college essay help books

How to Write Your College Essay: The Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide

Getting ready to start your college essay? Your essay is very important to your application — especially if you’re applying to selective colleges.

Become a stronger writer by reviewing your peers’ essays and get your essay reviewed as well for free.

We have regular livestreams during which we walk you through how to write your college essay and review essays live.

College Essay Basics

Just getting started on college essays? This section will guide you through how you should think about your college essays before you start.

• Why do essays matter in the college application process?
• What is a college application theme and how do you come up with one?
• How to format and structure your college essay

Before you move to the next section, make sure you understand:

How a college essay fits into your application

What a strong essay does for your chances

How to create an application theme

Learn the Types of College Essays

Next, let’s make sure you understand the different types of college essays. You’ll most likely be writing a Common App or Coalition App essay, and you can also be asked to write supplemental essays for each school. Each essay has a prompt asking a specific question. Each of these prompts falls into one of a few different types. Understanding the types will help you better answer the prompt and structure your essay.

• How to Write a Personal Statement That Wows Colleges
• Personal Statement Essay Examples
• How to Write a Stellar Extracurricular Activity Essay
• Extracurricular Essay Examples
• Tips for Writing a Diversity College Essay
• Diversity Essay Examples
• Tips for Writing a Standout Community Service Essay
• How to Write the “Why This Major” Essay
• How to Write a “Why This Major” Essay if You’re Undecided
• How to write the “Why This College” Essay
• How to Research a College to Write the “Why This College” Essay
• Why This College Essay Examples
• How to Write The Overcoming Challenges Essay
• Overcoming Challenges Essay Examples

Identify how each prompt fits into an essay type

What each type of essay is really asking of you

How to write each essay effectively

The Common App essay

Almost every student will write a Common App essay, which is why it’s important you get this right.

• How to Write the Common App Essay
• Successful Common App Essay Examples
• 5 Awesome College Essay Topics + Sample Essays
• 11 Cliché College Essay Topics + How to Fix Them

How to choose which Common App prompts to answer

How to write a successful Common App essay

What to avoid to stand out to admissions officers

Supplemental Essay Guides

Many schools, especially competitive ones, will ask you to write one or more supplemental essays. This allows a school to learn more about you and how you might fit into their culture.

These essays are extremely important in standing out. We’ve written guides for all the top schools. Follow the link below to find your school and read last year’s essay guides to give you a sense of the essay prompts. We’ll update these in August when schools release their prompts.

See last year’s supplemental essay guides to get a sense of the prompts for your schools.

Essay brainstorming and composition

Now that you’re starting to write your essay, let’s dive into the writing process. Below you’ll find our top articles on the craft of writing an amazing college essay.

• Where to Begin? 3 Personal Essay Brainstorming Exercises
• Creating the First Draft of Your College Application Essay
• How to Get the Perfect Hook for Your College Essay
• What If I Don’t Have Anything Interesting To Write About In My College Essay?
• 8 Do’s and Don’t for Crafting Your College Essay
• Stuck on Your College Essay? 8 Tips for Overcoming Writer’s Block

Understand how to write a great hook for your essay

Complete the first drafts of your essay

Editing and polishing your essay

Have a first draft ready? See our top editing tips below. Also, you may want to submit your essay to our free Essay Peer Review to get quick feedback and join a community of other students working on their essays.

• 11 Tips for Proofreading and Editing Your College Essay
• Getting Help with Your College Essay
• 5 DIY Tips for Editing Your College Essay
• How Long Should Your College Essay Be?
• Essential Grammar Rules for Your College Apps
• College Essay Checklist: Are You Ready to Submit?

Proofread and edited your essay.

Had someone else look through your essay — we recommend submitting it for a peer review.

Make sure your essay meets all requirements — consider signing up for a free account to view our per-prompt checklists to help you understand when you’re really ready to submit.

Advanced College Essay Techniques

Let’s take it one step further and see how we can make your college essay really stand out! We recommend reading through these posts when you have a draft to work with.

• 10 Guidelines for Highly Readable College Essays
• How to Use Literary Devices to Enhance Your Essay
• How to Develop a Personalized Metaphor for Your College Applications

Best books on writing college essays? Answered

I'm working on my essays and though I am looking at essay samples, I still feel a little lost. Any good books on writing essays?

Earn karma by helping others:

50 Successful Ivy League Application Essays by Gen and Kelly Tanabe is incredibly good in telling you what to do. Although it is just 50 more samples, they give structured feedback on why they are good and even why they are bad. Hack the College Essay by John Dewis is equally good because although it is short, it helps you brainstorm ideas while also giving you examples on how to write college essays.

If you want general writing improvement, I highly recommend The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. Whatever edition works but even though it is entirely about grammar and how to remove fluff, it is not boring as he incorporates jokes and sometimes passive aggressive remarks that makes it entertaining. Also read autobiographies like Lab Girl by Hope Jahren. They help you learn how to use imagery and can even teach you some useful vocabulary.

Hi there! I don't know of any books in particular, but our ultimate guide to college essays may be helpful: https://blog.collegevine.com/how-to-write-your-college-essay-the-ultimate-step-by-step-guide/.

It's a compilation of blog posts on the entire process of writing essays, including why they're important, the different types of essays, how to format and structure your essay, and successful examples.

Hope this helps!

I strongly recommend "50 Successful Harvard Application Essays.". It is a great one for breaking down and analyzing the college application essays with a good variety of successful Harvard accepted applications.

Writing college essays can be a daunting task. It's important to know what the expectations are and what resources are available to help you create a successful essay. To that end, there are a number of great books available to help you learn the craft of writing superior college essays. I have read a lot of essay books, but sometimes I ask for help here norfolkhomelearning.com These books contain essential advice, tips, and strategies to help you craft an essay that will stand out from the crow

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How to Write the AP Lit Prose Essay with Examples

March 30, 2024

AP Lit Prose Essay Examples – The College Board’s Advanced Placement Literature and Composition Course is one of the most enriching experiences that high school students can have. It exposes you to literature that most people don’t encounter until college , and it helps you develop analytical and critical thinking skills that will enhance the quality of your life, both inside and outside of school. The AP Lit Exam reflects the rigor of the course. The exam uses consistent question types, weighting, and scoring parameters each year . This means that, as you prepare for the exam, you can look at previous questions, responses, score criteria, and scorer commentary to help you practice until your essays are perfect.

What is the AP Lit Free Response testing? 

In AP Literature, you read books, short stories, and poetry, and you learn how to commit the complex act of literary analysis . But what does that mean? Well, “to analyze” literally means breaking a larger idea into smaller and smaller pieces until the pieces are small enough that they can help us to understand the larger idea. When we’re performing literary analysis, we’re breaking down a piece of literature into smaller and smaller pieces until we can use those pieces to better understand the piece of literature itself.

So, for example, let’s say you’re presented with a passage from a short story to analyze. The AP Lit Exam will ask you to write an essay with an essay with a clear, defensible thesis statement that makes an argument about the story, based on some literary elements in the short story. After reading the passage, you might talk about how foreshadowing, allusion, and dialogue work together to demonstrate something essential in the text. Then, you’ll use examples of each of those three literary elements (that you pull directly from the passage) to build your argument. You’ll finish the essay with a conclusion that uses clear reasoning to tell your reader why your argument makes sense.

AP Lit Prose Essay Examples (Continued)

But what’s the point of all of this? Why do they ask you to write these essays?

Well, the essay is, once again, testing your ability to conduct literary analysis. However, the thing that you’re also doing behind that literary analysis is a complex process of both inductive and deductive reasoning. Inductive reasoning takes a series of points of evidence and draws a larger conclusion. Deductive reasoning departs from the point of a broader premise and draws a singular conclusion. In an analytical essay like this one, you’re using small pieces of evidence to draw a larger conclusion (your thesis statement) and then you’re taking your thesis statement as a larger premise from which you derive your ultimate conclusion.

