essay about living together before marriage

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Living Together before Marriage

Updated 19 August 2021

Subject Love

Downloads 30

Category Family ,  Life

Topic Divorce ,  Marriage ,  Relationship

The shift is unavoidable in this day and era. The complexities of a marriage and partnerships have also evolved over time. Around 50 years ago, there was a very negative mentality about the way partnerships, families and divorce were discussed. That mentality has not changed, and today there is a much more reserved attitude about the manner in which these matters are preceded (McNulty et al 2016). Another subject that has lately attracted interest is the question of live-in partnerships. Couples, who are planning on getting married someday, should cohabitate first because it will provide a better perspective about their partner, get them accustomed to each other’s lifestyle, and change in the gender role. Personally, I prefer that people who want to get married should live together first so that they could get to know what they are getting themselves into and if they are ready for it. Ideally, there are views both in favor and against this idea of life in relationships but I think that cohabitating before marriage outweighs all arguments against this. (Berrington, 2015). The first reason is that living together before marriage is the fundamental test. It is at this time that people who want to be married get to understand if they can still love each other even after acknowledging that it is not going to be a joy ride. The love that people have for each other will be tested fully when they live together before marriage. Most of the times, in any prospective romantic relationship, it is tough to have an idea about the way that partner is going to turn out (McNulty et al 2016). Marriage is pretty much like a legal contract, and they proceed in such a long-term commitment with someone just by few meetings is somewhat a huge gamble (Berrington, 2015). On the other hand, if two people live together for a considerable period, then there is a likelihood that they would get to know each other at a more personal level (McNulty et al. 2016). Not only, but they would also be sure that how that other partner is going to turn out if something does not go right at every level. The statistics have also shown that that person who goes into marriage straightaway after romantic relationships, the divorce rate is higher by about 30 % in those cases. On the other hand, couples that know each other are much likely to stay together (Berrington, 2015). The other aspect that has to be taken into consideration is the fact that how committed people are into the relationship (McNulty et al, 2016). These days, the level of commitment that is going to be witnessed among each of the partners might vary. Thus, if one person jumps into the marriage while the other one is not comfortable with it is the critical fact that is needed to be taken into the reckoning (McNulty et al 2016). When the level of commitment is not the same in both the partners, then there is a likelihood that the marriage is not going to work out. Having a better understanding of your partner is one of the prime reasons to which marriage or long-term commitment must be done after living together for a while (Berrington, 2015). The second reason is that people who live together before marriage form a stronger bond as a team thus will be able to plan their future. They will be able to plan their careers, relationship, and financial system together. This will give them the experience and wisdom of how to raise a family if they end up getting married. Through this, both of them will be able to understand each others’ priorities and values and if it aligns with theirs before getting married. Once you start living with that person, you realize how the spend the rest of the day (McNulty). Some people might be charismatic when one gets to spend a short amount of time with them, but once that initial phase is over, persons/partners personality may become more reserved in the relationship (Berrington, 2015). As the relationship evolves, one becomes more aware of their partners values, beliefs, and goals. For instance, how soon they want the kids to happen, or whether they want kids at all (Rhoades). When people are living together, they can develop an insight about the way this relationship is going to work and what is the perspective of people with regards to the way things are going to be working out.The third reason is that a couple’s passion and intimacy life will be tested before getting married. Couples will get to understand more if they will be comfortable with each other and can be able to plan if they can be able to have babies in the future.Argument supporting living together before marriageAn April issue of the Journal of marriage and family that was presented early to the Council involving contemporary families’ states that recent studies have wrongly overstated that living together before marriage triggers divorce highly. An assistant professor at the University of Carolina, Arielle Kuperberg supports cohabitation by arguing that living together does not really result to divorce in marriage later on. The professor goes ahead to say that it depends on what age the couple decided to start living together. It, therefore, suggests that people that used to live together but got divorced after marriage are the ones who did not choose compatible partners who are suitable for them. This is in contrast to what the US Attorney Legal services which says that couples that lived together before have a 49% chance of getting divorced while those that never lived together have a 20% chance. Basically, divorce can be influenced by many factors like career. Careers, like dancing and bartending record the highest rate of divorce therefore living together, does not primarily mean that your marriage will end up in divorce.When people are dating each other, they only meet for a limited amount of time, and during that phase, they tend to be presentable which is not the case most of the times when they are living in the vicinity of their homes (Berrington, 2015). Research proves that when you are conversating to someone you like, everything from your body language and the tone of your voice changes (Boyce, 2016). That is not going to be a case when one person is living with their partner for a more extended period because it is going to allow for better reflection of that person (McNulty). Things are bound to change when people start to live together. For instance, how organized the person is when it comes to the daily chores, how are the financials and the living style of the person (Berrington). These are the little thing that might not matter if one is meeting for a brief period (Boyce, 2016). The greater the level of communication is, the greater the likelihood that the marriage is going to be successfull (Boyce et al, 2016). If these things are not cleared out, they might cause unnecessary expectation on each other. Communication is an important part of understanding in the marriage process (Boyce, 2016). With the passage of time, there has been a definitive change in the way gender roles are defined. Previously, women were content to stay home, and they had no career aspirations at that point in time (Boyce et al, 2016). Now, more and more women are entering the professional field. There are two reasons for it: One is the fact that the inflation rates and other factors have prompted women to come into the professional arena (Rhoades, 2015). Their communication is needed in order to maintain a sustainable lifestyle. The other factor is the rise in the wave of the feminism (Boyce et al, 2016). People are becoming more and more aware of the facts that there is no need for stereotyping of the genders. As women are entering the professional fray, they form new relationships, and, as they move away from home and to another city, those relationships are not lasting. In the early age, the preference for them is not to settle down, and instead, work towards a more prosperous and sustainable career. At times, men are not comfortable with their women working they prefer for their wives to be a homemaker (Boyce ).Modern women on the other hand, are not comfortable staying home (Boyce ). It is important that these conversations are held on a regular basis because and these concerns are needed to be addressed before one goes into a marriage (Rhoades). Marriage is a long-term commitment, and divorce is something that is much harder to get away from versus cohabitating (Boyce). The church will argue that marriage is a lifelong commitment and should not to be dissolved or broken. Commitment means being determined that the couples will stick it out no matter what the future brings. When there is an agreement without commitment it is easy to give up. When there is a commitment ahead of time, you hang-tough through good times and the bad and don't bail out at the first sign of trouble. According to the Bible in the New International Version, Eph. 5:31 it states that a man shall leave his parents and he shall become one with his wife. In Romans 7:2-3, the Bible also says that a husband must not divorce his wife Vis a Vis.In hindsight, it can be seen that the idea of living together before marriage is a good one in current day and time (Rhoades, 2015). The dynamics of relationships are changing at a very rapid pace, with mass urbanization, the rise of feminism as a force at the global level are some of the few reasons that gender dynamics have changed. This change is one of the main reasons why people in relationships should live together before deciding to tie the knot. ConclusionIn conclusion, cohabitation or living together does not necessarily lead to divorce like most arguments say. I, therefore, support that people should live together before getting married.Works CitedBerrington, Ann, BriennaPerelli-Harris, and Paulina Trevenna. “Commitment and the changing sequence of cohabitation, childbearing and marriage: Insights from qualitative research in the UK. “ Demographic Research 33 (2015): 327.Bible. New International version. Grand Rapids: Zondervan House, 1984. Print.Boyce, Christopher J.,Alex M. Wood, and Eamon Ferguson. “For better of for worse: The moderating effects of personality on the marriage- life satisfaction link. “ Personality and individual differences 97 (2016):61-66.McNulty, James K., Carolyn A.Wenner, and Terri D. Fisher.”Longitudinal associations among relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and frequency of sex in early marriage.” Archives of sexual behavior 45.1 (2016):85-97.Rhoades, Galena K., et al. “Can marriage education mitigate the risks associated with premarital cohabitation?.” Journal of Family Psychology 29.3 (2015):500.

