essay on trust issues

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What’s the truth about trust, a new book says that trustworthiness is a moving target, dependent on our moods, circumstances, and competing needs..

Trust permeates every part of our lives. We trust cars to stop when the light turns red; we trust grocers to provide produce that is safe to eat; we trust our spouses to pick up the kids when they say they will. Trust is the shortcut that helps us function in a complex modern society.

But trust the wrong person and you may be taken for a ride. So how can we both trust when it’s beneficial to do so, yet remain vigilant toward those who might betray us? And why trust at all if we could get burned?

In his new book, The Truth About Trust , David DeSteno helps answer those questions and more. DeSteno, a psychologist at Northeastern University, explains that while trust is the social glue that allows us to do more together than we could ever do alone, trustworthiness is a moving target, dependent on our moods, circumstances, and competing needs. We make daily choices—often subconscious—about whether or not to act in a trustworthy manner.

According to DeSteno, we tend to trust those who demonstrate both integrity and competence. But, because we often need to determine this on a moment’s notice, we’ve developed shortcuts for deciding when to trust. The vagus nerve—a nerve that runs through our central nervous system connecting our brains to several vital organs—responds below our conscious awareness to cues in our environment and will either calm our heart to produce more trusting behavior or excite our heart to increase distrust. Often these “gut responses” are fairly accurate, allowing us to make quick decisions regarding trust.

But these gut feelings are subject to manipulation, too. For example, DeSteno has found that inducing people to feel gratitude prior to having them play an economics game increased their level of trust and cooperation in the game, even toward people they’d never met. In addition, participants who had to complete a highly stressful public speaking task prior to playing the game increased their rate of cooperation by about 50 percent. Understanding influences like these, argues DeSteno, is important for managing trust in our lives.

There are also many misunderstandings about how trust works, and DeSteno tries to set the record straight. Contrary to popular belief, people cannot look at someone’s face and determine if they are lying or not, he writes. In addition, while many of us want to think of trustworthiness as a fixed state—with people and institutions being “trustworthy” or not—research has found that our trustworthiness is malleable, dependent on our mood state and the circumstances that surround us.

According to DeSteno, whether or not we act with integrity involves a kind of calculus inside of our heads, where “decisions to be trustworthy derive from conscious and non-conscious calculations weighing the trade-offs of short-term and long-term gains.”

More on Trust

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Learn about the life stages of trust .

How trusting is America? Not very .

It’s a bit like the fable of the ant and the grasshopper, he writes, where the hard-working ant who plans for a rainy day wins out over the lazy grasshopper. While we may choose the untrustworthy route if we think we can get away with it or little harm will be done, being trustworthy often produces benefits in the long run.

Perhaps this is why trust plays such an important role in so many social interactions. Research shows that children learn better when they have a teacher that is competent and whom they can trust to give them the right information and support them along the way. Even very young preschoolers have been shown to be able to assess the reliability of a teacher and will seek the one they think they can trust over the one they are more familiar with. Those kids are learning a skill they’ll need in the “real” world: trust is necessary in business transactions—and so is the ability to detect a cheater.

This gets at one of the main lessons of DeSteno’s book: We all want to know how best to determine when it’s good to trust and when we need to be more diligent—but, unfortunately, a person’s trustworthiness can’t be reliably predicted from past actions. A reputation built on trust is not a perfect predictor of future trustworthy behavior, writes DeSteno, though it can act as an imperfect guide.

A better predictor is our own subconscious evaluations. According to DeSteno’s research, people can pick out who is less trustworthy by certain “tells” for untrustworthiness—folding arms across one’s chest, leaning back, touching one’s face, or touching one’s hands. In addition, he has found that people who believe they hold more power in a situation—i.e. have more economic wealth—will feel less in need of others’ trust and will act less trustworthy. In one intriguing experiment, researchers observed a busy city intersection and found that cars typically belonging to the wealthy class—like BMW’s—were 50 percent less likely to wait for a pedestrian to cross the road before going through the intersection than cars typically belonging to the less wealthy.

Clues to trustworthiness like these are not useful online, however, which makes the online world particularly difficult for negotiating trust. Also, they are not so helpful for evaluating whether or not you can trust yourself to resist future temptations, such as foregoing dessert when you’ve pledged to diet or resisting an extramarital affair. DeSteno argues that the ability to trust oneself to act with integrity is impacted by many of the same forces that shape trust in others, and can be waylaid by our inability to predict how we will feel in the future and by our tendency to rationalize behavior from the past.

All in all, DeSteno’s book is a bit depressing. His main argument seems to be that trust is fraught with potential minefields, and that we can’t rely on ourselves to know when it’s best to trust and when it’s not.

However, armed with more knowledge, we can at least try to understand our biases and make better choices when faced with trust issues. And, as DeSteno writes, the default option should be to trust and to be trustworthy. Research has found that, like the ant in the fable, we are more likely to be rewarded than not in the long run if we do so.

About the Author

Jill Suttie

Jill Suttie, Psy.D. , is Greater Good ’s former book review editor and now serves as a staff writer and contributing editor for the magazine. She received her doctorate of psychology from the University of San Francisco in 1998 and was a psychologist in private practice before coming to Greater Good .

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On Humans: Grappling with the Intersection of Nature, Work + Technology

About Trust, Part One – A Forever Work in Progress

By Mark Abbott

As I wrote about in my prior essay “ About Humans 101 ,” the trust thing has been an issue for humans for tens of thousands of years and, while I didn’t write about this specifically, I’m pretty sure research will corroborate the idea that trust has been an issue with living creatures for millions of years. Even the Dickinsonia, a prehistoric animal that researchers say lived 558 million years ago and could grow to more than four feet in length, had to deal with trust on some level.

How Important is Trust?

