couple.

When I started dating my husband back in 2007, we'd known each other for several years. Actually, his brother married my sister, which is how we met. That presents its own challenges, but we also have a 14-year age gap .

Our age-gap relationship brought its own challenges, too, although I didn't really anticipate them when we first started dating. Here's what I wish I knew about age-gap relationships back then.

I wish I knew some of my friends weren't going to be supportive — and that I'd lose some

I was 20 and about to enter my senior year of college when my husband, Andy, and I first started dating. He was 34. Even though my friends knew he and I had known each other for years, most of them weren't supportive of our relationship.

One so-called friend kept making jokes about how "old" he was. We didn't stay friends very long. Another friend wasn't quite so harsh, but she did express her concerns about our age difference. She and I message each other occasionally now, but we're definitely not close.

There was only one friend from high school who was fairly supportive at first, taking trips back to our hometown with me so I could visit Andy. Eventually, though, she and I stopped hanging out as I got more serious about my relationship and spent more time with Andy.

Making new friends would be difficult as a couple because we were in different age groups

Part of being in your 20s usually means big changes, such as graduating from college and getting a job in the "real world." Looking back, I'm sure growing apart from my college friends was just part of life — it wasn't all because of my relationship.

But as I graduated from college and moved in with Andy after about eight months of dating, I quickly realized just how different our friends' life stages were. My old friends were still working part time or partying (or both) after I moved away from college.

Related stories

Meanwhile, Andy's friends were in their mid-to-late 30s with stable jobs or farming careers, and most of them had small children. Since I basically had no friends in our area, we would sometimes hang out with Andy's friends and their spouses on weekends. But that wasn't fun for me, as they'd all known each other for years and were roughly the same age.

Plus, we'd chosen not to have kids. So, I couldn't — and honestly didn't want to — relate to their wives' conversations about the struggles of pregnancy and raising children. They were all nice people, but I just felt really out of place with that group. For a long time, we really didn't have any shared friends, and that was hard.

Age-gap relationships come with some awkward moments

These days, I think our age gap is slightly less noticeable now I'm in my 30s. But when I was 20, and we were first dating, there were some awkward moments due to assumptions from other people.

For example, Andy's cousin's young child once outright asked if I was Andy's daughter at a family gathering. Another time, at a local store, some old acquaintance of Andy's asked some weird questions about how I was doing in school. It took me a minute, but I finally figured out he assumed I was Andy's daughter.

Both situations were awkward — for everyone.

I wish I had known earlier that age-gap relationships get better with time

It could have been helpful to know that I'd grow apart from friends, at least in part because of my relationship with an older man. And being prepared not to have many friends for a few years after getting married would have been helpful, too. But I also wish I'd known that our relationship would get even better and stronger over time despite those initial challenges.

Today, we've found friends that we both like and can relate to. Andy has kept in touch with his friends, and now that their kids are much older, it's more enjoyable for me to hang out with that group once in a while. And thankfully, no one has asked whether I'm Andy's daughter in several years.

So at 14 years of marriage and counting, I think we're doing pretty well.

Correction: October 22, 2023 — An earlier headline in this story misstated the age difference between the author and her husband. He is 14 years older than his wife, not 15 years older.

Watch: What it's like giving birth in your 20s versus your 30s

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We've got a 37-year age gap — I didn't come out until we were engaged

Age gap relationships are set to be 2024’s biggest dating trend , and one cross-country love story tells us exactly why.

When he was 23 years old, Aaron Flynn-Shore moved to New York City for an internship. But what happened next was a chain of events that led to him finding love with a man 37 years his senior. 

He first met Mike Flynn-Shore, then 60, on LGBTQ+ dating app Grindr. ‘At the time, I wasn’t out so to speak,’ he said. ‘I was living an openly-ish gay life but my friends and family back home didn’t know.’

‘I wanted to live a gay life in New York and I took full advantage of Grindr.’ Recalling the moment sparks flew for the first time, Aaron said, ‘I saw Mike one day and I was like, “wow, that is a bit of me” – he was right up my street.’

Meanwhile, Mike says he was ‘taken aback’ when he first came across his eventual husband. 

Is it possible to find love on Grindr?

Is everyone just ‘looking for fun?’ apparently not.

The infamous app aimed predominantly at gay , bisexual, transgender and queer people, has a sticky reputation as a social networking platform for those looking for quick, no strings attached ‘fun’.