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Cohabitation Before Marriage Essay

Cohabitation in marriage is a situation where two people decide to live together before they are legally married. This situation is most prevalent commonly in young people who want to escape the pressures of everyday life. This arrangement has got its own merits and demerits. In most cases, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. This condition is not only applicable to young people but also to elder people who, in one way or the other, find themselves in a situation where they have to compromise. This situation has been compounded by the fact that we live in a society where moral values have become a thing of the past. Cohabiting before marriage is also called come we stay. Many people prefer this to legal marriage, but I beg to differ. (Kamp ,2003)

One of the many disadvantages of cohabiting is that in this condition, you are never sure of your partner’s next move. This is due to the fact that there is no binding bond between the two of you. In an ordinary marriage setting, the legal aspects of the marriage are well taken care of in such a way that if anything happened to one of the partners, then there would be no scenarios that would make the other partner miserable. There has been situations where when one partner dies there arise disputes about custody. This is more so, especially where the husband passes away without having left behind a legal document to prove that the woman he was living with was his rightful wife. (Stanley, 2004)

Another disadvantage for cohabiting is that you don’t feel that you have ownership of your partner. In many societies before marriage, you have to pay dowry. This makes you to be recognized by every side of the families unlike the come we stay scenario where in most cases no one knows that you are even staying together. In rare cases this has led to some cases where people have been known to be killed by their partners and legal action couldn’t be taken since no one knew that they were living together at the time. (Kamp ,2003)

There are many other disadvantages for cohabiting before marriage, but the other major one I would like to highlight is the cause of broken families. It’s a proven fact that many of this come we stay arrangements do not last. When a marriage breaks, it also leaves one heartbroken, and this is a cause of great misery and suffering. This has also led to the increase of single parents. This leaves one (especially the mother) on their own to bring up the children. This has impacted on our society negatively. Recent studies show that children brought up to single parents are more lawless than children from a functional family.( Cohan & Kleinbaum,2002)

The only advantage of cohabitation before marriage is that it gives you a chance to get to know your partner well before you get to make the lifetime devotion to stay with them. Many people have been known to break up amicably after realizing that they are better off living apart than being married. This can only be achieved if you live with someone over a time and learn them. (Bumpass & Lu,2000)

It’s only fair that people go for the right way of marriage since the merits outweigh the demerits. This will help bring order to our society when families become more functional. This will also cut down on the government’s expenditure in raising children in care centers whose parents parted ways after disagreeing.

List of References

Bumpass, L. L., & Lu, H. H. (2000). Trends in cohabitation and implications for children s family contexts in the United States. Population Studies , 54 , 29–41.

Cohan, C. L., & Kleinbaum, S. (2002). Toward a greater understanding of the cohabitation effect: Premarital cohabitation and marital communication. Journal of Marriage and Family , 64 , 180–192.

Kamp Dush, C. M., Cohan, C. L., & Amato, P. R. (2003). The relationship between cohabitation and marital quality and stability: Change across cohorts? Journal of Marriage and Family , 65 , 539–549.