So, the exam scorers are looking at your ability to craft a strong thesis statement (a singular sentence that makes an argument), use evidence and reasoning to support that argument, and then to write the essay well. This is something they call “sophistication,” but they’re looking for well-organized thoughts carried through clear, complete sentences.

This entire process is something you can and will use throughout your life. Law, engineering, medicine—whatever pursuit, you name it—utilizes these forms of reasoning to run experiments, build cases, and persuade audiences. The process of this kind of clear, analytical thinking can be honed, developed, and made easier through repetition.

Practice Makes Perfect

Because the AP Literature Exam maintains continuity across the years, you can pull old exam copies, read the passages, and write responses. A good AP Lit teacher is going to have you do this time and time again in class until you have the formula down. But, it’s also something you can do on your own, if you’re interested in further developing your skills.

AP Lit Prose Essay Examples 

Let’s take a look at some examples of questions, answers and scorer responses that will help you to get a better idea of how to craft your own AP Literature exam essays.

In the exam in 2023, students were asked to read a poem by Alice Cary titled “Autumn,” which was published in 1874. In it, the speaker contemplates the start of autumn. Then, students are asked to craft a well-written essay which uses literary techniques to convey the speaker’s complex response to the changing seasons.

The following is an essay that received a perfect 6 on the exam. There are grammar and usage errors throughout the essay, which is important to note: even though the writer makes some mistakes, the structure and form of their argument was strong enough to merit a 6. This is what your scorers will be looking for when they read your essay.

Example Essay 

Romantic and hyperbolic imagery is used to illustrate the speaker’s unenthusiastic opinion of the coming of autumn, which conveys Cary’s idea that change is difficult to accept but necessary for growth.

Romantic imagery is utilized to demonstrate the speaker’s warm regard for the season of summer and emphasize her regretfulness for autumn’s coming, conveying the uncomfortable change away from idyllic familiarity. Summer, is portrayed in the image of a woman who “from her golden collar slips/and strays through stubble fields/and moans aloud.” Associated with sensuality and wealth, the speaker implies the interconnection between a season and bounty, comfort, and pleasure. Yet, this romantic view is dismantled by autumn, causing Summer to “slip” and “stray through stubble fields.” Thus, the coming of real change dethrones a constructed, romantic personification of summer,  conveying the speaker’s reluctance for her ideal season to be dethroned by something much less decorated and adored.

Summer, “she lies on pillows of the yellow leaves,/ And tries the old tunes for over an hour”, is contrasted with bright imagery of fallen leaves/ The juxtaposition between Summer’s character and the setting provides insight into the positivity of change—the yellow leaves—by its contrast with the failures of attempting to sustain old habits or practices, “old tunes”. “She lies on pillows” creates a sympathetic, passive image of summer in reaction to the coming of Autumn, contrasting her failures to sustain “old tunes.” According to this, it is understood that the speaker recognizes the foolishness of attempting to prevent what is to come, but her wishfulness to counter the natural progression of time.

Hyperbolic imagery displays the discrepancies between unrealistic, exaggerated perceptions of change and the reality of progress, continuing the perpetuation of Cary’s idea that change must be embraced rather than rejected. “Shorter and shorter now the twilight clips/The days, as though the sunset gates they crowd”, syntax and diction are used to literally separate different aspects of the progression of time. In an ironic parallel to the literal language, the action of twilight’s “clip” and the subject, “the days,” are cut off from each other into two different lines, emphasizing a sense of jarring and discomfort. Sunset, and Twilight are named, made into distinct entities from the day, dramatizing the shortening of night-time into fall. The dramatic, sudden implications for the change bring to mind the switch between summer and winter, rather than a transitional season like fall—emphasizing the Speaker’s perspective rather than a factual narration of the experience.

She says “the proud meadow-pink hangs down her head/Against the earth’s chilly bosom, witched with frost”. Implying pride and defeat, and the word “witched,” the speaker brings a sense of conflict, morality, and even good versus evil into the transition between seasons. Rather than a smooth, welcome change, the speaker is practically against the coming of fall. The hyperbole present in the poem serves to illustrate the Speaker’s perspective and ideas on the coming of fall, which are characterized by reluctance and hostility to change from comfort.

The topic of this poem, Fall–a season characterized by change and the deconstruction of the spring and summer landscape—is juxtaposed with the final line which evokes the season of Spring. From this, it is clear that the speaker appreciates beautiful and blossoming change. However, they resent that which destroys familiar paradigms and norms. Fall, seen as the death of summer, is characterized as a regression, though the turning of seasons is a product of the literal passage of time. Utilizing romantic imagery and hyperbole to shape the Speaker’s perspective, Cary emphasizes the need to embrace change though it is difficult, because growth is not possible without hardship or discomfort.

Scoring Criteria: Why did this essay do so well? 

When it comes to scoring well, there are some rather formulaic things that the judges are searching for. You might think that it’s important to “stand out” or “be creative” in your writing. However, aside from concerns about “sophistication,” which essentially means you know how to organize thoughts into sentences and you can use language that isn’t entirely elementary, you should really focus on sticking to a form. This will show the scorers that you know how to follow that inductive/deductive reasoning process that we mentioned earlier, and it will help to present your ideas in the most clear, coherent way possible to someone who is reading and scoring hundreds of essays.

So, how did this essay succeed? And how can you do the same thing?

First: The Thesis 

On the exam, you can either get one point or zero points for your thesis statement. The scorers said, “The essay responds to the prompt with a defensible thesis located in the introductory paragraph,” which you can read as the first sentence in the essay. This is important to note: you don’t need a flowery hook to seduce your reader; you can just start this brief essay with some strong, simple, declarative sentences—or go right into your thesis.

What makes a good thesis? A good thesis statement does the following things:

• Makes a claim that will be supported by evidence
• Is specific and precise in its use of language
• Argues for an original thought that goes beyond a simple restating of the facts

If you’re sitting here scratching your head wondering how you come up with a thesis statement off the top of your head, let me give you one piece of advice: don’t.

The AP Lit scoring criteria gives you only one point for the thesis for a reason: they’re just looking for the presence of a defensible claim that can be proven by evidence in the rest of the essay.

Second: Write your essay from the inside out 

While the thesis is given one point, the form and content of the essay can receive anywhere from zero to four points. This is where you should place the bulk of your focus.

My best advice goes like this:

• Choose your evidence first
• Develop your commentary about the evidence
• Then draft your thesis statement based on the evidence that you find and the commentary you can create.

It will seem a little counterintuitive: like you’re writing your essay from the inside out. But this is a fundamental skill that will help you in college and beyond. Don’t come up with an argument out of thin air and then try to find evidence to support your claim. Look for the evidence that exists and then ask yourself what it all means. This will also keep you from feeling stuck or blocked at the beginning of the essay. If you prepare for the exam by reviewing the literary devices that you learned in the course and practice locating them in a text, you can quickly and efficiently read a literary passage and choose two or three literary devices that you can analyze.

Third: Use scratch paper to quickly outline your evidence and commentary 

Once you’ve located two or three literary devices at work in the given passage, use scratch paper to draw up a quick outline. Give each literary device a major bullet point. Then, briefly point to the quotes/evidence you’ll use in the essay. Finally, start to think about what the literary device and evidence are doing together. Try to answer the question: what meaning does this bring to the passage?