There’s tons of research supporting the notion we’re social creatures and, I’ll submit it’s pretty hard to be social without trust. If you’ll grant me we’re social creatures, trust is probably the most valuable asset we hold as a person, a group, a tribe, a company, a community, a state, a nation. Trust is… “almost everything.”

I’d be shocked if less than 90% (I’m fond of the number 90) of the readers of this essay don’t believe we live in a world with major trust issues. That said, I suspect we, especially leaders, may not get this as deeply as we need to (it’s all the other group’s fault, right?). I’m also pretty sure that The Age of Information (what I refer to as “Work 7.0” in my upcoming book, Work 9.0) has made it easier for us to more clearly see ourselves through our trust lenses (we’ll get into these in detail in Part Two) and the reason we have so much social discord is we just don’t like what we see.

Generally speaking, most of us aren’t big fans of lying, cheating, hypocrisy, double standards, hoarding, disinformation, misdirection, bad behaviors and people / groups acting in bad faith — especially when done by those we think of as “other tribes.”

We no longer collectively trust the institutions we have relied on for so long. As an example, in the United States, many don’t trust our:

• Federal government
• State governments
• Local governments
• Universities
• Big corporations
• Other traditional sources of information
• Institutional religions, and
• Global organizations, like the World Health Organization and / or the United Nations.

You may be biased toward a member or a defender of one or more of these groups, but hopefully you’ll grant me that millions of people have trust issues with every single one of them. Ugh, right? If you want some proof check out some of these recent Gallup surveys:

“Americans Remain Distrustful of Mass Media”

“U.S. Satisfaction Sinks with Many Aspects of Public Life”

“U.S. Satisfaction at 11% in Early January”

Fact is, we’ve got a huge trust issue and we’re ignoring it. It’s almost as if we are in ancient Roman times and the powers that be (left, right and center) are saying, “We know we have big issues but let’s just hold a series of games and distract the people, the masses, from our realities.” It’s bizarre if you stand way back and look at it.

An Optimistic Light Shines Ahead

All this being said, I’m very optimistic longer term. We know what trust is. Making it easier to see, understand, measure and build is the primary objective of this series of essays.

We also know each of us can make a difference . We can push for higher standards. We can start to reverse this trend by working on ourselves and leading by example. We can start by embracing our “better angels.” We can start by acknowledging our own faults, and approach reversing this challenge with humility and grace.

We can start by acknowledging our own faults and approach reversing this challenge with humility and grace.

We can start by endeavoring to be a better and better version of ourselves . We can start by doing the right thing — not just for us but for our family, our company, our local community, our state, our nation, our world.

We can start by engaging in good faith . We can start by only making promises we genuinely intend to keep. We can start by admitting what it is we can do or don’t have the capacity to do. We can start by acknowledging our own challenges, our circumstances, our weaknesses and being more accepting those of our “others.” We can start by admitting our mistakes and acknowledging our shortcomings.

We can start by recognizing that reversing this trend will require hard work and hard Work , and patience and perseverance. We can start by accepting every one of us is imperfect and evolving. Not just the understanding that every one of us is an imperfect and evolving being, but accepting the fact that so, too, is every family, every tribe, every community, every company, every region, every country.

We can start by accepting every one of us is a bit of a mess, while at the same time appreciating how wonderful life truly can and should be, and how we are all in this together.

We can start conversations with our friends and families and within our own groups, our companies, our local communities, etc. and start to reverse this trend one person, one family, one team, one group, one community, one company, one state, one nation at a time.

The vast, vast majority of us are good people (research suggests less than 5% of us are socio- or psychopaths — not that all of them are what most people would deem bad people). We can start by respecting one another. We can start by genuinely helping and providing FeedForward (what Michael Allosso refers to as being truthful, specific and positive) to one another so we all have a decent shot at becoming better and better versions of the best versions of ourselves.

• We have the insights, the tools, the competencies, the resources, the values and the disciplines required to reverse this trend and move through this time to a better tomorrow.

Those of us who live in the United States are blessed to have a large number of sister nations that are, like our own, political systems designed to avoid the worst outcome (i.e., the loss of our unalienable rights, as mentioned in “Being Human: 101”). The road ahead is tough. It will require hard Work and sacrifice. But we will move through this.

A final comment as I conclude Part One…

This is the hardest series of essays I’ve ever written. This series on Trust will never be finished. I’m certain I will come back time and again and refine each essay. I may even change core thoughts or points. That’s why I’ve added the words “a forever work in progress” to the title of this essay series. The reality is not only is this series a WIP but Trust is probably one of the oldest forever WIP’s of all.

Executive Summary

• Trust is probably the most valuable asset we hold as a person, a group, a tribe, a company, a community, a state and a nation.
• We’re social creatures, yet it’s very hard to be social without trust.
• We live in a world filled with individuals with trust issues, yet most of us ignore it.
• Trust is the ultimate forever work in progress.
• As individuals, we are capable of taking action to reverse the trend, one person, one family, one team, one group, one community, one company, one state, one nation at a time.

Action Steps

We can start to restore trust by:

• Acknowledging our own faults and approach reversing out trust challenge with humility and grace;
• Admitting our mistakes and acknowledging our shortcomings;
• Accepting every one of us is imperfect and evolving;
• Only making promises we genuinely intend to keep;
• Working first on ourselves and leading by example;
• Focusing on becoming better and better versions of the best versions of ourselves.

About the Author

This article is part of a series by Mark Abbott. Mark is the Visionary / Founder of Ninety.io and a sought-after business leader, writer and executive-team coach. With nearly four decades of experience with early stage, small and mid-sized companies as a lender, investor and business builder, his passion centers on helping people build extraordinarily productive, humane and resilient companies.