Stanley, S. M., Whitton, S. W., & Markman, H. J. (2004). Maybe I do: Interpersonal commitment and premarital or nonmarital cohabitation . Journal of Family Issues , 25 , 496–519.

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Should You Live Together Before Marriage? Real Talk From Experts

Say hello to your new roomie.

But that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. As with most relationship issues, when it comes to deciding whether you should cohabitate before marriage, it all depends on the individuals involved. So to help you weigh the pros and cons, I chatted with two relationship experts. Here’s what to know.

Living together before marriage definitely comes with some advantages.

“Going from living on your own terms to sharing a place with someone can be simultaneously fun and extraordinarily challenging,” says Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., a sex and relationships expert in NYC. “Sharing a space can bring up a lot of issues and put your relationship to the test: You get a crash course in cooperation, negotiation, your ability to put someone's needs and tastes above or equal to your own. These are all relationship experiences that you should have prior to getting married.”

Megan Fleming, Ph.D., an NYC-based sex and relationship therapist, agrees, adding that living with someone and spending nearly 24/7 with them means you'll have a chance to really, truly see their priorities and values, as well as how those line up with yours . It’s like a practice run for what your everyday life might be like if you do decide to get married down the road.

Another important point it brings up: how you align on the topic of sex. “It gives you a sense of how attuned you are to each others’ sexual needs , in terms of both frequency and quality,” Fleming says. “Sex is a small part of a relationship when it’s going well. When it’s not going well, it’s a big part of a relationship.”

One study also shows that people who cohabitated with their S.O. self-reported higher physical and mental health than those who didn’t live with their lover (married couples also reported higher health) . So check off the box for cohabitors being happier with their bodies and mind, too.

What are the disadvantages of living together before marriage?

Levkoff doesn't list any major cons to cohabitating with your partner pre-marriage—she’s a big proponent. But Fleming mentions that marriage usually means more of a commitment than living together, which likely translates to people putting in more of an effort with that level of loyalty compared to simply sharing a shelter.

On the other hand, when you’re dating and you do start to intertwine your lives by moving in together, it’s more difficult to break it off if you need to, Fleming says. This could be one of the reasons research shows that although living with your partner before marriage leads to more success in the first year, down the line, it can actually increase the risk of divorce .

Researchers aren’t sure why this is, but Fleming says it could be that after you move in together, you may realize it’s too tough to cut ties, so you get married instead. Years later, you might decide it’s not for you and bam, divorce . So the key to avoiding divorce down the line could be figuring out your level of commitment to the relationship even before you share a front door.

Fleming also says this research could be outdated, particularly since it’s more acceptable nowadays to live with your partner before marriage than it was years ago (although the research was published in 2018, it's based on data from 1970 to 2015). So many factors play into these divorce rates, too—including age, religion, whether it’s your first marriage, whether you lived with someone before, and so on.

And to top off the confusion on the science, the research looks at the success of a marriage as simply staying together, when of course what really matters is happiness in the marriage , Fleming says.

“Statistics can be helpful in some ways, but really, you have to know yourself,” says Fleming. “Relationships are an effort, so you have to work at it,” whether you’re living together sans rings or married.

Is there anything else I should know before deciding to live with my partner?

Well, you might want to have a convo about why each of you wants to move in together, Levkoff says.

“ It's always important to know if you are on the same page ," she adds. "And if you are not, at least you can manage your own expectations accordingly."

Bring up the convo as soon as you feel ready and you’re up for the discussion. It doesn’t necessarily matter how long you’ve been together (though, LBH, month one seems a little early)—just as long as you feel ready to talk about it. You can also make it super-casual, asking things like, “Have you ever lived with someone?” or “Have you ever wanted to live with someone?” These Qs will at least start the discussion.

Keep in mind, you likely want to consider living together a true commitment—a pledge from both parties that you’re in this relationship and ready to work on it—rather than a convenience, says Fleming. In other words, don’t let your bank account drive your decision to cohabitate . “It’s more important to make your decision based on your partner, rather than rent,” Fleming says.

You might also want to chat about a few things before you sign that lease, like your individual expectations of a shared living space—things like who might need more alone time or privacy (say, if you’re an introvert and your partner is not), as well as cleanliness (a common source of tension).

The goal for these discussions: Figure out your non-negotiables—what you can deal with on the daily, and what might lead to a break up , says Fleming.

Ask yourself, “What do I want from my partner and my life?” And then talk to your partner about your answer to figure out if you envision your futures playing out similarly. “You want to help each other grow as a couple, but also as individuals,” Fleming adds. To do that, you need to devote more time and energy to making things work, rather than just moving in together on a whim and seeing how things go.

So, should you live together before marriage?

Ultimately, experts say you and your partner should just do you, because everyone is different.

Just remember: A shared roof may not take the place of a marriage license, says Levkoff. “Moving in shouldn't be a replacement for marriage, if marriage is what you want. It should be a stepping stone,” she explains. That means if someone is saying yes to living together just to put off marriage talks, that doesn’t necessarily bode well for the future. So talk about it.

Moving in with someone, especially if you both have hopes of getting married, is all about blending your lives and bringing together things you both enjoy—creating a “couple identity,” as Levkoff says. So just make sure everyone is on the same page about what the next step means, before you sign the housing papers .

Mallory Creveling, an ACE-certified personal trainer and RRCA-certified run coach, joined the Runner's World and Bicycling team in August 2021. She has more than a decade of experience covering fitness, health, and nutrition. As a freelance writer, her work appeared in Women's Health, Self, Men's Journal, Reader's Digest, and more. She has also held staff editorial positions at Family Circle and Shape magazines, as well as DailyBurn.com . A former New Yorker/Brooklynite, she's now based in Easton, PA.

