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Self-Love and What It Means

Happy woman practicing self love and self care

What is self-love? 

Before a person is able to practice it, first we need to understand what it means.

Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.

Self-love can mean something different for each person because we all have many different ways to take care of ourselves. Figuring out what self-love looks like for you as an individual is an important part of your mental health.

What does self-love mean to you?

For starters, it can mean:

  • Talking to and about yourself with love
  • Prioritizing yourself
  • Giving yourself a break from self-judgement
  • Trusting yourself
  • Being true to yourself
  • Being nice to yourself
  • Setting healthy boundaries
  • Forgiving yourself when you aren’t being true or nice to yourself

For many people, self-love is another way to say self-care. To practice self-care, we often need to go back to the basics and

  • Listen to our bodies
  • Take breaks from work and move/stretch.
  • Put the phone down and connect to yourself or others, or do something creative.
  • Eating healthily, but sometimes indulge in your favorite foods.

Self-love means accepting yourself as you are in this very moment for everything that you are. It means accepting your emotions for what they are and putting your physical, emotional and mental well-being first.

How and Why to Practice Self Love

So now we know that self-love motivates you to make healthy choices in life. When you hold yourself in high esteem, you're more likely to choose things that nurture your well-being and serve you well. These things may be in the form of eating healthy , exercising or having healthy relationships .

Ways to practice self-love include:

  • Becoming mindful. People who have more self-love tend to know what they think, feel, and want.
  • Taking actions based on need rather than want. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behavior patterns that get you into trouble, keep you stuck in the past, and lessen self-love.
  • Practicing good self-care. You will love yourself more when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, like sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy and healthy social interactions.
  • Making room for healthy habits. Start truly caring for yourself by mirroring that in what you eat, how you exercise, and what you spend time doing. Do stuff, not to “get it done” or because you “have to,” but because you care about you.

Finally, to practice self-love, start by being kind, patient, gentle and compassionate to yourself, the way you would with someone else that you care about.

- Written by  Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D. , President & CEO of the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation. This blog post also appears on the  Gravity Blankets Blog .

Find more articles containing tips and advice by clicking here.

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Self-Love Is Making Us Lonely

Love concept art , woman  in heart cave with the moon, surreal landscape, fantasy illustration

E xtolled by politicians and pop stars alike, it seems like everyone is talking about self-love these days. In a Vogue make-up tutorial, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez explains that loving yourself is “the one foundation of everything.” Nicole LaPera, the clinical psychologist behind the popular Instagram account, @theholisticpsychologist, tells her 6.4 million followers, “Self-love is our natural state.” And in her most recent chart-topping hit, “Flowers,” Miley Cyrus sings proudly, “I can love me better than you can.”

Self-love has become the core tenant of modern wellness culture, with the promise that what follows self-love is good health and freedom. In her book, The Self-Love Experiment , author Sharon Kaiser claims, “Whether you want to achieve weight loss, land your dream job, find your soulmate, or get out of debt, it all comes back to self-love and accepting yourself first.”

At this point, it doesn’t feel like much of a stretch to say that the self-love phenomenon is bordering on a societal obsession. The question is: why?

Today, we live in a climate where needing help can evoke shame and embarrassment, where cut-throat competition takes precedence over compassionate collaboration, and where self-sufficiency is celebrated as the ultimate achievement. To navigate the harsh terrain of radical individualism, self-love has emerged as our tool for survival. But it can come at a cost, especially when the type of self-love we turn to is the kind that has been manipulated by corporate ad campaigns and social media. In its commodified form, self-love is not really self-love at all; instead, it’s more like self-sabotage, convincing us to hyperfocus on ourselves at the expense of connecting with others.

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Read More: Bootstrapping Has Always Been A Myth. The New American Dream Proves It

While the exact origin of self-love remains unclear, one of the first psychologists to address the concept was Eric Fromm. In his 1956 book, The Art of Loving , he wrote, “Love of others and love of ourselves are not alternatives. On the contrary, an attitude of love toward themselves will be found in all those who are capable of loving others.” For Fromm, self-love operated as a necessary condition for relating with our fellow humans.

Going back further in history, we see other cultures referring to self-love as a channel for connection. In Ancient Greece, Aristotle claimed that self-love in its most virtuous form serves as a model for how we should love our friends. In the 13th century, Sufist poet Rumi wrote of the importance of recognizing the divine within oneself to feel one with the greater universe. And the ancient Buddhist practice of Metta , or loving-kindness meditation, involves practitioners directing love inwards so that they can then extend love outwards.

The self-love many of us have grown accustomed to today, however, veers from its authentic origin. Chewed up and spit out by toxic consumerism, it has been drained of its relational potential. Instead, it is often used by corporations and influencers alike to sell products and keep people hyper fixated on themselves. It is a force of isolation, rather than attachment.

When we take a moment to consider the culture we’re living in, where loneliness rates are at unprecedented highs, touch deprivation is a serious concern, and polarizing animosity has replaced empathic connection, it begins to make sense why we’ve sought refuge in self-love. To survive in our fractured world, we’ve been left with little choice but to turn inwards for affection.

Study after study shows that we’re living inside of a growing loneliness epidemic. In a recent survey conducted by Cigna , researchers found that almost 80% of adults from the ages of 18 to 24 reported feeling lonely. In 2018, even before the start of COVID-19 pandemic, one study showed that 54% of Americans felt like no one in their life knew them well.

Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, attributes such jarring isolation to what he calls our “culture of separation.” In his latest book, Intraconnected , Seigel writes that our society “emphasizes separation rather than connection, independence rather than interdependence, individuality rather than a shared identity.” Ultimately, our prevailing cultural emphasis on excessive autonomy and self-reliance has engendered a society rife with disconnection.

We can see examples of this on social media, where it is common for women to be bombarded—under the guise of self-love and self-care—with advertisements for Botox and pilates machines, advanced skin care wands and organic hair growth serums. Such products don’t serve to bring women closer together; instead, they promote self-preoccupation , negative social comparison , and rattling insecurity .

Influencer culture, as another example, keeps the lines blurred between self-love and self-involvement. Narcissism is not only normalized, but rewarded by likes, follows, and corporate sponsorships. This, of course, comes at the detriment of influencers and followers alike , as both report experiencing a diminishment in psychological well-being.

When self-love becomes entangled with self-absorption and materialism, serious consequences emerge for our collective mental health. Studies show that too much focus on oneself is associated with anxiety and depression. Past research has also documented the vicious feedback loop of consumption and loneliness: When we purchase material possessions (even in the name of self-love), we surprisingly feel lonely, so we try and soothe ourselves through buying more, but this only makes us feel worse. This takes a toll on our health, as loneliness has been linked to increased inflammation , heart disease , and even premature death .

Self-love is a powerful tool; it can be used for good or bad, for connection or disconnection. And at a time of such immense social fragmentation, we need to cultivate the kind that brings us together. So how exactly do we do this?

Primarily, it requires introspection. We can know we’re practicing healthy self-love when we feel connected to our bodies and our communities. There are many iterations of what this may look like. Perhaps we choose to prioritize rest and replenishment one night so that we can be more engaged the next time we see our friends. Or maybe we decide to quit our high stress job, so that we can stop neglecting our needs and spend more time with the people and places we enjoy. True self-love not only bolsters our capacity for connection, but it also helps us become an actualized version of ourselves.

On the other hand, self-love through the warped filter of radical individualism tends to make us feel alienated, disconnected, and stuck in our own heads. This looks like buying a “self-care” product that causes us to ruminate on our appearance or justifying our anxious avoidance of meaningful social commitments through the co-opted language of self-compassion. It’s vital, then, that we begin actively recognizing when more nefarious forces are being disguised and packaged to us as self-love, and when we, ourselves, are consciously or unconsciously buying into them.

Our culture of separation carries a strong current. It’s easy to get pulled in, to become swept away by its riptide. But if we can achieve the balance between caring for ourselves and caring for others, real self-love may just very well be our life raft.

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7 Ways to Practice Self-Love

Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.

an article about self love

Ivy Kwong, LMFT, is a psychotherapist specializing in relationships, love and intimacy, trauma and codependency, and AAPI mental health.  

an article about self love

Marko Geber / Getty Images

What Is Self-Love?

How to practice self-love.

Having self-love involves having an appreciation and respect for yourself. That includes taking care of your physical and mental health. Although most people are busy, it's important to take time to nourish yourself and treat yourself with the love and kindness you deserve.

Self-love is having regard for our own well-being and contentment according to the American Psychological Association.

While self-care proponents suggest taking baths and getting massages, loving yourself goes much deeper than splurging once in a while on pleasures like these.

Self-love should be a daily activity in which you check in with yourself and treat yourself the way we treat loved ones.

The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation says that self-love comes from actions that support physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.

What Self-Love Is Not

Some critics think self-love is a modern concept and is merely self-indulgence. They view self-love as excessively focusing on yourself and akin to narcissism . But self-love is not about having a grandiose sense of self or being puffed up with self-importance. Self-love means taking care of your needs and recognizing that you have value.

The Importance of Self-Love

Your first relationship is with yourself and it’s the foundation of relationships with others. Loving yourself enables you to live in alignment with your values and to make healthy choices in your everyday decisions.  Confidence , self-respect, self-worth, and self-love are all interconnected. As we deepen in love for ourselves, we can deepen the love we share with others.

Sometimes it’s hard to assert yourself and think about your own needs. While it might be considerate to practice self-love here and there, it's important to make it a daily practice .

Here’s how to incorporate self-love into your lifestyle.

Prioritize Your Well-Being and Mental Health 

Your physical and mental health are directly correlated and how you feel physically can influence how you feel mentally and emotionally. When you begin loving and caring for your body, you’re directly and positively influencing your mental health, too.  Eating and sleeping well  is important in maintaining well-being and warding off illness. That means choosing healthy foods and getting adequate sleep every night.

Exercising regularly has a positive impact on your overall health as exercise decreases cortisol, the stress hormone, in your body.

Remember to give yourself time to take care of and value yourself. Struggling with mental health issues might require visiting a therapist, choosing online therapy , or turning to an app .

Embrace Self-Compassion

When you acknowledge your mistakes and accept your imperfections with kindness and without judgment, you exhibit  self-compassion . Dr. Kristin Neff’s widely accepted definition of self-compassion has three components:

  • Self-kindness : feeling kindness toward ourselves rather than judgment, criticism, or shame
  • Common humanity : recognizing we are part of a common humanity as everyone makes mistakes rather than viewing ourselves as isolated beings unworthy of love and belonging
  • Mindfulness : viewing mistakes mindfully by having a perspective and not over-identifying with our failings

In a pilot study on self-compassion, scientists empirically tested the use of a writing intervention to determine if these self-compassion components influenced each other. Findings showed that the three components do mutually enhance each other.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Other People

When we are jealous of our friend’s promotion or feel we are lacking because we gained ten pounds while our neighbor is in great shape, it’s hard not to feel down. Social comparisons can cause stress. Comparison and competition may motivate you in ways that are helpful and not harmful. More often than not, they diminish us by causing stress, anxiety, guilt, and shame.

Social media has affected our mental health in not-so-great ways. We judge ourselves more harshly on a regular basis and don't feel good enough.  High social media use has been linked to depression.

Set Boundaries

Drawing the line helps with stress management . Sometimes you have to say 'no' at work or to your family to preserve your energy. One-sided relationships have unequal distribution of energy, control, and thoughtfulness. Recognize your needs and carve out time to be thoughtful about yourself by setting boundaries.

Forgive Yourself

Cultivate ways to stop self-loathing in any form. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes and find ways to heal. To incorporate self-love in your daily life, don’t ruminate over mistakes and regrets. Rather than blame yourself for things that were probably out of your control anyway, turn to self-forgiveness.

A recent study finds that greater forgiveness is linked to less stress and a decrease in mental health symptoms.

Surround Yourself With Supportive, Loving people

Having social support is vital. You could reach out to receive your  family’s love  for you but if those relationships are strained or they’re not in the picture, invest in relationships with your friends and community and allow yourself to receive care and support from them.

Let go of toxic, draining, and one-way friendships. The goal is to fortify yourself with healthy interactions and people who believe in you, champion you, and support you in becoming more of who you are and want to be, not less.

If you think you’re in love  but aren’t sure, remember that healthy relationships involve intimacy and deep emotional connection. Invest your time, energy, and care into platonic and romantic relationships that support, energize, and restore you.

Change a Negative Mindset

Positive thinking  doesn’t mean ignoring problems. It means choosing to have a positive outlook as an approach to life that includes gratitude and many possibilities. Maybe it’s time to seek support to process your anger and  release resentment and grudges , for example.

Holding onto and fixating on anger and hatred towards others can be damaging to our mental and emotional well-being and it can be an act of self-love and care to address it at the root cause.

Say kind things to yourself.  Positive affirmations  can boost your self-esteem and reduce your social fears. Remind yourself that you’re a kind person doing your best. Changing your perspective and focusing on things that you are grateful for and appreciative of can be immensely uplifting and is another way to practice self-love.

APA Dictionary of Psychology. Self-love .

The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation. Self-love and what it means .

Rudolph DL, McAuley E. Cortisol and affective responses to exercise .  J Sports Sci . 1998;16(2):121-128. doi:10.1080/026404198366830

Self-Compassion: Dr. Kristin Neff. Definition of self-compassion .

Dreisoerner A, Junker NM, van Dick R. The relationship among the components of self-compassion: a pilot study using a compassionate writing intervention to enhance self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness . J Happiness Stud. 2021;22(1):21-47.

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Slavich GM. Forgiveness, Stress, and Health: a 5-Week Dynamic Parallel Process Study .  Ann Behav Med . 2016;50(5):727-735. doi:10.1007/s12160-016-9796-6

By Barbara Field Barbara is a writer and speaker who is passionate about mental health, overall wellness, and women's issues.

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What self-love truly means and ways to cultivate it

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There is a multi- billion dollar industry dedicated to self care — around $450 billion , to be precise. And while self-care practices are an important part of cultivating self-love, it's not everything. To put it another way, while bath bombs and massages are ways of expressing your love for yourself, they’re not necessarily how you build it.

Many of us have been subject to a variety of messages around self-love and how to cultivate it. We may have been told that we “can't expect anyone to love us until we learn to love ourselves.” But for those of us who've experienced childhood trauma , difficult relationships, or any number of other painful experiences, learning to love ourselves may not be as easy as it sounds.

The good news is that self-love is actually a skill you can develop — much like self-confidence or self-trust. And it's an important one. Learn what is means to love yourself, how to go about building self-love, and whether or not you really need the bath bomb in this article.

What does self-love mean?

Self-love means that you have an appreciation, affinity, and positive regard for yourself. It’s closely related to self-esteem and self-compassion. When you have a strong sense of self-love, you understand your own value and treat yourself in a loving way.

Unlike narcissism, which is excessive self-absorption and self-interest, self-love is a positive trait . Loving yourself means having a good understanding of both your strengths and weaknesses. Narcissism is generally associated with poor mental health. But high self-love has a positive effect on your well-being, mental fitness , and your relationships.

self-love-person-dabs-because-they-are-happy

Why is self-love important?

Self-love is critical to our overall well-being. And despite what the perfectionists think , loving yourself doesn’t mean that you don’t hold yourself to a high standard. Without feeling positively towards ourselves, we may find it hard to be motivated. Many studies suggest that we need self-love in order to take action, take chances, and take on new opportunities.

The importance of loving yourself

Self-love is important because it motivates much of our positive behavior while reducing harmful behavior. It both empowers us to take risks and to say no to things that don’t work for us. It’s a key component of building self-compassion .