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About Trust, Part Two – What is Trust

About Trust, Part Three – Personal Relationships

About Trust, Part Two - What is Trust

Reviewed by Psychology Today Staff

Trust—or the belief that someone or something can be relied on to do what they say they will—is a key element of social relationships and a foundation for cooperation . It is critical for romantic relationships , friendships, interactions between strangers, and social groups on a large scale, and a lack of trust in such scenarios can come with serious consequences. Indeed, society as a whole would likely fail to function in the absence of trust.

• Why Trust Matters
• Deciding Who to Trust
• The Roots of Distrust
• How to Improve and Repair Trust

The sense that one can depend on another person lays the groundwork for social exchanges yielding benefits like affection, a sense of security, and achievements that would be impossible alone. When trust is absent—or someone betrays the trust that has been invested in them—the possibility of a successful future relationship diminishes.

Trust comes in as many varieties as there are links between people. In well-functioning relationships, individuals can trust that a parent or romantic partner will show them love, that business partners will hold up their end of a deal, and that someone in a position of power will wield it responsibly. To an extent, people also trust complete strangers—doctors, taxi drivers, first-time babysitters—to follow social rules and not to take advantage of them or their loved ones despite the opportunity.

Trust is a cornerstone of any social relationship , whether romantic, professional, or between friends. People who trust each other can work together more effectively at home, at work, or elsewhere. They are also more willing to share intimate information, which can reduce the risk of anxiety and depression and build a stronger sense of self.

Trust is key for collaboration , the open exchange of ideas, and a strong workplace culture. Workplaces high in trust have less turnover, improved relationships, and less susceptibility to groupthink . Workers in low-trust organizations are less likely to speak up or to help others who need it, which can weaken morale and the company’s bottom line.

Trust is, in many ways, the key to social harmony. Group members who trust each other will be more willing to cooperate, and will thus be able to achieve more than individual members alone; trust also cultivates a larger sense of safety and allows individuals to devote energy to social improvements, rather than self-protection.

Because motivations and responses vary widely across situations, it’s likely not possible to say whether or not most people can be trusted  all of the time. However, the belief that most people are generally trustworthy, known as “generalized trust,” appears to be correlated with higher intelligence , better health, and overall life satisfaction.

Trustworthiness is a key element of moral character , along with other positive traits like honesty, courage, and a prediction for fairness. Those who behave with integrity are more likely to earn the trust of others, which is often the cornerstone of a strong first impression and, ultimately, a healthy and rewarding relationship.

Recent neuroscience research on the mechanisms of trust suggests that human brains are naturally prone to trusting others. In one study, brain regions associated with positive emotions and decision-making lit up when someone trusted a close associate to play a game fairly, indicating that feelings of trust trigger social reward centers in the brain.

Yes, levels of trust vary widely between cultures. Americans, for instance, have been found to be more trusting than Germans or the Japanese. Levels of trust can even vary within societies; Northern Italians, for example, have been found to be more willing than Southern Italians to keep money in banks, which indicates greater societal trust.

Trust involves a degree of vulnerability. In trusting that a co-worker will follow through on a promise to help with a project, one risks the possibility that the colleague will renege at the last minute. Trusting a romantic partner to remain faithful opens a person up to the risk of crushing betrayal.

When trust is warranted, however, the return on investment can be great and significantly benefit mental well-being. Thus, the ability to determine who one can and cannot trust—and to appropriately update these perceptions over time—is vital. But it’s often not an easy judgment to make—especially because some individuals excel at winning the trust of people they intend to victimize.

How, then, can we know who to trust? It could be useful to consider specific characteristics when deciding whether, how much, and in what ways to trust another person. Judging someone's intentions can be helpful, but intentions—as well as confidence —can be misleading. Trusting someone to help solve a difficult problem requires that one make an assessment of their competence, too.

Trusting unknown people may seem ill-advised, but it’s something most people do every day. Researchers have proposed several potential explanations for why we trust strangers, including mutual benefit (we trust others based on the assumption that doing so will likely benefit both parties) and social norms (we trust others because we believe we’re expected to).

Trustworthy people share several key traits. The most obvious is their follow-through: they do what they say they will do. Research has also found that trustworthy people, especially leaders, tend to be transparent in their decision-making and motivation , listen to others’ input, and put the interests of others over their own self-interest.

Yes. High levels of certain personality traits, including agreeableness and conscientiousness , consistently predict trustworthiness. Other personality characteristics also play a role; for instance, guilt -proneness, or one’s tendency to anticipate feeling guilt after wrongdoing, is  highly predictive of trustworthiness in one study.

Yes, certain people are unusually prone to trusting others even when there are clear indicators that they are untrustworthy. This is often attributed to personality traits such as high levels of agreeableness or openness . Williams Syndrome, a rare disorder sometimes called the “opposite of autism,” leads those who live with it to treat everyone, even strangers, as trustworthy, which can lead to negative consequences.

Some people can be highly trusting of others, which is often a matter of personality; people higher on the personality trait of agreeableness, for example, tend to more readily indicate that they find other people trustworthy. But for others—particularly those who have been victimized or betrayed in the past—building trust can be a slow, laborious process; for some, it may feel downright impossible.

Many people who are consistently distrusting have good reason for being so. But a tendency not to trust others can have severe consequences in a number of domains—particularly interpersonal relationships—and can exacerbate loneliness , depression, or antisocial behavior. Though mistrustful individuals often feel as though they have a right to feel that way, working with a professional to identify the root cause of trust issues and take steps toward overcoming them can be immensely helpful for improving well-being and cultivating healthy relationships.

Anxiety can make it difficult to know who to trust. But while negative emotions, including anxiety, may result in excessive distrust , that’s not the only possible outcome. In one study, anxious participants actually found it more difficult to recognize untrustworthy people , and continued to collaborate with them even when their behavior did not warrant it.