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Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage

Table of contents, the case for living together before marriage, concerns and counterarguments, alternative approaches: pre-marital counseling, striking a balance.

• Booth, A., Johnson, D. R., White, L. K., & Edwards, J. N. (1985). Divorce and Marital Instability over the Life Course. Journal of Family Issues, 6(4), 451-482.
• Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2010). Should I stay or should I go? Predicting dating relationship stability from four aspects of commitment. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(5), 543-550.
• Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499-509.
• Wallerstein, J. S., & Lewis, J. M. (2004). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. Hyperion.
• Whitehead, B. D., & Popenoe, D. (2002). Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage. National Marriage Project.

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Living Together Before Marriage

Here's what to consider before moving in together

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

Verywell / Theresa Chiechi

• Reasons Couples Live Together
• Factors to Consider
• Potential Effects
• Pros and Cons

Living together before marriage was once considered taboo; however, it has become more common and accepted over time. If you’ve been seeing your partner and things are going well, moving in together may cross your mind.

Moving in with your partner is a significant step because it marks a major progression in the relationship, says Sabrina Romanoff , PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.

At a Glance

Living together before marriage is common for many couples, but there are important pros and cons to consider. Cohabitating can help you get to know one another more and figure out if you are truly compatible, but moving in together for the wrong reasons can lead to bigger problems down the road. Keep reading to learn more about some factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage and some potential advantages and disadvantages of this arrangement.

Reasons for Living Together Before Marriage

There are a variety of reasons why people opt to live together before they decide to make a long-term commitment. Research has found that the primary reasons couples choose to live together are to spend more time together, to share expenses, and to evaluate their compatibility.

For many couples, it's a great way to see if they are truly compatible before deciding if marriage is the right choice for them. Co-habitating offers many insights into a person's habits, personality, and behavior. Sharing a space allows couples to truly get to know one another in a way that they might not if they lived separately.

But cohabitation isn't just about playing house or deepening the relationship—it's an economic necessity for many people. High living expenses mean that many adults must have one or more roommates to split expenses. For many, it makes sense to take that step with the person they are dating.

Research has found that around half of cohabitating couples end up separating. Economic factors appear to play a deciding role in whether couples who live together end up walking down the aisle. Simply put, wealthier couples are more like to wed.  

Living together before marriage may help you save money as a couple, offering greater financial stability and increasing your shared resources. While it might not be particularly romantic, research suggests that this factor alone may increase the likelihood of marriage.

However, moving in together because of economic pressure might mean that neither of you is as committed to the relationship as you might be if you take this step based on desire.

Factors to Consider Before Living Together

Below, Romanoff lists some of the factors to consider while deciding whether to live with your partner before marriage.

Your Reasons for Wanting to Live Together

The first factor to consider is your motivation for moving in with your partner. Partners who move in out of financial convenience or to test their relationship may be less satisfied with their decision in the long run and in turn, may not end up getting married.

This is in contrast to couples who decide to move in together out of their genuine desire to spend more time together and deliberately fuse their lives. You should want to learn more about your partner and progress your relationship.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Remember the importance of choosing your partner because you want to be with them, and don’t let your decisions be made out of fear or convenience.

Your Age and Stage of Life

Age and stage of life are other important considerations. It can be helpful to give each other space to live alone or with friends before taking this step, so that each partner is able to experience a range of independent and peer living situations before committing to living with each other.

Once people have experienced these varied living arrangements, they tend to appreciate their partners and don’t feel as if they are missing out on experiences their peers are having.

Your Conversations With Your Partner

It’s important to make the deliberate decision to move in together instead of casually easing into cohabitation. Sliding into cohabitation can be risky because it bypasses important decisions and conversations that will cause more problems down the road.

For instance, you may slowly start to spend more time at one of your homes and think it makes sense to move in together out of convenience or financial incentive. You may then consider marriage because you’ve lived together for so long, already invested so much time into your partner, and think you might not be able to find someone else at this point in your life.

Instead, it is important to consciously decide to move in together and have conversations with your partner about financial arrangements, who will be responsible for maintaining what, and how space will be allocated to incorporate both people’s values and beliefs.

Implications of Living Together Before Marriage

Moving in with your partner can have significant implications for your relationship. Romanoff outlines some of these below.

Increased Commitment

Before you move in, there are more opportunities for refuge. If you have a fight, are annoyed, or are frustrated with each other, you can always return to your own space .

Moving in means committing to the good and bad in each other and in your relationship. You each are committing to show up and stay together on the good as well as the bad days.

Increased Investment

Moving in together means that you are investing in the relationship in a more substantial way. The next progressive step after moving in is usually a more formal commitment like marriage or alternatively, if things do not work out, a breakup.

Breakups after moving in together are significantly more complicated because you must separate your lives, which tend to become blended in elaborate ways.

Increased Trust

Living together also means that you’re pledging to show each other the parts of yourself that may have remained hidden up until this part of your relationship. You risk vulnerability and exposing all of your little rituals or quirky habits.

You have to trust your partner and make this commitment with the confidence that your relationship will not only survive but will become stronger after knowing these parts of each other.

Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

Romanoff shares some of the advantages and disadvantages that people commonly experience when they decide to live together before marriage.

You get to know each other better

It can deepen your relationship

It can be a sign of commitment

Feel more confident in your decision to get married

May decrease commitment to marriage

Can lead to staying together even if you're not compatible

You might feel you wasted your time if you break up

It may be harder to move on after a break up

Advantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The advantage of living together before marriage is the opportunity to learn how you would navigate a life together without the internal and external pressure that comes with marriage.