Self-love helps us take care of ourselves, lower stress, and strive for success. But it also protects us from negative thoughts, self-sabotage , and pushing ourselves too far. It’s important to recognize that knowing what to say “no” to is just as important as learning when to say “yes.”

5 benefits of self-love

Self-love isn’t all touchy-feely. Well — okay, it is kinda touchy-feely, but its benefits are rooted in science. 

1. Lower stress, higher resilience

When we feel stressed, it’s generally because we don’t feel capable of living up to the challenges in front of us. When you have a strong sense of self-love, you’re better able to tackle challenges. Negative feelings and self-critical thoughts compound stress. When we feel good, though, it’s usually easier for us to problem-solve .

Self-love and self-compassion are directly linked. When we have a high sense of self-love, we’re able to look at challenges as temporary setbacks — or even as opportunities for growth. This attitude helps us become more resilient.

BetterUp’s research has found that coaching can help improve self-compassion by over 60%. And self-compassion has a marked impact on developing resilience.

Not only does self-compassion — and by extension, self-love — help us bounce back better, it keeps us mentally fit. More than 1,000 research studies have linked self-compassion to reduced psychopathy and improved well-being .

self-love-person-holds-hands-over-heart-near-ocean

2. Willingness to take risks (the good kind)

When we’re willing to take risks, we do so because we have faith in ourselves. We know that we’ll be able to handle the outcome — whether we get what we want or not. A big part of that is self-trust, but it’s also a belief that you are worth the investment. 

Imagine this scenario — a loved one, like a child or best friend, wanted to try something new. If they shared their insecurities with you, would you tell them that they’re probably right and most likely going to fail? Or would you encourage them to take a chance anyway because you believe in all the reasons why it would work out?

When you love yourself, you’re able to identify both opportunities for growth and chances for you to shine. Risk-taking isn’t just about doing something that seems fun. It’s also about giving yourself the best possible chance to succeed. We won’t get far in life staying in our comfort zones.

When we are able to see ourselves — and accept our strengths and weaknesses — with compassion and appreciation, we can also have compassion for others. This ability to hold space for other people’s struggles helps us to become more empathetic. In turn, empathy creates a stronger connection and a sense of belonging .

BetterUp found that one-on-one coaching improves empathy by over 40%. Improving empathy also improves your cognitive and psychological flexibility . You become better able to “step into someone else’s shoes.” In turn, this can also have a positive effect on your communication skills .

4. Self-efficacy

There are four components to self-efficacy. These include seeing other people succeed, having your own mastery experiences, and being affirmed by others. 

The last is feeling good about ourselves and our capabilities. When our self-love is high, we’re better able to take on new things. Developing trust in our own capabilities, plus a desire to be the best, are key building blocks of self-efficacy. In turn, this self-trust and faith in our own abilities helps us achieve our goals, challenge ourselves, and live our best lives . 

5. Setting boundaries

There’s a saying that a dishonest “yes” to something you don’t really want to do is an honest “no” to yourself. We often think that saying yes to everything and always willing to help is a virtue. However, a key part of self-love is knowing what to give your energy to — and what doesn’t serve you.

self-love-person-hugs-themselves-and-smiles

10 signs of a lack of self-love

Since a healthy amount of self-love has such beneficial qualities, you can probably guess that a lack of self-love can be detrimental. Here are some potential signs of low self-love:

  • Perfectionism and fear of failure
  • Avoidance of self-care and neglect of personal needs
  • Tolerating toxic or abusive relationships
  • Difficulty saying "no" and over-committing
  • Comparing oneself unfavorably to others
  • Negative self-talk and constant self-criticism
  • Difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
  • Seeking external validation and approval excessively
  • Engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors
  • Chronic feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem

8 ways to practice self-love

Practicing self-love goes beyond the surface. It takes both outer and Inner Work ® to understand our value and feel good about ourselves . Here are eight ways to develop and practice self-love in your own life and learn how to love yourself:

1. Know thyself

In truth, there’s nothing wrong with the bath bombs, scented candles, and “me time” that get marketed to us as the “highest form or self-care.” The challenge is that we might start thinking it’s the most important kind of self-care. True self-care — and self-love — is about making investments in yourself that have nothing to do with your shopping cart.

Personally, I love a good massage, but I have friends who hate the idea of getting one. I could spend hours reading, while others might find that to be the most boring thing they could do. No one has the answer to the “right way” to take care of yourself (well, except you, of course).

Think of getting to know yourself like starting a new relationship. Whether you were making a friend, dating, or even taking care of a new houseplant, there would be a learning curve. You might ask questions, make notes on what works and what doesn’t, and try new things. You would be curious and engaged in learning to nurture this new relationship.

That sense of curious engagement is a great foundation for learning to love yourself. Start a journal , take up a new hobby , or take yourself on a date. When you start spending time learning about yourself and what you love to do , you’ll likely find yourself pretty darn lovable. 

2. Fish for compliments

Contrary to what you might’ve heard growing up, fishing for compliments isn’t a bad thing. Most of us have the tendency to toss away compliments instead of embracing and internalizing them. Get into the habit of embracing compliments, acknowledgments, and any other positive regard people wanna throw your way.

This might seem uncomfortable at first, and you may even have to practice it. One wonderful habit I got from a course with Regena Thomashauer was to respond with “Thank you, it’s true.” It’s surprisingly difficult to affirm and embrace a compliment instead of brushing it off.

self-love-reset-social

3. Build self-care routines

Learning how to take care of yourself means building habits that support your well-being . Try a mini-reset (like the one above) when you feel like you need to recharge. You can also create a self-care plan for yourself. 

Building self-care routines is an essential and proactive approach to nurturing your overall well-being. It involves the intentional cultivation of habits and practices that contribute to your physical, emotional, and mental health. 

No two self-care plans are identical. Begin by identifying activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and a sense of fulfillment. These could range from simple daily rituals, such as quick morning stretches or meditation, to larger commitments like regular exercise or creative pursuits.

Consider creating a self-care calendar or planner to help structure and prioritize your self-care routines. Schedule dedicated time for activities that rejuvenate your mind and body, ensuring that self-care becomes a non-negotiable part of your routine. Experiment with different approaches and be open to adjusting your plan as needed, as flexibility is key in adapting to life's changing demands.

Whether it's a daily mindfulness practice , a weekly nature walk, or a monthly self-reflection session, the cumulative impact of these routines contributes significantly to a sustainable and fulfilling self-care journey.

4. Prioritize self-compassion

Cultivating self-love involves developing a compassionate and understanding relationship with yourself. Embrace the concept of self-compassion , which entails treating yourself with the same kindness and empathy you would offer to a friend facing challenges. This practice is particularly vital during moments of self-doubt, failure, or adversity.

Start by acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and encounters setbacks—it's a natural part of being human. When faced with difficulties, resist the urge to criticize or blame yourself. Instead, offer words of encouragement and comfort, recognizing that you deserve support and understanding. Practice self-compassionate self-talk by challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with affirming and nurturing statements.

Remember, self-compassion is not a sign of weakness but a powerful tool for building resilience and fortifying your emotional well-being. By treating yourself with kindness and understanding, you deepen the roots of self-love and create a foundation for enduring self-acceptance.

5. Nurture positive self-talk and affirmations

The way you speak to yourself significantly influences your self-perception and overall well-being. Incorporating positive self-talk and affirmations into your daily routine is a powerful strategy for enhancing self-love. By consciously choosing uplifting and empowering language, you can reshape your internal dialogue and foster a more positive self-image.

Start by identifying areas of self-criticism or negative self-talk. Notice when you are being overly harsh or critical of yourself, and actively challenge these thoughts. Replace negative statements with positive affirmations that emphasize your strengths, capabilities, and inherent worth. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I can't do this," counter it with, "I am capable, and I can learn and grow through this experience."

Create a list of personalized affirmations that resonate with you and align with your goals. Repeat these affirmations regularly, incorporating them into your morning routine or moments of reflection throughout the day. Consistent practice will help rewire your brain to embrace a more positive and self-affirming mindset.

Additionally, surround yourself with positive influences, whether through supportive friends, motivational literature, or affirming podcasts . Building a positive external environment complements the internal work of nurturing positive self-talk, reinforcing a culture of self-love in both your thoughts and surroundings.

6. Embrace your uniqueness

Celebrating your individuality is a powerful way to practice self-love. In a world that often emphasizes conformity, embracing what makes you unique can be a radical act of self-affirmation. Take the time to identify and appreciate your strengths, quirks, and idiosyncrasies.

Start by making a list of the qualities that set you apart from others. These could be your talents, interests, or even your unconventional perspectives. Instead of comparing yourself to others, recognize that your uniqueness adds depth and richness to the tapestry of human experience. Affirm your individuality by expressing yourself authentically , whether through your style, creative pursuits, or the way you communicate.

Engaging in activities that align with your passions and values is another way to celebrate your uniqueness. If you love art, dedicate time to creating. If you're passionate about a particular cause, get involved in relevant activities. By living authentically, you not only honor yourself but also contribute to a more diverse and vibrant world.

7. Practice gratitude for your body

Cultivating self-love involves fostering a positive and appreciative relationship with your body. Instead of fixating on perceived flaws or societal ideals, focus on expressing gratitude for the incredible capabilities and functions of your body.

Start by creating a gratitude journal specifically dedicated to your body. Each day, write down three things you appreciate about your physical self. These could range from the ability to move freely to the senses that allow you to experience the world. Acknowledge the resilience and strength your body demonstrates daily, even in small actions.

Engage in activities that promote body positivity and self-acceptance. Surround yourself with affirming messages, whether through body-positive media or supportive social circles. Challenge negative thoughts about your body by consciously redirecting your focus toward gratitude and appreciation.

8. Set and enforce healthy boundaries

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries is a crucial aspect of self-love. Boundaries serve as a protective barrier, safeguarding your well-being and preserving your energy. By clearly defining and communicating your limits to others, you create a space where self-respect and self-care can thrive.

Reflect on your personal and emotional boundaries. Identify situations, relationships, or activities that drain your energy or compromise your mental health. Once recognized, take intentional steps to set boundaries in those areas. This may involve communicating your needs assertively, saying no when necessary, or creating physical and emotional space when required.

Enforcing boundaries requires consistency and self-advocacy. Be firm in upholding the limits you've set, even if it feels uncomfortable initially. Recognize that prioritizing your well-being is an essential act of self-love, and establishing boundaries is a tangible way to demonstrate this commitment.

Surround yourself with individuals who respect and support your boundaries. Healthy relationships are built on mutual understanding and consideration for each other's needs. As you reinforce your boundaries, you cultivate an environment that fosters self-love and allows you to thrive emotionally and mentally.

Are self-love and self-compassion the same thing?

Self-love and self-compassion aren’t quite the same thing, but they are strongly related to one another. 

Self-love has to do with whether or not you like yourself. It's your ability to find yourself worthy of trust, admiration, and care. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is our ability to forgive ourselves and be gentle with our mistakes. I would venture to say that although you can't have one without the other, it takes something different to develop each. 

Put simply, we develop self-love by getting to know ourselves, while we develop self-compassion by being gentle with ourselves. This process of self-knowledge and self-discovery is a large part of what it takes to fall in love with ourselves.

We build self-compassion by forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and turning them into opportunities to learn. Once we develop self-love, self-compassion comes much more easily.

Lean into loving yourself and change your life

Loving yourself is different from being self-absorbed or narcissistic. And doing so has mental and physical health benefits. So whether you’re embracing a new self-care routine or practicing building boundaries, find what self-love looks like for you. It’ll take time, but you might just learn to appreciate a whole new side of yourself.

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What Is Self-Compassion and What Is Self-Love?

happy girl - What is Self-Compassion and Self-Love? (Definition, Quotes + Books)

But is it really that vital? Can’t you get along just fine without all that mushy, touchy-feely self-love stuff?

As it turns out, you can get along just fine—but you will likely never thrive!

Read on to learn more about self-compassion, self-love, and the huge impact both of these concepts can have on our lives.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Self-Compassion Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will not only help you increase the compassion and kindness you show yourself, but also give you the tools to help your clients, students, or employees show more compassion to themselves.

This Article Contains:

What is the meaning of self-compassion and self-love (a definition).

  • Self-Compassion According to Kristin Neff – A Leading Expert

Self-Compassion and Positive Psychology

  • Self-Love & Psychology: Understanding Its Importance

Self-Love is the Best Love: 7 Quotes and Affirmations

  • Examples of Healthy Self-Love and Self-Compassion
  • How to Love Yourself: Acceptance Is Key
  • Practicing Self-Compassion With Meditation

A Take-Home Message

Self-compassion and self-love are two related, but distinct, concepts.

Self-compassion is being “kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings” (Neff, n.d.). It means that you act the same way toward yourself when you are going through a tough time that you would act towards a dear friend: noticing the suffering, empathizing or “suffering with” yourself, and offering kindness and understanding.

On the other hand, self-love is “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth” (Khoshaba, 2012). It is about valuing yourself as a human being who is worthy of love and respect.

Self-love is a more stable construct than self-compassion; while you can choose to be compassionate towards yourself in any moment, self-love is probably something that you will need to build up.

Self-compassion vs. self-esteem and confidence

If you’re wondering how self-compassion is different from other similar constructs like self-esteem , or self-confidence , wonder no more! Renowned expert and leading self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff explains how they differ.

“Although self-compassion may seem similar to self-esteem, they are different in many ways. Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves… In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits.”

Regarding self-confidence, it is missing a key component that self-compassion includes:

“While self-confidence makes you feel better about your abilities, it can also lead you to vastly overestimate those abilities. Self-compassion, on the other hand, encourages you to acknowledge your flaws and limitations, allowing you to look at yourself from a more objective and realistic point of view.”

Self-love vs. narcissism

Although we can easily imagine self-love translating into narcissism if taken to the extreme, in reality, they are two vastly different concepts.

Self-love is about loving yourself without needing to make downward social comparisons, taking pride in your performance and your achievements, giving yourself the validation you need and recognizing that it’s okay to feel uncertain and doubt yourself now and then.

Narcissism is the opposite: Narcissists compare themselves to others to feel better, obsess over looking like the real deal instead of becoming it, crave constant validation from others, and see things in black and white (Well, 2017).

Self-love is an honest and authentic appreciation for the self , while narcissism is all about proving that you’re better than everyone else and making sure others see you as you want to be seen. Self-love is self-focused, while narcissism is other-focused.

Self-Compassion According to Kristin Neff – A Leading Expert

Self-compassion - Kristin Neff

The Self-Compassion Scale (SCS) is made up of 26 items rated on a scale from 1 (almost never) to 5 (almost always). Respondents are instructed to rate the items based on how they typically act towards themselves during difficult times.

There are six components to the SCS:

  • Self-kindness a. Example: “When I’m going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need.”
  • Self-judgment a. Example: “I’m intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like.”
  • Common humanity a. Example: “When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people.”
  • Isolation a. Example: “When I think about my inadequacies, it tends to make me feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world.”
  • Mindfulness a. Example item: “When I’m feeling down I try to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.”
  • Overidentification a. Example: “When I fail at something important to me I become consumed by feelings of inadequacy.”

To create a score for each subscale, simply add up all the items for self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, but reverse-score the items for the other three subscales before adding them together to create a sub-score (i.e., 1 = 5, 2 = 4, 3 = 3, 4 = 2, 5 = 1). For an overall score, calculate the mean of all items. Higher scores represent higher self-compassion.