Chronic distrust—colloquially known as “trust issues”—have several possible sources. For some, early relationships with caregivers taught them that their needs would not be met and that others would continuously let them down. Trauma can also damage trust ; traumatized individuals often find it difficult to let their guard down, even with loved ones. Trust issues may also be a matter of personality; naturally less agreeable people tend to be more prone to distrusting others.

Some people who struggle to trust can pinpoint a specific traumatic event that shattered their worldview. For others, it may be a matter of personality; less agreeable individuals, for instance, tend to be less trusting. Distrust may also be due to neglectful or distant caregivers relaying early-life messages that others cannot be consistently relied on.

Feeling eternally distrusted by a partner can be enormously painful. In some cases, personality disorders (such as borderline personality disorder ) may lead people to “test” their partner’s trustworthiness with repeated accusations. Other distrustful partners may have been hurt in the past, or grew up in an environment where a trusting nature was taken advantage of. 

On an interpersonal level, the ability to trust others who have earned it—and, in certain instances, to repair trust after it’s been broken—are essential to emotional well-being and strong, healthy relationships. On a larger scale, improving trust between group members can help workplaces, organizations, and societies function more smoothly by increasing social harmony and laying the groundwork for heightened productivity .

While improving trust isn’t always easy—and takes serious dedication from all parties involved—it is possible the majority of the time. Moving slowly when necessary, communicating honestly, and following through on promises are all key to building trust, whether between individuals, within an organization, or between countries.

Romantic partners, friends, or family members can build trust in their relationship through mutual respect; open, honest communication; engaging in an equal amount of give and take; and gradually displaying more vulnerability around each other. Following through on promises consistently also helps to build trust over time.

Yes, but it can be difficult. Betrayed individuals who are struggling to trust may find it helpful to work with a therapist. They can also take “calculated risks” around those they are considering trusting—sharing a small bit of intimate information and observing how it is received and how they feel—before gradually increasing their investment.

Partners can regain trust after infidelity through a process of rigorous honesty—from both parties—and through the slow, deliberate demonstration that the trust-breaker is sorry, has taken responsibility for their actions, and can be counted on going forward. Working with a therapist can help many couples navigate this process in a healthy, respectful way.

Learning to trust oneself requires self-compassion and patience. Many people who don’t trust their own instincts or second-guess their choices received early-life messages that they were unimportant, unintelligent, or otherwise “bad.” Deliberately identifying and challenging those messages—with the help of a trusted therapist, if necessary—is necessary to regaining self-trust.

Those looking to trust again—either after a significant betrayal or after a lifetime of smaller hurts —are advised to cultivate open, honest communication while gradually increasing the level of vulnerability they display with others. Once someone has demonstrated that they can be trusted with small intimacies, it will feel easier to let one’s guard down further.

While it’s not always possible for trust issues to be “cured,” their effects can certainly be lessened. Therapy , as well as a deliberate focus on practicing self-compassion and vulnerability, can help someone lessen their natural tendency to distrust others and build (or rebuild) healthy relationships.

Organizations can increase trust by promoting accountability, making both progress and setbacks public, engaging in ethical practices at each level of the organization, and seeking and incorporating input from all employees. After a misstep, those responsible can help restore trust by owning the mistake and outlining a clear plan for stopping it from recurring.

Building societal trust is both a top-down and a bottom-up process. From the top, governments can promote trust by increasing transparency around decision-making, not tolerating corruption, and encouraging and incorporating community input. From the bottom, positive actions that build “social capital” —like volunteering, altruism , and cooperation—have been associated with increased societal trust.

While we may romanticize the “perfect” partnership, relationships require effort, and both partners must work on it.

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We should use our technology to enhance our capacities for trust. We are not doing this well, and we run the risk of misusing technology by generating mistrust.

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What It Means if You Don't Trust People

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva University’s clinical psychology doctoral program.

Kevin Kozicki / Image Source / Getty Images

• How to Trust

Thinking "I don't trust anyone" strongly suggests that trust issues may be present. Sometimes people use this phrase to indicate a lack of trust for people they don't know well. In other cases, the use of this phrase could suggest a more serious difficulty in trusting anyone at all.

Here we discuss what it means when we don't trust others, what causes this feeling, and the impact of trusting nobody at all. We also share a few steps that can be taken to develop more trusting relationships .

At a Glance

Trusting others requires vulnerability on our part, which some struggle with. Negative past experiences can lead to trouble with trust, which can harm our friendships and romantic relationships. If trust is an issue, there are steps we can take to start learning to trust. A mental health professional can also help by teaching us how to form healthy relationships.

What It Means to Not Trust Anyone

When we trust someone, it means that we believe they are dependable, reliable, and honest. A certain amount of trust is necessary for relationships. But trusting other people is not always easy, and the closer the relationship is, the harder it can be because it requires that we reveal ourselves to the other person.

This can be a big ask, and not everyone is prepared or willing to accept the risk of making themselves vulnerable . They may struggle with believing that others will live up to their expectations or act with good intentions, thus reducing their desire to share their true selves.

In some cases, a lack of trust is less about the other person and more about people in general. Generalized trust involves our ability to trust other members of society. So, a lack of generalized trust involves not being able to trust anyone at all.

This type of trust plays an important part in social functioning and creating a sense of community. Research has found that it also has positive individual benefits, including greater happiness and health.

Signs of a Lack of Trust

Someone with a lack of trust will generally:

• Question people's intentions regularly
• Frequently assume the worst about others
• Assume that others will let them down
• Distance themselves from others to avoid disappointment
• Have a hard time asking other people for help

Recognizing these qualities in ourselves suggests that we may struggle with trust.