For many, marriage signifies a commitment that cannot be easily undone. The weight of that commitment, especially from family members or friends, can skew problems or conflicts that may arise in a relationship.

Living together may also help boost health and well-being. Research has long shown that marriage provides many health benefits, and evidence also suggests that living together can confer many of these same benefits.

The benefit of living together pre-marriage is that you can learn more about each other, strengthen your joint ability to problem-solve , and reinforce your relationship and ability to navigate stressors , which can instill more confidence in your decision to get married .

Disadvantages of Living Together Before Marriage

The downside of living together before marriage relates to the tendency for some couples to make less of a commitment to each other or feel less content with their arrangement.

Individuals who decide to cohabitate may have different expectations than their partners about the move. It can lead to challenges if one partner has more unconventional ideas about marriage and might grow complacent in this arrangement, whereas the other partner might expect marriage to follow this step.

It is important to consider the meaning of the move to each partner, especially if this move is motivated as a way to postpone making a commitment for one partner. And that meaning should be communicated to and by each partner as well.

Additionally, standards for cohabitating with a partner are usually lower than standards people have for marriage, which could cause some people to regret the time and energy spent on cohabitating if it does not ultimately lead to marriage.

Keep in Mind

If you and your partner have been going steady and you’re starting to think about living together before marriage, you should be sure of your motivations before you move in. You should genuinely want to spend more time with your partner and learn more about them while being open to exposing yourself to them.

It’s also important to discuss finances , responsibilities, expectations for the future, and other important aspects of your relationship with your partner before you move in so you’re both on the same page before you make this commitment.

Pew Research Center’s Social and Demographic Trends Project. Views on marriage and cohabitation in the U.S .

Huang PM, Smock PJ, Manning WD, Bergstrom-Lynch CA. He says, she says: Gender and cohabitation .  J Fam Issues . 2011;32(7):876-905. doi:10.1177/0192513X10397601

Ishizuka P. The economic foundations of cohabiting couples’ union transitions . Demography . 2018;55(2):535-557. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0651-1

Perelli-Harris B, Hoherz S, Addo F, et al. Do marriage and cohabitation provide benefits to health in mid-life? The role of childhood selection mechanisms and partnership characteristics across countries .  Popul Res Policy Rev . 2018;37(5):703-728. doi:10.1007/s11113-018-9467-3

By Sanjana Gupta Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.

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What Living Together Before Marriage Really Means for Your Relationship

Ultimately, it's less about co-existing and more about finances.

PHOTO BY SARA LOBLA

Once upon a time, living with your significant other before getting married was extremely taboo. Nowadays, however, it seems that it's taboo if a couple doesn't live together before walking down the aisle. According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, between 1965 and 1974, only 11 percent of women lived with their partner before their first marriage. Between 2010 and 2013, that number rose to 69 percent of women. For many people, shacking up is one way to find out if you and your partner can co-exist in a shared space and have a relationship that will last a lifetime.

Of course, it’s not for everyone, and not every couple who chooses to co-sign on an apartment lease before they co-sign on a marriage license will actually make it to the altar. The question is, why? Patrick Ishizuka, a postdoctoral fellow at the Cornell Population Center, explored the topic through an economic lens in his study.

Meet the Expert

Patrick Ishizuka received his Ph.D. in sociology and social policy from Princeton University in 2016 and was a postdoctoral fellow at the Cornell Population Center until 2019. He is currently an assistant sociology professor at Washington University in St. Louis whose research focuses on work, family, and social inequality.

To understand how cohabitation influences relationships, money, and work , Ishizuka looked at data gathered from thousands of households between the years 1996–2013. Among his sample, slightly more than half of couples who lived together and experienced some kind of relationship transition ended up breaking it off : 1,121 couples dissolved, while 1,104 went on to get married. In fact, the odds of moving on to marriage declined by 28 percent between 1996 to 2008.

When you consider all the benefits associated with marriage, it’s not unreasonable to think cohabitation might have similar perks—after all, the biggest tangible difference between marriage and cohabitation is a sheet of paper. But, Ishizuka writes, according to past research, the relationships of couples who live together before marriage are generally characterized by “relatively short durations and high levels of instability.” Studies have shown that the average time frame of these unions is less than two years, with only 40 percent ending in marriage.

Interestingly, Ishizuka’s study went on to show that marriage is increasingly becoming a numbers game, and that “wealth independently predicts marriage, with couples that own a home and receive interest from financial assets being more likely to marry.” In other words, the more money you make, the more likely you are to get married, especially if you and your partner make about the same. Alternatively, couples who aren’t as well off are more likely to separate .

The study’s results may be a bit depressing, but Ishizuka’s findings do offer one glimmer of hope for those who are a little economically disadvantaged: Cohabiters tend to have more egalitarian views about economic gender roles than married couples. He puts to rest that tired theory that couples in which the woman earns more than her male partner—also known as the “male breadwinner perspective”—are more likely to break up before marriage because of the man’s fragile ego.

Equality appears to promote stability.

“ Equality appears to promote stability,” Ishizuka said in a statement . In fact, he continued, it’s what may actually “hold these couples together .”

Cohabitation is a great way to test-run a relationship before fully committing to marriage (if that's your end goal ). It creates an environment where couples can really get to know each other while learning how they function as a unit that shares both a living space and a life together.

The concept of living together before marriage was once considered extremely controversial due to implications of religious morality . While it varies by religion, cohabitation itself is not explicitly called out as a sin. However, its susceptibility to premarital sex is what's often frowned upon.