Dr. Neff allows free use of her scale to researchers or other interested parties. You can find the scale and the citation of the article in which it was originally developed here .

Self-Compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself – Audiobook

Kristin Neff is a brilliant and passionate researcher who has taught us a ton about self-compassion; she’s a great author and self-compassion trainer as well!

Her six-session training on boosting your self-compassion is called Self-Compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself , and you can find the audiobook here .

This course will help you build a foundation in self-acceptance , self-love, and self-compassion through guided meditations, experiential practices, and on-the-spot techniques.

Follow the path laid down by this book, and you will open yourself up to a transformative experience and give yourself the opportunity to lead a healthier life full of more love, joy, happiness, and fulfillment than ever before.

For even more from this self-compassion expert, check out these TED Talks from Kristin Neff.

The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

The Components of Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Mindfulness and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Research on the topic of self-compassion has discovered that there are three main components to self-compassion:

Self-kindness

Common humanity.

  • Mindfulness (Neff & Dahm, 2015)

Self-kindness involves refraining from criticizing and castigating yourself for a mistake or a flaw and being understanding and supportive of yourself.

When we’re in pain, we can recognize the harm of self-judgment and treat ourselves warmly and patiently instead (Gilbert & Irons, 2005).

Self-kindness means recognizing our unconditional worth, even when we fall short of our own expectations (Barnard & Curry, 2011).

Our need to connect is part of what makes us human (Maslow, 1943). Having common humanity means recognizing the broader human experience, rather than seeing ourselves as isolated or separate from others (Neff, 2003).

Common humanity also means remembering that we’re not alone when we feel imperfect, hurt, or lonely; rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves, when we focus on common humanity, we appreciate that others feel just like we do (Gilbert & Irons, 2005).

Mindfulness

Although mindfulness is mentioned in the three components of self-compassion, some researchers feel it should be at the forefront of self-compassion work, rather than one of its components.

Germer (2009) noticed that mindfulness is often the first step toward self-compassion and that mindfulness and self-compassion combined can take the benefits far beyond what simple mindfulness or self-compassion alone can bring.

Self-Love & Psychology – Understanding Its Importance

self-compassion and self-love theory examples

Self-compassion and depression

Those with low self-compassion are at risk for greater avoidance of their problems, more rumination over their negative thoughts and feelings, and worse functioning (Krieger et al., 2013).

In addition, self-compassion can act as a buffer between us and self-judgment, isolation, and over-identification—common issues in depression. Those with higher self-compassion are not only generally less troubled by these symptoms, but they are also better able to cope with them than those who do not show themselves as much compassion (Kӧrner et al., 2015).

8 Benefits of having self-compassion

It would take an entire article to chronicle all the different ways having self-compassion can benefit you, so instead we’ll list some of the most common and most significant benefits (Firestone, 2016).

  • Greater happiness
  • Higher optimism
  • More positive affect (good mood)
  • A greater sense of wisdom
  • More motivation and willingness to take initiative
  • Increased curiosity, learning, and exploration
  • Higher agreeableness
  • More conscientiousness

an article about self love

Download 3 Free Self Compassion Exercises (PDF)

These detailed, science-based exercises will equip you to help others create a kinder and more nurturing relationship with themselves.

an article about self love

Download 3 Free Self-Compassion Tools Pack (PDF)

By filling out your name and email address below.

Everyone loves a good quote! Refer back to these self-acceptance quotes when you need a quick boost of inspiration to love yourself.

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”

Robert Morely

“Love yourself unconditionally, just as you love those closest to you despite their faults.”
“To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don’t wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now.”
“Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others.”

Wilfred Peterson

If these quotes don’t give you a jolt of self-love and self-compassion, try adopting one of the following affirmations instead.

  • “I approve of myself. I love myself deeply and fully.”
  • “I am worthy of love and joy.”
  • “My life is a gift. I will use this gift with confidence, joy, and exuberance.”

Read about these and discover more sample affirmations .

5 Examples of Healthy Self-Love and Self-Compassion

Self-esteem therapy

How do we go about loving and showing compassion for ourselves?

There are tons of examples all around us, including the following:

  • A generally high-achieving student who fails a test but tells herself, “It’s alright, we all fail sometimes. You’re still a pretty good student overall.”
  • A father who loses his temper and raises his voice to his child might tell himself, “You’re not a bad father. You just lost your temper. Everyone loses their temper once in a while. I’ll apologize to my child, forgive myself, and commit to doing better in the future.”
  • A wife who lets slip something insulting about her mother-in-law to her husband shows self-compassion by thinking, “Everyone makes mistakes. I made a mistake and I feel bad about it, but it doesn’t make me a bad person.”
  • A person who forgets about meeting up with a friend and feels terrible about it might show herself love by saying, “I can be forgetful sometimes, but I’m always forgiving when a friend forgets something, so I’m going to be forgiving to myself as well. I am still a good friend and I will plan to make it up to her.”
  • An employee who does not receive the promotion he was hoping for would show himself compassion by telling himself, “Getting this promotion does not define you. You are still a great person and a good worker. You just need to put some effort into improving your skills in a few areas. You’ll get it next time!”

These individuals are certainly not narcissists or cold-hearted, unfeeling people; they are simply treating themselves like they would treat a friend in a difficult time.

How to Love Yourself – Acceptance Is Key

The first step to working on your acceptance and self-love is to determine where you are on those fronts. You can use Neff’s (2003) scale above to assess your level of compassion toward yourself, but simply sitting and thinking about how you tend to feel about, think about, and talk to yourself can give you a pretty good idea.

Once you know where you are, you can figure out where you want to go and determine how best to get there. Use these tips to get to your desired level of self-compassion/self-love).

Learn more by reading: How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips.

6 Tips for practicing self-compassion and self-love

Self-love expert Margaret Paul (2014) has outlined six vital steps you can take to enhance your love for yourself.

Paul calls this process “inner bonding” and notes its powerful healing abilities. All you need to do is practice these six steps regularly to gradually enhance your ability to love yourself.

You can find her six tips here .

Practicing Self-Compassion and Meditation

Self-compassion and meditation go hand in hand. One of the best ways to build up your compassion for yourself is to understand yourself better, enhance your awareness of what’s going on in your own head, and cultivate a sense of love and a feeling of goodwill to all—it just so happens that mindfulness meditation does exactly that!

Guided meditations for self-love and compassion

Check out the guided meditations if you’re interested in developing a self-compassion meditation practice.

10-Minute Guided Meditation for Self-Compassion from Live Sonima

Guided Meditation for Confidence, Self-Love, and a Better Self-Image from Joe T at Hypnotic Labs

Self-Love: Guided Meditation on Unconditionally Love You from Positive Magazine Meditation

Guided Meditation for Self-Compassion from Green Mountain at Fox Run

If you’ve stuck with me for this entire piece—thank you! I’m so glad you took this winding journey through the information, resources, and techniques for improving your self-love and self-compassion with me.

I hope you found the journey helpful and learned at least a few new things. If you did, I’d love to hear what helped. If you didn’t, I’d love to hear about that too! Leave us a comment about your experience practicing self-love and boosting your self-compassion.

Thanks for reading!

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Self Compassion Exercises for free .

  • Barnard, L. K., & Curry, J. F. (2011). Self-compassion: Conceptualizations, correlates, & interventions. Review of General Psychology , 15(4), 289-303.
  • Firestone, L. (2016). The many benefits of self-compassion . Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201610/the-many-benefits-self-compassion
  • Germer, C. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. Guilford Press.
  • Gilbert, P., & Procter, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self-criticism: Overview and pilot study of a group therapy approach. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 13, 353-379.
  • Khoshaba, D. (2012). A seven-step prescription for self-love . Psychology Today . Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love
  • Kӧrner, A., Coroiu, A., Copeland, L., Gomez-Garibello, C., Albani, C., Zenger, M., & Brӓhler, E. (2015). The role of self-compassion in buffering symptoms of depression in the general population. PLoS One, 10.
  • Krieger, T., Altenstein, D., Baettig, I., Doerig, N., & Holtforth, M. G. (2013). Self-compassion in depression: Associations with depressive symptoms, rumination, and avoidance in depressed outpatients. Behavior Therapy, 44 , 501-513.
  • Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review , 50(4), 370.
  • Neff, K. (n.d.). Definition of self-compassion . Self-Compassion.org . Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
  • Neff, K. D. (2003). Development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity , 2, 223-250.
  • Neff, K., & Dahm, K. A. (2015). Self-compassion: What it is, what it does, and how it relates to mindfulness. In B. D. Ostafin (Ed.), Handbook of mindfulness and self-regulation (pp. 121-137). Springer.
  • Paul, M. (2014, September 18). How do you actually learn to love yourself? Mind Body Green . Retrieved from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15295/how-do-you-actually-learn-to-love-yourself.html.
  • Well, T. (2017). Is self-love healthy or narcissistic? Psychology Today . Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-clarity/201702/is-self-love-healthy-or-narcissistic
  • Wong, K. (2017). Why self-compassion beats self-confidence . The New York Times . Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/28/smarter-living/why-self-compassion-beats-self-confidence.html

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Robbie

Love the work and appreciate the time and effort you put into this. Thank you!

Tena

hello i wanted a clarity, compassion itself is an action word, it means to feel for the other and willing to do something to relieve the sufferings. In such a definition, self- compassion should mean, not just acknowledging with my own negative feelings but also doing something in order to relieve myself from it and move towards higher energy state. Actions are in the form of self-love just because there is a word, otherwise self-compassion itself give the entire meaning. Would you agree?

Nicole Celestine, Ph.D.

I would suggest that self-compassion may not always require that you take action. For instance, I might find myself feeling lethargic and unmotivated to act in any way at all. This might be due to any number of circumstances — I could be grieving, suffering from physical pain, or experiencing depression. If I’m to view myself with self-compassion, I would view myself with kindness and understanding, regardless of whether I ultimately took action, rather than beating myself, calling myself ‘bad’ for not doing all the things I should do, etc. That is, I would still know that I am worthy and deserving of love and kindness regardless by virtue of just ‘being’ rather than as a result of anything I am ‘doing’.

And yes, self-love is about the specific actions that we take to show ourselves kindness. So, I’d say self-compassion can exist before or in the absence of action.

Hopefully this is makes sense!

– Nicole | Community Manager

Ashley Dover

Wow this article is going to change my life. It was so informative with information for ALL different learners. It was not your typical article filled of words, words and more words. I love that there are great handouts, worksheets, tips, references quotes and much more.

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Very much informative information thank you

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Wonderful insight!! Thanx!!

John Omaha, Ph.D., MFT

I did a search for “self compassion” and found your excellent article. Thank you. I am struggling. I am an adult child of emotionally immature parents. Father narcissist (physician). Mother controlling. I’ve recently turned 80 and retired from doing psychotherapy (MFT) and am working on a book. I’ve done two already. “Requiem for a Dying World.” I am dealing with depression. Sadness. Grief. My poor Little Johnny needs compassion and hopefully as I digest your article I can learn to give it to him.

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an article about self love

3 Self-Compassion Tools (PDF)

en

The Magic of Loving Yourself First

What happens when we actually start practicing self-love, instead of just talking about it?

Practice the magic of self-love at a Wanderlust 108! Find Out More | Buy Tickets

In a world where we’ve been raised to put others first, self-love can often feel selfish. Setting aside time for self-love causes feelings of guilt, and we struggle to maintain a dedicated self-love practice. It’s frustrating. We know we need self-love, yet we have difficulty giving ourselves permission to experience it. Ironic, isn’t it?

We’re living in an era where the self-love revolution is gaining momentum, yet we have trouble doing the work ; it goes against everything we were raised to believe. We were never taught self-love in school, and most of us didn’t learn about self-love in our homes.

So what did we learn?

We learned to put others first. We learned the importance of success. We learned to work hard and make money. But we didn’t learn how to keep ourselves feeling fueled for that journey.

Self-love is our fuel; it’s the foundation for who we are . Everything builds on top of this foundation, and if it isn’t solid, life feels shaky. For those of us who have experienced the power of self-love, we can agree that the effects can often feel quite magical. The moment we start loving ourselves, we experience shifts—positive shifts. Life begins to move forward with more ease and things begin to magically fall into place. Relationships improve. Health improves. And life begins to feel good—really good— ridiculously good.

Loving you first and creating that deep, internal relationship has countless magical benefits. When you begin your love affair with yourself, you will…

Recognize + Prioritize Your Needs

In order to create that loving relationship with yourself, you’ll have to recognize your needs. Without self-love, you are dismissive of your needs; you ignore them, while prioritizing the needs of others such as your partners, friends, family, and coworkers. Self-love is all about identifying your needs  and making them a priority in your life. It’s about doing what truly feels right for you.

Gain a True Sense of Self

Say goodbye to codependency. Self-love pushes you to take care of your own needs. You’ll learn to give to yourself, and in doing so, you will develop into the person you strive to be. You’ll celebrate the beauty and freedom of being true to you, and you’ll gain a solidified sense of who you truly are. Self-love helps you ground into your true self.

Set Loving Boundaries

As your self-love expands, so will your ability to identify what is and isn’t good for you. Simply put, the more you love yourself, the less you’ll tolerate being treated like crap. You’ll gain the clarity you need to understand what you will and will not accept in your life.

Prevent Self-Sabotage

You know when everything is finally going great, and then all of a sudden you sabotage that great feeling by doing something destructive? Self-love makes that saboteur behavior go away. As we grow that love within you, it will become easier to accept good things in your life.

Drop the Victim Mentality

Self-love is all about taking ownership; owning up to your actions, and how you choose to show up in this world. The only reason you adopt a victim mentality is because you refuse to see the role you play in your experiences. When you begin to prioritize self-love, you start to view your experiences differently. It’s all about learning lessons, not denying them. Ownership is empowering.

Give Love Without Feeling Depleted

Flight attendants always tell you to put your masks on before helping others with theirs. Why? Because you can’t help others if you can’t breathe. Self-love works the same way. You cannot give love to others if you don’t have that love within . You may feel as though you have the ability to love, but what’s really happening is you’re giving love from an empty space, further draining your energy and emptying your tank. This leads to that sense of depletion, emptiness, and exhaustion after you feel yourself giving, giving, and giving to someone. However, when you remember to put your mask on first and stock up on self-love, you’ll be giving love from a full tank. This type of giving feels energizing and good.

Find Your Own Happy

Stop seeking happiness outside of you. You won’t find it. You may find temporary happy moments, but you won’t find long-lasting happiness. Self-love helps you get your groove back. It’s simple, really. The more love you show yourself, the better you feel. And the better you feel, the happier you become. You are in charge of your happiness, and self-love is the key to finding it.

Self-love is not selfish. Self-love is about connecting to your innermost needs, celebrating the freedom of being you, and honoring who you truly are while dropping your destructive patterns. Loving yourself is magical—it’s a divine relationship that will help you radically improve every single aspect of your life. So go on, drop the guilt, and embrace having a deep, loving relationship with YOU .

Ruby Fremon is a coach, catalyst, and ignitor. She helps Millennial women radically boost self-love and create lives that make them ridiculously happy. Imagine how groovy it would feel to wake up feeling amazing about yourself and your life, every single day? It’s possible, and Ruby will help you get there. She combines her love for ‘woo’ with her passion for coaching. Crystals, Tarot, and channeling messages are all part of what makes her life-changing coaching programs unique. What makes Ruby a truly dynamic coach is her ability to blend together practicality with spirituality. This fusion helps her clients create massive life shifts that stick.