But apparently, thousands of people in their 50s and have been able to have successful dating lives thanks to the black and yellow app.

According to Ofcom ’s latest data published in the Online Nations 2023 report about how people spend time online, Grindr ranks above the likes of Tinder , Plenty of Fish and Match.com for its reach of 136,000 over-54s.

Norbert, 57, from Manchester, says Grindr isn’t just for young people and he has found love on the app.

‘Grindr has dismantled the conventional boundaries of age,’ Norbert, who chose not to share his surname, told Metro.co.uk.

One thing Norbert enjoys about the app is that there is ‘no room for pretense’, which he says he doesn’t have time for anymore. ‘At my age, every interaction is about finding genuine rapport and Grindr facilitates that with ease.’

‘Looking back I remember him saying that I might just have to be the man he marries,’ the 67-year-old recalled. ‘He then told me his age, he said 23, and I said he better bring his driver’s license.’

‘He was young and I didn’t want to influence any decisions.’

After leaving New York city in August 2017, Aaron and Mike continued to chat, with Mike even flying to Aaron’s home in Dublin in January 2020.

After returning to the States, the world began to shut down amid the Covid-19 pandemic, which prompted Mike to fly back to Dublin to spend lockdown with Aaron. 

‘I got there and we spent three months locked up in a room,’ Mike said. ‘Being in a room together, we got to know each other really well, it was the best thing that could have happened.

Three months later, in May 2020, Aaron and Mike got engaged. 

‘I realised that I wanted to marry him but more importantly let him know how I feel,’ Aaron said. ‘I was 26 at this stage, I had accepted that I had always been into older men but I never thought I would have a long-term relationship.’

‘I remember saying that I would marry him, he was the only person I could marry.’

What is the 'ideal' age gap for a couple?

Toby Ingham , a psychotherapist and author of Retroactive Jealousy, Making Sense of It, says it would be difficult to give an exact number.

‘There used to be an idea that, as a rule of thumb, half your age plus seven was the guide to the younger age a partner should be,’ he previously told Metro.co.uk . ‘That may now be outdated.

‘From one point of view, we might prefer that our partners were peers – contemporaries of us. That if the gap was too big there would be problems in terms of cultural values, interest, etc.

‘Now, the [societal] accent being on inclusivity and normalising difference might eradicate such ideas.’

It was at that point Aaron realized that he needed to come out. ‘I thought ‘sh*t, I better tell my mother,’ he said.

‘I don’t give my family enough credit, my mother, it must have been such a fright for her,’ Aaron explained. ‘I said I was engaged and then told her it was to an older man, I gave her everything all at once.’

The happy couple then tied the knot on October 2020.

‘When we got married, everything was closed down,’ Mike said. ‘We were told we were only allowed six people in total.’

‘It was intimate.’

The pair have since built a life for themselves in Dublin. ‘Aaron gets real joy out of seeing me happy, he takes care of me and will do anything to make sure I am happy,’ Mike added. 

‘The age gap was never a thing for me.’

Aaron added: ‘To have someone who makes you feel so comfortable to make you feel better and that you’re not alone.

‘He makes life much more bearable and that is all anyone wants in life – it makes life much more enjoyable.’

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Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra's Relationship: A Look Back

Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra first met in 1964 and wed two years later

Stephanie Kaloi is a contributing writer at PEOPLE. She has been working at PEOPLE since 2022. She has also written about entertainment news for a number of outlets, including Entertainment Weekly, Parade and LittleThings.

Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra might have only been married for two years, but the pair shared a friendship that lasted until the singer’s death in 1998.

After meeting on the 20th Century Fox lot in 1964 when Farrow was 19 and Sinatra was almost 50, they quickly fell in love. They wed two years later at a Las Vegas hotel in 1966, when Farrow was 21.

However, their union ended in 1968 after Sinatra served the actress with divorce papers on the set of her film Rosemary’s Baby . Still, that didn’t mean that Farrow and Sinatra completely parted ways. While speaking to Vanity Fair in 2013, the actress admitted that the former couple “never really split up.”

The two enjoyed a long-lasting friendship until his death, and in the years since, Farrow has paid homage to her late ex-husband on social media. In December 2023 she celebrated what would have been the singer’s 107th birthday with a sweet Instagram post captioned in part, “I will always love you.”

From their early days to what Farrow has said about their split, here's a look back at Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra’s relationship.