Premarital cohabitation is considered a factor in the decrease in divorce rates. Living together before marriage enables couples to vet one another's compatibility before walking down the aisle and parting ways if they're not a match. This reduces the chances of separation after.

The requirements for a relationship to be considered a common law marriage vary widely by state, with many states no longer recognizing them at all. Check your state's criteria for eligibility to be sure.

Couples that live together before marriage do not have the same protections as spouses in a separation. If joint purchases were made during the relationship, it usually falls on the couple to divide the assets equally. Creating a cohabitation agreement at the start of the relationship can help iron out the details if such a situation were to arise.

National Center for Family and Marriage Research. " Twenty-five Years of Change in Cohabitation in the U.S, 1987 - 2013 ."

Ishizuka P. The Economic Foundations of Cohabiting Couples' Union Transitions . Demography . 2018 Apr;55(2):535-557. doi:10.1007/s13524-018-0651-1

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5 Pros and Cons of Living Together Before Marriage

With a rich background in Counseling Psychology and Pedagogy, I am a licensed psychologist and certified coach dedicated to empowering individuals on their journey to a fulfilling... Read More

Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships. She encourages making room for love and facing challenges together.

In This Article

Today, couples deciding on living together before marriage are no longer a surprise unlike before.

After a few months of dating, most couples would rather test the waters and move in together. Some have other reasons they choose to start living with someone before marriage.

Certified coach Silvana Mici says,

Living together allows partners to gain insights into each other’s habits, routines, and lifestyle preferences. This can help assess compatibility and identify potential areas of conflict before committing to marriage. On the other hand, living together may create societal or familial pressure to get married, which can strain the relationship. The external expectation of marriage may influence the couple’s decisions and add stress to the relationship.

In this article, we’ll explore cohabitation pros and cons, and how you can prepare if you decide to move in with your partner.

What is meant by living together/cohabitation?

The definition of cohabitation or living together cannot be found in legal books. However, living together as a couple means an arrangement the couple makes to live together. Cohabitation involves more than sharing just the accommodation.

There is no clarity in legal terms as there is for marriage. Cohabitation usually is agreed upon when the couple shares an intimate relationship.

Living together before marriage– A safer option?

Today, most people are practical, and more and more people are opting to move in with their partners rather than plan a wedding and be together. Some couples who decide to move in together don’t even consider getting married yet.

Here are some of the reasons why couples move in together: 

1. It’s more practical

A couple may come to an age where moving in together before marriage makes more sense than paying twice for rent. It’s being with your partner and saving money simultaneously — practical. 

2. The couple can get to know each other better

Some couples think it’s time to step a notch in their relationship and move in together. It’s preparing for their long-term relationship. This way, they get to know more about each other before they choose to get married. Safe play. 

3. It’s a good option for people who don’t believe in marriage

Moving in with your partner because you or your lover doesn’t believe in marriage. Some people think that marriage is only for formality, and there’s no reason for it other than giving you a hard time if they call it quits. 

4. The couple won’t have to go through a messy divorce if they break up

Divorce rates are high , and we’ve seen the harsh reality of it. Some couples who know this first hand, whether with their family members or even from a past relationship, will no longer believe in marriage. 

For these people, divorce is such a traumatic experience that even if they can love again, considering marriage is no longer an option.

5. Build a stronger relationship

Another reason couples choose cohabitation before marriage is to help them strengthen their bond. Some couples believe you’ll only get to know your partner when you start living together. 

By living together, they can spend more time together and build a stronger foundation for their relationship.

This opportunity also gives them the time and opportunity to share experiences, daily routines, and practices, be able to take care of each other and spend their lives as a couple. They would also learn how to deal with issues and even misunderstandings.

5 pros and cons of living together before marriage

Is living together before marriage a good idea? Do you know what you and your partner are getting yourselves into?

We need to know the marriage vs. living together pros and cons so that we can weigh in if we should do it or not. Are you ready to know whether you should live together before marriage?

Let’s dig deeper into the pros and cons of choosing to live with your partner.

There are many living together before marriage pros. 

Check out the benefits of living together before marriage or the reasons why living together before marriage is a good idea:

1. Moving in together is a wise decision — financially

You get to share everything, such as paying the mortgage, splitting your bills, and even having time to save if you ever want to tie the knot anytime soon. If marriage is not part of your plans just yet— you will have extra money to do what you like. 

2. Division of chores

Chores are no longer being taken care of by one person. Moving in together means you get to share household chores . Everything is shared, so there is hopefully less stress and more time to rest.

3. It’s like a playhouse

You get to try what it’s like living as a married couple without the papers. 

This way, if things don’t work out, just leave, and that’s it. This has become an appealing decision for most people nowadays. No one wants to spend thousands of dollars and deal with counseling and hearings just to get out of the relationship. 

4. Test the strength of your relationship

The ultimate test in living together is to check if you’re going to work out or not. Being in love with a person is different than living with them. 

It’s a whole new thing when you have to live with them and be able to see their habits if they are messy in the house, if they will do their chores or not. It’s basically living with the reality of having a partner.

5. It lessens marriage stress

What Is Marriage stress and why does it belong to the benefits of living together before marriage?

When you prepare for your marriage, you must worry about many things. It would help if you planned moving into another home, changing habits and how you budget, and so much more.

If you are already living together, then it’s one of the advantages living together before marriage can give you. You are already acquainted with a married couple’s setup, so it lessens the stress.

While living together before marriage may seem appealing, there are also some not-so-good areas to consider.