Ready to experience a radical boost in happiness and self-love? Apply for a Soul Clarity Session with Ruby at  iamru.by/letstalk . 

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The science of self-love: the evidence-based benefits of loving yourself

Dr. Andleeb Asghar

Self-love is seen by many as a futile, even narcissistic pursuit. With influencers urging you to love yourself without much substance to their advice, the concept of self-love may seem like an empty one. However, there is lots of scientific evidence suggesting that self-love can have a positive impact on your mental health, self-esteem, and overall life satisfaction.

Modern society creates so much pressure on people — whether it’s pressure to achieve status, wealth, or beauty — that it can sometimes feel easier to focus on our failures and ignore the areas where we have grown. This strive for perfection can make us forget to take care of our basic needs, such as psychological safety, companionship, and personal creativity.

Self-love is not selfish. Self-love is about acknowledging the need to take care of our needs, not our wants, and to work towards self-betterment instead of sacrificing our needs to prioritize the happiness of others.

The self-positivity bias

Nowadays, the definition of self-love has moved away from its traditional negative connotations such as narcissism and selfishness. It is seen as a positive psychology practice which can help people better manage their emotions and their mental health.

As Jeffrey Borenstein, President of the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, puts it : “Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others.”

The scientific term for self-love is self-positivity bias, which is defined as the way people rate themselves as possessing more positive personality traits and displaying more positive behaviors than the average population.

Cultivating this self-positivity bias has many evidence-based benefits. Eric Fields and Gina R. Kuperberg, both researchers from the Department of Psychology at Tufts University, explain that: “Positively biased self-views are argued to be a key component of healthy psychological functioning, influencing self-esteem, motivation, and determination. Indeed, a lack of a self-positivity bias (or even a self-negativity bias) may contribute to mood and anxiety disorder.”

Here are some of the evidence-based benefits of self-love, or self-positivity bias:

  • Better mental health
  • More self-acceptance
  • Higher self-esteem
  • More motivation
  • Stronger determination
  • Increased self-awareness
  • Less anxiety
  • Better sleep

The great news is that, even though it may be more difficult for some people compared to others, anyone can learn how to practice self-love.

Five ways to practice self-love

Fundamentally, self-love is mostly about managing our inner critic so we can develop a more nuanced view of our failures, and appreciate all our effort and personal growth in a kind, loving, and respectful way towards ourselves.

  • Avoid negative self-talk. In her book , Dr. Kristin Neff asks: “What type of language do you use with yourself when you notice a flaw or make a mistake? Do you insult yourself or do you take a more kind and understanding tone? If you are highly self-critical, how does that make you feel inside?” Paying attention to how you internally talk to yourself is the most important step in learning how to cultivate self-love.
  • Create personal rituals. The main difference between habits and rituals is how aware and intentional you are. Rituals are meaningful practices with a deep sense of purpose. Take time out of your busy day for self-care rituals, whether it’s giving love to your body by exercising, or giving love to your mind by meditating .
  • Set healthy boundaries. It can be hard to love yourself when people around you are not respecting your time or acknowledging your value, whether at work or in your daily life. Getting out of the yes autopilot and learning to say no to protect your time and energy is a powerful way to practice self-love.
  • Be compassionate towards yourself. Self-compassion is very similar to being compassionate towards other people. It consists in noticing that you are suffering and offering yourself understanding and kindness. As Dr. Kristin Neff puts it: “​​You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are.”
  • Make space for self-reflection. Sometimes, things don’t go to plan. Instead of blaming yourself, fail like a scientist so you can learn from these failures and use them as an opportunity for personal growth. Self-reflection can take the form of a journaling practice, a weekly review, or a regular meeting with a trusted friend to reflect on your recent experiences and challenges.

As you can see, just a few changes can nurture more self-love. These changes can be as simple as appreciating our hard work and efforts without being overly or harshly critical, adopting healthy rituals, and setting healthy boundaries.

Self-love can lead to better mental health, higher self-esteem, more motivation, and many other evidence-based benefits. It doesn’t need to be cheesy. Give it a try, and don’t forget about the power of self-reflection. Failure is not the end of the world, it’s an opportunity for learning and personal growth.

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How to Love Yourself For Real, According to Therapists

By Amanda McCracken

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How-to-love-yourself advice is ubiquitous these days. Step into your favorite local gift shop and you’ll likely find self-love manifesting candles topped with rose quartz, positive-affirmation card decks, and pillows embossed with Brene Brown self-compassion quotes. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok and you’ll probably encounter influencer types spouting self-love advice that often ignores the many complex reasons why someone might struggle with self-worth—a barrage of “you just have to love yourself” toxic positivity that was brilliantly (and hilariously) portrayed in the second episode of Euphoria season 2.

Self-love sells. Are we really buying it, though? Kat from Euphoria certainly isn’t, but while it may seem cheesy or oversimplified, most mental health professionals will tell you, in one way or another, that being kinder to and more accepting of yourself is important for both mental well-being and healthy relationships. However, a variety of factors (trauma, years of self-criticism, and systemic discrimination to name a few) can make this simple-sounding practice way more complicated—and much easier said than done.

Chances are, if you’ve clicked on this article, you could use some support in the self-compassion area. That’s why we consulted a few therapists who specialize in the topic. Read on for their practical tips on how to (actually) love yourself—no inspirational quotes required (but no shame if those help you, either).

1. Think of self-love as a practice, not a destination—and define it for yourself.

There is no finish line you cross when you officially love yourself. Self-love is neither constant nor permanent. It’s also not the same thing as being “in love” with yourself, so if the word “love” doesn’t feel right to you, consider working toward acceptance or neutrality. “We often define love in this fairytale sense where everything needs to be perfect and then apply that same pressure to self-love, which isn’t realistic,” Whitney Goodman, LMFT, author of Toxic Positivity : Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy , tells SELF. We don’t have to love everything about ourselves, and certain days will be easier than others. Just like with other long-term relationships, sometimes loving ourselves is “just commitment, perseverance, acceptance, or general neutrality,” licensed clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, PhD , assistant professor at Northwestern University and author of Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want , tells SELF. And don’t expect to cultivate new thought patterns overnight: Like any habit, accepting and being kinder to yourself takes practice.

2. Know that you don’t have to love your reality in order to love (or accept, or forgive) yourself.

Imagine your closest friends and family members who show up with love for you when you’re at your worst, least successful, insert-negative-adjective self. Now ask yourself if you’d treat yourself the same way. We love our friends and family despite their faults, but it’s so hard for many of us to love our faulty selves. “When we realize that perfection is not the prerequisite to being loved by other people or loving yourself, we can begin to practice self-acceptance and, maybe eventually, self-love,” Adia Gooden, PhD , a licensed clinical psychologist whose TED Talk on “unconditional self-worth” has been viewed nearly 1 million times, tells SELF.

But anyone who’s been weighed down by woulds, shoulds, and coulds knows that accepting your mistakes and imperfections can feel near impossible. “When I work with clients, I see the majority of their suffering coming from a longing for things to be different from how they are,” Goodman says. She uses a dialectical behavior therapy practice called “radical acceptance” to help people accept the reality of their lives while also having hope for the future.

This practice is rooted in the theory that to accept our imperfect selves, we must first acknowledge our reality. “What we resist persists,” Dr. Gooden says. In other words, if you deny what’s happening, you’re more likely to get stuck in negative self-talk (“It shouldn’t be this way” or “I shouldn’t have done that”). Conversely, if you practice acknowledging your reality in non-judgmental terms (“This is my situation” or “This is what happened”) you’ll be better able to accept and move past the things you can’t control. The word “accept” is key here—you don’t have to like what’s happening, Dr. Gooden emphasizes. For example, it’s okay and natural to feel disappointed that you didn’t get called back for a second interview, but accepting the facts of the situation (“They didn’t call me back and I’m disappointed”) can prevent you from feeling like you are a disappointment. The idea is to avoid getting stuck in a self-blame spiral by first validating your thoughts and feelings, and then practicing self-acceptance instead of repeatedly berating yourself for what you should’ve done differently (yes, even if you mispronounced the company’s name).

Self-forgiveness is another practice that can foster self-love and acceptance, Dr. Gooden says. Again, forgiving yourself is often much easier in theory than it is in practice, but one way she recommends letting yourself off the hook is to identify the wisdom you gained from a discouraging situation. If, for example, a relationship doesn’t work out, try not to be hard on yourself for the five months you invested in the other person or a way you acted that you’re not proud of. Instead, ask yourself what you learned during those months that might benefit you in the future. Self-love doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes; it supports us in taking responsibility when we do something we’re not happy about so we can more easily move forward, Dr. Gooden says.

Also important to note: The process of learning to accept and/or forgive yourself may bring up deep sadness. “When you think about how much time you’ve spent beating yourself up, comparing yourself to others, or being convinced that you were bad or broken, there can be quite a bit of grief,” Dr. Solomon says. It’s normal and even healthy to grant yourself time to feel that loss, she says, so long as you eventually work on accepting whatever happened in the past so you can move forward—and embrace your future as an opportunity to live differently.

3. Challenge your negative mental narrative by sticking to the facts.

Buddhists explain suffering as two arrows. The first arrow is the unfortunate event that happened to us—a painful arrow outside of our control. The second arrow is the story we tell ourselves about that event—this suffering is self-inflicted. Self-love, Dr. Solomon says, means not shooting ourselves with that second arrow. The first arrow, for example, could be the fact that a loved one dies of COVID-19. The second arrow could be you telling yourself that they wouldn’t have died if you’d convinced them to go to the doctor sooner. Or it might be you telling yourself that you should have spent the holidays with them, despite the fact that they weren’t vaccinated. In other words, a situation can be emotionally painful, of course, but the story we tell ourselves about it is often the main source of our suffering. The good news is, we can work on not adding to our pain with this negative narrative, Dr. Solomon says.

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If, however, regrets or other negative thoughts start seeping in about a painful event, Goodman suggests we look at the facts. “Is there any evidence against these thoughts? Is there anything you can identify that makes things seem less bleak? You’re not denying reality, but instead pointing out all the things that exist at once,” Goodman says. So you got laid off from your job—does that mean you’re bad at what you do? Is there evidence that proves it had nothing to do with your performance? Or perhaps your performance at work has suffered due to challenges outside of your control. Or maybe you really weren’t great at your job because it was a bad match for your skills and strengths—but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. By identifying all the facts, you’re better able to recognize what you are and aren’t in control of—and to avoid letting a challenging event define your self-worth.

Another way to challenge our inner negative narrative is to ask ourselves where those thoughts are coming from, Dr. Gooden says. For example, maybe social media posts that trigger comparison can fuel negative self-talk. Consider those filtered Instagram pics from someone you haven’t seen since high school that make you feel your life pales in comparison to theirs or that you’re somehow less worthy. Dr. Gooden suggests asking yourself, “Where is that story coming from?” and “Is it actually true?” Those questions may help you realize that negative thoughts about yourself often aren’t facts, but results of cultural or childhood conditioning.

Sometimes we internalize the voice of a hyper-critical parent, for example, Dr. Solomon says: The mother with low self-esteem who berated herself when she made mistakes. Or the father who was quick to point out his perceived physical flaws. Breaking intergenerational patterns is hard to do but it can also be an empowering step in cultivating self-love. “It’s exciting to realize that negative patterns, like being severely critical of your body or abilities, can stop with you,” Dr. Solomon says.

Self-love isn’t about blaming our parents or caregivers. It’s possible that they did the best they could at the time they were raising you and you didn’t get what you needed when you were little. “We are not responsible for the ways in which we were hurt, misunderstood, or neglected by caregivers when we were children,” Dr. Solomon says. “But it is our responsibility, as adults, to address and adjust the coping strategies we developed to deal with that pain.” Again, learning to accept what happened in the past so you can move through it—maybe with a therapist , if you’re struggling on your own—can help you grow closer to self-love, she says.

4. Acknowledge that oppression and trauma can make self-love even more challenging. 

If you belong to a marginalized or historically oppressed group, you may internalize societal messages telling you you’re not valuable. And even if you don’t believe those messages about your particular group are true about you, says Dr. Gooden, there can be pressure to overperform in an attempt to disprove them. “Some people start to neglect their physical, emotional, and mental needs in the process of trying to prove, on an outward level, that they’re worthy and that they deserve respect,” she says.

It can also be harder for survivors of trauma, who often struggle with shame and self-blame, to believe they are worthy of love. With interpersonal trauma, like sexual assault or something else that violates boundaries, the implicit message is that you’re not worthy of respect. “It’s very common for survivors of trauma to internalize that message and think, There must be something wrong with me that this person did this to me,” Dr. Gooden says.

Working through oppression and trauma can be incredibly challenging on your own, which is why both Dr. Gooden and Dr. Solomon recommend unpacking these issues with a therapist, if you’re able—here’s some advice for finding a culturally competent therapist , as well as some tips for finding an affordable one . But trying to be kinder to our bodies can be one small step toward healing. “When we honor our bodies, we can shift our relationship with them away from judgment and acknowledge that they—and we—are worthy of love and care,” Dr. Gooden says. What does honoring your body look like? She recommends soothing self-care classics like taking a warm bath with essential oils or scented candles, or queueing up some of your favorite songs and dancing it out in your living room. But your body-centered kindness doesn’t have to look like that. Going for a walk , feeding yourself a delicious meal, or wearing comfortable pants, for example, might be more appealing to you.

5. Practice setting boundaries—in real life and online—to build self-worth.

Setting safe boundaries in relationships is an important step in cultivating self-love. Avoid giving your time and energy to people—parents, friends, or partners—who trigger feelings of unworthiness, Dr. Solomon advises. “Part of practicing self-love is not seeking water from an empty well,” she says. “I recommend making relational and sexual choices that center around pleasure, comfort, safety, and communication.” You might have to end a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself (a red flag in romantic relationships ), for example. And if you can’t necessarily stop all communication right away or at all (in the case of a demanding boss, say, or a critical parent), try practicing radical acceptance (as outlined above) and setting even small boundaries, Dr. Solomon says—like ending a phone conversation with a loved one who’s bringing you down, or not checking your work email after a certain time in the evening.

6. Remind yourself that loving—or at least accepting—yourself is a worthwhile pursuit.

As we mentioned earlier, social media influencers may make self-love seem superficial or even toxic (as in, using it as a way to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions or attributing success to “self-love” instead of privilege). But loving yourself has the potential to profoundly impact your life if you define it as an acceptance of who you are and a commitment to personal growth. “Self-love isn’t navel-gazing and never contributing to the world. It’s actually the best foundation to have a loving, healthy partnership with someone else. It’s the best foundation to be a parent. It’s the best foundation to share your gifts as you work in the world,” Dr. Gooden says.

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‘ Self-love ’ might seem selfish. But done right, it’s the opposite of narcissism

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“To love what you are, the thing that is yourself, is just as if you were embracing a glowing red-hot iron” said psychonalyst Carl Jung .

Some may argue this social media generation does not seem to struggle with loving themselves. But is the look-at-me-ism so easily found on TikTok and Instagram the kind of self-love we need in order to flourish?

The language of positive psychology can be – and often is – appropriated for all kinds of self-importance, as well as cynical marketing strategies.

Loving yourself, though, psychological experts stress, is not the same as behaving selfishly. There’s a firm line between healthy and appropriate forms of loving yourself, and malignant or narcissistic forms. But how do we distinguish between them?

In 2023, researchers Eva Henschke and Peter Sedlmeier conducted a series of interviews with psychotherapists and other experts on what self-love is. They’ve concluded it has three main features: self-care, self-acceptance and self-contact (devoting attention to yourself).