Reasons We Don't Trust People

Research suggests that a lack of trust is often caused by social experiences. Relationships with family members and peers, for example, give us opportunities to trust and depend on the people close to us. When these people aren't trustworthy, or if we have an experience where our trust is repeatedly broken, we may end up feeling like the people around us are fundamentally unreliable.

According to the social learning perspective , people continually adjust their degree of social trust based on their experiences and interactions. This means that, in addition to early learning experiences as a child, the events of our lives continue to impact how much we trust others. Here are some of the reasons we might have a hard time trusting anyone.

Early Childhood Experiences

Trust starts to form in the earliest days of life as infants discover whether they can rely on their parents and others' care. Psychoanalyst Erik Erikson called this phase of life the trust vs. mistrust stage , and he believed that it plays a pivotal role in setting the course of future development.

People who grow up with supportive, trustworthy family members and friends may be more likely to trust others in adulthood than people who didn't have trusting relationships early on.

Important people in our lives can affect our trust levels later in life. If we trust the people around us and they reciprocate that trust, we'll grow closer to them. However, if that trust is broken, we may find ourselves trusting others less in the future.

Bullying or Rejection

Throughout our lives, our interpersonal and social experiences affect the trust we place in others. Being bullied or experiencing social rejection as a child can both contribute to trust issues. If those around us repeatedly hurt us, it may be difficult to trust anyone as an adult because of the fear that we'll be hurt again.

Negative Relationship Experiences

Unhealthy romantic relationships can also make it tough to trust people. For example, an emotionally abusive partner might make it difficult for us to trust other people in the future because of the fear that they'll hurt or take advantage of us.

Trauma or PTSD

Mental health conditions or traumatic events can also contribute to trust issues because they affect how we see ourselves as well as our relationships with others. For example, trust issues may manifest as a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) .

Personality

Certain personality traits might contribute to a general lack of trust in others. As an example, one study found that people who tend to rate higher on the characteristic of neuroticism appear to be less likely to trust others.  

Research also suggests that a characteristic known as locus of control can play a role in our ability to trust others. Locus of control is a belief about how much control we have over the events that occur in our lives.

People with a low or external locus of control believe that what happens to them is largely out of their control. Those with a high or internal locus of control tend to believe that their fate is largely in their own hands.

Not being able to trust people can be linked to a number of factors. Early childhood experiences, social experiences, adult relationships, personality factors, and mental health conditions can all play a role in undermining our trust in others.

Effects of Not Trusting Anyone

When trust is broken , it often becomes harder to put our faith in people in the future. However, trust issues could hurt us in the long run because they prevent us from connecting with others or receiving support when we need it. Not being able to trust can also negatively impact how other people respond to us. 

Research has shown that other people are more likely to respond with greater negativity when they know that we don't trust them. In one study, people who knew that others didn't trust them felt more negative emotions , had lower opinions of those who didn't trust them, and were less like to behave in altruistic ways toward those who couldn't trust them.

This can also affect how people are willing to act in social situations. When we don't trust people, we may be less likely to interact with them. The consequence of this is fewer social opportunities, fewer relationships, less social support , and ultimately, fewer chances for other people to earn our trust.

When we don't trust people, we have a more difficult time forming relationships with others. And when other people sense that we don't trust them, they are often more likely to respond to us in negative ways.

How to Start Trusting People Again

Even if we find it hard to trust people, some strategies may help us learn how to form better relationships and become more trusting in different situations.

Start Small

Look for small ways to trust people. Trust is always a matter of degree. We might trust some people with some things but not with others.

A good way to become more trusting is to push ourselves to trust other people in small doses until we can trust something more significant. Once someone proves themselves capable of earning our trust when it comes to the small stuff, we might find ourselves more comfortable depending on them even more.

Stay Positive

Try to be optimistic about others. Start with the belief that there are good people out there. Approaching social situations with an open mind and optimistic mindset may help reduce the distrust of people in general.

Trust Carefully

Trusting too easily can wind up in disappointment. Start by learning to trust people to the degree that the situation calls for. In many cases, this might involve a more superficial trust based on a mutually agreed-upon set of expectations.

We might trust our mechanic to fix our car, for instance, and they trust us to pay them for the work they have done. In other cases, the person in our lives may have to prove themselves dependable, honest, and worthy of our trust.

Using caution and varying our level of trust depending on the closeness of the relationship is a good practice.

Talk to a Therapist

If a lack of trust in people affects the ability to function normally or causes distress, consider talking to a mental health professional. Several different therapy approaches can help uncover and replace underlying negative thoughts that might be affecting the ability to trust.

A therapist can also help individuals practice social situations and develop new coping skills that may be helpful when it comes to learning how to trust people. The therapeutic relationship with a therapist can also be an excellent opportunity to learn and practice trusting another person.

Learning to trust people again can take some time. Starting small, maintaining an optimistic mindset, and talking to a mental health professional are all strategies that can be helpful.

Feeling like we can't trust anyone can hurt our ability to form relationships, get help when we need it, and participate fully in our community. While it is normal for our trust levels to vary depending on our social experiences, a significant lack of trust might be a sign of a more serious problem. 

If a lack of trust is causing issues, talk to a therapist about taking steps to begin relying on people more. Rebuilding trust in others may take time. It also requires a certain degree of vulnerability. But learning to trust can make it easier to connect with others, form strong relationships, and create a solid social support system.

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By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Why You May Have Trust Issues and How to Overcome Them

Haddi Browne

Mental Health Writer, Medical Writer, Proofreader

Education BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Mental Health Studies

Miss Haddi Browne is a freelance mental health writer and proof-reader with over seven years of experience working as a professional researcher with a diverse range of clients across the lifespan, including young adults with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression.

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Editor-in-Chief for Simply Psychology

BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester

Saul Mcleod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.