So, should couples live together before marriage? Remember, every couple is different.

While there are benefits, there are also consequences depending on the kind of relationship that you’re in. There will be times when you’d contemplate the reasons why living together before marriage is a bad idea. Know below this is a bad idea:

1. The reality of finances isn’t as rosy as you expected

Expectations hurt, especially when you think about having shared bills and chores. Even if you choose to live together to be more financially practical, you might get into a bigger headache when you find yourself with a partner who thinks you’ll shoulder all the finances. 

2. Getting married doesn’t remain as significant

Couples who move in together are less likely to decide to get married. Some have kids and have no time to settle into marriage or become so comfortable that they’d think they no longer need a paper to prove they are working out as a couple. 

3. Live-in couples don’t work as hard to save their relationship

An easy way out, this is the most common reason why people living together do get separated over time. They will no longer work hard to save their relationship because they are not bonded by marriage. 

4. False commitment

False commitment is one term to use with people who would rather choose to live together for good rather than tie the knot. Before you start a relationship, you need to know the meaning of real commitment, and part of this is getting married.

5. Live-in couples are not entitled to the same legal rights

One disadvantage of living together before marriage is that when you’re not married, you don’t have some of the rights a married person has, especially when dealing with certain laws.

Now that you know the pros and cons of living together before marriage, would you decide to do it or wait until you’re married? 

5 ways to know you are ready for marriage after living together

You’ve lived together for a couple of months, or maybe a few years, and you know that living together before marriage worked out for you. The next phase is asking yourself, “ Are we ready to get married ?”

Here are five ways to know you’re ready to tie the knot.

1. You trust and respect each other

Indeed, living together will teach you how to trust and respect each other. You learn how to work as a team, solve problems, and show your vulnerability to your partner.

Like when you are married, you learn how to rely on and help each other through the good and bad times. Even without the legalities, most couples who live together treat each other as spouses.

You will also experience trials that will test your love, trust, and respect for each other. If you surpass these challenges and feel like your bond strengthens, that’s a good sign.

2. You love living together

One of the benefits of cohabitation before marriage is that you’ve had a taste of what it would be like to live under one roof. You have their habits, know if they snore, and maybe even have petty fights about these.

No matter how chaotic your few months together are and how much you’ve adjusted, thinking about living together permanently puts a smile on your face.

If you enjoy waking up with your partner each day, and can’t imagine anything else, then you’re ready to tie the knot.

3. You feel excited about starting your own family

Have you been living together before marriage? Do people often tell you that you’re perfect and you just need to tie the knot?

If you talk about marriage and kids, you feel excited. Sometimes, even without realizing it, you plan to have kids and build your own family.

You have fulfilled your honeymoon bucket list, spent so much time together, and you are in the phase where you want to make it formal and have kids as well. You’re ready to have those sleepless nights and messy but beautiful homes with kids. 

4. You feel that you’re all set to move forward

After a couple of months of living together, have you talked about marriage, buying a home, investments, and getting different insurance to excite you?

Well, congratulations, you are all set to move forward together. You will know when the right time is, it’s when your goals change. From date nights to future homes and cars, these mean that you’re both ready to move forward.

Living together before marriage gives you that chance to experience and realize these even before saying, “ I do .”

5. You know you’ve found the one

Sure, there are also many disadvantages of living together before marriage, but one thing that makes living together great is that you’ll be able to see if you’re meant for each other.

All those trials, happy memories, and growth you’ve experienced while living together have made both of you sure about your decision. You know you want to spend your whole life with this person .

Marriage will just be legality, but you know you are already meant for each other.

5 ways to prepare for living together before marriage

Many will tell you why couples should not live together before marriage, but again, this is your choice, and as long as you are prepared, you can choose to live together even if you’re not married yet.

Speaking of preparedness, how do you prepare for this? Here are five ways that can help you prepare to live together as a couple:

1. Go and set rules

Living together before marriage is not a game. You are both grown-ups that choose to live together under one roof. This means it’s just right that you create rules.

Create rules that will work for both of you. Take time and discuss each one; better if you could write them on paper.

Include dividing chores, how many appliances you can have, where you need to spend your holidays and even your pet peeves inside the home.

Of course, this is when you will also discover habits that may not make you happy. This is also the time to talk about that and start agreeing on your terms.

2. Talk and be clear with your goals

Don’t be shy to add this topic when discussing living together before marriage. Remember, this is your life.

Talk about what you expect when moving in together. Is this to live like a married couple? Maybe you just want to save money and it’s more convenient? It’s better to be clear about expectations and goals to avoid misunderstanding .

3. Inform your family

Don’t forget to inform your families about your decision to cohabitate. They have a right to know that their family member is making a huge life decision.

Also, you’ll have to talk and be with them at some point. It would be a great thing if they would both support you in your decision. This also reduces the risk of any issues arising from keeping your decision secret.

There’s nothing wrong with living together, but it’s just right that you inform the people closest to you as a form of respect.

4. Budget together

Expert marriage counseling advice always recommends discussing your finances before moving in together. This will be a very important aspect of your life as a couple.

This would include, but would not be limited to your monthly budget, financial allocation, savings, emergency funds, debts, and so much more.

By discussing your finances beforehand, you prevent money issues from arising. This will also help you work things out, especially if one earns more than the other.

5. Communicate

Here is one of the most important foundations of lasting relationships – communication. Make sure that before you decide on living together, you already have firm and open communication .

It won’t work out if you don’t. Communication is crucial in any relationship, especially when planning to move in and live together.