But as an increasingly individualistic society, are we already devoting too much attention to ourselves?

an article about self love

Philosophy and self-love

Philosophers and psychology experts alike have considered the ethics of self-love.

Psychology researcher Li Ming Xue and her colleagues, exploring the notion of self-love in Chinese culture , claim “Western philosophers believe that self-love is a virtue”. But this is a very broad generalisation.

In the Christian tradition and in much European philosophy, says philosopher Razvan Ioan , self-love is condemned as a profoundly damaging trait.

On the other hand, many of the great Christian philosophers , attempting to make sense of the instruction to love one’s neighbour as oneself, admitted certain forms of self-love were virtuous. In order to love your neighbour as yourself, you must, it would seem, love yourself.

In the Western philosophical context, claim Xue and her colleagues, self-love is concerned with individual rights – “society as a whole only serves to promote an individual’s happiness”.

an article about self love

This individualistic, self-concerned notion of self-love, they suggest, might come from the Ancient Greek philosophers. In particular, Aristotle. But Aristotle thought only the most virtuous , who benefited the society around them, should love themselves. By making this connection, he avoided equating self-love with self-centredness.

We should love ourselves not out of vanity, he argued, but in virtue of our capacity for good. Does Aristotle, then, provide principled grounds for distinguishing between proper and improper forms of self-love?

Read more: Friday essay: 3 ways philosophy can help us understand love

Bar too high?

Aristotle might set the bar too high. If only the most virtuous should try to love themselves, this collides head-on with the idea loving yourself can help us improve and become more virtuous – as philosophers Kate Abramson and Adam Leite have argued .

Many psychologists claim self-love is important for adopting the kind and compassionate self-perception crucial for overcoming conditions that weaponise self-criticism, like clinical perfectionism and eating disorders .

More broadly, some argue compassion for oneself is necessary to support honest insights into your own behaviour. They believe we need warm and compassionate self-reflection to avoid the defensiveness that comes with the fear of judgement – even if we’re standing as our own judge.

For this reason, a compassionate form of self-love is often necessary to follow Socrates’ advice to “know thyself”, says philosopher Jan Bransen . Positive self-love, by these lights, can help us grow as people.

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Self-love ‘misguided and silly’

But not everyone agrees you need self-love to grow. The late philosopher Oswald Hanfling was deeply sceptical of this idea. In fact, he argued the notion of loving oneself was misguided and silly. His ideas are mostly rejected by philosophers of love, but pointing out where they go wrong can be useful.

When you love someone, he said, you’re prepared to sacrifice your own interests for those of your beloved. But he thought the idea of sacrificing your own interests made no sense – which shows, he concluded, we can’t love ourselves.

I may sacrifice an immediate satisfaction for the sake of my welfare in the future, as in the case of giving up smoking. In this case, however, my motive is not love but self-interest. What I reveal in giving up smoking is not the extent of my love for myself, but an understanding that the long-term benefits of giving it up are likely to exceed the present satisfaction of going on with it.

We often have conflicting interests (think of someone who is agonising over two different career paths) – and it’s not at all strange to sacrifice certain interests for the sake of others.

This is not just a question of sacrificing short-term desires in favour of a long-term good, but a matter of sacrificing something of value for your ultimate benefit (or, so you hope).

Read more: What is love? In pop culture, love is often depicted as a willingness to sacrifice, but ancient philosophers took a different view

  • Self-compassion

Hanfling fails to consider the role of compassionate self-love. While we might understand it’s in our interests to do something (for instance, repair bridges with someone we’ve fallen out with), it might take a compassionate and open disposition towards ourselves to recognise what’s in our best interests.

We might need this self-compassion, too, in order to admit our failures – so we can overcome our defensiveness and see clearly how we’re failing to fulfil these interests .

Self-acceptance in this context does not mean giving ourselves licence to run roughshod over the interests of those around us, nor to justify our flaws as “valid” rather than work on them.

Self-love, as promoted by contemporary psychologists, means standing in a compassionate relationship to ourselves. And there’s nothing contradictory about this idea.

Just as we strive to develop a supportive, kind relationship to the people we care about – and just as this doesn’t involve uncritical approval of everything they do – compassionate self-love doesn’t mean abandoning valid self-criticism.

In fact, self-compassion has the opposite effect. It promotes comfort with the kind of critical self-assessment that helps us grow – which leads to resilience. It breeds the opposite of narcissistic self-absorption.

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Four ways to foster self-love and self-improvement.

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Mentorship is one way you can share your gifts with others.

February is a month to celebrate love, but what about centering self-love by bettering yourself personally or professionally?

If being better to yourself was somewhere on your New Year’s resolutions, now is also a good time to check in on the progress! Whether you are a leader, CEO, or looking to take that next step in your career, how can you resolve to be your best self this year? I have a few ideas.

1. Collaborate

One powerful way to foster self-love, as well as personal and professional growth, is through collaboration.

Collaboration is something I discuss in my book Culture Through Crisis: One Team’s Commitment to Winning With Purpose , highlighting that a strong, collaborative culture can allow a company to adapt more easily during difficult times. By actively seeking new opportunities to work with others, we expand our knowledge and skills and cultivate a sense of community. You never know when you’ll need the support of your teammates.

You also never know how and where a collaboration can happen. From partnering with team members on a project to joining a new-to-you professional network to getting out into the community, collaboration can occur in ways you might never expect. Be open, expand your network, and await great things.

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I also mentioned Medix’s core purpose of positively impacting lives in the book. This idea puts people first and ensures those we interact with are impacted during those encounters. This also includes our teammates, as bettering the lives of those around us is important to not just their growth but the company's and your own.

As a leader, it is important to develop future leaders who can help build your company through mentorship, coaching, and knowledge sharing. Being a mentor plays a pivotal role in nurturing self-love and growth. It allows the mentor to offer guidance, wisdom, and support, significantly accelerating a journey toward becoming your best self.

Mentorship provides a unique opportunity for learning and self-discovery for both you and your new collaborator. Don’t miss this chance for meaningful growth!

3. Find Your Purpose

Do you remember your purpose or do you need to start from scratch? You can begin by realigning your core values and figuring out what they mean to you now in this phase of your life.

Discovering your purpose is essential for cultivating self-love and fulfillment. As I mentioned in Chapter 3 of Culture Through Crisis , our core values at Medix include a desire to serve others, locking arms to achieve goals, never, never, never giving up, and being willing to do what others won’t. For me, it’s important to check in from time to time to ensure my personal and professional values align with those of my company culture.

Reflecting on our values, passions, and aspirations allows us to align our actions with our true selves. Whether it’s through introspection, journaling, or seeking guidance from mentors and coaches, clarifying our purpose empowers us to live authentically and pursue meaningful goals.

4. Check In With Yourself

In my book, We talk about empathy for others, but what about for yourself? Prioritizing self-care and well-being are integral components of professional growth. It’s never too late to adjust your goals. What better time than now to prioritize maintaining a healthy work-life balance, establishing boundaries, and allocating time for relaxation, hobbies, and self-reflection?

Nurturing your physical, mental, and emotional well-being enhances your resilience, creativity, and overall performance everywhere, from home to the workplace!

By weaving these strategies into your current goals, you can nurture self-love and growth and achieve greater fulfillment and success in the year ahead.

Andrew Limouris

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What Is Your Self-Love Language?

You’re fluent in nurturing and championing others, but what makes you feel adored? Learning to treat yourself well is the first step to real fulfillment. This is your intro course.

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It’s okay if that question does not compute. “People often worry about whether or not they deserve self-love, and that can be a block for them,” says Kristin Neff , PhD, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, and a pioneer researcher in the study of self-compassion. But Neff believes we’re all worthy of self-love. “Ask yourself, When a baby is born, does it have to earn the right to love and care? Of course not!” she says, adding that “learning to practice self-love is not selfish or self-centered—it’s a gift to others,” because a person who has learned to love themselves is way more pleasant to be around than one who hasn’t.

You can certainly try applying the classic love languages to yourself. But to feel truly valued and fulfilled, experts suggest asking yourself what you wish others would do for you and doing it for yourself. To that end, we conferred with mental health experts to determine six new self-love languages. Read these descriptions and find the one that makes you say, “I could really use more of that in my life.” Then try our challenges to sharpen your inner dialogue.

Self-Love Language No. 1

People-pleasers, listen up: It’s time to turn the art of delighting other people, which you’ve perfected, inward. You know what thrills you, but with only so many hours on the clock, finding time to make your own day falls right off the iCal. This language is “about creating space for joy in our life by literally scheduling it,” says cognitive psychotherapist Niro Feliciano , author of This Book Won’t Make You Happy . The first step is thinking about what brings you real happiness—well beyond the vegged-out satiation of a TV binge. Is it listening to inspiring music? Surfing, biking, painting, or whatever you used to do before life got complicated? If you’re stumped, a good starting point is making time to connect with other people. Feliciano cites the decades-long Harvard Study of Adult Development, which shows that well-being is linked to genuine relationships, community, and connection. Her dose of delight is scheduling at least one—and as many as three—walks with a friend each week. “I’m busy, I want to exercise, but I want to see friends, and this enables me to do both,” she says. “It enhances my wellness physically and emotionally.”

The Delight Challenge: Ask yourself what brings you joy; then see to it that you get it.

  • Schedule a playdate. Maybe it’s coffee with a colleague after a morning meeting, yoga class with a friend, or getting to a weekly appointment early so you can sit in the car and talk to your sister.
  • Book “free choice” time. Think back to kindergarten. When you got to pick the activity, what was it? If the answer is drawing, get yourself a sketchpad and go crazy. If you raced to the reading nook, carve out time to wander aimlessly through a local bookstore.
  • Romance yourself. Treat yourself to flowers at the greenmarket or a negroni at the new cafe you keep passing in the neighborhood.

Self-Love Language No. 2

If you’re a perfectionist, this is the language you need to start practicing. Grace is more than cutting yourself slack when you make a mistake (the way you would for anyone else). It’s allowing yourself to screw up in the first place. “Everyone makes mistakes. Why does it surprise and frustrate us when we do?” asks Feliciano. “When we’re able to accept that we’ve made one, we get unstuck and build resilience, the emotional mental flexibility to work through whatever it is.” The next time you mess up, try to find what’s understandable, or even amusing, in the situation, acknowledge that it could happen to anyone, that you might have learned a valuable lesson, and that you’re still a good person—one who will undoubtedly mess up again and still be a good person after that.

The Grace Challenge: Practice being a more understanding friend to yourself.

  • Share a screw-up with an empathetic friend. Shame grows in silence, so tell someone close to you what happened, workshop how you can learn from it, and move on.
  • Talk to yourself in the third person. It’s a scientific fact that this calms your heart rate and helps you see problems more rationally. “We are much better at advising others than we are ourselves,” explains Ethan Kross , PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan and author of Chatter . “We’ve done neuroscience research that shows when you use your own name—or the second-person pronoun you —to work through problems, it’s a linguistic tool that works really quickly.” Asking, What made [insert your name here] act that way, and what should she do now? affords you distance to address the question in a less emotional way than Why did I do that, and now what can I do about it?
  • Take a grace break. The Self-Compassion Guided Practices and Exercises section of Neff’s website offers five-to-20-minute self-compassion exercises, including writing a letter to yourself and using self-touch techniques to activate your parasympathetic (aka “rest and digest”) nervous system.

Self-Love Language No. 3

Encouragement.

Have you ever been told, “You’re your own worst enemy”? That’s the hallmark of someone who needs to learn the grammar of encouragement, which means—brace yourself—being your own cheerleader. If you can’t imagine saying, “Good morning, queen!” to the mirror while brushing your teeth, start smaller with the same boosts you’d give a friend. “Even if you’re really feeling low, something encouraging, like ‘Just try your best,’ can feel authentic,” says Neff.

Then, throughout your day, look for opportunities to note things you genuinely like about yourself—the way you mentor young people, your patience with your aging parents. “We all tend to seek validation externally, but if we depend on it for our identity and self-worth, it gets dangerous,” says Feliciano. “If we can affirm the fact that we are good, capable, and strong, we have the power to validate ourselves.” In her case, that means reframing the negative thought she used to have every morning when she woke up— How am I going to drive four kids to four different after-school activities? —to this simple statement: I can do this. And if it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done.

The Encouragement Challenge: Follow these practices until praising yourself is second nature.

  • Give yourself a freebie—or three. You know about negativity bias—how our brains are wired to notice and remember errors, danger, and bad feelings rather than good. Way back in the day, this was for evolutionary survival. Try doing the opposite. Notice what goes right—including things you accomplish on autopilot, without any fanfare. If you’re a list-maker, include a few gimmes: Email article to dad. Order sunblock for trip. Make a salad for lunch. Once they happen, cross them off with a flourish.
  • Pay yourself a real compliment. Look in the mirror and focus on something you like about yourself. Maybe it’s the color of your eyes or the dimple that appears when you smile—there it is!
  • Pump yourself up with an inspiring playlist. Be the pro athlete wearing headphones as she walks out onto the field or court—all focus, all fierceness.

Self-Love Language No. 4

Are you just a girl who can’t say no when someone asks for your time or talent? Have you been called the P-word (as in pushover )? For some of us, learning to set limits takes a lifetime. But, says Feliciano, setting boundaries “keeps us sane, prolongs our ability to be compassionate, and prevents us from becoming resentful.” In other words, much as we love to help, sometimes we have to say no to others—to the IT-challenged colleague, the overbearing relative, the email-happy neighborhood association president—and say yes to ourselves.

The Boundaries Challenge: “When we recognize our limits and honor them, it’s a form of loving ourselves,” says Feliciano. Start here.

  • Set “quiet hours.” Take a cue from Shonda Rhimes, whose email signature says it all: “ I do not answer calls or emails after 7 p.m. or on weekends, and if you work for me, may I suggest that you put down your phone.” Tell coworkers what time you go offline every day, and stick to it.
  • Change the narrative. President Kennedy’s secretary of defense, Robert McNamara, is reported to have said, “Never answer the question that is asked of you. Answer the question that you wish had been asked of you.” Put this philosophy into play by telling people what you can offer: “I’m not making anything for the bake sale, but I’ll donate $20 toward the class trip fund.”
  • Have a few firm but gracious noes in your back pocket. Think of the polite refusals you’ve gotten; those are perfectly good responses from you, too. “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the time.” “I’m not available right now.” When in doubt, just smile and say, “No, thank you.”

Self-Love Language No. 5

If running yourself ragged is your favorite sport, this is your lingo. “Everything we do, including our longevity, depends on how well-rested we are—especially over the age of 50,” says Feliciano. “When we’re well-rested, our brain functions optimally, and our immune system is enhanced. But rest is something most of us don’t get enough of.” And she doesn’t mean just sleep: “Rest also means inactive downtime. Do you have time to be still, to reflect, to just take in what is around you?”

The Rest Challenge: Your brain might freak out at first, but it will thank you later.

  • Take proper breaks. Why is it that when we have lunch with a friend, we slow down and linger, but when we eat alone, we’re shoving a sandwich in our mouth with one hand and typing an email with the other? Value your breaks by truly taking them, even when you’re alone. Sit at the counter with your coffee in the morning, looking out the window rather than scrolling mindlessly. Get your salad to stay, and park yourself at an outdoor table to watch the world pass by.
  • Read a novel. This is another easy replacement for the soul-sapping scroll. According to a 2015 study from the Yale University School of Public Health, reading for 30 minutes daily can stave off dementia and even extend your life span for up to two years.
  • T ake it outside. Dogs get to go for walks and lie in the sun, and they seem pretty self-satisfied. Learn their tricks. (There’s also plenty of research that shows being in nature reduces anxiety and depression, but what we’re after here is leisure—a chance for you to get some fresh air and relax.)