A sample outline for one paragraph of the above essay might look like this:

Romantic imagery

Portrayal of summer

• Woman who “from her golden collar… moans aloud”
• Summer as bounty

Contrast with Autumn

• Autumn dismantles Summer
• “Stray through stubble fields”
• Autumn is change; it has the power to dethrone the romance of Summer/make summer a bit meaningless

Recognition of change in a positive light

• Summer “lies on pillows / yellow leaves / tries old tunes”
• Bright imagery/fallen leaves
• Attempt to maintain old practices fails: “old tunes”
• But! There is sympathy: “lies on pillows”

Speaker recognizes: she can’t prevent what is to come; wishes to embrace natural passage of time

By the time the writer gets to the end of the outline for their paragraph, they can easily start to draw conclusions about the paragraph based on the evidence they have pulled out. You can see how that thinking might develop over the course of the outline.

Then, the speaker would take the conclusions they’ve drawn and write a “mini claim” that will start each paragraph. The final bullet point of this outline isn’t the same as the mini claim that comes at the top of the second paragraph of the essay, however, it is the conclusion of the paragraph. You would do well to use the concluding thoughts from your outline as the mini claim to start your body paragraph. This will make your paragraphs clear, concise, and help you to construct a coherent argument.

Repeat this process for the other one or two literary devices that you’ve chosen to analyze, and then: take a step back.

Fourth: Draft your thesis 

Once you quickly sketch out your outline, take a moment to “stand back” and see what you’ve drafted. You’ll be able to see that, among your two or three literary devices, you can draw some commonality. You might be able to say, as the writer did here, that romantic and hyperbolic imagery “illustrate the speaker’s unenthusiastic opinion of the coming of autumn,” ultimately illuminating the poet’s idea “that change is difficult to accept but necessary for growth.”

This is an original argument built on the evidence accumulated by the student. It directly answers the prompt by discussing literary techniques that “convey the speaker’s complex response to the changing seasons.” Remember to go back to the prompt and see what direction they want you to head with your thesis, and craft an argument that directly speaks to that prompt.

Then, move ahead to finish your body paragraphs and conclusion.

Fifth: Give each literary device its own body paragraph 

In this essay, the writer examines the use of two literary devices that are supported by multiple pieces of evidence. The first is “romantic imagery” and the second is “hyperbolic imagery.” The writer dedicates one paragraph to each idea. You should do this, too.

This is why it’s important to choose just two or three literary devices. You really don’t have time to dig into more. Plus, more ideas will simply cloud the essay and confuse your reader.

Using your outline, start each body paragraph with a “mini claim” that makes an argument about what it is you’ll be saying in your paragraph. Lay out your pieces of evidence, then provide commentary for why your evidence proves your point about that literary device.

Move onto the next literary device, rinse, and repeat.

Sixth: Commentary and Conclusion 

Finally, you’ll want to end this brief essay with a concluding paragraph that restates your thesis, briefly touches on your most important points from each body paragraph, and includes a development of the argument that you laid out in the essay.

In this particular example essay, the writer concludes by saying, “Utilizing romantic imagery and hyperbole to shape the Speaker’s perspective, Cary emphasizes the need to embrace change though it is difficult, because growth is not possible without hardship or discomfort.” This is a direct restatement of the thesis. At this point, you’ll have reached the end of your essay. Great work!

Seventh: Sophistication 

A final note on scoring criteria: there is one point awarded to what the scoring criteria calls “sophistication.” This is evidenced by the sophistication of thought and providing a nuanced literary analysis, which we’ve already covered in the steps above.

There are some things to avoid, however:

• Sweeping generalizations, such as, “From the beginning of human history, people have always searched for love,” or “Everyone goes through periods of darkness in their lives, much like the writer of this poem.”
• Only hinting at possible interpretations instead of developing your argument
• Oversimplifying your interpretation
• Or, by contrast, using overly flowery or complex language that does not meet your level of preparation or the context of the essay.

Remember to develop your argument with nuance and complexity and to write in a style that is academic but appropriate for the task at hand.

If you want more practice or to check out other exams from the past, go to the College Board’s website .

Brittany Borghi

After earning a BA in Journalism and an MFA in Nonfiction Writing from the University of Iowa, Brittany spent five years as a full-time lecturer in the Rhetoric Department at the University of Iowa. Additionally, she’s held previous roles as a researcher, full-time daily journalist, and book editor. Brittany’s work has been featured in The Iowa Review, The Hopkins Review, and the Pittsburgh City Paper, among others, and she was also a 2021 Pushcart Prize nominee.

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Books for College Students: Your Ultimate Summer Reading List

Among college students who participate in regular reading beyond their coursework, a staggering 90% report experiencing enhanced academic performance and remarkable personal growth. The impact of reading on their success cannot be underestimated. As you embark on your college journey, the books you choose to read can play a pivotal role in shaping your future.

Books for College Students: Short Description

In this article, we have meticulously curated an essential list of books to read in 2023. This collection spans a wide array of subjects and genres, all with the aim of not only bolstering your academic achievements but also nurturing your personal development. Within these pages, you will uncover invaluable insights, profound wisdom, and inspiration to embark on a transformative voyage of learning and self-discovery. So, join us on this literary expedition, and let these books become your steadfast companions in your pursuit of excellence and growth, creating unforgettable memories along the way with your best friend by your side.

Boost Your Reading: Books For College Students 2023

As you navigate the hectic world of higher education, finding time for leisure reading might seem like an elusive dream. But hold on because 2023 holds the promise of turning that dream into a reality. Reading isn't just a pastime; it's a powerful tool that can boost your college experience and personal growth. Beyond the academic rigors, immersing yourself in books can be a stress-relieving escape, a brain-strengthening exercise, and a vocabulary-expanding adventure.

So, let's make this year the turning point! Embrace the wonders of reading and kick-start the new year with a collection of the best books meticulously curated for college students like you. In this guide, our research paper writing service will explore the myriad advantages of reading, unveil our handpicked selection of must-reads, and provide practical tips to carve out time for reading amidst your busy schedule. Get ready to embrace the magic of literature and embark on a transformative journey through the written word in 2023!

The Power of Reading: Unveiling the Top 5 Benefits of Books

Embarking on a literary journey can unlock a multitude of benefits that extend far beyond the pages of a book. Whether you are an avid reader or someone looking to rediscover the joy of reading, the transformative power of books cannot be underestimated.

• Cognitive Enhancement : Reading books stimulates the brain, fostering improved cognitive functions such as critical thinking, problem-solving, and enhanced memory retention.
• Stress Reduction : Delving into the pages of a book provides a tranquil escape from the stresses of daily life, promoting relaxation and reducing anxiety levels.
• Vocabulary Expansion : Regular reading exposes you to a vast array of words and phrases, enriching your vocabulary and enhancing communication skills.
• Empathy and Emotional Intelligence : Through engaging with diverse characters and narratives, reading fosters empathy and emotional intelligence, enabling a deeper understanding of others' perspectives and emotions.
• Lifelong Learning : Books are a treasure trove of knowledge, offering an avenue for continuous learning and personal development, even beyond formal education.

Recommended Books for College Students

While we all love a good pride and prejudice book summary , there's so much more to explore in this treasure trove of the summer reading list handpicked for college students. Within these pages, you'll find a captivating blend of savvy tips, inspiring insights, and thought-provoking topics that go beyond classic literature. Whether you're seeking guidance to navigate college life with finesse or eager to foster personal growth and broaden your understanding of the world, these recommended reads are an indispensable addition to your bookshelf.

‘175+ Things to Do Before You Graduate College’ By Charlotte Lake

'175+ Things to Do Before You Graduate College' by Charlotte Lake is an exciting and comprehensive guidebook tailored for college students seeking to make the most of their academic journey and a fantastic source of graduation speech topics . Packed with a diverse array of activities, this book offers a myriad of inspiring ideas to enrich your college experience. From exploring new hobbies and joining clubs to undertaking internships and studying abroad, the author covers it all. Whether you're looking to create unforgettable memories, build meaningful connections, or develop crucial life skills, this book serves as your ultimate companion, ensuring you make the most of your college years and graduate with a well-rounded perspective and a multitude of experiences to cherish for a lifetime.

‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho

'The Alchemist' takes readers on an enchanting and philosophical journey through the eyes of Santiago, a young Andalusian shepherd who dreams of hidden treasures. Written by renowned author Paulo Coelho, this timeless novel explores the pursuit of one's dreams and the significance of following one's heart. With profound insights on destiny, perseverance, and self-discovery, this captivating tale has inspired millions worldwide and continues to leave a lasting impression on readers, encouraging them to reflect on their own life's purpose and embrace the magic of the journey.

‘Educated’ by Tara Westover

'Educated' is a powerful memoir penned by Tara Westover, earning its well-deserved spot among the top 50 books that captivate readers with its extraordinary journey. Recounting her upbringing in isolated rural Idaho, Tara's relentless pursuit of knowledge and academic success defies all odds. Growing up without formal education, she faces numerous challenges, yet her determination leads her to prestigious universities and a transformative education. Through themes of resilience, self-empowerment, and the pursuit of truth, this gripping narrative offers an unforgettable tale of courage and determination, inspiring readers to believe in the transformative power of education and the strength of the human spirit.

‘The Power of Habit’ by Charles Duhigg

In 'The Power of Habit,' Charles Duhigg unravels the fascinating science behind habits and their impact on our lives, making it an essential addition to any summer reading list. Drawing from cutting-edge research, real-life examples, and engaging stories, Duhigg explores how habits shape our behavior and influence personal and professional success. With practical insights on how to form and change habits, this book empowers readers to take control of their routines and leverage the power of habits to achieve lasting positive change. Whether you want to boost productivity, improve well-being, or enhance personal development, this insightful book offers a compelling guide to understanding and harnessing the power of habit.

‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ by Daniel Kahneman

In 'Thinking, Fast and Slow,' Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman takes readers on a captivating journey into the two systems that drive human thought: the fast, intuitive, and emotional system and the slow, deliberate, and analytical system. Through decades of research in psychology and behavioral economics, Kahneman illuminates the biases and heuristics that shape our decision-making processes. This thought-provoking book challenges our understanding of human rationality and provides valuable insights into how our minds work. As readers explore the intricacies of human cognition, they gain a deeper understanding of their own thought patterns and acquire the tools to make more informed and rational decisions in all aspects of life.

‘Atlas of the Heart’ by Brené Brown

In 'Atlas of the Heart,' renowned author and researcher Brené Brown delves into the complexities of emotions and vulnerability, guiding readers on a transformative journey of self-discovery and emotional resilience. With her signature blend of storytelling, research, and empathy, Brown explores the myriad aspects of the human heart—love, belonging, joy, grief, and courage. Through powerful insights and practical tools, she encourages readers to embrace their emotions, cultivate empathy, and build authentic connections with others. This profound exploration of the human experience empowers readers to navigate the ups and downs of life with courage and compassion.

Eager to Absorb Knowledge Without the Marathon Reading?

Say no more! Grab your book summary, and let's dive straight into the genius without the eyestrain!

‘Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?’ By Dr. Julie Smith

In 'Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?' Dr. Julie Smith offers a refreshing and candid perspective on life's crucial lessons and practical advice that many wish they had received earlier, making it a highly recommended book for college students. Drawing from her professional expertise and personal experiences, Dr. Smith shares insights on self-awareness, relationships, career, and personal growth. With wit and wisdom, she provides practical guidance to help readers navigate life's challenges, make informed decisions, and cultivate a sense of purpose and fulfillment. This empowering book serves as a compass for young adults and beyond, guiding them toward a more meaningful and intentional life.

To get a glimpse of the valuable insights within, here's a brief book review example : 'Dr. Julie Smith's 'Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?' offers a treasure trove of wisdom for anyone seeking a fulfilling and purpose-driven life. With humor and heartfelt anecdotes, the author imparts valuable life lessons that resonate with readers of all ages. This book is a must-read for those embarking on their journey of self-discovery and personal growth.'

‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear

In 'Atomic Habits,' James Clear presents a groundbreaking guide to understanding the power of small habits and their transformative impact on personal and professional success, making it one of the best books to read for students. This exceptional book has sold millions of copies worldwide, captivating readers with its powerful insights and practical approach. By drawing on the principles of neuroscience and behavioral psychology, Clear explains how tiny changes in behavior can lead to remarkable outcomes over time. This young man offers a practical framework for building and breaking habits, making it easier for readers to adopt positive behaviors and eliminate negative ones. With actionable strategies and real-life examples, this book empowers college students to create a solid foundation of habits that propel them toward their goals and aspirations.

‘Essentialism’ by Greg McKeown

'Essentialism' by Greg McKeown is a powerful manifesto for simplifying life and focusing on what truly matters, and it's a must-read for college kids seeking clarity amidst the chaos. Emphasizing the importance of saying 'no' to non-essential distractions, McKeown encourages readers to prioritize their time and energy on activities that align with their core values and long-term objectives. By eliminating the clutter and noise that often inundate our lives, readers can free themselves from the trap of busyness and gain greater clarity in their decision-making. This book serves as a guide to unlocking a life of purpose, fulfillment, and greater impact.

‘Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World’ By Cal Newport

In 'Digital Minimalism,' Cal Newport explores the concept of digital decluttering and advocates for a more intentional and mindful approach to technology use, making it one of the must-read books for college students. Drawing on research and case studies, Newport highlights the adverse effects of constant digital distraction on mental health and productivity. He offers a compelling argument for regaining control over our digital lives by cultivating habits that prioritize meaningful and focused engagement while reducing mindless scrolling and digital noise. This book provides practical strategies to build a healthier relationship with technology, allowing college students to reclaim their time, attention, and overall sense of presence in an increasingly noisy world.

In the ever-changing landscape of college life, books remain steadfast companions, offering keys to unlock the doors of academic triumph and personal enlightenment. So, my dear college student, embrace the wisdom, inspiration, and knowledge within these essential reads, for as Mark Twain once said, 'The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.' So, let these books to read in 2023 be your guides to a fulfilling and successful college experience. And if you ever need help on how to write a reflection paper , you can always hire a college essay writer . Happy reading and thriving!

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College Admission and Essay Essentials Book Set: College Application Resources for Teens Paperback – September 29, 2020

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You can get into the perfect school! Let the College Essay Guy take the stress out of writing your college admission essay and give you direction on every part of the admissions process.

College Essay Essentials Packed with brainstorming activities, college personal statement samples and more, this book provides a clear, stress-free roadmap to writing your best admission essay.

Writing a college admission essay doesn't have to be stressful. College counselor Ethan Sawyer (aka The College Essay Guy) will show you that there are only four (really, four!) types of college admission essays. And all you have to do to figure out which type is best for you is answer two simple questions:

• Have you experienced significant challenges in your life?
• Do you know what you want to be or do in the future?

With these questions providing the building blocks for your essay, Sawyer guides you through the rest of the process, from choosing a structure to revising your essay, and answers the big questions that have probably been keeping you up at night: How do I brag in a way that doesn't sound like bragging? and How do I make my essay, like, deep?

College Essay Essentials will help you with:

• The best brainstorming exercises
• Choosing an essay structure
• The all-important editing and revisions
• Exercises and tools to help you get started or get unstuck
• College admission essay examples

Inside College Admission Essentials you'll find: - Advice and insight from a team of counselors, advisors, and deans of admission - Interactive exercises that quickly and easily provide the best content for your application - Access to a massive database of online resources, including organizational tools and in-depth guides - Guidance for veterans, students with learning differences, LGBTQ+ students, students interested in women's colleges or HBCUs, and more

Ethan Sawyer (the College Essay Guy), along with dozens of top admission experts, will help you stand out by showing colleges and universities how your values and your drive will change you, your alma mater, and the world.