Everything we have discussed boils down to open and honest communication with your partner.

Terri Cole, a licensed psychotherapist and leading global expert in female empowerment, tackles defensiveness and the inability to communicate. 

Some commonly asked questions

Living together before getting married can raise many questions in your mind. Here are the answers to some such questions: 

What percentage of couples break up after moving in together?

According to recent studies, 40 – 50% of couples who opted to live together before marriage had difficulties or issues they couldn’t resolve. These couples parted ways after living together for a few months.

However, let it be clear that every situation is different. It still depends on how you and your partner would work on your relationship. Ultimately, it’s still up to both of you if you will work on your differences or give up.

How long should couples wait to move in together?

You get excited about everything involving your partner when you are in love. This is also the case with moving in together.

While it may sound like the perfect idea, don’t rush living together before marriage, it’s better if the two of you will at least give yourselves ample time to get ready.

Enjoy dating for a year or two, get to know each other first, and when you feel like you’re both ready, you can talk about living together.

Does living together before marriage lead to divorce?

Choosing to live together before getting married may decrease the chances of divorce.

This is because living together allows you and your partner to check your compatibility, how you handle challenges as a couple, and how you build your relationship before getting married.

Since you already know these factors before getting married, the fewer chances of it being one reason for divorce. This will, of course, depend on the couple and their unique situation.

Final takeaway

Being in a relationship isn’t easy, and with all the issues that can arise, some would just test it out rather than jump into marriage. There is no guarantee that choosing to live together before you get married will guarantee a successful union or a perfect marriage after that.

Coach Mici adds,

Living together offers an opportunity for continuous conversation. Use this time to learn about each other, share your needs, and practice the art of listening. Effective communication is the cornerstone of a successful relationship, whether living together or married.

Whether you test your relationship for years before getting married or have chosen marriage over living together, the quality of your marriage will still depend on both of you. It takes two people to achieve a successful partnership in life. Both people in the relationship should compromise , respect, be responsible, and love each other for their union to succeed.

No matter how open-minded our society is today, no couple should disregard how important marriage is. There’s no problem in living together before marriage. Some of the reasons behind this decision are rather practical and true. However, every couple should still consider getting married soon.

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Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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Key findings on marriage and cohabitation in the u.s..

Here are seven key findings from the report:

Looking at present relationships, 53% of adults ages 18 and older are currently married, down from 58% in 1995, according to data from the Current Population Survey. Over the same period, the share of Americans who are living with an unmarried partner has risen from 3% to 7%.

2 Most Americans (69%) say cohabitation is acceptable even if a couple doesn’t plan to get married. Another 16% say it’s acceptable, but only if the couple plans to marry, and 14% say it’s never acceptable for an unmarried couple to live together.

While most Americans say cohabitation is acceptable, many see societal benefits in marriage. A narrow majority of Americans (53%) say that society is better off if couples who want to stay together long-term eventually get married, while 46% say society is just as well off if they decide not to marry.

Married adults are also more likely than those who are cohabiting to say they have a great deal of trust in their spouse or partner to be faithful to them, act in their best interest, always tell them the truth and handle money responsibly.

The link between marriage (vs. cohabitation) and higher levels of relationship satisfaction and trust remains even after controlling for demographic differences between married and cohabiting adults (such as gender, age, race, religious affiliation and educational attainment).

4 Many cohabiting adults see living together as a step toward marriage. About two-thirds of married adults (66%) who lived with their spouse before they were married (and who were not yet engaged when they moved in together) say they saw cohabitation as a step toward marriage. Among cohabiting adults who were not engaged when they moved in with their partner, 44% say they saw living together as a step toward marriage.

When U.S. adults are asked about the impact that living together first might have on the success of a couple’s marriage, roughly half (48%) say that, compared with couples who don’t live together before marriage, couples who do live together first have a better chance of having a successful marriage. Another 13% say they have a worse chance and 38% say it doesn’t make much difference. Younger adults are particularly likely to see cohabitation as a path to a successful marriage: 63% of adults younger than 30 say couples who live together before marriage have a better chance at a successful marriage, compared with 52% of those ages 30 to 49, 42% of those 50 to 64 and 37% of those 65 and older.

Among both married and cohabiting adults, love and companionship top the list of reasons why they decided to get married or to move in with their partner. Nine-in-ten married adults and 73% of cohabiting adults say love was a major factor in their decision. About two-thirds of married adults and 61% of cohabiting adults cite companionship as a major factor.

Cohabiting women are more likely than cohabiting men to say love and wanting to have children someday were major reasons why they moved in with their partner. For example, 80% of cohabiting women cite love as a major factor, compared with 63% of cohabiting men. No gender differences are evident on this question among married adults.

Roughly four-in-ten (44%) say not being far enough along in their job or career is at least a minor reason why they’re not engaged or married to their partner. Cohabiters who are not engaged but want to get married someday are more likely to cite their partner not being ready (26%), rather than themselves (14%), as a major reason they’re not engaged or married.

7 Most Americans favor allowing unmarried couples to have the same legal rights as married couples. Roughly two-thirds of adults (65%) say they favor allowing unmarried couples to enter into legal agreements that would give them the same rights as married couples when it comes to things like health insurance, inheritance or tax benefits, while 34% oppose this.

Note: See full topline results and methodology .

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About Pew Research Center Pew Research Center is a nonpartisan fact tank that informs the public about the issues, attitudes and trends shaping the world. It conducts public opinion polling, demographic research, media content analysis and other empirical social science research. Pew Research Center does not take policy positions. It is a subsidiary of The Pew Charitable Trusts .