On This Page:

Trust is a fundamental component of a healthy and resilient relationship. It provides the foundation on which all other aspects of a relationship are built. Without trust, it is difficult to achieve emotional intimacy, effective communication, or long-term commitment. 

When trust issues arise, the relationship becomes fragile and unstable . Trust issues can lead to conflict, insecurity, and emotional distance.

By confronting and resolving these issues, couples have an opportunity to rebuild a stronger, more resilient foundation and foster a healthier, more satisfying relationship.

Trust creates a sense of emotional safety within a relationship. This emotional safety allows individuals to be vulnerable and open with each other, sharing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment or rejection.

Trust is also a prerequisite for building and maintaining emotional intimacy. Without trust, people may withhold their true selves and feelings, hindering the development of a deep and meaningful connection.

Trust is built on a foundation of reliability and consistency.

When you trust your partner, you can rely on them to fulfill their promises, meet their commitments, and be there when needed. This provides a sense of security and stability and strengthens the bond between you and your significant other.

Why Distrust Is Harmful

Dr. Gary Chapman, clinical psychologist and author of The Five Love Languages, explains that if you cannot trust your partner, it is difficult to feel close to them.

When individuals are preoccupied with doubts and suspicions, they may be less willing to be vulnerable and share their true feelings. This can lead to a sense of emotional distance and a decline in intimacy and affection.

When trust is compromised, individuals may doubt their partner’s reliability, anticipate betrayal, become overly protective, or avoid commitment. 

Trust issues often also result in a breakdown of open and honest communication. When one or both partners in a relationship are suspicious or mistrustful, they may withhold information, be guarded in their conversations, or question their partner’s loyalty.

It can also lead to jealousy , increased conflict, and other destructive behaviors such as snooping, stalking, and in some cases, infidelity.

Furthermore, trust issues can lead to:

• Suspiciousness (e.g., questioning where your partner is going, who they are with, and what they are doing)
• Emotional distress for both individuals in the relationship (e.g., feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and unhappiness)
• Controlling behaviors (e.g., tracking your partner’s location, reading their text messages, or following them)
• Emotional distance and a decline in physical affection
• The stagnation or ending of the relationship

Signs of Trust Issues 

Overly Cautious Behavior

Overly cautious behavior is usually a result of past experiences of betrayal, manipulation, or abandonment. This insecurity can cause someone to become excessively wary and self-protective, distancing themselves from relationships and avoiding long-term commitments. 

Characteristics of overly cautious people include being:

• Reluctant to take risks and put themselves in situations where they might be emotionally exposed or dependent on others.
• Overly critical of others and assuming that everyone is untrustworthy as a means of self-protection.

Skepticism and Suspicion

A person with trust issues may be consistently skeptical of others’ intentions and motives.

Even in the absence of reasonable evidence, people with trust issues tend to:

• Wonder if their partner is being dishonest or untrustworthy
• Anticipate dishonesty
• Jump to conclusions
• Assume the worst
• Question their partner’s motives or loyalty

Signs of a suspicious partner include: 

• Frequently asking their partner where they have been and who they have been with
• Checking their partner’s electronic devices without permission
• Accusing their partner of cheating or lying without valid evidence
• Snooping through their partner’s personal belongings

Anticipating Betrayal

A person with trust issues may be consistently skeptical of others’ intentions and motives. They may be guarded about sharing their thoughts, feelings, or vulnerabilities with others because they anticipate being hurt or betrayed.

Anticipating betrayal is therefore a defense mechanism to shield oneself from potential disloyalty. People who anticipate betrayal in relationships may:

• Create emotional distance by keeping their partner at arm’s length
• Overanalyze their partner’s actions and behaviors, constantly looking for signs of potential betrayal
• Test their partner’s loyalty and commitment by setting up situations to see how they respond
• Project their fears and insecurities onto their partner by accusing them of being unfaithful or dishonest
• Maintain independence and self-sufficiency to avoid relying on their partner for emotional support

Being Over-Protective

If someone has trust issues, they may feel the need to control their partner’s behavior to feel secure. This can look like:

• Constantly checking on their partner’s whereabouts
• Not allowing their partner to go out with friends or family without them
• Getting upset when their partner spends time with other people
• Controlling their partner’s social media accounts or phone usage
• Being overly critical of their partner’s friends or family

Need for Control

Trust issues can lead to a desire for control in relationships. Someone with trust issues may try to control their partner’s actions, whereabouts, or interactions to reduce their own anxiety.

Ways people with trust issues check in on their partner:

• Texting or calling them repeatedly throughout the day
• Asking their partner to check in with them at specific times during the day
• Getting upset if they do not check in with them as often as they would like

Individuals with trust issues find it hard to focus on positive characteristics of their partner or their relationship.

They may tend to overanalyze situations and read into things more than necessary, often seeing negative intent where none exists.

Examples of having a “negativity-bias” in relationships:

• Only remembering times when your partner has let you down
• Overanalyzing your partner’s behavior and looking for signs that they are being dishonest
• Feeling constant anxiety about your partner cheating or lying

Difficulty Forgiving

Partners who struggle to forgive:

• Hold onto grudges for a long time
• Have difficulty letting go and moving on from past hurts
• Refuse to forgive someone who has apologized
• Bring up past hurts in arguments

If someone has experienced infidelity, it can result in a lingering fear of betrayal, making it difficult to forgive their current partner for mishaps. 

Additionally, if your partner displays a pattern of unreliable behavior, broken promises, or dishonesty, this can make you particularly skeptical of their future words and actions.

Avoidance of Commitment

People with trust issues may be hesitant to engage in deep emotional connections or committed relationships as a protective mechanism.