Packed with tips, tricks, exercises, and sample essays from real students who got into their dream schools, College Essay Essentials is the only college essay guide to make this complicated process logical, simple, and (dare we say it?) a little bit fun. And College Admission Essentials will walk you through every step of the process of getting into your top picks. The perfect companion to The Fiske Guide To Colleges 2020/2021 . For high school counselors and college admission coaches, this is an essential book to help walk your students through writing a stellar, authentic college essay.

• Language English
• Publisher Sourcebooks
• Publication date September 29, 2020
• Dimensions 6 x 1.5 x 9 inches
• ISBN-10 172824000X
• ISBN-13 978-1728240008
• See all details

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• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Sourcebooks (September 29, 2020)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 172824000X
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1728240008
• Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.8 pounds
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1.5 x 9 inches
• #25 in Teen & Young Adult College Entrance Aids
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These 5 Books Can Give You More Than a College Degree

I n the midst of late-night study sessions, essay reviews for that upcoming paper, and pondering " write papers for me " solutions, have you ever wondered if there’s more to learning than what’s found in college textbooks? Well, you’re onto something.

Books, especially those outside academic curriculums, can offer a wealth of knowledge, insights, and life lessons that often surpass what you learn in a lecture hall. Let’s explore some groundbreaking books that can give you more than a college degree.

“Thinking, Fast and Slow” by Daniel Kahneman

Daniel Kahneman’s “Thinking, Fast and Slow” offers a journey into the depths of the human mind. Kahneman, a renowned psychologist and Nobel Prize winner in Economic Sciences, introduces us to the two thinking systems: fast/emotional and slow/logical. 

Throughout the book, Kahneman engages readers with compelling examples and insightful experiments that reveal how our thinking can often be flawed and biased, even when we feel we are being rational. 

This book lays bare the inner workings of decision-making. It illuminates how we make choices in our daily lives, from the mundane to the significant. It’s a transformative read that reshapes your understanding of logic, reason, and human error.

“Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind” by Yuval Noah Harari

“Sapiens” is a grand narrative of human history. It takes readers on an epic journey through the annals of human evolution, from the emergence of Homo sapiens in Africa to the rise of empires and the complexities of modern life. 

In this sweeping narrative, Harari sheds light on:

• The cognitive revolution ‒ how Homo sapiens came to dominate the Earth, thanks to our unique ability to believe in shared myths;
• The agricultural revolution ‒ the transformation from foraging to farming, which changed our societies and lifestyles irrevocably;
• The unification of humankind ‒ the formation of larger and more complex civilizations.
• The scientific revolution ‒ a recent development that has given humans god-like powers but also the responsibility for the future of life on Earth.

“Sapiens” prompts us to ponder over our origins, our future, and our place in the world.

“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey

The self-help book is a guide for personal and professional transformation. Covey introduces seven habits that promise to change not only the way you work but also the way you live. 

The book goes beyond traditional productivity tips and delves into character development and intrinsic values. Covey emphasizes that real change starts from within and radiates outward. 

Covey’s book is especially relevant in a world where success is often superficially defined. It encourages students to build a foundation of effective habits that lead to lasting and meaningful achievements.

Source: https://www.pexels.com/photo/123-let-s-go-imaginary-text-704767/  

“Outliers: The Story of Success” by Malcolm Gladwell

Gladwell challenges the traditional narrative of success that focuses solely on individual talent and ambition. Instead, he introduces us to a world where success is also a product of historical and cultural circumstances, unexpected opportunities, and the amount of time spent practicing one’s craft. 

He uses compelling stories and research to illustrate how factors like birth month, cultural heritage, and even the 10,000-hour rule play a significant role in shaping high achievers.

Gladwell’s book is a revelation, especially for students who are often fed the narrative that success is only about hard work and talent. “Outliers” encourages students to consider their background, opportunities, and the sheer amount of practice in their pursuits. Gladwell’s insightful analysis shows that success is not just about what you do but also where, when, and how you do it.

“How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie

First published in the 1930s, the principles discussed in this book are still relevant today. Carnegie’s book delves into the psychology behind everyday interactions and provides practical advice for enhancing communication and influence. The core of his teachings revolves around the idea that understanding and empathizing with others’ perspectives is the key to building meaningful connections.

The book breaks down essential interpersonal skills and presents them in a manner that is easy to understand and apply. Carnegie also touches upon how to handle disagreements and criticisms constructively.

The lessons in “How to Win Friends and Influence People” extend beyond just making friends; they are about developing a charismatic and considerate persona that can lead to success in various aspects of life. In a world where networking is often key to opportunities, Carnegie’s teachings offer timeless wisdom for building a network with authenticity and integrity.

The Bottom Line

From understanding the complexities of human behavior and history to mastering interpersonal skills and redefining success, these reads provide a well-rounded education. 

Some of the most valuable lessons come from outside the classroom. So, immerse yourself in these books and complement your college education with insights and wisdom that will last a lifetime.

My Davidson | A Student Blog Photo Essay: English Scholars Go to AWP Conference

In February, Abbott Scholars in Davidson College’s English Department had the opportunity to attend the AWP (Association of Writers & Writer Programs) Conference in Kansas City. Check out their photos and reflections. 

About the Authors

Isabel smith '24: poetry & book fairs.

The Abbott Scholars Program allows students to spend a year crafting either a scholarly or creative thesis on a topic of their choice, working alongside a director, a reader, and the other scholars. You get an extended period of time to produce strong writing, opportunities to talk with visiting authors, and the ability to request funding for related research and travel.

Abbott Scholars

One travel opportunity is the chance to attend the Association of Writers & Writer Programs (AWP) conference, which seven of us went to in February of this year. This year, the conference was in Kansas City, and it lasted three days: Thursday to Saturday. Each of us individually picked what panels to go to each day. I am writing a poetry thesis, so the first talk I attended was “Sound and Color: Poets and Visual Artists in Exquisite Exchange.” The presentation was my favorite of all of them because of how illuminating and beautiful it was. Each poet had partnered with a visual artist, and they shared the process of working in tandem to create together, displaying photographs, blurbs of text exchanges, paintings, and finally, the finished poetry. Due to this experience, I decided to incorporate visual art into my own practice, and I have since begun working on finding available art as well as creating some myself. Additionally, my mother is a painter and my father is a poet, so I was very excited to share what I had learned with the both of them.

Throughout the few days, I attended panels on drafting tips and tricks (featuring Davidson Professors Parker and Shavers), sharing elegies, queer post-religious poetry, and trans poetics, all of which were a pleasure and incredibly helpful. Another important aspect of the conference was the bookfair. It was a labyrinth, spanning an entire floor of the huge conference center. Besides fun and silly booths — like one labeled “Poetic Help”  — the bookfair featured presses, literature reviews, and MFA programs, so I got the chance to talk to experts in the field of writing and publishing. They also tended to give out free books, excitingly, so I got quite the haul, all of which I can’t wait to read. At night, the seven of us — Tavie Kittredge, Michael Chapin, Nate Bagonza, Mason Davis, Taylor Dykes, Abby Morris, and myself — would explore the city, including events put on by AWPers. We went out to dinner together and attended the keynote, a poetry reading at a cat cafe, and a Rock & Roll-themed reading. It was amazing to bond with my peers and explore a new city. Thanks to the funding of the Abbott Scholars Program, I know much more about how to pursue a future in writing.

Michael Chapin ’24: Surrounded by Passionate Writers

The seven of us traveling together really solidified the bonds we’ve been building over the past semester and allowed us to spend time together outside of our thesis work, whether that was over Thai or ramen for dinner or just taking the time to explore the city. 

Getting to spend that time at AWP was incredibly special because, for me at least, it was the first time being surrounded by people deeply connected and committed to writing in all its forms. We attended events ranging from poetry readings at cat cafés to queer narrative presentations in speakeasy bars. 