Self-Love Language No. 6

Maybe you’ve gotten used to being the adult in the room (and we mean a room full of grown people!). If so, ask yourself: Remember being a kid and fantasizing about all the things you could be and do when you grew up? When and why did that stop? “We’re often facilitating other people’s dreams, making things happen for our kids, our families, our employers,” says Feliciano. “But you need to do that for yourself, too. Ask, Where would I like to be, and what would I like to be doing five years from now? ” Once you know the answer, start working toward that vision. “Taking even small steps toward your goal leads to more contentment and fulfillment,” says Feliciano.

The Dreaming Challenge: Not a vision board person? Try these exercises.

  • Play pretend. Write a scene from your life five years from now and write it in the present tense—not “I will be cooking dinner for friends at our cottage by the lake” but “I’m cooking dinner for friends at our cottage by the lake.” You might never own a lake house, but maybe you’ll start renting one for a week each summer.
  • Become a beginner. You love being a dental surgeon, but after thousands of procedures, even a complex root canal is routine. Try something new and a little scary—like singing lessons or an adult ballet class—with no expectations. Your brain will start firing on all synapses, and you may even discover a new passion.
  • Plan a trip. It can be a weekend away or a blowout vacay. A study published in Psychological Science found that people derive more pleasure from anticipating an experience they’ve booked than from waiting to receive a material object they purchased; and a survey conducted by Washington State University found that people who travel frequently report being about 7 percent happier than those who don’t, even if they go just 75 miles away from home.

A New-York-based freelance writer and editor, Eleni N. Gage is the author of the travel memoir North of Ithaka, the novels Other Waters and The Ladies of Managua, the gift book Lucky in Love: Traditions, Customs, and Rituals to Personalize Your Wedding, and the children’s ebook Wiggly Tooth.

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The Essential Path to Self-Love

S elf-love is a journey, a necessary path to true contentment and wellbeing. It’s about embracing who you are, understanding your worth, and treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you offer others.

This article dives deep into the art of self-love. We’ll explore what it means to truly love oneself, why it’s crucial, and practical ways to cultivate this important relationship. The path to self-love isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most rewarding journeys you can embark on.

Understanding Self-Love

What is self-love.

Self-love is more than just a buzzword; it’s a profound acceptance of who you are, including your strengths and weaknesses. It’s an ongoing process of recognizing your worth, regardless of external achievements or validation.

This self-acceptance means treating yourself with kindness, forgiving your mistakes, and not being overly critical. Self-love is the foundation of your mental and emotional wellbeing, influencing how you interact with the world and make decisions.

Self-Love vs. Selfishness

It’s essential to differentiate self-love from selfishness or narcissism. Unlike selfishness, which is often about putting your needs above others to their detriment, self-love is about ensuring your wellbeing without exploiting or harming others.

Narcissism, characterized by an inflated sense of importance, is also different from self-love. In contrast, self-love fosters a healthy relationship with oneself and others, based on mutual respect and understanding.

Recognizing the Signs of a Lack of Self-Love

Recognizing when you’re lacking in self-love is the first step towards change. Signs of inadequate self-love include constant self-criticism, neglecting your needs, and a tendency to put others’ needs consistently before your own.

You might also find yourself seeking external validation to feel worthy or setting unrealistically high standards for yourself. These behaviors can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a decrease in overall wellbeing.

Overcoming Barriers to Self-Love

Identifying common barriers.

Several barriers can hinder the development of self-love. Societal pressures to conform to certain standards, past negative experiences, and trauma can significantly impact how you view yourself. Understanding these barriers is crucial to overcoming them.

Strategies to Overcome Barriers

Overcoming these barriers often involves challenging negative beliefs and developing a more compassionate inner dialogue. Therapy, mindfulness practices, and self-reflection can be effective tools in this process.

Remember, breaking down these barriers is a gradual process that requires patience and perseverance.

Practical Tips for Cultivating Self-Love

Daily practices.

Incorporate daily practices that reinforce self-love. This could include positive affirmations, journaling about things you appreciate about yourself, or setting aside time for activities you enjoy. These practices help shift your focus from external validation to internal appreciation.

The Role of Self-Care

Self-care is a vital aspect of self-love. It’s about taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. This could mean getting enough sleep, eating nourishing foods, engaging in physical activities, or spending time in nature.

Self-care is about understanding what your body and mind need and making a conscious effort to provide it.

Setting Boundaries

Learning to say no and setting healthy boundaries is a powerful form of self-love. It’s about respecting your limits and not allowing others to take advantage of you. Boundaries help you maintain a sense of self and prevent burnout and resentment.

Mindfulness and Self-Love

Practicing mindfulness is a profound way to deepen your relationship with yourself. Mindfulness involves being fully present in the moment, observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This practice helps in recognizing and accepting your true self, fostering a more compassionate and loving attitude towards yourself.

Simple mindfulness exercises like focused breathing, mindful walking, or even eating can be seamlessly integrated into your daily routine, offering a path to greater self-awareness and self-love.

The Role of Positive Self-Talk

The language you use with yourself significantly impacts your self-esteem and confidence. Positive self-talk is about replacing negative, self-critical thoughts with affirmations and compassionate dialogue. This shift doesn’t happen overnight but requires consistent practice.

Start by becoming aware of your inner dialogue, and gently correct yourself when you slip into negative patterns. Replacing thoughts like “I can’t do this” with “I’ll do my best” can have a profound impact on how you view yourself and your capabilities.

Building a Supportive Environment

Influence of relationships.

The people you surround yourself with can significantly impact your journey towards self-love. Relationships filled with positivity, understanding, and support can reinforce your feelings of self-worth.

Conversely, toxic relationships can do the opposite. It’s important to evaluate your relationships and consider whether they contribute to or detract from your self-love.

Creating a Positive Support System

Actively seek and nurture relationships that encourage your growth and make you feel valued. This might mean spending more time with friends who uplift you, joining groups with like-minded individuals, or seeking a mentor.

A supportive environment isn’t just about the people; it’s also about creating a living space that reflects and enhances your sense of self-worth and peace.

Long-Term Strategies for Maintaining Self-Love

Maintaining self-love requires ongoing effort and commitment. It’s important to recognize that self-love isn’t a destination but a continuous journey.

Long-term strategies include setting personal goals that align with your values, continuing to practice self-care, and regularly reflecting on your progress. Remember, self-love is about growth, not perfection. Embrace your journey with patience and keep moving forward, even if you encounter setbacks.

Cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself is one of the most valuable investments you can make. By understanding and practicing self-love, you set the foundation for a fulfilling life, filled with respect, kindness, and genuine happiness.

The path to self-love is unique for each individual, but it’s a journey worth taking. Start today, and embrace the incredible journey of self-love, one step at a time.

The Essential Path to Self-Love

an article about self love

Self-Love vs. Self-Care: Finding the Balance for an Authentic Life

  • May 23, 2023

Woman looking out the window as a way to show self-love vs. self-care

Self-love and self-care have both found their way into the mainstream, and for good reason. They help us live our best lives.

While they work in tandem, more often than not, there’s confusion between self-love vs. self-care. 

“ Self-care is about surviving, while self-love is about thriving ,” explains Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani , co-founder of Mindvalley, in her book, Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living an Imperfectly Authentic Life . When you’re aware of which one is which, you’ll have a clearer understanding of your needs and how to best take care of them.

As author Katrina Mayer says, “ Loving yourself isn’t vanity; it’s sanity .” So give yourself the space to practice self-love and self-care; you may just find so much beauty, awe, and wonder that you never knew existed.

Self-Love vs. Self-Care: What’s the Difference?

Self-love? Self-care? Pshhh… Same difference. 

One would think so, right? After all, both help us better ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

But to say they’re one and the same is like saying apples and oranges are the same thing (when they’re clearly different). 

When it comes to self-love vs. self-care, one is about loving yourself, while the other is about taking care of yourself. And to give you a better understanding of each, let’s explore deeper into what they are separately. 

What is self-love?

The concept of self-love is a lot of things mixed into one— being kind to yourself , providing yourself with some compassion, and treating yourself with respect. And above all else, it’s about accepting and embracing all that is good about you as well as all the bad.

“ It is a relationship, not just an act of service ,” says Kristina in her book. That requires you to hear, understand, soothe, cry, laugh, play, and hold—all the things you need for a healthy relationship, especially one with yourself.

It’s like that verse from the Corinthians: “ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude .” While most will take that as love for another, it’s also applicable to self-love. Because that’s what it is, really—valuing your own worth and learning how to be authentic .

“ Loving yourself is a skill you have to master if you want to live a happy life ,” Kristina adds. “ Because self-love is the beginning of true transformation .”

What is self-care?

Self-care is basically giving yourself some TLC. It’s like a big ol’ hug you give yourself as a way to say, “ Thanks for being awesome .”

And there are endless ways to do things for yourself that make you feel good. For example, reading a good book or perfectly imperfect quotes , making a good cup of coffee, or even just putting on your favorite sweatpants and Netflix-ing it up for the night.

But is self-care an act of self-love? It is to a certain extent. 

Doing activities in all the different areas of your life is a way of showing yourself that you’re worthy of care and attention. However, self-care doesn’t equal self-love.

“ No amount of self-care can compensate for the lack of self-love ,” Kristina explains. “ You can be in excellent physical shape because you exercise vigorously, eat healthy, sleep well, take time for meditation, walks in nature, and massage, you can pamper yourself with spa treatments and occasional shopping and do all the proper rituals of self-care, but none of it adds much to how you actually feel about yourself deep inside .”

That said, knowing how to take care of yourself is still important. So much so that practicing self-care on the regular can reduce your stress levels and improve your mental health, according to a 2014 study . 

And when you feel good, you’re better able to handle all the stuff life throws at you.

What Does Self-Love vs. Self-Care Look Like?

So self-love is about accepting yourself, flaws and all. Self-care is taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

If it’s as simple as that, why do people confuse self-care vs. self-love? It’s a topic Kristina gets into in Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living an Imperfectly Authentic Life . 

“ Often, when we talk about self-love, we actually mean self-care ,” she explains. “ A lot of self-love rituals and practices mix up love for oneself with taking care of one’s mind and body .”

So what do self-love and self-care look like? Here’s a side-by-side comparison of the two:

Look at it this way: If you had a baby, you’d wash, feed, clothe, and teach them. These are all aspects of care. 

Then you also are present when they’re showing you something, you show empathy and compassion when they’re having a rough day, and you give them advice when they’re in need of it. These are all aspects of love.

While they’re separate entities, self-love and self-care go together like avocado and toast. They just make each other better.

By taking care of yourself, you show yourself love. And when you practice self-love, you create a foundation for practicing self-care. 

It’s a beautiful blend of self-improvement and self-acceptance that can help you live your best life.

Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani, author of Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living an Imperfectly Authentic Life

How to Love Yourself: 3 Tips From Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani

Happiness seems to be many people’s final destination in life. But in actuality, happiness is an experience that happens many times along the journey. 

So how can you enjoy it as it’s meant to be? Step one, learn to love yourself first. And Kristina has some incredibly powerful tips that can help.

1. Be honest with yourself

We all lie to ourselves, according to Kristina, and we’re often unaware of it. That’s okay as long as you’re honest about not being honest. 

So in order to love yourself, you need to really know who you are and what you stand for. It means acknowledging your feelings, recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, and accepting yourself as you are. It’s the essence, really, of being honest with yourself .

Doing so helps tone down the levels of stress and anxiety, which, as you may already know, leads to greater well-being. One study shows that when you self-reflect and are honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings, you’re more likely to feel happier and more satisfied with your life.

“Honesty is a sharp weapon,” says Kristina. “And you have to learn to use it properly before you start wielding it.”

How you can be honest with yourself: One great tool is to start journaling. Write down what you think would be the best version of yourself. 

Be brutally honest about every nook and cranny of what you think the perfect you would be. Be bold about it.

And in that dig for what you really want for yourself, you may just find the person inside is someone different than who you know. They may just be the exact person you’re looking for.

2. Show yourself kindness

Life can be challenging at times, so it’ll do you some good to cut out the self-criticism. Research has even shown that showing yourself kindness and compassion can do wonders for your life satisfaction and happiness.

As Kristina points out in her book, there’s magic in kindness, and you can be kind in certain situations where love can’t be expressed.

For example, you can be kind to someone, but you don’t have to necessarily love them, like an ex, a bully, or strangers on the street. You don’t even have to respect them. Or even truly care. But you can still be kind.

And that goes the same for self-compassion .

How you can show yourself kindness: Being present opens the way for kindness and acceptance toward yourself. As you become more aware of your own needs and feelings, you can respond to them in a caring and nurturing way.

“ You are the person who’s the most important in your life ,” says Kristina in her Mindvalley Quest. “ You have to treat yourself with kindness .”

One way to practice this is through loving-kindness meditation , where you focus specifically on compassion for yourself. 

3. Have the courage to live an authentic life

“Authenticity” is one of those buzzwords floating around—not everyone really understands its true meaning, yet it’s being sprinkled around in conversations like confetti.

So what exactly is it? It’s not about being honest. It’s not about being perfect. Nor is it about pretending to be someone you’re not.

“ Authenticity is your relationship with yourself ,” Kristina explains. “ There is only you and no external object; no one but you to exert the force towards .”

Simply put, it’s about having the courage to own who you are—quirks, imperfections, weirdness, and all. 

Even science has proof to back up the goodness of being authentic. According to a published study in the Journal of Positive Psychology , people who own their authenticity experience less anxiety and depression, which in turn leads to greater psychological well-being.

And as you learn how to embrace the very essence of who you are, you’ll likely find that you’re no longer hiding behind a façade or pleasing others at the expense of your own happiness.

How you can live an authentic life: There’s a certain level of self-awareness that comes with being authentic. It’s internal, as Kristina explains in her book, adding that it’s “ the resulting state of healing your most important relationship—your relationship with yourself .”

So identify what’s important to you, don’t be afraid to speak up and share your thoughts, avoid trying too hard to be like others, and—of course—practice self-care. It’s the combination of all these elements that allows you to live life as your authentic self. And to shine in the glory of your flawesomeness.

Man having a cup of coffee as an act of self-care

(Self-)Love Makes Your World Go ‘Round

Take a moment to appreciate yourself. Okay, maybe not just one moment. Take moments . 

Just like putting on your oxygen mask first before helping others on a flight, showing up for yourself in all your flawesomeness allows you to be your best self for others.

After all, this is your life, and no one else is living it but you. It’s not selfish to practice self-love; on the contrary, it’s essential. 

And if you’re curious to learn more about yourself, you can dive in deeper with Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani in her book Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living an Imperfectly Authentic Life . 

Now, go forth and spread the love—starting with yourself.

— Images generated on Midjourney except for the one of the Mindvalley trainer.

Claim Your Free Chapter

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'Becoming Flawesome' is a book by Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani about embracing your individuality and imperfections. This chapter includes exercises that disrupt old beliefs and inspire authenticity, turning your flaws into strengths. Join the 'Flawesome' philosophy and start living genuinely and joyfully. Download now for FREE

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Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani is the co-founder of Mindvalley, author of the best-selling Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living an Imperfectly Authentic Life , and the trainer of Mindvalley’s Live By Your Own Rules , 7 Days to Happiness , and From Awesome to Flawesome quests. Kristina speaks about personal transformation, authenticity, understanding and accepting oneself, and a path to happiness. She was recognized as one of the top 10 influential people online making a difference in the world today and was awarded the Influencers For Change (IFC) by the Global Impact Creators (GIC).