They met in 1964 on the 20th Century Fox filming lot

Farrow and Sinatra met for the first time in 1964 when they were both filming at 20th Century Fox. At the time, Farrow was shooting Peyton Place and Sinatra was filming Von Ryan’s Express . The actress later told DuJour Magazine , “We were filming the show on a soundstage at 20th Century Fox.”

She added, “I told my mother right away I was seeing Frank. She approved.”

They had a 31-year age gap

When they met, Farrow was 19 years old and Sinatra was almost 50. In 2007, Farrow told The Guardian that their age difference was a factor in the relationship ending. As she put it, “I was less mature than any other 19-year-old I've ever known. Poor Frank, saddled with such a child. I would be falling asleep at the table at Las Vegas, trying to talk to people about their cats. He was very patient with me.”

Farrow and Sinatra married in 1966

Farrow and Sinatra married in 1966 at a hotel in Las Vegas. The union was Farrow's first and Sinatra's fourth.

In 1997, Farrow told Howard Stern that Sinatra pulled out all the stops early on in their relationship, and even flew the actress and her cat to his home in Palm Springs.

She said, “I got there and he showed me around the house. He had a separate room for me. I was holding the cat and I said, 'I better get a cat box,' because we'd flown all the way from L.A. ... And he gave me a really great kiss. He took the cat out of my arms, he was real romantic, and he put it on the floor.”

They divorced in 1968

Keystone Features/Getty 

The pair’s marriage ended two years later in 1968, with Sinatra serving her divorce papers on the set of Rosemary's Bab y.

Years later, Farrow admitted to the Los Angeles Times that she wouldn’t “want to repeat” the marriage. She added, “I was too immature to handle that situation. ... I became very withdrawn and tried to find other values in life.”

The actress also said that the two disagreed about her career during their relationship. “In terms of what Frank would say, I shouldn't have done any movies. He's on the record saying, 'I'm a pretty good provider. I can't see why a woman would want to do anything else,' " she told Vanity Fair in 2013. "That's the way men thought, and you felt pretty guilty wanting something for yourself.”

They stayed friends after their split

After their divorce, both moved on to different relationships: Sinatra wed Barbara Marx in 1976, and Farrow married composer  André Previn  and had a relationship with  Woody Allen . Still, Sinatra and Farrow remained friends until his death in 1998.

In December 2023, Farrow celebrated what would have been Sinatra’s 107th birthday on Instagram. She captioned a photo of Sinatra, “I bet he has those angel choirs singing some great new songs! This was the first photo i took with the Rolleiflex camera he bought for us. He was teaching me how to use it.”

“Happy Heavenly Birthday C.B. I will always love you,” Farrow added before she explained, “only close friends know this but i called him ‘Charlie’ - Charlie Brown in full.”

Farrow said her son Ronan “could possibly” be Sinatra’s

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage

Farrow is a mom to 14 children, including son Ronan Farrow, who was born on Dec. 19, 1987, when the actress was in a relationship with Allen. However, a theory that Farrow and Sinatra remained romantically involved long after their divorce made headlines in 2013 when the actress was asked by Vanity Fair if Sinatra could be Ronan's father. "Possibly," she replied.

Years later in 2021, author Tony Oppedisano, who penned the memoir Sinatra and Me: In the Wee Small Hours , wrote that he was in a position to "tamp down" the "rumors." According to Oppedisano, Sinatra had surgery for diverticulitis in late 1986 and wore a colostomy bag while he recovered.

“There are only two ways Frank could have fathered Ronan, both absurd," he wrote. "Either Mia made a secret trip to shack up with Frank in his California home with [fourth wife] Barbara present, or Frank, wearing his aways romantic colostomy bag, made a quick trip to Connecticut between his Atlantic City performances.” The writer also claimed that if Ronan was Sinatra’s son, the singer “would have acknowledged him.”

When asked about the rumors in 2013, Ronan told Vulture , "You know, that story has been out there for years. It was somewhat surprising to see it break in such a huge way of late... I appreciate how hilarious it is."

Farrow considers Sinatra the great love of her life

Farrow attended Sinatra’s funeral in 1998 alongside her son, Ronan, Nancy Sinatra, Jr., and Nancy Sinatra Sr. She told Vanity Fair that she and the two women left quite a few items inside his coffin, including “a small bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a dime, because he always told us never to go anywhere without a dime. ‘You never know who you’ll have to call.' " She also left her wedding ring.

When the outlet asked if Farrow thought Sinatra was “the great love” of her life, she replied simply, “Yes.”