My personal highlight of the conference was listening to Jericho Brown deliver the keynote speech in which he called on us to challenge the world as we know it — to challenge book bans and our perception of the world as impossible to change. Brown asked why we can’t imagine a better world while acknowledging that a better world is not created without a fight. A quote from the speech that has stuck with me in the weeks since was his question: “If the fight is against fascism, who do we need to be if we lose that fight?” And then, who do we need to be to win?

Trying a taste of Kansas City barbecue!

Exploring the streets of Kansas City.

Mason Davis '24: The Impact of AWP

The best part of the conference? Talking to authors, talking to MFA directors, talking to independent publishers … Being honest about what I wanted to know and not feeling awkward about lacking experience was so valuable. 

The best single moment I had was cornering Susan Choi and telling her how much I loved  Trust Exercise . She seemed so delighted that I loved the book, which warmed my heart. AWP carried an infectious feeling of immense creative potential that has stuck with me vividly.

Now that I’ve seen a piece of the literary world, I want to be a part of it. I loved talking about books and the book-world all day. It felt a bit like the Davidson College campus except that  everyone wants to do creative writing. That was a dream for me. I felt sad coming back to reality ... Sitting side-by-side with people who have just done a fantastic reading, or highly regarded editors, or publishers etc. etc. made me feel like my goals are imminently possible. There is so, so much writing out there and so many people making it work, somehow. If they can do it, so can I. 

I'd also been skeptical about MFA programs (how will I afford it? is it even necessary?), but meeting all those MFA students and directors has convinced me that I'd be doing myself a serious disservice by not applying to programs in the next 1-5 years, depending on where life takes me. Not to get ahead of myself.

I want to express my gratitude to the Abbott family (and personally Susan, who was so wonderful to share a dinner with) for the opportunity to, in a sense, role-play as a 'real' writer for an extended weekend and get to try on those shoes. I liked how they fit. I can only speak with certainty for myself, but I know I felt (re)invigorated in becoming a person of letters.

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• March 26, 2024
• My Davidson

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I Used to Cringe at Self-Help Books. Until This One Changed My Life.

How a best-selling classic from 1992 helped me rediscover my creativity.

By Jillian Steinhauer

I have written about art my whole career. I find it and its creators endlessly fascinating, but I’ve always seen myself as something of a different kind — a journalist and critic, yes, but never an “artist,” with all the imaginative power that word conveys. Recently, though, I conducted a particularly poignant, intimate interview. The artist and I talked about childhood and the struggle of making oneself heard. There were tears. Afterward I had a thought: What would it be like if I were the one being interviewed? Could I be the artist, possessed of creative vision, like one of my subjects? The prospect was equally thrilling and terrifying.

These questions grew out of a long period in which I had been feeling alternately adrift and stuck. I regularly write about contemporary art for publications like this one, but for a while I’ve been in creative limbo. At first I wasn’t sure why, or even how, to describe it. Sometimes I said I felt disconnected from my voice; other times that my work and life, which was then filled with death and illness, seemed to have grown far apart.

I tried to address this through my usual methods: talking to friends, family, my therapist. When those didn’t work, I turned to a remedy several people had suggested: the 1992 book “The Artist’s Way,” by Julia Cameron. Structured as a 12-week course that leads the reader on a spiritual journey of “creative recovery,” the book began as a class and a collection of typed-up pages that Cameron photocopied and sold in bookstores, until she found a publisher willing to take it on. “We didn’t know where to put it on the shelves,” Joel Fotinos, who published the book at Penguin, said in a 2019 interview. “Eventually there was a category called ‘Creativity,’ and ‘The Artist’s Way’ launched it.” The book has sold more than five million copies since its publication, and Cameron has become a kind of guru.

I knew none of this when I ordered “The Artist’s Way,” only that it was some kind of woo-woo self-help book, and that it had popularized the phrase “morning pages” (which seemed like journaling, in the morning?). When I sat down to read, I almost immediately cringed. On the first page of the introduction, Cameron invokes “The Great Creator,” a.k.a. capital “G” God. That immediately set off my internal alarm; I underlined it wavily and wrote “Mmm” alongside. Turning the page, I realized to my horror that random inspirational quotes set in the margins were going to be a recurring feature. (An example: “I shut my eyes in order to see,” credited to Paul Gauguin.) The following chapters brought a bewildering jumble of metaphors.

I like to think I’m receptive, but I am also a critic — someone who prides herself on her discerning taste, at least in certain realms, including books. This was like a compendium of questionable taste. It took me back to the days of being a preteen, when I pored over the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series and published my bad poetry in school magazines. That version of me was so earnest that in retrospect I found her a bit embarrassing. But I also envied her nerve. She seemed a lot less self-conscious than the person I had become.

As it turned out, the beauty of “The Artist’s Way” was in asking people like me to set aside matters of taste entirely. Instead, Cameron prompted me to turn inward. One of her two core practices is the morning pages, writing three longhand pages upon waking up, which Cameron says “get us to the other side: the other side of our fear, of our negativity, of our moods” by creating space to contend with them. The other is the “artist date,” a weekly solo excursion or activity meant to cultivate inspiration. I didn’t always manage to do these tasks, but I recognized their value. I had arranged to do “The Artist’s Way” with a small group of women, and as one of them put it in a meeting, the exercises offered a way of witnessing ourselves.

There was something refreshing about a text that didn’t need to be perfect, that came from a place of urgency.

Cameron’s writing encouraged that exploration. She spoke plainly and directly, without elaborate flourishes and conspicuous erudition. I came to appreciate the book’s many flaws: There was something refreshing about a text that didn’t need to be perfect, that came from a place of urgency. She said what needed to be said — and when she did, I often felt as if she were seeing and dragging me simultaneously. “Most blocked creatives have an active addiction to anxiety,” she wrote. “We prefer the low-grade pain and occasional heart-stopping panic attack to the drudgery of small and simple daily steps in the right direction.” “My god,” I responded in the margins.

Cameron seemed at home in her voice; her tutelage made me think about mine. I realized that after 17 years as a journalist and critic, the balance was off: I had allowed my professional taste-making — an inherently public concern — to obscure other interests and curiosities. I had honed my professional voice at the expense of my private one. Loving “The Artist’s Way” feels strangely embarrassing — because it’s less rational than it is sincere. But as Cameron knows, authenticity is the best place for an artist to begin.

Jillian Steinhauer is a critic and reporter who covers the politics of art and comics. She won a 2019 Andy Warhol Foundation Arts Writers grant and was previously a senior editor at Hyperallergic. More about Jillian Steinhauer

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• The Case for Marrying an Older Man

A woman’s life is all work and little rest. An age gap relationship can help.

In the summer, in the south of France, my husband and I like to play, rather badly, the lottery. We take long, scorching walks to the village — gratuitous beauty, gratuitous heat — kicking up dust and languid debates over how we’d spend such an influx. I purchase scratch-offs, jackpot tickets, scraping the former with euro coins in restaurants too fine for that. I never cash them in, nor do I check the winning numbers. For I already won something like the lotto, with its gifts and its curses, when he married me.

He is ten years older than I am. I chose him on purpose, not by chance. As far as life decisions go, on balance, I recommend it.

When I was 20 and a junior at Harvard College, a series of great ironies began to mock me. I could study all I wanted, prove myself as exceptional as I liked, and still my fiercest advantage remained so universal it deflated my other plans. My youth. The newness of my face and body. Compellingly effortless; cruelly fleeting. I shared it with the average, idle young woman shrugging down the street. The thought, when it descended on me, jolted my perspective, the way a falling leaf can make you look up: I could diligently craft an ideal existence, over years and years of sleepless nights and industry. Or I could just marry it early.

So naturally I began to lug a heavy suitcase of books each Saturday to the Harvard Business School to work on my Nabokov paper. In one cavernous, well-appointed room sat approximately 50 of the planet’s most suitable bachelors. I had high breasts, most of my eggs, plausible deniability when it came to purity, a flush ponytail, a pep in my step that had yet to run out. Apologies to Progress, but older men still desired those things.