How we reviewed this article:

2008 study on the authentic personality: a theoretical and empirical conceptualization and the development of the authenticity scale, 2012 study on self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation, private self-consciousness and the five-factor model of personality: distinguishing rumination from reflection., 2014 systematic review mindfulness-based stress reduction as a stress management intervention for healthy individuals, you might also like.

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  • Mind, Body, Wonder

What happens to your body when you’re in love—and when you’re heartbroken

Not only do we need romance, but it can help improve our health and even lead to a longer life. Plus, self-care is the key to continuing love's benefits.

Regardless of whether romance is on the menu for you this Valentine’s Day, your brain is always trying to reward your investment in social interaction or motivate you to bond with others when human connection is in short supply.

In platonic or romantic love, there's no getting around the body's need for human-to-human interaction.

"Love is a biological necessity that is as vital to a person’s wellbeing as fresh water, food, and exercise," says Stephanie Cacioppo, a neuroscientist at the University of Oregon and the author of the book Wired for Love: A Neuroscientist’s Journey Through Romance, Loss, and the Essence of Human Connection. 

While the heart usually gets the credit, most of the benefits associated with love originate in the brain which is evolutionarily programmed to produce and release hormones when we experience attraction, affection, and attachment.

"Because love is so important to our health, wellbeing, and reproduction, it could not be left to learning," says Sue Carter, emeritus director of The Kinsey Institute in Indiana and a renowned biologist who specializes in social bonding.

Understanding how signals are received and transmitted by the brain, plus what happens when these signals are in short supply can be helpful when navigating the worlds of friendship, love, heartbreak, and loss.

The part hormones play

The mind and body use a vast network of neurotransmitters and molecular chemical messengers to coordinate different functions and influence our emotions. These chemical messengers, called hormones, are part of the body's endocrine system. The endocrine are linked together though important structures in the brain that include the hypothalamus, the hippocampus, the amygdala, the thalamus, the basal ganglia, and the cingulate gyrus.

Collectively, these structures make up the limbic system—one of the oldest parts of the brain in evolutionary terms. This is where memories are stored and smells are processed , and it's the primary brain region involved in attraction and affection.

It allows various hormones "to reinforce our desire to introduce ourselves after a simple glance, reduce our fears of being vulnerable when we first meet a new partner ... and feel as if we are soul mates with someone over time," says Cynthia Kubu, a neuropsychologist at the Center for Neurological Restoration at Cleveland Clinic in Ohio.

The seven love hormones

When it comes to the emotions we associate with love, seven hormones play especially important roles. These chemicals include the following:

1) Oxytocin is referred to as the "love hormone" because it helps form social connections , increases trust , and deepens feelings of attraction. It's released when two people engage in conversation, touch, play together, or participate in other forms of meaningful interaction.

"Oxytocin increases our feelings of bonding, attachment and commitment to someone," says Theresa Larkin, an associate professor in medical sciences for the Graduate School of Medicine at University of Wollongong in Australia.

Oxytocin has been shown to sometimes negatively influence recollections of loved ones, however, illustrating that this hormone also has a dark side .

2) Vasopressin  stirs feelings of excitement associated with loving another person. It's stimulated by some of the same behaviors that release oxytocin, but studies show  it's also released when a threat is present, causing us to feel more protective of those we care about. In this capacity, r esearch demonstrates  this chemical can also be responsible for feelings of possession or jealousy—emotions that can be tempered by the release of oxytocin.

"Oxytocin and vasopressin do a sort of dynamic dance that helps to explain the benefits and costs associated with various aspects of love," explains Carter.

3) Dopamine is among the body's most studied feel-good reward hormones . It's activated by things that make you feel good—food, exercise or drugs. In couples, a flood of dopamine often accompanies kissing or having sex.

"When dopamine is released, it activates the reward pathways that cause the feeling of a love 'high' and increase our desire and motivation to be with our love interest," says Larkin. This response is strong enough that it has been likened to the euphoria of using a drug as strong as cocaine.

4 and 5) Testosterone and estrogen , also known as our "sex hormones," play the important roles of causing couples to want to reproduce and are responsible for "our basic human desire to have sex," says Larkin. She says these are also the hormones most often affiliated with infatuation or lust. Another way of looking at it is that these hormones motivate one to have sex, while dopamine rewards the action.

6) Noradrenaline  produces physiological responses when meeting a new person or falling in love. These may include a racing heart, increased energy, or sweaty palms. This hormone is also associated with memory storage, which is why many couples can recall their early days of dating so vividly.

7) Serotonin  is one of the few chemicals that’s been shown to decrease during some stages of attraction. These lower levels are similar to those of individuals living with obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD. Sandra Langeslag, a behavioral neuroscientist at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, has published research on this and says it shows how "people who are in love and patients with OCD resemble each other in the sense that they both have obsessions."

Though different activities can cause the release of any of these chemicals, hormones aren't always triggered in isolation and many things can cause more than one chemical to be produced at the same time. Dopamine and serotonin, for instance, both  contribute to obsessive thoughts.

"Love is an exceedingly complex multi-sensorial phenomenon that involves all our senses and affects the brain in many profound and mysterious ways," says Jacquie Olds, an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

The health benefits of love 

Regardless of why or when love-related hormones are released, each chemical is associated with different mental and physical health benefits.

"When the love network is turned on, it activates the brain’s reward centers, releasing a cascade of hormones, neurochemicals, and natural opioids, that make us feel joy and also help our body heal and our mind deal with pain," says Cacioppo.

Some of the proven benefits of having love in your life include reduced stress , better sleep , improved immune health , reduced pain ( research shows that having more oxytocin in the blood helps with healing), less depression , enhanced problem-solving skills , improved cognitive function , and even longer life .

Secure relationships of both the romantic and non-romantic variety, "create biological states that promote relaxation, growth and restoration," Carter says. "Across the lifespan, building loving relationships is critical to good health."

Why you are blinded by love 

Different stages of a relationship may confer varied benefits. Research shows that some hormones are more abundant during the initial phase of falling in love, while other hormones provide long-term benefits.

Noradrenaline, for instance, is released more often at the beginning of a couple's relationship when many unknowns are present, putting the brain in a ‘proceed with caution’ mode.

"Early in a relationship, there is heightened adrenalin, which causes feelings like butterflies in the stomach and a faster heart rate. There is also reduced activity in the parts of the brain that help us to make judgements, which is why you may be 'blinded' to another person’s faults in early love or infatuation," explains Lucy Brown, a clinical professor of neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York.

As that relationship grows and levels of commitment increase, some of the initial high passion that's been rewarded by dopamine is replaced by other hormones, says Brown.

"Oxytocin plays a more important role in sustaining long-term relationships," she explains. It also contributes to feelings of safety and security once uncertainty and fears of getting hurt subside. Vasopressin similarly plays a regular part in long-term relationships. It promotes devotion and increases a sense of protection and pride over one's relationships.

What happens when we break up?

While the physical and mental health benefits of these hormones are significant, "we pay the price of having emotional responses when we lose our companions," says Carter.

Breaking up can mean losing a steady stream of feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, and, at the same time, experiencing an increase in stress-related hormones like cortisol and norepinephrine.

“A breakup suddenly deprives us of the neurotransmitters we’ve grown used to,” says Olds. “Just as an addict hates going cold turkey, a bad breakup causes huge distress.”

For some people, this includes even physical discomfort.

"A breakup creates a stress response in the body and brain, and the brain reacts as if there is a physically painful stimulus," explains Brown. A sudden longing often follows as well—similar to an addict going through withdrawals. "You search for the person who’s no longer there, for the positive feelings you once associated with your beloved," explains Cacioppo. "This is what heartbreak or unrequited love looks like."

Kubo says these feelings of loss or longing can manifest as lost appetite, changes in weight, sleep disturbances, anxiety, or depression.

Such feelings can be amplified significantly if one’s partner dies. In extreme cases, this can be deadly for the person in mourning.

"Oxytocin is critical in protecting all tissues, but especially the heart," says Carter. 

When a steady stream of it suddenly stops with the death of a loved one, it can create a cardiovascular response. For many people, this, plus the release of stress hormones that accompany sudden loss can cause blood pressure to spike, one's heart to race, and difficulty breathing.

Though such symptoms are the worst physical manifestations for most people, individuals with an underlying heart condition, "could be at risk of suffering from a heart attack," says Larkin. This is where the rare medical condition known as broken heart syndrome factors in.

"One groundbreaking study of grief from the 1960s looked at 4,486 widowers in Britain," explains Cacioppo. "During the first six-months after they lost their spouses, they had a 40 percent higher risk of dying than a married person their own age."

Fortunately, the worst outcomes associated with separation from a loved one—either through a breakup or death—lessen over time as we form and strengthen new relationships.

"When social bonds are broken by separation or loss of a partner, the nervous system needs time to re-equilibrate and adjust," says Carter. "We may literally experience the pain of a lost relationship forever, but as new bonds form, those may help heal the emotional pain associated with loss."

Self-care can also help with healing. "After the hardest first days or weeks, it is important to do things that you enjoy to reduce your stress hormones and to increase your love hormones," advises Larkin.

What to do based on where you are

It can also be helpful to recognize where you are and possibly expand your comfort zone to form more meaningful connections with existing loved ones or new associations.

If you're in a relationship that seems to be lacking in love and the feel-good hormones that accompany it, Langeslag suggests spending more time with your partner, focusing on their strengths and your happy memories together, or engaging in physical intimacy as ways of triggering the release of these chemicals and improving your connection.

And if you're not currently in a romantic relationship, hormones associated with love can still be triggered by spending quality time with family members and close friends, hugging them, enjoying nature, and even interacting with your pets at home, says Larkin.

The one thing you shouldn't do is embrace a life of being alone. Like many other mammals, humans have not evolved to live as solitary creatures. "Love is not optional. It is not something we can do without," says Cacioppo. "Love is a biological necessity."

Read This Next

Psychedelics may help treat ptsd—and the va is intrigued, 9 simple ways to boost your mental health, according to science, when will psychedelics be legal, how magnesium affects your sleep and anxiety.

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Cortnie S. Baity Ph.D., LMFT

  • Relationships

Self-Love Is Self-Care

Self-care is self enhancement, preservation, and development..

Posted July 29, 2022 | Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

  • Self-care means intentionally devoting attention and efforts to enhancing and protecting your well-being.
  • When you love and care for yourself, you make strategic decisions that will enhance and protect your life quality and reduce undue burden.
  • Recognize that you are a human and humans are flawed by design–perfection in human nature does not exist.

More than ever before, we now hear the buzz words “self-love” and “self-care.” For some, the concepts may be clear, but many are still seeking clarity on exactly what self-love and self-care mean and look like.

I identify myself as a “Vocabulary Nerd” who loves to look up word definitions to deepen my understanding of a concept. So we will begin with my definition of self-love and -care:

Self-love and -care go well beyond bubble baths, a silent moment to yourself before going inside your home after a long day of work, or a cup of tea before bed. Although these are great examples of self-love and -care, they are only examples and do not capture the full essence of these concepts.

Self-love and care defined:

Self-love and care (n.)(v.): 1. To intentionally and actively offer kindness, support, enhancement, thoughtfulness, patience, restoration, grace, appreciation, and respect toward yourself. 2. To intentionally devote attention and efforts to enhancing and protecting your personal wellbeing.

So now that we have a clear definition of what self-love and -care is, let’s review some ways to put these concepts into action:

1. Make good decisions. By design, life is hard enough all by itself, so it is imperative to be mindful of how your decision-making impacts your quality of life. Some decisions can reduce life quality outcomes like financial condition, mental and physical health, and relationship quality, while others can enhance them.

When you love and care for yourself, you make strategic decisions that will enhance and protect your life quality and reduce undue burden, stress , and strain. Poor decisions that create avoidable stress, strain, and undue problems are a form of self-hate and sabotage.

2. “B” for BIG BOUNDARIES . A client once deemed me as the “Boundaries Queen” I chuckled at the acknowledgment, but they were right. I have grown into a complete understanding of what boundaries are and why establishing and enforcing them are so important, and I have become an expert in boundary enforcement. As a result, my life has forever changed in the best ways.

Boundaries are rules that protect you from behaviors of outside others that could potentially reduce your quality of life (intentionally or unintentionally). Boundaries inform others of what’s okay for you and what is not okay for you. Boundaries, simply stated, are the terms in which I feel safe interacting with you—if these terms are broken, our interaction will become limited or terminated. When we fail to establish and enforce boundaries, it permits low-quality experiences to occur in our life.

This often results in feelings of frustration and resentment that can negatively impact your inner psychological world, others connected to you, and the way you show up in the world. Boundaries are a vehicle of self-love and -care–they say, “I care about you, and I care about me too.”

3. Be kind to yourself. Many of us have inherited harsh internal voices of criticism and judgment from at least one place or person with whom we have crossed paths in our lifetime. The more you are exposed to voices of harsh criticism and negativity or the more you value the opinion of the person who spews the harsh criticism, the stronger the lasting impression.

Sometimes the impression is so strong that you adopt (internalize) hypercriticism of yourself as your internal voice. The harm of the harsh criticism continues, even when the external voice of harsh criticism is no longer present.

If you tend to be hypercritical and unforgiving of yourself—if you tend not to allow yourself to make mistakes, and when you do, you beat yourself down for it— stop ! This is a form of self-perpetuated abuse. Instead, when you make a mistake, shift the narrative you are telling yourself about yourself and the mistake.

Recognize that you are a human and humans are flawed by design–perfection in human nature does not exist. Making a mistake does not decrease your value or worthiness. It simply makes you human. When you make a mistake, permit yourself to be human.

This means acknowledging your personal disappointment but also offering yourself kindness, forgiveness , patience, and grace. Hold yourself accountable, learn from the event, and commit to change that will prevent similar mistakes in the future. This is self-love and -care.

an article about self love

While there are so many more ways to practice self-love and -care, I hope the definitions and examples in this post deepen your understanding of these terms and empower you to make self-love and -care a daily practice in your life.

Cortnie S. Baity Ph.D., LMFT

Cortnie S. Baity, Ph.D., LMFT is a practicing licensed marriage and family therapist.

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Pop Culture

J.lo can't stop telling us about herself. why can't i stop watching.

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Brittany Luse

an article about self love

Jennifer Lopez's latest film is a direct-to-streaming musical extravaganza called This Is Me...Now: A Love Story. Prime hide caption

Jennifer Lopez's latest film is a direct-to-streaming musical extravaganza called This Is Me...Now: A Love Story.

I had barely cycled through my Usher-Beyoncé-Taylor induced pop culture hangover from the Super Bowl when it was time to receive the latest offering from yet another omnipresent star, Jennifer Lopez. Her newest film, This Is Me... Now: A Love Story, now streaming on Amazon Prime Video, is a movie musical/visual album starring and co-written by Lopez herself and directed by music video veteran Dave Meyers. It's a sparkling temple to the self, disguised as a romantic odyssey — and quintessentially Lopez.

The 65-minute film follows the tortured love life of a somewhat fictional version of Lopez, a character I'll hereafter refer to as J.Lo. Like the real Lopez, J.Lo is gorgeous, wealthy and has a reputation as a hopeless romantic on the hunt for her one true love. It's autofiction in the vein of Richard Pryor's Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling , but with the silliness of Mariah Carey's Glitter and the subtlety of the music video for Kanye West's "Bound 2". Days after watching This Is Me...Now , I'm still not sure whether or not it was good, or if a one word summation is even a fair way to assess the hour-long ( and self-financed ) $20 million art therapy session Lopez has produced.