Examples of how people avoid commitment in relationships:

• Questioning their partner’s motives (e.g., doubting the sincerity of compliments, gestures of affection, or expressions of commitment, fearing that these actions are insincere or manipulative)
• Pushing their partner away to create distance and avoid becoming too emotionally invested
• Setting unrealistic or high standards and expectations that can be difficult for a partner to meet
• Avoiding serious conversations about the future
• Finding reasons to sabotage or end relationships prematurely

Combativeness

Individuals may initiate arguments to:

• Avoid intimacy and emotional closeness
• Test their partner’s commitment
• Seek reassurance (e.g., expressions of love, care, and commitment) to ease their anxiety
• Confirm that their negative beliefs about their relationship and their partner are accurate
• Create a distraction from addressing deeper trust issues and confronting their insecurities and fears

What causes a lack of trust?

Past betrayals.

One of the most significant factors contributing to a lack of trust is experiencing betrayal in the past.

Betrayals can come in various forms, such as infidelity, dishonesty, broken promises, or breaches of confidence. When someone has been hurt or betrayed by a trusted person, it can lead to lasting trust issues.

Additionally, repeated negative experiences in relationships can reinforce trust issues. If someone has been in a series of unhealthy or toxic relationships, they may develop a generalized lack of trust in others.

People who have been cheated on in a current relationship often worry about their partner cheating again or leaving them for someone else. They may also feel resentful towards their partner and find it difficult to forgive them. 

Furthermore, infidelity can make it difficult to trust future partners because it shatters your sense of trust and security.

Additionally, experiencing infidelity can trigger low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity, making it difficult to trust someone new.

Childhood Trauma

Childhood experiences, especially those involving caregivers or early relationships, can shape a person’s capacity to trust.

Researchers have repeatedly found that childhood trauma causes alterations in brain systems involved in detecting threats and disrupts one’s ability to form healthy attachments. 

Attachments are bonds that we form with important people in our lives. They should provide us with a sense of safety, security, and belonging. 

Children who experience maltreatment learn that the world is unpredictable and dangerous and that people cannot be trusted or relied on for safety and support. 

Hughes (2004) found that neglected or abused children often have disorganized attachment styles and do not typically view caregivers as a source of safety. They “learn to adapt to an abusive and inconsistent caregiver by becoming cautiously self-reliant.” 

Additional research shows that, as adults, mistreated children are often “emotionally aloof and have difficulty forming close relationships.” 

Older children in long-term foster care have been described as “suspicious and highly adaptable, all in an effort to control or manipulate people viewed as sources of fear rather than sources of love or security.”

Parental Divorce

Experiencing parental divorce can instill beliefs that relationships are unstable, unreliable, and likely to end in pain and disappointment ( Can a Parental Divorce Impact a Child’s Future Relationships? | Qredible , 2020). 

Growing up without positive role models who demonstrate healthy relationships and trust can make it difficult for individuals to develop trust in their own relationships.

Mistreatment in Relationships

When you are mistreated by a partner, caregiver, or loved one, this can create a deep-seated distrust of others.

Dr. Joyline Gozho explains that “with emotional abuse, the abuse is often hidden, subtle, and insidious, yet very deeply damaging. It leads to very deep emotional scars.”

Such abuse can erode a person’s trust in the safety and security of the world and the people in it.

Emotionally abusive people seek to control and manipulate their partners. This can have long-lasting effects on the victim’s ability to trust future partners.

They may develop a fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt, so they may preemptively distance themselves emotionally from others to protect themselves from potential pain. They might believe they are unworthy of being loved and look for signs that their partner will hurt them.

Mental Health Issues

Conditions like anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and borderline personality disorder can lead to heightened mistrust and difficulty in forming healthy relationships.

For example, anxiety and borderline personality disorder (BPD) can make people fear abandonment and be hyper-vigilant and suspicious of others (Rethink Mental Illness, 2022). 

Anxiety and depression can result in low self-esteem, self-doubt, and insecurity. People who lack confidence in themselves may find it challenging to believe that others can genuinely care about them or have their best interests at heart.

Additionally, people with PTSD may have difficulty trusting others because of past experiences of betrayal or abuse. 

Research has found that having mental health issues can distort your perceptions of reality, making it difficult to regulate intense emotions (Bentivegna et al., 2022). This can impede decision-making and lead to impulsive behaviors (eg., accusing your partner of cheating).

Attachment Style

Attachment theory suggests that the way a person forms attachments in childhood can influence their trust patterns in adult relationships.

People with insecure attachment styles (e.g., anxious or avoidant ) may struggle with trust issues in relationships. Their interactions with caregivers in childhood may have made them unconfident in the availability, acceptance, and responsiveness of attachment figures.

Anxious individuals are often worried about being abandoned or rejected. They may be quick to accuse their partners of cheating or lying , seeing distance or withdrawal as a sign that their partner is no longer interested in them.

Avoidant individuals are afraid of being vulnerable due to a fear of getting hurt or rejected. They struggle to rely on others and protect themselves by withholding trust.

How to heal from trust issues

Practice open and honest communication.

Openly discussing your trust issues with your partner allows them to support you and understand the reasons behind your feelings. 

Tips for communicating honestly:

• Express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns clearly and respectfully.
• Communicate your need for reassurance or support. Let your partner know how they can help and support you.
• For example, “I feel anxious when I think you are being distant” instead of “You always distance yourself from me.”
• Avoid placing blame or making accusations.
• Encourage your partner to share their own perspective. Be an active listener , demonstrating empathy and understanding for their feelings.
• Stay open to your partner’s feedback without becoming defensive. 

Self-Reflection

Start by examining the root causes of your trust issues. Understanding the origins of your trust issues can be a crucial first step in the healing process.

Reflect on your past experiences, including any betrayals or traumas that may have contributed to your lack of trust. What events or relationships have made you wary of trusting others? What specific experiences made you feel betrayed, hurt, or unsafe? 