I could not understand why my female classmates did not join me, given their intelligence. Each time I reconsidered the project, it struck me as more reasonable. Why ignore our youth when it amounted to a superpower? Why assume the burdens of womanhood, its too-quick-to-vanish upper hand, but not its brief benefits at least? Perhaps it came easier to avoid the topic wholesale than to accept that women really do have a tragically short window of power, and reason enough to take advantage of that fact while they can. As for me, I liked history, Victorian novels, knew of imminent female pitfalls from all the books I’d read: vampiric boyfriends; labor, at the office and in the hospital, expected simultaneously; a decline in status as we aged, like a looming eclipse. I’d have disliked being called calculating, but I had, like all women, a calculator in my head. I thought it silly to ignore its answers when they pointed to an unfairness for which we really ought to have been preparing.

I was competitive by nature, an English-literature student with all the corresponding major ambitions and minor prospects (Great American novel; email job). A little Bovarist , frantic for new places and ideas; to travel here, to travel there, to be in the room where things happened. I resented the callow boys in my class, who lusted after a particular, socially sanctioned type on campus: thin and sexless, emotionally detached and socially connected, the opposite of me. Restless one Saturday night, I slipped on a red dress and snuck into a graduate-school event, coiling an HDMI cord around my wrist as proof of some technical duty. I danced. I drank for free, until one of the organizers asked me to leave. I called and climbed into an Uber. Then I promptly climbed out of it. For there he was, emerging from the revolving doors. Brown eyes, curved lips, immaculate jacket. I went to him, asked him for a cigarette. A date, days later. A second one, where I discovered he was a person, potentially my favorite kind: funny, clear-eyed, brilliant, on intimate terms with the universe.

I used to love men like men love women — that is, not very well, and with a hunger driven only by my own inadequacies. Not him. In those early days, I spoke fondly of my family, stocked the fridge with his favorite pasta, folded his clothes more neatly than I ever have since. I wrote his mother a thank-you note for hosting me in his native France, something befitting a daughter-in-law. It worked; I meant it. After graduation and my fellowship at Oxford, I stayed in Europe for his career and married him at 23.

Of course I just fell in love. Romances have a setting; I had only intervened to place myself well. Mainly, I spotted the precise trouble of being a woman ahead of time, tried to surf it instead of letting it drown me on principle. I had grown bored of discussions of fair and unfair, equal or unequal , and preferred instead to consider a thing called ease.

The reception of a particular age-gap relationship depends on its obviousness. The greater and more visible the difference in years and status between a man and a woman, the more it strikes others as transactional. Transactional thinking in relationships is both as American as it gets and the least kosher subject in the American romantic lexicon. When a 50-year-old man and a 25-year-old woman walk down the street, the questions form themselves inside of you; they make you feel cynical and obscene: How good of a deal is that? Which party is getting the better one? Would I take it? He is older. Income rises with age, so we assume he has money, at least relative to her; at minimum, more connections and experience. She has supple skin. Energy. Sex. Maybe she gets a Birkin. Maybe he gets a baby long after his prime. The sight of their entwined hands throws a lucid light on the calculations each of us makes, in love, to varying degrees of denial. You could get married in the most romantic place in the world, like I did, and you would still have to sign a contract.

Twenty and 30 is not like 30 and 40; some freshness to my features back then, some clumsiness in my bearing, warped our decade, in the eyes of others, to an uncrossable gulf. Perhaps this explains the anger we felt directed at us at the start of our relationship. People seemed to take us very, very personally. I recall a hellish car ride with a friend of his who began to castigate me in the backseat, in tones so low that only I could hear him. He told me, You wanted a rich boyfriend. You chased and snuck into parties . He spared me the insult of gold digger, but he drew, with other words, the outline for it. Most offended were the single older women, my husband’s classmates. They discussed me in the bathroom at parties when I was in the stall. What does he see in her? What do they talk about? They were concerned about me. They wielded their concern like a bludgeon. They paraphrased without meaning to my favorite line from Nabokov’s Lolita : “You took advantage of my disadvantage,” suspecting me of some weakness he in turn mined. It did not disturb them, so much, to consider that all relationships were trades. The trouble was the trade I’d made struck them as a bad one.

The truth is you can fall in love with someone for all sorts of reasons, tiny transactions, pluses and minuses, whose sum is your affection for each other, your loyalty, your commitment. The way someone picks up your favorite croissant. Their habit of listening hard. What they do for you on your anniversary and your reciprocal gesture, wrapped thoughtfully. The serenity they inspire; your happiness, enlivening it. When someone says they feel unappreciated, what they really mean is you’re in debt to them.

When I think of same-age, same-stage relationships, what I tend to picture is a woman who is doing too much for too little.

I’m 27 now, and most women my age have “partners.” These days, girls become partners quite young. A partner is supposed to be a modern answer to the oppression of marriage, the terrible feeling of someone looming over you, head of a household to which you can only ever be the neck. Necks are vulnerable. The problem with a partner, however, is if you’re equal in all things, you compromise in all things. And men are too skilled at taking .

There is a boy out there who knows how to floss because my friend taught him. Now he kisses college girls with fresh breath. A boy married to my friend who doesn’t know how to pack his own suitcase. She “likes to do it for him.” A million boys who know how to touch a woman, who go to therapy because they were pushed, who learned fidelity, boundaries, decency, manners, to use a top sheet and act humanely beneath it, to call their mothers, match colors, bring flowers to a funeral and inhale, exhale in the face of rage, because some girl, some girl we know, some girl they probably don’t speak to and will never, ever credit, took the time to teach him. All while she was working, raising herself, clawing up the cliff-face of adulthood. Hauling him at her own expense.

I find a post on Reddit where five thousand men try to define “ a woman’s touch .” They describe raised flower beds, blankets, photographs of their loved ones, not hers, sprouting on the mantel overnight. Candles, coasters, side tables. Someone remembering to take lint out of the dryer. To give compliments. I wonder what these women are getting back. I imagine them like Cinderella’s mice, scurrying around, their sole proof of life their contributions to a more central character. On occasion I meet a nice couple, who grew up together. They know each other with a fraternalism tender and alien to me.  But I think of all my friends who failed at this, were failed at this, and I think, No, absolutely not, too risky . Riskier, sometimes, than an age gap.

My younger brother is in his early 20s, handsome, successful, but in many ways: an endearing disaster. By his age, I had long since wisened up. He leaves his clothes in the dryer, takes out a single shirt, steams it for three minutes. His towel on the floor, for someone else to retrieve. His lovely, same-age girlfriend is aching to fix these tendencies, among others. She is capable beyond words. Statistically, they will not end up together. He moved into his first place recently, and she, the girlfriend, supplied him with a long, detailed list of things he needed for his apartment: sheets, towels, hangers, a colander, which made me laugh. She picked out his couch. I will bet you anything she will fix his laundry habits, and if so, they will impress the next girl. If they break up, she will never see that couch again, and he will forget its story. I tell her when I visit because I like her, though I get in trouble for it: You shouldn’t do so much for him, not for someone who is not stuck with you, not for any boy, not even for my wonderful brother.

Too much work had left my husband, by 30, jaded and uninspired. He’d burned out — but I could reenchant things. I danced at restaurants when they played a song I liked. I turned grocery shopping into an adventure, pleased by what I provided. Ambitious, hungry, he needed someone smart enough to sustain his interest, but flexible enough in her habits to build them around his hours. I could. I do: read myself occupied, make myself free, materialize beside him when he calls for me. In exchange, I left a lucrative but deadening spreadsheet job to write full-time, without having to live like a writer. I learned to cook, a little, and decorate, somewhat poorly. Mostly I get to read, to walk central London and Miami and think in delicious circles, to work hard, when necessary, for free, and write stories for far less than minimum wage when I tally all the hours I take to write them.