Jennifer Lopez: Then and now

Jennifer Lopez: Then and now

Like many of her most beloved movies, This Is Me...Now is campy, nonsensical, and easy to watch. Still, for every rote monologue from J.Lo about the virtues of forever love, a few rays of Lopez's genuine charisma and onscreen chops shine through reassuringly.

We see J.Lo trace her romantic troubles back to the 1970s Bronx of her girlhood, unpack them in therapy sessions with a practitioner played by rapper Fat Joe, and augment them through a tongue-in-cheek carousel of splashy weddings and couples counseling sessions with various unnamed husbands. Weddings are a perennial theme for Lopez, who has married four times and played a bride on at least twice as many occasions for a film. It's a phenomenon I detangled with critic Rachel Handler in an episode of my show It's Been A Minute from last year.

It's Been a Minute

Breaking down the jennifer lopez wedding industrial complex canon.

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In this latest portrayal, judging J.Lo's relationship foibles from heaven above are members of her own personal Zodiac council, played by Jane Fonda, Post Malone, Neil deGrasse Tyson and Keke Palmer, among others. In between sparse bits of dialogue, J.Lo coos and sashays along to serviceable R&B-tinged songs from her first new album in a decade, aptly titled This Is Me... Now .

One standout sequence depicts Lopez overcoming an abusive relationship. This trauma is represented in literal, harrowing detail, but also artistically, through percussive modern dance moves that recall the push-pull of a toxic relationship dynamic. Here and throughout This Is Me...Now Lopez's dancing is career-best, her staggering athleticism punctuated by evocative choreography and imaginative staging. Lopez is showing all her hard work, and begging us to take it seriously, even as her character lays charmingly about on a J.Lo-monogrammed custom sofa, nursing a broken heart with a Barbra Streisand movie.

an article about self love

Jennifer Lopez performs during the Super Bowl halftime show in February 2020. Tom Pennington/Getty Images hide caption

Jennifer Lopez performs during the Super Bowl halftime show in February 2020.

Seeking validation, by Lopez's account, has been a long-running theme in her life and public works. In her 2014 memoir True Love , Lopez details how she used her relationships to mask low self-esteem. Lopez's need to be taken seriously is also expressed within the first minute of her 2022 Netflix documentary, Halftime , a film in which we see her headline the Super Bowl halftime show, win deserved praise for her role in Hustlers , and perform at President Biden's inauguration . Lopez's lengthy and trailblazing career as a Latina in Hollywood is a wonder in and of itself. And though the legitimacy of her singing career has taken a few hits over the years, she has wrung nearly a quarter-century of superstardom out of what is arguably her third best talent, even after dancing and then acting had already made her a household name.

But it's her naked desire for adulation, as opposed to unbridled artistic expression, that undercuts Lopez's film, and echoes our current celebrity oversaturation. Lopez herself is a marvel of allure and moxie. Her lovesickness, steady ambition, and irrepressible theater kid energy don't repel the public, they delight us. When This Is Me...Now leans into that sensibility, it soars. And when Lopez talks, I'm listening. But when pressed, Lopez, similar to many of her A-list peers these days, seems unable to tell us much beyond platitudes about self-love and upcoming tour dates.

Lopez recently told NPR's Morning Edition host Leila Fadel that This Is Me...Now is her most personal project yet, a tall order for someone who's been a tabloid fixture for over 25 years. But despite Lopez and her personal life being the only subject the film covers, This Is Me...Now doesn't actually shed any more light on her emotional journey than True Love or Halftime did. Unlike Beyoncé's acclaimed 2016 visual album Lemonade , This Is Me...Now drops no apparent bombshells or clear enough Easter eggs to spark flames of social media speculation. The film instead hits all the expected beats — hot, successful woman looks for self-assurance through romance, breakups ensue — while speeding past its more revealing moments without reflection.

How Jennifer Lopez Fought For Her 'Second Act'

Movie Interviews

How jennifer lopez fought for her 'second act'.

In This Is Me...Now , J.Lo exists purely to love and be loved in the most general sense; first by a partner, then by herself, and finally, most importantly, by us.

Perhaps we'll get some deeper insight from Lopez's upcoming documentary, The Greatest Love Story Never Told , a behind-the-scenes look at the making of this visual album. The trailer teases fat tears, juicy confessionals, and tense rehearsal footage , but it's unclear what Lopez will reveal until the film hits Prime Video on February 27. Once again I'll be watching, amusedly and shamefully. When it comes to the confessional temple of J.Lo, I'm not disciplined enough to look away.

an article about self love

Jennifer Lopez in This Is Me...Now: A Love Story. Prime hide caption

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Over 60, Single and Never Happier

Why some older people who have given up looking for romantic love say they feel self-assured and satisfied on their own.

A portrait of Joy A. Lorton wearing a necklace and a red and white striped sweater in front of an aqua colored brick wall.

By Catherine Pearson

Joy Lorton, 80, has been married and divorced four times.

“I grew up in the 1950s and ’60s, when everybody was supposed to get married and have kids, so I did that,” said Ms. Lorton, who lives in Olympia, Wash., and has three daughters, seven grandchildren and a gaggle of great-grandchildren.

But each of her marriages was marred by a different flavor of dysfunction, and since her last divorce in 2001, she has been devoutly and joyfully single. “It all goes back to the same word: freedom,” Ms. Lorton said.

Now, she chooses whom she wants to spend time with. And that could mean no one at all: “I really like my own company,” Ms. Lorton said.

Around 30 percent of adults in the United States over the age of 50 are single, according to a 2022 Pew survey, and despite the stigma that tends to surround both singleness and advanced age, many relish being on their own. Older singles were less likely than their younger counterparts to say they wanted to date or find a romantic relationship, and research suggests people’s satisfaction with being single tends to jump in middle age.

“People in their 60s and beyond who are single and flourishing is an untold story,” said Bella DePaulo, a social scientist who studies single life (and is a single 70-year-old herself). “And it’s a feel good story that shatters all of our stereotypes.”

Getting to know you.

Dr. DePaulo said that one major difference between being single in one’s 60s or beyond and being single when younger is the self-awareness and self-assurance that come with age. There is research to suggest that self-confidence peaks between the ages of 60 and 70 .

“When you’re older, there’s a real sense of: I need to live my best life now,” said Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and the author of “How to be Single and Happy.” People who have been single for any length of time have the benefit of experience and hindsight to show them that it is just as possible to experience joy and peace even without a partner, she added.

Experience has certainly been a teacher for Kamran Afary, 66, who grew up in Iran and moved to the United States when he was 16. He spent much of his early life pushing back against what he saw as rigidity all around him — first, the patriarchal society he was raised in, and then “oppressive” relationship expectations. He bristled at the idea that if you and your partner couldn’t meet 100 percent of each other’s needs, “you were a failure.”

Still, Mr. Afary dabbled in monogamous relationships for years. But as he got to know himself better, his sense of what he wanted shifted. In his late 50s, he came out as queer. Mr. Afary, who is a professor of communications studies and lives in Los Angeles, also began to read more cultural criticism and research about singleness, such as Dr. DePaulo’s.

“I think identifying as queer kind of opened up the door for me to be more open, to explore more,” Mr. Afary said. In hindsight, he believes he has been drawn to the single life “for many decades, but I just didn’t have the language, and I was still pressured by all of these social expectations that maybe I should be open to coupledom. But I don’t feel that way anymore.”

Dr. DePaulo said that this is a theme that comes up often in her work: People feel much freer to embrace single life when there is less outside pressure to settle down — particularly once parenthood is off the table.

“All those people who may have hassled you about not being married or who act like there is something wrong with you for being single have mostly zipped it by the time you get to your later years,” she said.

Finding other forms of connection.

Though he has embraced his singleness wholeheartedly, Mr. Afary is not naïve about the practical challenges he might face down the road without a partner. He is a primary caregiver to his mother, who is in her 90s, and he knows there might not be anyone to look out for him as he ages. (He noted how fortunate he feels to have a pension that makes a senior care facility financially feasible.)

But he does not fear the loneliness or isolation that affects so many older Americans, as he has learned to develop “very loving, intimate” platonic relationships with several friends and colleagues.

These relationships, Dr. DePaulo believes, are another untold story of singleness later in life: “They put more into their friendships, and they get more out of their friendships,” she said. Though singleness in general tends to be understudied, there is some research to support the idea. A small 2021 study that focused on university students found that those who were single tended to invest more in their friendships.

Jettie McCollough, 68, was married for 28 years but now lives “an incredibly joyful single life.” She has dabbled in online dating, but she recently deleted her accounts with eHarmony and Green Singles after asking herself, “Why am I on this stupid dating site?” (Her experience is not unique. Women over 50 are the demographic most likely to describe their online dating experiences as somewhat or very negative, a Pew survey found.)

Rather than feeling lonely, she has realized that “there is so much connection available in the greater world,” said Ms. McCollough, who lives in Ludlow, Mass. When winter storms hit, her neighbors text to see if she needs anything. She volunteers at a local school. She is in a running club and has a YouTube channel of herself jumping rope to Taylor Swift songs.

But she also relishes the quiet moments when they arise. And after decades of being married and raising four sons, “I love my alone time,” she said. “I cherish it.”

So does Ms. Lorton, who enrolled in college and earned her bachelor’s degree at 51. She retired in 2010 after three decades working as a legal assistant, and now spends much of her time driving grandchildren to and from school and various extracurricular activities.

Occasionally, she feels a pang of loneliness, coming home to her silent house after a family get-together. But Ms. Lorton has “absolutely, positively no interest” in looking for love again.

“Not only does being single allow me the freedom to make my own life choices,” she said, “it also gives me the peace I believe that I’ve always craved.”

Catherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships. More about Catherine Pearson

A Guide to Aging Well

Looking to grow old gracefully we can help..

You need more than strength to age well — you also need power. Here’s how to measure how much power you have  and here’s how to increase yours .

Ignore the hyperbaric chambers and infrared light: These are the evidence-backed secrets to aging well .

Your body’s need for fuel shifts as you get older. Your eating habits should shift , too.

Older people are using cannabis more than ever. Here’s what to know about the potential medicinal benefits and the side effects .

People who think positively about getting older often live longer, healthier lives. These tips can help you reconsider your perspective .

The sun’s rays cause the majority of skin changes as you grow older. Here’s how sunscreen helps prevent the damage .

Joint pain, stiffness and swelling aren’t always inevitable results of aging, experts say. Here’s what you can do to reduce your risk for arthritis .

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MEET THE DESIGNER: THE 501® ANNIVERSARY EDITION

Campaigns and collaborations /  may 2023.

MEET THE DESIGNER: THE 501® ANNIVERSARY EDITION

Question: During the countless times you’ve pulled up, thrown on, or shimmied into your very favorite Levi’s®—have you ever stopped to wonder who was responsible for that perfect fit or special detail? We decided it was time the world got to know the heroes behind the seams. 

Introducing our brand-new video series, “Meet the Designer,” in which we take you inside the minds of real members of Levi’s® design team (plus special guest Tracey Panek, Levi’s® historian who plays a crucial role in their process).  You’ll learn who they are, what they work on, where they find inspiration and how their best ideas become the Levi’s® we all know and love for a lifetime.  And what better time to launch the inaugural episode than the 150th anniversary of the 501® Original Jean—our most iconic design ever.

This season, the team gravitated towards a common theme of handcrafted techniques—the personalized ways people repair and recraft their denim to extend its lifestyle or add a bit of self-expression to their most treasured pieces. 

Learn more in our design team’s own words above, then shop their incredible work below.

RECRAFTED PERFECTION

“Playful, fun, cute, bright—I love that my personality and the way I like to dress shows through those jeans,” says Caroline Chun, Women’s Senior Designer.

For many of their limited-edition finishes, our women’s design team wanted you to feel like they stole your grandma’s vintage denim and then made it special and fresh—with patchwork, quilting, stitches and the same tender loving care she would’ve used. 

“We tried to replicate that feeling of home-done DIY,” says Caroline. “It just feels a little more special and different from everything else that's out there.”

50501

THE 501®HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE ULTIMATE BLANK CANVAS FOR SELF-EXPRESSION AND CUSTOMIZATION.

– Nobutoshi “Q” Nakao, Men's Senior Designer

FROM PEACE SIGNS TO FISH PUNS

For men’s take on recrafted perfection, Men’s Senior Designer Nobutoshi “Q” Nakao and Assistant Designer Tyler Young found part of their inspiration in Levi’s® Archives—namely from a sun-bleached 501® Original from the 1970s, worn by a surfer who covered it in patches that scrapbooked all the places he’d caught waves.

“The 501® has always been the ultimate blank canvas for self-expression and customization,” says Q. So he and Tyler borrowed the patchwork idea from the “Surf” pair, then modernized and made it their own this season.

“Q is a big fisherman,” says Tyler. “So we enjoyed adding our personal touch to the patches with fishing or sea elements. We had the opportunity to play around and make a little joke here and there.”

50502

501® BANNER PRINT

“If we were ever going to do a banner, this is the time,” says Men’s Design Director Steve Burns.

Inspired by actual Levi’s® advertising banners from the 1930s-1950s, these one-of-a-kind collector’s items were hand-sanded for a vintage-y look and feel, and Senior Textile Designer Holly Hapka literally hand-painted the design.

“She really did it from scratch, the way that those banners used to be created,” Steve says. “A lot of love and craft went into the development of this.”

ARCHIVE-INSPIRED PATCHING

“For the 150th anniversary of the 501®,  we were looking at some of the earliest evidence of someone having not only worn them, but what had they done to adapt them,” says Tracey, our historian. 

Enter, “Spur Bites,” a popular pair from Levi’s® Archives that were worn by a cowboy in the 1890s. Those vintage jeans led to the modern-day, limited-edition finish you see here. 

“It has patches all over it, but especially in areas where the cowboy did his work,” Tracey says. “He was probably holding the reins of the horse on his right thigh. And the back side where he was sitting in a saddle—that's covered.”

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A LOT OF LOVE AND CRAFT WENT INTO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THIS.

– Steve Burns, Men’s Design Director

COMING SOON! STUDDED EVERYTHING

“The Trucker is my favorite product I've worked on so far,” says Dominique Iannettoni, Levi’s® Women’s Bottoms and Denim Finishing Designer. 

With over 100 studs on every piece, the team spent weeks deciding on colors, metals, number of studs and the exact placement of each individual embellishment.  “I'm really excited for people to wear it and have fun in it,” says Dom. “And I hope our handcrafted capsules inspire people to get more Levi's® and put their own spin on it. Maybe even customize the ones we've customized to see how you can make it different!”

Embellished 501® Jeans and Trucker Jackets will be available for purchase in October, but Red Tab™ Members get early access. (P.S. if you haven’t joined yet, get on that. It’s free and comes with awesome perks like this all the time.)

  • SIGN UP FOR RED TAB™

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Shop all our design team’s hard work online and in stores. And for styling tips and outfit inspiration, follow us on Instagram and TikTok. Then tag @levis and #LiveinLevis to share your Levi’s® style with the world.

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  28. MEET THE DESIGNER: THE 501® ANNIVERSARY EDITION

    Get to know real members of Levi's® design team (plus a special guest)—who they are, what they do, where they find inspiration. This season, the design crew honors the 501® Original's biggest anniversary ever with a collection celebrating 150 years of handcrafted self-expression.