Observe and challenge any unhelpful thoughts that occur when you feel distrustful. Ask yourself if there is any evidence to support your thoughts. Are you making assumptions about your partner? Are you catastrophizing? 

Practice Empathy

When you make an effort to understand your partner’s point of view, it promotes open and honest communication. Your partner is more likely to express themselves when they feel heard and validated, even if they are discussing sensitive topics related to trust.

Ask questions to gain insight into your partner’s point of view and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings about the situation. Try to understand their perspective and be empathetic to their feelings. 

Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their feelings and motivations. Consider how their background, past experiences, and emotions might influence their actions.

Practicing empathy by seeing things from your partner’s perspective demonstrates compassion and care. It can help your partner feel supported and valued in the relationship.

Take Small Steps

Healing from trust issues involves taking gradual, safe emotional risks with your partner.

Start with small steps or risks, like trusting your partner to do something for you or sharing your thoughts and feelings with them. As you gain confidence, you can extend trust in more significant ways.

Healing from trust issues is a gradual process that may take time. Be patient with yourself and acknowledge that setbacks can happen.

Challenge Negative Beliefs

Identify and challenge negative beliefs and thought patterns related to trust. Replace irrational or overly negative thoughts with more balanced and realistic ones.

Dr. Margaret Paul, clinical psychologist and author of Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?, reminds us that trust is a choice, and you can choose to trust your partner, even if you have been hurt in the past.

While past experiences may have shaped your trust issues, you have the power to change your beliefs and behaviors. Taking ownership of your trust issues can empower you to actively work on building trust in your current relationship. 

Forgiveness

Work on forgiving those who may have hurt you in the past, even if it’s a process that takes time. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean condoning their actions but rather releasing the hold their actions have on your emotional well-being.

This can involve accepting that the past cannot be changed and focusing on building a positive future. 

How to let go of the past:

• Reframe your story by focussing on the lessons learned from painful events to create a more positive outlook and a new narrative.
• Consciously work to let go of negative emotions associated with past memories.
• Forgive yourself and those who hurt you. Forgiveness does not excuse actions, but it frees you from carrying the burden of resentment.
• Do not let past experiences define your identity. 
• Practice mindfulness, meditation, or deep breathing to help you stay grounded in the present moment and prevent rumination on past events. 

Therapy or Counseling

Consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counselor, especially if your trust issues are deeply ingrained or significantly impacting your relationships and well-being.

A therapist can provide a safe and nonjudgmental space for you to explore your feelings, gain insight into your trust issues, and learn coping strategies. They can work with you to tailor a therapeutic approach that aligns with your unique experiences and needs. 

Therapy can help you:

• Develop healthy coping mechanisms to manage intense feelings
• Understand your attachment style
• Build self-esteem
• Learn effective communication strategies
• Learn how to set boundaries. 

Several therapeutic approaches are effective in addressing trust issues:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) challenges negative thought patterns and behaviors. 
• Group therapy, where you interact with others facing similar challenges, helps you build trust and receive support from peers.
• Trauma-focused therapy helps you process past experiences.

Additionally, as you build a rapport with your therapist, you can experience a sense of safety and support, which may serve as a model for developing trust with others.

Is it normal to experience trust issues in a relationship?

Experiencing trust issues in relationships is a common human experience.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go? says it is normal to experience trust issues in a relationship, particularly if you have been hurt in the past. 

Having insecurities and doubts is understandable, especially when considering past experiences of betrayal and unfaithfulness.

Furthermore, early life experiences and family dynamics contribute to a person’s tendency to struggle with trust in relationships.

However, when trust issues significantly impact a person’s relationships and overall well-being, it may be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor to address and work through these issues.

How can trust issues look in a long-distance relationship?

Due to unique challenges posed by physical separation, trust issues can manifest in long-distance relationships in the following ways:

• Partners becoming preoccupied with and suspicious about each other’s activities (e.g., their late nights, travel plans, interactions with others).
• Failing to share experiences, feelings, or concerns can cause partners to feel left out or uninformed about the other’s life.
• Delayed responses to messages or being unavailable for calls can lead to assumptions and misinterpretations.
• Fears of infidelity can develop if partners worry about new connections forming.
• Trust develops through shared experiences and quality time spent together. The absence of this can cause feelings of detachment, making it harder to maintain trust.

Setting boundaries and communicating openly and regularly is especially important in long-distance relationships. 

However, respect each other’s need for space–do not pressure each other to be available 24/7.

How long can it take to rebuild trust with a partner?

There is no fixed timeline for rebuilding trust as it depends on the individuals and specific circumstances. 

It is a gradual process and can take anywhere from a few weeks to years to restore trust fully. 

However, several factors can influence the duration of the trust-rebuilding process:

• The severity of the betrayal–a small lie requires less time compared to a major betrayal such as infidelity or financial dishonesty.
• The relationship having a history of trust issues can make it harder to rebuild trust.
• Consistently demonstrating trustworthiness over time. If promises are made to change certain behaviors, following through on those commitments is essential.
• A sincere apology, genuine remorse, and taking responsibility for one’s actions.
• The person who was betrayed needs time to heal and process their emotions, requiring patience and understanding from both partners.

Will a relationship work with trust issues?

Whether a relationship can work with trust issues depends on various factors, including the severity of the issues and the presence of any underlying issues that need to be addressed (e.g., mental health problems). 

If trust issues are severe (e.g., infidelity), it may be harder to make the relationship work. 

However, if both partners are willing to work on the relationship, it is possible to overcome the challenges and build a healthy relationship.

It is important to:

• Discuss feelings and concerns
• Discuss the impact of past experiences
• Work together to find solutions
• Take responsibility for your actions
• Show care and empathy towards a partner dealing with trust issues
• Make positive changes to prevent recurrence of trust issues

Julia Simkus edited this article.

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