At 20, I had felt daunted by the project of becoming my ideal self, couldn’t imagine doing it in tandem with someone, two raw lumps of clay trying to mold one another and only sullying things worse. I’d go on dates with boys my age and leave with the impression they were telling me not about themselves but some person who didn’t exist yet and on whom I was meant to bet regardless. My husband struck me instead as so finished, formed. Analyzable for compatibility. He bore the traces of other women who’d improved him, small but crucial basics like use a coaster ; listen, don’t give advice. Young egos mellow into patience and generosity.

My husband isn’t my partner. He’s my mentor, my lover, and, only in certain contexts, my friend. I’ll never forget it, how he showed me around our first place like he was introducing me to myself: This is the wine you’ll drink, where you’ll keep your clothes, we vacation here, this is the other language we’ll speak, you’ll learn it, and I did. Adulthood seemed a series of exhausting obligations. But his logistics ran so smoothly that he simply tacked mine on. I moved into his flat, onto his level, drag and drop, cleaner thrice a week, bills automatic. By opting out of partnership in my 20s, I granted myself a kind of compartmentalized, liberating selfishness none of my friends have managed. I am the work in progress, the party we worry about, a surprising dominance. When I searched for my first job, at 21, we combined our efforts, for my sake. He had wisdom to impart, contacts with whom he arranged coffees; we spent an afternoon, laughing, drawing up earnest lists of my pros and cons (highly sociable; sloppy math). Meanwhile, I took calls from a dear friend who had a boyfriend her age. Both savagely ambitious, hyperclose and entwined in each other’s projects. If each was a start-up , the other was the first hire, an intense dedication I found riveting. Yet every time she called me, I hung up with the distinct feeling that too much was happening at the same time: both learning to please a boss; to forge more adult relationships with their families; to pay bills and taxes and hang prints on the wall. Neither had any advice to give and certainly no stability. I pictured a three-legged race, two people tied together and hobbling toward every milestone.

I don’t fool myself. My marriage has its cons. There are only so many times one can say “thank you” — for splendid scenes, fine dinners — before the phrase starts to grate. I live in an apartment whose rent he pays and that shapes the freedom with which I can ever be angry with him. He doesn’t have to hold it over my head. It just floats there, complicating usual shorthands to explain dissatisfaction like, You aren’t being supportive lately . It’s a Frenchism to say, “Take a decision,” and from time to time I joke: from whom? Occasionally I find myself in some fabulous country at some fabulous party and I think what a long way I have traveled, like a lucky cloud, and it is frightening to think of oneself as vapor.

Mostly I worry that if he ever betrayed me and I had to move on, I would survive, but would find in my humor, preferences, the way I make coffee or the bed nothing that he did not teach, change, mold, recompose, stamp with his initials, the way Renaissance painters hid in their paintings their faces among a crowd. I wonder if when they looked at their paintings, they saw their own faces first. But this is the wrong question, if our aim is happiness. Like the other question on which I’m expected to dwell: Who is in charge, the man who drives or the woman who put him there so she could enjoy herself? I sit in the car, in the painting it would have taken me a corporate job and 20 years to paint alone, and my concern over who has the upper hand becomes as distant as the horizon, the one he and I made so wide for me.

To be a woman is to race against the clock, in several ways, until there is nothing left to be but run ragged.

We try to put it off, but it will hit us at some point: that we live in a world in which our power has a different shape from that of men, a different distribution of advantage, ours a funnel and theirs an expanding cone. A woman at 20 rarely has to earn her welcome; a boy at 20 will be turned away at the door. A woman at 30 may find a younger woman has taken her seat; a man at 30 will have invited her. I think back to the women in the bathroom, my husband’s classmates. What was my relationship if not an inconvertible sign of this unfairness? What was I doing, in marrying older, if not endorsing it? I had taken advantage of their disadvantage. I had preempted my own. After all, principled women are meant to defy unfairness, to show some integrity or denial, not plan around it, like I had. These were driven women, successful, beautiful, capable. I merely possessed the one thing they had already lost. In getting ahead of the problem, had I pushed them down? If I hadn’t, would it really have made any difference?

When we decided we wanted to be equal to men, we got on men’s time. We worked when they worked, retired when they retired, had to squeeze pregnancy, children, menopause somewhere impossibly in the margins. I have a friend, in her late 20s, who wears a mood ring; these days it is often red, flickering in the air like a siren when she explains her predicament to me. She has raised her fair share of same-age boyfriends. She has put her head down, worked laboriously alongside them, too. At last she is beginning to reap the dividends, earning the income to finally enjoy herself. But it is now, exactly at this precipice of freedom and pleasure, that a time problem comes closing in. If she would like to have children before 35, she must begin her next profession, motherhood, rather soon, compromising inevitably her original one. The same-age partner, equally unsettled in his career, will take only the minimum time off, she guesses, or else pay some cost which will come back to bite her. Everything unfailingly does. If she freezes her eggs to buy time, the decision and its logistics will burden her singly — and perhaps it will not work. Overlay the years a woman is supposed to establish herself in her career and her fertility window and it’s a perfect, miserable circle. By midlife women report feeling invisible, undervalued; it is a telling cliché, that after all this, some husbands leave for a younger girl. So when is her time, exactly? For leisure, ease, liberty? There is no brand of feminism which achieved female rest. If women’s problem in the ’50s was a paralyzing malaise, now it is that they are too active, too capable, never permitted a vacation they didn’t plan. It’s not that our efforts to have it all were fated for failure. They simply weren’t imaginative enough.

For me, my relationship, with its age gap, has alleviated this rush , permitted me to massage the clock, shift its hands to my benefit. Very soon, we will decide to have children, and I don’t panic over last gasps of fun, because I took so many big breaths of it early: on the holidays of someone who had worked a decade longer than I had, in beautiful places when I was young and beautiful, a symmetry I recommend. If such a thing as maternal energy exists, mine was never depleted. I spent the last nearly seven years supported more than I support and I am still not as old as my husband was when he met me. When I have a child, I will expect more help from him than I would if he were younger, for what does professional tenure earn you if not the right to set more limits on work demands — or, if not, to secure some child care, at the very least? When I return to work after maternal upheaval, he will aid me, as he’s always had, with his ability to put himself aside, as younger men are rarely able.

Above all, the great gift of my marriage is flexibility. A chance to live my life before I become responsible for someone else’s — a lover’s, or a child’s. A chance to write. A chance at a destiny that doesn’t adhere rigidly to the routines and timelines of men, but lends itself instead to roomy accommodation, to the very fluidity Betty Friedan dreamed of in 1963 in The Feminine Mystique , but we’ve largely forgotten: some career or style of life that “permits year-to-year variation — a full-time paid job in one community, part-time in another, exercise of the professional skill in serious volunteer work or a period of study during pregnancy or early motherhood when a full-time job is not feasible.” Some things are just not feasible in our current structures. Somewhere along the way we stopped admitting that, and all we did was make women feel like personal failures. I dream of new structures, a world in which women have entry-level jobs in their 30s; alternate avenues for promotion; corporate ladders with balconies on which they can stand still, have a smoke, take a break, make a baby, enjoy themselves, before they keep climbing. Perhaps men long for this in their own way. Actually I am sure of that.

Once, when we first fell in love, I put my head in his lap on a long car ride; I remember his hands on my face, the sun, the twisting turns of a mountain road, surprising and not surprising us like our romance, and his voice, telling me that it was his biggest regret that I was so young, he feared he would lose me. Last week, we looked back at old photos and agreed we’d given each other our respective best years. Sometimes real equality is not so obvious, sometimes it takes turns, sometimes it takes almost a decade to reveal itself.

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